I got a job in mid-August. I've been working for three full weeks now. God is good. I had a boyfriend, also for the past month and a half, but we just broke up this past week. It wasn't meant to be though, at least not right now. I've been in a carpe diem state of mind recently. The relationship was great while it lasted, and since we let it go at the right time, we can still be good friends. I'm happy with that.
It always sucks to lose a connection like that though. I hate letting go of people in that way. God knows that I don't like break ups. I want every boyfriend to be the last boyfriend. I want to be married. I want a family. A lot of times I feel like I'm behind... but it's not that I'm behind now. I am finally maturing to that point where I truly WOULD like to have a family of my own. It used to be more of a race in my mind, a comparison between me and other friends/acquaintances my age. Not so now... I want to build a life with someone and have babies.
Why not? I wonder how long I have to wait for all of that. I understand, though, that it's best to wait on God's timing. Little by little I'm learning. I learned a lot from the recent relationship, especially about myself, that I can carry into a relationship with someone else and make it that much stronger. In that sense I really feel good about how things unfolded.
I feel like I am FINALLY learning to "live in the moment"...well, as best as someone like me who's prone to planning can live. Of course I still dream and look ahead. I've always been a dreamer. Sometimes God allows my wishes to turn into dreams and goals. I try not to wish. Wishing implies that life is not ok as it is. I came to that conclusion last week. Also, instead of saying "I hope" I am trying to say "I pray"... it's not that anyone confronted me about it. I just think that merely hoping denies God's infinite power over our lives and allows us to be passive. In saying "I pray," I am also attempting to actually say a quick, few-words prayer about whatever it is... constant acknowledgment of God and going to Him in prayer. In doing that it seems like I get feedback more quickly and I don't forget to address with Him things that have been concerning me.
Even with so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and closer to God than I have before. I am looking to the simplicity of walking with Jesus, rather than trying to over think everything. God is leading me now, because I am FINALLY "letting" Him. I'm more free than I've ever been. Knowing that I'm following God has also assisted me in making peace with my family's differing views on how I'm going about my life... like who I date, when I decided to move out of my grandparents' house, whose house I moved into, etc. Parental opinion has played a big role in my life thus far, even though I'm already 25. I am very close with parents and other family members, so I desire their approval and confirmation that I'm making good decisions. When we don't agree it bothers me a bit, but I'm getting better at not caring. I don't always know what I'm doing, but it's ok for me to experience my life as I go about it. I'm an adult. :)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wanderland
As some of you may have noticed, I haven't written one of these things in a while. Well, that's largely because I don't usually feel like writing when I'm not happy with how things are unfolding (or not unfolding) in my life or if I'm just plain sad or frustrated for whatever reason. In stead of whining on here about these things, I've battered twitter with laments (that I often delete soon after) or just hold it in or share with close relatives or friends.
As of today, I've been unemployed for exactly THREE months and ONE day. Yes, now that three months have passed, I've decided to quantify it. Sadly it's just been a series of closing--no--SLAMMING doors, one after the other after the other. I know I'm qualified, and while I may make mistakes in interviews, I am convinced that there is an overlying spiritual factor in why I am still unemployed. That's very frustrating because it's like, what can I do if GOD doesn't seem to want me to have a job yet.
Unemployment, when I wasn't running out of my financial reserves, however, was cool. I've traveled quite a bit this summer... to Atlanta a few times, up to VA a couple of times, to Gatlinburg TN to hang out in the smokey mountains, to Destin, FL for a week with the family, and soon to Batesville, MS for a family reunion. If you know me, then you understand that I LOVE to travel. I like racking up miles. So yeah, that part of my summer was kinda glamourous. In my traveling I was in a wedding for some dear friends, soaked in some sun rays, rode some waves, saw loved ones and good friends. Despite the whole "I don't have a job" uncertainty dimension, it's been a dang good summer. I haven't spent much time at my parents' house in Augusta, GA... well not really when compared to the rest of the time.
On the downside, I went to on-campus interviews for two separate positions/departments at the same institution and got turned down for both. One department was SO trifling that after I COMPLETELY came out of pocket traveling to the interview, they didn't even contact me to let me know the position was filled or whatever. I may have mentioned that in a blog though... been so long I can't remember. I know that I wouldn't run my business like that though. Enough of that, the latter interview, in retrospect I realize that I wasn't ready for. Other than that I've had a few phone interviews, one in person interview. I decided that I wasn't trying to be near my family in GA (hence, searching in Atlanta, Charlotte and surrounding areas), I really wanted to be near my 2nd hometown, Norfolk, VA... part of the seven cities/ Hampton Roads area.
That's where I am now, staying with grandparents and searching aimlessly (feels like) for a position, part-time or full-time, that will allow me to use my skills and passions. Problem: I think I've lost sight of what I'm passionate about. I love to write, but it seems like all other sense of passion has all but curled up and DIED. This adds to my franticness in searching because I'm REALLY losing direction now. I only have bits and pieces like... um, I want to work with people, I LOVE helping people. I write well, I'm good at encouraging and advising, and connecting with people. Please hire me.... um, no.
At the beginning of last week I signed up to work for a temp agency. I just KNEW I'd be placed at at least ONE assignment by now.... but no. My mom told me to look at other temp agencies. I will, because I need income in order to continue existing here in VA. This whole figure-out-what-to-start-doing-in-life search is sucking more and MORE by the day. Meanwhile, I've created more 'drama' for myself. As if not having a job or a true home or independence anymore wasn't enough... I all but professed my love (or what I THOUGHT could be love) for a long-time childhood friend.
Can we say crash and BURN? I learned that twitter is a major vice of mine when I choose to treat it like a stream of consciousness. NO ONE but God should know most of what I'm thinking, especially not when it's about someone I have strong feelings for. The guy doesn't have to (or need to or want to know) what all (or half of what) is going on in my crazy head. The job search has been taxing, but I feel quite idle... and they say idle hands are the devil's playground... indeed. Seems that he's used my idleness to further help me jack up my currently not-so-super life. Thankssss. Totally shot myself in the foot, but I guess it's better to no what's up (and what's not up) than to continue on thinking a certain way (spoken or unspoken) and being a fool. I feel fool enough with my life in shambles without adding the unnecessary further emotional dimension of romantic love. SHEESH.
What was I thinking? I know, I was thinking carpe diem! You only live once, but I didn't realize what I was tinkering with. I wish I could take it all back honestly, not that I didn't mean it... because I did. It's just that there is a time and place for everything, a season... and I failed to be patient and recognize that "not now." Even tho a part of me still feels very much now-or-never about it... but perhaps never is the only answer. That's what I get for trying to do my OWN rendition of a life plan and leaving God out of it. I could kick myself a thousand times for my behavior. I was very very hurt when he came to me on Saturday like "whoooooaaaaaa, I can't do this." Very sad, felt weird... life is certainly AGAINST me right now. Everything else seemed to be in opposition to me, and now this.
GREAT, I thought. Ok God... when are things going to start actually appearing to work out in my favor? I know that I must trust that they are, but they appear to be going STRAIGHT to crap, and quickly. So I've been praying, asking God for direction, a definite path. I went to my church here in VA on Saturday evening (www.vineyardchurch.com) and wouldn't you know the sermon was about finding your dream... like conferring with God and really spending time alone with him to figure out what your purpose is and getting a vision for your life from Him. Right on time, I thought. I wrote copious notes and considered the value in spending more intentional quiet time with God in addition to the normal, here and there prayer. I felt better, but still kinda battered.
This endless searching with no results has taken a serious toll on me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because I feel like I'll just be doing the SAME stuff with no results. Just over and over and over again. My dreams (while asleep, for clarity) are thousands of times better than my life has been for the past few years, especially the past few months. It sucks to be merely existing. I wonder, what's my purpose? I feel so useless now. No one wants me, no one seems to want me to work for them. I have skills and experience. I'm sweet... at least that's what I thought. I'm tired of dangling. It's depressing. I'd just rather stay in bed... and if I'm in bed, why bother eating more than a bite or two? I'm not doing anything.... just a waste of energy and space.
Feeling this way, I know this cannot POSSIBLY be God's best, but how do I break the holding pattern? I've lost the ability to see ahead of me. I honestly don't know WHAT to do. Then my mom calls me, like 'Hey, have you called your older cousin? Well, you need to call her. I've been praying for you a lot with your situation and VA really is a dead end for you right now. She has this big even that she's planning for the company (major computer company) she works for that you should help her with, maybe as an intern.' Then I started to cry, because I REALLY wanted to stay in VA. I like it here. Why can't VA work out? Probably for the same reason that ATL and Charlotte were dead ends in MY search: God is in control. My little plans for my life are NO match for the big plans that He has for the life He's given ME to live.
I've gone with the flow pretty well this summer, flowing past and around all of the closing doors... enjoying opportunities to get out of town. When I came up to VA, even though I packed MOST of my stuff, (like EVERYTHING I need to stay some place for MONTHS as long as the weather doesn't change) I figured it could end up NOT being a permanent move. I suppose my goal was to get out of GA and be somewhere that I wouldn't mind being with people that I like to be around... and where I had space. I have PLENTY of space at my grandparents house. They treat me a little more like I'm 25 than do my parents, so I appreciate being here. But yeah, I knew that I could end up being summoned to another place and that's why I have so much of my stuff. I'm on the go, ready for whatever.
Why not? I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I just hope that tomorrow brings a reason to get out of bed.... because, frankly, I've lost the reason. I had sunk to that point at home in GA, so it was time to get out of there... but now I suppose, that only after a week, it may be time to leave my beloved VA as well. I'm ready to declare, that as of today, I am done with my VA job search. I'll respond to correspondence for applications that I've already put out there, but no more of this frantic searching here.
The best thing I can do with the rest of my time here is use it to serve and help out. I'm going to contact the People in Need (PIN) ministry at my church tomorrow to see how I can help out there, otherwise I will talk to my family and see how I can help out with fixing up my great grandmother's house or assist with the family business. Even though I'm not searching, there will be no reason to just be lying around the house or in the bed. Maybe I'll take care of my friend's baby boy if she needs me to, just however I can be of service.
One thing that has gone drastically awry this summer is that I meant to help others but I very quickly got sucked into my desire, perceived need to get a job and OUT of my parents' house ASAP. I mean I spent all that extra time in school getting a Masters degree for crying out loud, I thought. But I have since learned that all of that means NOTHING, if I'm not sensitive to what God wants me to do, and how can I know that if I don't ask him and LISTEN for the reply instead of yelling at him what I want or making waves where they shouldn't be by barking up inappropriate 'trees'?
I am ashamed at how much I have focused on myself these past few months.... like effortlessly. The least I could have done while staying in my parents' house (when I wasn't out of town) was to cook the meal every evening. I cooked once or twice and I did offer after the first 2 months to start cooking the meal once I got back in town (from VA the first time). It never materialized and I wasn't around long enough anyway to make it a solid thing.... just shameful. Enough beating myself up though, I'm human.
For now there is much praying and serving and visiting and packing to be done. MUCH prayer indeed, I need more clarity even though He's given me answers, QUICK answers today. There is still one thing that I'm struggling with a lot internally, that I need to make peace with and let go. Perhaps in letting go, God will free my spirit in such a way foster an edifying relationship between us both... since we are going through the same thing in a lot of ways. Maybe we are meant to share with each other what God has been revealing to us.
I dunno, but God does. I've said enough. I hope that anyone who read this was able to get something useful out of it and that it just wasn't a waste of words that helped me.
As of today, I've been unemployed for exactly THREE months and ONE day. Yes, now that three months have passed, I've decided to quantify it. Sadly it's just been a series of closing--no--SLAMMING doors, one after the other after the other. I know I'm qualified, and while I may make mistakes in interviews, I am convinced that there is an overlying spiritual factor in why I am still unemployed. That's very frustrating because it's like, what can I do if GOD doesn't seem to want me to have a job yet.
Unemployment, when I wasn't running out of my financial reserves, however, was cool. I've traveled quite a bit this summer... to Atlanta a few times, up to VA a couple of times, to Gatlinburg TN to hang out in the smokey mountains, to Destin, FL for a week with the family, and soon to Batesville, MS for a family reunion. If you know me, then you understand that I LOVE to travel. I like racking up miles. So yeah, that part of my summer was kinda glamourous. In my traveling I was in a wedding for some dear friends, soaked in some sun rays, rode some waves, saw loved ones and good friends. Despite the whole "I don't have a job" uncertainty dimension, it's been a dang good summer. I haven't spent much time at my parents' house in Augusta, GA... well not really when compared to the rest of the time.
On the downside, I went to on-campus interviews for two separate positions/departments at the same institution and got turned down for both. One department was SO trifling that after I COMPLETELY came out of pocket traveling to the interview, they didn't even contact me to let me know the position was filled or whatever. I may have mentioned that in a blog though... been so long I can't remember. I know that I wouldn't run my business like that though. Enough of that, the latter interview, in retrospect I realize that I wasn't ready for. Other than that I've had a few phone interviews, one in person interview. I decided that I wasn't trying to be near my family in GA (hence, searching in Atlanta, Charlotte and surrounding areas), I really wanted to be near my 2nd hometown, Norfolk, VA... part of the seven cities/ Hampton Roads area.
That's where I am now, staying with grandparents and searching aimlessly (feels like) for a position, part-time or full-time, that will allow me to use my skills and passions. Problem: I think I've lost sight of what I'm passionate about. I love to write, but it seems like all other sense of passion has all but curled up and DIED. This adds to my franticness in searching because I'm REALLY losing direction now. I only have bits and pieces like... um, I want to work with people, I LOVE helping people. I write well, I'm good at encouraging and advising, and connecting with people. Please hire me.... um, no.
At the beginning of last week I signed up to work for a temp agency. I just KNEW I'd be placed at at least ONE assignment by now.... but no. My mom told me to look at other temp agencies. I will, because I need income in order to continue existing here in VA. This whole figure-out-what-to-start-doing-in-life search is sucking more and MORE by the day. Meanwhile, I've created more 'drama' for myself. As if not having a job or a true home or independence anymore wasn't enough... I all but professed my love (or what I THOUGHT could be love) for a long-time childhood friend.
Can we say crash and BURN? I learned that twitter is a major vice of mine when I choose to treat it like a stream of consciousness. NO ONE but God should know most of what I'm thinking, especially not when it's about someone I have strong feelings for. The guy doesn't have to (or need to or want to know) what all (or half of what) is going on in my crazy head. The job search has been taxing, but I feel quite idle... and they say idle hands are the devil's playground... indeed. Seems that he's used my idleness to further help me jack up my currently not-so-super life. Thankssss. Totally shot myself in the foot, but I guess it's better to no what's up (and what's not up) than to continue on thinking a certain way (spoken or unspoken) and being a fool. I feel fool enough with my life in shambles without adding the unnecessary further emotional dimension of romantic love. SHEESH.
What was I thinking? I know, I was thinking carpe diem! You only live once, but I didn't realize what I was tinkering with. I wish I could take it all back honestly, not that I didn't mean it... because I did. It's just that there is a time and place for everything, a season... and I failed to be patient and recognize that "not now." Even tho a part of me still feels very much now-or-never about it... but perhaps never is the only answer. That's what I get for trying to do my OWN rendition of a life plan and leaving God out of it. I could kick myself a thousand times for my behavior. I was very very hurt when he came to me on Saturday like "whoooooaaaaaa, I can't do this." Very sad, felt weird... life is certainly AGAINST me right now. Everything else seemed to be in opposition to me, and now this.
GREAT, I thought. Ok God... when are things going to start actually appearing to work out in my favor? I know that I must trust that they are, but they appear to be going STRAIGHT to crap, and quickly. So I've been praying, asking God for direction, a definite path. I went to my church here in VA on Saturday evening (www.vineyardchurch.com) and wouldn't you know the sermon was about finding your dream... like conferring with God and really spending time alone with him to figure out what your purpose is and getting a vision for your life from Him. Right on time, I thought. I wrote copious notes and considered the value in spending more intentional quiet time with God in addition to the normal, here and there prayer. I felt better, but still kinda battered.
This endless searching with no results has taken a serious toll on me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because I feel like I'll just be doing the SAME stuff with no results. Just over and over and over again. My dreams (while asleep, for clarity) are thousands of times better than my life has been for the past few years, especially the past few months. It sucks to be merely existing. I wonder, what's my purpose? I feel so useless now. No one wants me, no one seems to want me to work for them. I have skills and experience. I'm sweet... at least that's what I thought. I'm tired of dangling. It's depressing. I'd just rather stay in bed... and if I'm in bed, why bother eating more than a bite or two? I'm not doing anything.... just a waste of energy and space.
Feeling this way, I know this cannot POSSIBLY be God's best, but how do I break the holding pattern? I've lost the ability to see ahead of me. I honestly don't know WHAT to do. Then my mom calls me, like 'Hey, have you called your older cousin? Well, you need to call her. I've been praying for you a lot with your situation and VA really is a dead end for you right now. She has this big even that she's planning for the company (major computer company) she works for that you should help her with, maybe as an intern.' Then I started to cry, because I REALLY wanted to stay in VA. I like it here. Why can't VA work out? Probably for the same reason that ATL and Charlotte were dead ends in MY search: God is in control. My little plans for my life are NO match for the big plans that He has for the life He's given ME to live.
I've gone with the flow pretty well this summer, flowing past and around all of the closing doors... enjoying opportunities to get out of town. When I came up to VA, even though I packed MOST of my stuff, (like EVERYTHING I need to stay some place for MONTHS as long as the weather doesn't change) I figured it could end up NOT being a permanent move. I suppose my goal was to get out of GA and be somewhere that I wouldn't mind being with people that I like to be around... and where I had space. I have PLENTY of space at my grandparents house. They treat me a little more like I'm 25 than do my parents, so I appreciate being here. But yeah, I knew that I could end up being summoned to another place and that's why I have so much of my stuff. I'm on the go, ready for whatever.
Why not? I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I just hope that tomorrow brings a reason to get out of bed.... because, frankly, I've lost the reason. I had sunk to that point at home in GA, so it was time to get out of there... but now I suppose, that only after a week, it may be time to leave my beloved VA as well. I'm ready to declare, that as of today, I am done with my VA job search. I'll respond to correspondence for applications that I've already put out there, but no more of this frantic searching here.
The best thing I can do with the rest of my time here is use it to serve and help out. I'm going to contact the People in Need (PIN) ministry at my church tomorrow to see how I can help out there, otherwise I will talk to my family and see how I can help out with fixing up my great grandmother's house or assist with the family business. Even though I'm not searching, there will be no reason to just be lying around the house or in the bed. Maybe I'll take care of my friend's baby boy if she needs me to, just however I can be of service.
One thing that has gone drastically awry this summer is that I meant to help others but I very quickly got sucked into my desire, perceived need to get a job and OUT of my parents' house ASAP. I mean I spent all that extra time in school getting a Masters degree for crying out loud, I thought. But I have since learned that all of that means NOTHING, if I'm not sensitive to what God wants me to do, and how can I know that if I don't ask him and LISTEN for the reply instead of yelling at him what I want or making waves where they shouldn't be by barking up inappropriate 'trees'?
I am ashamed at how much I have focused on myself these past few months.... like effortlessly. The least I could have done while staying in my parents' house (when I wasn't out of town) was to cook the meal every evening. I cooked once or twice and I did offer after the first 2 months to start cooking the meal once I got back in town (from VA the first time). It never materialized and I wasn't around long enough anyway to make it a solid thing.... just shameful. Enough beating myself up though, I'm human.
For now there is much praying and serving and visiting and packing to be done. MUCH prayer indeed, I need more clarity even though He's given me answers, QUICK answers today. There is still one thing that I'm struggling with a lot internally, that I need to make peace with and let go. Perhaps in letting go, God will free my spirit in such a way foster an edifying relationship between us both... since we are going through the same thing in a lot of ways. Maybe we are meant to share with each other what God has been revealing to us.
I dunno, but God does. I've said enough. I hope that anyone who read this was able to get something useful out of it and that it just wasn't a waste of words that helped me.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
just me bloggin about my trip
So upon returning home from my trip to see Pif and the guy... I ripped up and threw away the graduation card and thank you note from guy. Why hold on to such things? That's all I will say about that situation though, as slanderous behavior is NOT necessary.
My trip to Tallahassee was good I got to see Pif. She looks well. I don't miss Tallahassee, but I do miss her. The only full days I was there were Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I pretty much stayed in the house during the day (I DID run and get Pif's belated bday present when she came home for lunch tho, lol)... and then I went to an art gallery with one of my homeboys. I thought it was cool of him to invite me there... definitely enjoyed the pieces that I saw there. We had some good dialogue about what some of the artists may have been thinking when they decided to produce the artwork. We talked about colors and mediums and stuff. Very pleasant. I remembered what it was like to be around someone (a man) who was genuinely concerned with my well-being, my thoughts, wanted to take care of me. He treated me to Zaxby's... even tho I just ended up ordering the kid's meal, which he thought was funny. You laugh, but I like smaller portions. I was full before I could get to my bag of bug-shaped graham crackers.
Later that day I was upset about something, then I decided I was just gonna be like F it... so I was. Went with Pif and company for (free) dinner that night... and I didn't eat... too salty to eat then. We went to a club to celebrate Pif's birthday and I was chipper for a moment... then extra chipper after a couple of drinks then CRASH... total emotional down spiral. I know my tweets were ridiculous ( I had to do some damage control once I got home). I really do appreciate all my friends for holding me down though.
Friday I decided to stay in most of the day, but SOMEHOW ended up at the mall buying myself a dress... as if my money is not currently dwindling due to my unemployed status... sigh. Went to dinner with Pif and other company, ordered a $4 salad which turned out to be $2.10 which was great. Then, I went out with one of my 'students' to just chat about life and dreams and God. That was pretty nice. It's nice to pick young[er] people's brains and see their perspective on things. After that... I spent time with another friend, just having a heart-to-heart and sharing music and stuff. It was pure lovely. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave my friends. Those people mean a lot to me.
Sorry... I know this blog didn't really SAY anything, but I wanted to record my trip experience.
My trip to Tallahassee was good I got to see Pif. She looks well. I don't miss Tallahassee, but I do miss her. The only full days I was there were Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I pretty much stayed in the house during the day (I DID run and get Pif's belated bday present when she came home for lunch tho, lol)... and then I went to an art gallery with one of my homeboys. I thought it was cool of him to invite me there... definitely enjoyed the pieces that I saw there. We had some good dialogue about what some of the artists may have been thinking when they decided to produce the artwork. We talked about colors and mediums and stuff. Very pleasant. I remembered what it was like to be around someone (a man) who was genuinely concerned with my well-being, my thoughts, wanted to take care of me. He treated me to Zaxby's... even tho I just ended up ordering the kid's meal, which he thought was funny. You laugh, but I like smaller portions. I was full before I could get to my bag of bug-shaped graham crackers.
Later that day I was upset about something, then I decided I was just gonna be like F it... so I was. Went with Pif and company for (free) dinner that night... and I didn't eat... too salty to eat then. We went to a club to celebrate Pif's birthday and I was chipper for a moment... then extra chipper after a couple of drinks then CRASH... total emotional down spiral. I know my tweets were ridiculous ( I had to do some damage control once I got home). I really do appreciate all my friends for holding me down though.
Friday I decided to stay in most of the day, but SOMEHOW ended up at the mall buying myself a dress... as if my money is not currently dwindling due to my unemployed status... sigh. Went to dinner with Pif and other company, ordered a $4 salad which turned out to be $2.10 which was great. Then, I went out with one of my 'students' to just chat about life and dreams and God. That was pretty nice. It's nice to pick young[er] people's brains and see their perspective on things. After that... I spent time with another friend, just having a heart-to-heart and sharing music and stuff. It was pure lovely. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave my friends. Those people mean a lot to me.
Sorry... I know this blog didn't really SAY anything, but I wanted to record my trip experience.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
On a more serious note...
I can't remember the last time I was just happy... you know, happy happy. Can't remember the last time I was just... sigh... cool with what I was doing, who I was, where I was... just content. Maybe I've never been content and all of my life has been laced with angst and anxiety, but I think it just snowballs and gets worse and worse. Now I find myself here in this place where I feel absolutely stuck and feel like I have none of what I currently want... here again with princess problems, admittedly. It's just that the stuff I've come to want for my life at this age is not tangible. No one but God can give me these things.
All I know is that I'm tired of being sad and being down on myself, wondering what's wrong with me, why isn't my life how I want it to be? Why am I not ok with how it is now? In a few short hours I will be loading up the car with my mom and sister heading to the beach for a few days. Normally this would be exciting to me. I like the beach, but I have been DRAGGING my feet and not wanting to go, took me forever to muster the momentum to pack. My BFF, her mother, aunt cousin and a friend of the family will all be there and I guess I just don't feel like being around a whole bunch of extra people for an extended amount of time. I thought about it further and it's close quarters, limited personal autonomy on my part (having to flow with the group probably) and just ugh, I'm not in the mood.
Further evaluation... I'm not happy and on this trip I will have to pretend to be and I don't have the energy for that right now, nor the interest in hearing someone try to fix my problems by prescribing me some list of what they think I need to do so quick surfacey fix. I'm tired of people trying to help me out with the fact that I think/worry too much by telling me to stop thinking or to not worry. What the hell? Do you know that if I was able to do that then I would be able to sleep well at night, which I don't and I haven't for years.
If this is what adult life will continue to be for me, you can take it back. I don't want it. I understand that I'm not supposed to be circumstancially happy but have joy in the Lord. That just hasn't become real to me yet. I am ashamed that with all God has done for me, some of which I've explained in blog entries, He's still not real to me. I've not yet seen the cross. It hasn't all clicked for me. I know it all must be true, but my heart doesn't believe it. Thus, unhappy me... unwilling and unable to let go of all the stuff I've been holding on to for forever and walk by faith. I don't know how to do it. I'm just panicking. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I say that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, but I act and live like I don't believe it.
All I know is that I'm tired of being sad and being down on myself, wondering what's wrong with me, why isn't my life how I want it to be? Why am I not ok with how it is now? In a few short hours I will be loading up the car with my mom and sister heading to the beach for a few days. Normally this would be exciting to me. I like the beach, but I have been DRAGGING my feet and not wanting to go, took me forever to muster the momentum to pack. My BFF, her mother, aunt cousin and a friend of the family will all be there and I guess I just don't feel like being around a whole bunch of extra people for an extended amount of time. I thought about it further and it's close quarters, limited personal autonomy on my part (having to flow with the group probably) and just ugh, I'm not in the mood.
Further evaluation... I'm not happy and on this trip I will have to pretend to be and I don't have the energy for that right now, nor the interest in hearing someone try to fix my problems by prescribing me some list of what they think I need to do so quick surfacey fix. I'm tired of people trying to help me out with the fact that I think/worry too much by telling me to stop thinking or to not worry. What the hell? Do you know that if I was able to do that then I would be able to sleep well at night, which I don't and I haven't for years.
If this is what adult life will continue to be for me, you can take it back. I don't want it. I understand that I'm not supposed to be circumstancially happy but have joy in the Lord. That just hasn't become real to me yet. I am ashamed that with all God has done for me, some of which I've explained in blog entries, He's still not real to me. I've not yet seen the cross. It hasn't all clicked for me. I know it all must be true, but my heart doesn't believe it. Thus, unhappy me... unwilling and unable to let go of all the stuff I've been holding on to for forever and walk by faith. I don't know how to do it. I'm just panicking. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I say that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, but I act and live like I don't believe it.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Sulking 101: The Art of Sulking
I named this entry "Sulking 101" because that is certainly a class I could teach. No one has mastered the art of sulking QUITE like me. While some may attribute this attribute of mine to my so-called Piscean nature, I place the blame of such an inheritance on my dad. In fact, he probably has the art of sulking down to a science. He can be much more moody than I. My mother warned me once, when I was an adolescent that I sulk like my father and that being around a sulky Crystal was unpleasant, transformed the mood of the atmosphere into negative. So, I was like hmmm... I took her seriously. I worked on doing my best to not be upset around others or to remain upset for long periods of time. I have become decent at getting upset and then resuming my normal chipperness. HOWEVER, in the past few weeks after nearly a month at home... I have resulted to sulking. I think I've been sulking in my sleep, which allows me to stay in bed until like 2:00pm. My reasoning is, "Why wake up? I will just be in the house and job searching. There is nothing to do and no one to see here." So I just sleep and sleep until I can't anymore... which results in me getting a very late start to my day, resulting in a late ending to my day 3 and 4:00am. Thus, starting the vampire-like sleep cycle all over again. I find that my lame, constrained nights are much better than the worthless days I encounter.
But what a horrible attitude to have. I mean, hello! "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad IN it" yet, asleep in bed I remain as if I have no purpose. And you want to know why?... because now that I'm having the identity crisis of neither being in school nor working I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!" and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Then with my perpetual sulking I drive my family crazy... even though they put up with me with great skill. Ok, I do not sulk all day... but mostly when I am at home alone... or with nothing to do, like not even an ERRAND to run. I feel like crawling out of my skin!
Back to sulking... today was the hands down, absolute sulkiest day of them all. It didn't start out like that though. Woke up, went to church with mom and sis [(Dad had a day-trip for work out of town)... oh and NO, we aren't Seventh Day Adventists or anything other than Christian-Protestant... non-denominational (which is a denomination in itself) to be exact. My church just happens to meet on Saturdays.] I was feeling good, church was exceedingly boring and I was quite tired... but still, I was doing good. Then church was over and we all (ladies) stood around talking for about 30mins or so (still chipper). Then we left church, headed to the mall and THAT conversation that I had with my mom about REALITY pushed me over the edge into sulk-dom... although there was nothing inherently wrong with the conversation. I just decided to be deeply upset and disturbed about ONE thing in particular that Jesus hasn't yet brought to full fruition in my life.
I have said this before. It's so easy to get caught up in the grocery list of things that we ask God for that we ignore the FULLY stocked pantry/fridge of all of the things He's already freely given. I could go on for days about how great God has been to, but I'll just do a crash summary of my life to explain:
I was born, then my parents separated when I was a few months old. My biological dad was a good dad, but he never lived in my household since I remember. I lived as a child of a single mother for about 5 years, until my mother was blessed with my step dad, her knight in shining armor UNmistakenly given by God. Through my step dad (referred to simply as Dad from now on in this entry) God made her life complete and SAVED me from the life of a little girl growing up without the strong presence of a father who loved God. The moment mom married Dad was a major turning point in my life. There is NO telling who I would have become without the influence of Dad (with God's direction and support) in my life. In addition to a spiritual foundation, I have grown up somewhat pampered. While Dad was always quite strict, he has treated my mom, sis and I like queen and princesses... not spoiling us rotten ever, but sure... you could say I have a sense of entitlement sometimes in the way I KNOW I should be treated, PARTICULARLY by any man who wants to consider me for anything serious, like marriage. I know the kind of man I would like to keep around. I learned that from Dad... from my biological dad, I (unfortunately) learned the kind of man that should never be my husband. Anyways, under Dad and Mom's guidance and God's blessing, I was an honor roll student ALL through my K-12 education, attended the Georgia Institute of Technology for my bachelor of science (with NO real struggle in terms of issues external to classes) within 4 short years... went to grad school for a year at Georgia State University for a year and decided it was the wrong program for me (within months)... little did I know, I had been placed into a more solid position to apply for the program that truly was for me... and now I hold a (recent) master's degree from Florida State University at the age of 25. If you know my family, that's kind of a big deal. I'm one of a few cousins that holds a baccalaureate degree, let alone a master's and having aspirations to begin a doctorate within a few years. Those are the more visible blessings. I've also never gone hungry or not known where my next meal was coming from, never observed domestic violence on the part of my parents. I have not one, but TWO fathers who love me VERY much. I have it made in the SHADE.
But... despite all of these things, today I chose to harp on what my mother and I talked about in the car. All my life, like many women, I've dreamed of my prince charming... you know, "that guy"... I referred to him as "Mr. Intended" a few entries ago. As I have also said, I don't envision perfection... but he should be perfect for me. We should fit together without having to do a lot of trimming. These things I already knew, but my mom simply reminded me as I related to her a story of a situation that "one of my friends" was having with a guy she really liked. She told me that when she met my biological father, she felt like she did a lot of work. It was hard work to vibe and get along with him. She was met with a lot of adversity on multiple facets. But then, when she finally met Dad, it wasn't work, she said. They are both very different people, she explained, but apparently God did all of the work from the get-go to bring them together... there was no anxiety, frustration, serious miscommunication, none of that from the beginning. They have a great marriage now, and NO, I am NOT saying that they don't have to work at their marriage (because WHO doesn't have to work at maintaining a great marriage) but they were obviously meant to be together. It's just that 99% of the time it's not a fight.
So my mother expressed to me that a relationship, especially at the outset, should not be a fight... or something that requires considerable, back-breaking labor to happen. I should be able to be me and he should be able to be him freely within the relationship. If my Crystalness makes his [Name]ness feel trapped, then it's a no go. So then I began to think of personal qualities (aside from not having a relationship with God, because that's a given for my significant other) that would be deal breakers for a relationship between me and someone else, based on what I need and the kind of relationship I hope to have.
I thought of two (for starters), so here goes...
I know that I can not be in a relationship with someone who does not value intimacy [NO, I don't mean sex... certainly not for a non-marital relationship in my case], but it is a CORE relational value of mine to get to know a person as well as I can and for them to get to know me as well as I can. Most of this takes place through somewhat lengthy conversations here and there, with quick communication (texts and such) dispersed throughout. My intuition is pretty darn good (when I pay attention to it), but dammit, it's not what I want to rely on to "know" someone.... just going on a hunch I get, NO. It's bad news. Also, another deal breaker that I've come to realize is inability to empathize with me. Look, I KNOW that I can be a little crazy and neurotic sometimes, I'm working on it... but EMPATHY is the hallmark of how God made me. It's a gift and a curse in the sense that I get hurt when people are unable to empathize with me. I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but I have a hard time understanding how another person can't put themselves in my shoes (I guess that's an instance where I can't place myself in their shoes either huh?). But YES, if empathizing with me, understanding why the hell I say and do things the way I tend to do and recognizing and HONORING my need for intimacy cause someone's [Name]ness considerable PAIN, then it won't work. These are absolutely ESSENTIAL to my personal thriving in a relationship. Without these things I am nothing short of a wreck. As a lover, I do my DAMNEDEST to support the other person and I'm loyal to the end... but if I feel like the core characteristics of my Crystalness, the ESSENCE, are being stamped out, I retaliate... and I'm not very fun. I become like a threatened animal backed into a corner, biting and pushing... trying with all my might to be understood and to be me and to BREATHE.... Jesus. All the while, the person who has me backed into a corner feels similarly restricted and threatened by my Crystalness, I percieve. It's just a bad look, a no go. And it's no one's fault, it's just unwise to try and force a square peg into a round hole. Neither the peg nor the hole will be happy.
It was a nice epiphany to have, moment of clarity to reach. I really do want God's best for me. I have resolved to act like it by asking Him to use me to serve others. With all this preoccupation I have with my current life moment I've drawn into myself and lost sight of the fact that there is a bigger picture. God's story is much bigger than my life. It's time for me to step up and truly figure out what role He wants me to play.
But what a horrible attitude to have. I mean, hello! "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad IN it" yet, asleep in bed I remain as if I have no purpose. And you want to know why?... because now that I'm having the identity crisis of neither being in school nor working I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!" and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Then with my perpetual sulking I drive my family crazy... even though they put up with me with great skill. Ok, I do not sulk all day... but mostly when I am at home alone... or with nothing to do, like not even an ERRAND to run. I feel like crawling out of my skin!
Back to sulking... today was the hands down, absolute sulkiest day of them all. It didn't start out like that though. Woke up, went to church with mom and sis [(Dad had a day-trip for work out of town)... oh and NO, we aren't Seventh Day Adventists or anything other than Christian-Protestant... non-denominational (which is a denomination in itself) to be exact. My church just happens to meet on Saturdays.] I was feeling good, church was exceedingly boring and I was quite tired... but still, I was doing good. Then church was over and we all (ladies) stood around talking for about 30mins or so (still chipper). Then we left church, headed to the mall and THAT conversation that I had with my mom about REALITY pushed me over the edge into sulk-dom... although there was nothing inherently wrong with the conversation. I just decided to be deeply upset and disturbed about ONE thing in particular that Jesus hasn't yet brought to full fruition in my life.
I have said this before. It's so easy to get caught up in the grocery list of things that we ask God for that we ignore the FULLY stocked pantry/fridge of all of the things He's already freely given. I could go on for days about how great God has been to, but I'll just do a crash summary of my life to explain:
I was born, then my parents separated when I was a few months old. My biological dad was a good dad, but he never lived in my household since I remember. I lived as a child of a single mother for about 5 years, until my mother was blessed with my step dad, her knight in shining armor UNmistakenly given by God. Through my step dad (referred to simply as Dad from now on in this entry) God made her life complete and SAVED me from the life of a little girl growing up without the strong presence of a father who loved God. The moment mom married Dad was a major turning point in my life. There is NO telling who I would have become without the influence of Dad (with God's direction and support) in my life. In addition to a spiritual foundation, I have grown up somewhat pampered. While Dad was always quite strict, he has treated my mom, sis and I like queen and princesses... not spoiling us rotten ever, but sure... you could say I have a sense of entitlement sometimes in the way I KNOW I should be treated, PARTICULARLY by any man who wants to consider me for anything serious, like marriage. I know the kind of man I would like to keep around. I learned that from Dad... from my biological dad, I (unfortunately) learned the kind of man that should never be my husband. Anyways, under Dad and Mom's guidance and God's blessing, I was an honor roll student ALL through my K-12 education, attended the Georgia Institute of Technology for my bachelor of science (with NO real struggle in terms of issues external to classes) within 4 short years... went to grad school for a year at Georgia State University for a year and decided it was the wrong program for me (within months)... little did I know, I had been placed into a more solid position to apply for the program that truly was for me... and now I hold a (recent) master's degree from Florida State University at the age of 25. If you know my family, that's kind of a big deal. I'm one of a few cousins that holds a baccalaureate degree, let alone a master's and having aspirations to begin a doctorate within a few years. Those are the more visible blessings. I've also never gone hungry or not known where my next meal was coming from, never observed domestic violence on the part of my parents. I have not one, but TWO fathers who love me VERY much. I have it made in the SHADE.
But... despite all of these things, today I chose to harp on what my mother and I talked about in the car. All my life, like many women, I've dreamed of my prince charming... you know, "that guy"... I referred to him as "Mr. Intended" a few entries ago. As I have also said, I don't envision perfection... but he should be perfect for me. We should fit together without having to do a lot of trimming. These things I already knew, but my mom simply reminded me as I related to her a story of a situation that "one of my friends" was having with a guy she really liked. She told me that when she met my biological father, she felt like she did a lot of work. It was hard work to vibe and get along with him. She was met with a lot of adversity on multiple facets. But then, when she finally met Dad, it wasn't work, she said. They are both very different people, she explained, but apparently God did all of the work from the get-go to bring them together... there was no anxiety, frustration, serious miscommunication, none of that from the beginning. They have a great marriage now, and NO, I am NOT saying that they don't have to work at their marriage (because WHO doesn't have to work at maintaining a great marriage) but they were obviously meant to be together. It's just that 99% of the time it's not a fight.
So my mother expressed to me that a relationship, especially at the outset, should not be a fight... or something that requires considerable, back-breaking labor to happen. I should be able to be me and he should be able to be him freely within the relationship. If my Crystalness makes his [Name]ness feel trapped, then it's a no go. So then I began to think of personal qualities (aside from not having a relationship with God, because that's a given for my significant other) that would be deal breakers for a relationship between me and someone else, based on what I need and the kind of relationship I hope to have.
I thought of two (for starters), so here goes...
I know that I can not be in a relationship with someone who does not value intimacy [NO, I don't mean sex... certainly not for a non-marital relationship in my case], but it is a CORE relational value of mine to get to know a person as well as I can and for them to get to know me as well as I can. Most of this takes place through somewhat lengthy conversations here and there, with quick communication (texts and such) dispersed throughout. My intuition is pretty darn good (when I pay attention to it), but dammit, it's not what I want to rely on to "know" someone.... just going on a hunch I get, NO. It's bad news. Also, another deal breaker that I've come to realize is inability to empathize with me. Look, I KNOW that I can be a little crazy and neurotic sometimes, I'm working on it... but EMPATHY is the hallmark of how God made me. It's a gift and a curse in the sense that I get hurt when people are unable to empathize with me. I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but I have a hard time understanding how another person can't put themselves in my shoes (I guess that's an instance where I can't place myself in their shoes either huh?). But YES, if empathizing with me, understanding why the hell I say and do things the way I tend to do and recognizing and HONORING my need for intimacy cause someone's [Name]ness considerable PAIN, then it won't work. These are absolutely ESSENTIAL to my personal thriving in a relationship. Without these things I am nothing short of a wreck. As a lover, I do my DAMNEDEST to support the other person and I'm loyal to the end... but if I feel like the core characteristics of my Crystalness, the ESSENCE, are being stamped out, I retaliate... and I'm not very fun. I become like a threatened animal backed into a corner, biting and pushing... trying with all my might to be understood and to be me and to BREATHE.... Jesus. All the while, the person who has me backed into a corner feels similarly restricted and threatened by my Crystalness, I percieve. It's just a bad look, a no go. And it's no one's fault, it's just unwise to try and force a square peg into a round hole. Neither the peg nor the hole will be happy.
It was a nice epiphany to have, moment of clarity to reach. I really do want God's best for me. I have resolved to act like it by asking Him to use me to serve others. With all this preoccupation I have with my current life moment I've drawn into myself and lost sight of the fact that there is a bigger picture. God's story is much bigger than my life. It's time for me to step up and truly figure out what role He wants me to play.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
my poor pookie
So, my baby sister left home for Orlando on a trip with her friends (and one of their moms). I was sad to see her go and woke up kinda sad, wishing she was still around. We have so much fun together. That's my pookie. Well, when I woke up and decided to start getting out of the bed my dad was yelling. Honestly, I thought he was yelling at my mom... but that's out of character for him and for their relationship... so then I realized he was yelling at Pookie. She apparently lost her wallet with the $100 they had given her for the trip BEFORE making it out of town. She thought she had put it in her McDonald's bag that had been thrown away at a gas station on the way out of town. Therefore, mom, dad and I pile into the car, drive to this gas station about 20 minutes from the house and go through the trash can in attempts to find this fabled bag, which we hoped had the wallet. Well, we looked all up and through that trash can and the one beside it. There was no wallet. This was a big wallet, mind you... like one of those cigarette case ones.. It was unmistakeably not there. So then we go to the McDonald's and ask again (her friend's dad had gone over there earlier) if they had seen her wallet. They still didn't have it.
One the one hand, I feel bad for her because I know this has put a damper on her trip and she doesn't know what to expect when she gets home... kinda like how I was last weekend. On the other hand I'm like "You're 16, how are you making such poor decisions in keeping up with your money? What's really going on?" Mostly, I think I'm upset at her for messing up the beginning of her trip over something so stupid. This was definitely a learning experience for her though, so I guess it will be for the better in the long term. It just sucks for her today. Poor pookie.
One the one hand, I feel bad for her because I know this has put a damper on her trip and she doesn't know what to expect when she gets home... kinda like how I was last weekend. On the other hand I'm like "You're 16, how are you making such poor decisions in keeping up with your money? What's really going on?" Mostly, I think I'm upset at her for messing up the beginning of her trip over something so stupid. This was definitely a learning experience for her though, so I guess it will be for the better in the long term. It just sucks for her today. Poor pookie.
Friday, May 29, 2009
memorial day . encouragement . gatlinburg
::memorial day weekend::
So, this was drama. I created unnecessary drama for myself by going out of town without explicitly telling both of my parents. I could have SWORN I told my mom, but apparently not. This resulted in a super salty dad and a shortened trip... plus household undercurrent drama once I got home and was afraid to bring up the incident (after getting CUSSED out). Then I was even MORE eager to get a suitable job and get out of my parents' house so that I can resume adulthood. Even though this is not a horrible situation (living in the house with my family after 7 years), it can't be like this permanently. The weekend itself was cool when I wasn't worried about how salty my parents were. I went to Warner Robins and Perry, Georgia. My friend and I visited the (free) Museum of Aviation on Robins AFB, Lane Orchard and (lame) Priester's Pecans. We ate at this great southern restaurant called "Green Derby" that I always noticed on my way to and from Atlanta when I lived in Tallahassee. Apparently it's the "best food in Perry,"...well, it tasted like it could very well have been. I like to eat locally when I go out of town.
::encouragement::
Well, I kinda sorta got into some personal foolishness, mayhem and carrying on recently that caused me to pause and evaluate some things and to back down from the ledge I was standing on ready to jump... in terms of personal values and the things I know I want in life, and the things that are healthy and what God wants for me AND for those around me. Then FINALLY I prayed about it and asked God to help me get my mind right and focused back on the prize, instead of being so focused on my current situation and everything I perceived to be wrong and how NOTHING seems to be happening and how I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because I feel stagnant and instead of the stuff I got myself into. I prayed about that Wednesday night, and as surely as the worlds rolled from my heart into the heavens, when I woke up and checked my email Thursday morning there was a note in my facebook inbox, from an acquaintance (a DISTANT acquaintance, mind you... like exchange a word or two once in 6 months or so) who had written me a lengthy message about how he could sense God's presence on my spirit and how some people probably miss it and how that has likely been a good thing for me... more importantly it was about how I may not feel like anything is happening in my life right now, but that God is CLEARLY working in me and that I should keep heart and stay the course. There was a lot more, but that was most pertinent. I thought WOW. I'm not on facebook like that anymore to where it may be 100% transparent what I'm going through... or more importantly, what message I need to hear. Because of that, I consider it divinely inspired for my benefit. That has to be one of the quickest answers.
[Here's the message from my friend... added 4.4.10]
"Hey, I just read your post. Just wanted to say that you should be full of good hope and courage and know that what God has promised for you does not come with an expiration date. Just remain faithful to God's plan.
Too often times I believe that we as people, Christains included, do not take the time to point out to others the things that we see in them. I said that to say this, God is still grooming you. I haven't priorly mentioned this to you but you are a rather peculiar person. I say and mean that in a good way. I do recall the first time I noticed you at a BGSA meeting heard you speak I did know something was different about you. I didn't know you then, but I have been allowed to get glimpses of you in how you reveal yourself through your writings. Sure there have been a few conversations in-between too, but mainly through what you write is how I have to come to know more about who you are. I can honestly say that I knew then, what I know now, and that is God has His hands on you. To me, it is an unmistakeable presence. Your Spirit is alive and it radiates. Some may never notice, which perhaps for you is a good thing, other may be drawn to it. Nonetheless, you should stay on the path that you are on. What God hath purposed for you shall manifest itself. Continue you to posture yourself for those things. I know it may appear that anything is not happening for you now, but more than meets the eyes is going on in your life. Take this metaphor, I'm sure as an academic person you can appreciate it. I would say you need to complete your research assignment(s) before moving on to bigger thesis projects. There may be some revisions in the process that you have to do, but once He knows you have everything in order you will be happy with the grade (mate perhaps) you recieve.
Certainly you have accomplished personal goals which serve as milestones in an average person life, but you are not average in any shape of the imagination. Continue to press towards the mark of the higher calling in Christ Jesus. What you seek will be revealed. Pray Gods word back to Him. Not because He doesn't know it, but because you want it to stay in your heart. God's word can not return back to Him void, and He is the ultimate promise keeper. I dare you to do that, you will be amazed with the results.
You're a blessed woman of God, and your virtue is to be desired. Take care and continue to run the race."
~W
Also, once I decided to release the situation I'd gotten myself in, it seemed like something else (that I won't talk about in detail) took a turn for the better. Even though I wanted unsaid situtation to be fruitful, I had begun to let it go... it was sitting out on the curb. Maybe it wasn't wise to consider more than one dream at a time? I don't know, but it's looking better now.... So I'll hold tight and see, prayerfully.
::gatlinburg, tn::
My family and I are in Gatlinburg for my mom's 36th year high school class gathering. I think they do something just about every year, if not multiple times a year. It's been pleasant. This weekend is in STARK contrast to last weekend, since my parents aren't upset with me. That's a good thing since we are in close quarters (the car, same hotel room). The Gatlinburg area is cool I guess. I like the mountains, but maybe this part is a bit too touristy. It feels like south Myrtle Beach, SC (if you know the difference between North and South Myrtle Beach by chance). There seems to be a market here for spur-of-the-moment weddings. Our hotel is catty corner from a wedding chapel and on our way to lunch today we passed about 3 wedding dress/tux rental shops. Also, when we got a map of town upon checking in, the map highlighted the location for marriage licenses, with a red heart.
Since I'm 25, this place is sucking a bit as a family getaway; but this place could work as a romantic getaway (in the winter, too many bugs here right now lol). My love and I could rent one of the nice mountain cabins, lock ourselves in, cook for each other, and live off of love for a few days. Seems like it would be cozy and relaxing, fireplace and warm company, in peaceful quiteness... away from the touristy buzz. True to design, however, I would have to come see about the outlet stores, especially Nine West (even though it wasn't talking about much today). And I would absolutely HAVE to go to Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant for southern comfort food. The apple fritters I had earlier today there (complimentary appetizer served with apple butter and apple julep) were to DIE for... someone's mama (not necessarily yours or mine though) needed to be slapped. They were just that good.... it's too bad my stomach wouldn't let me eat my weight in them. But yeah, I'd have to go there and also to the winery next door for some apple wine, to share with my love of course.
We leave Gatlingburg in a few hours.... I'm ready to not be living in a hotel room anymore and in the same room as my parents. Maybe a job will be waiting for me when I get back to Georgia.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
new FIRST poem
So, I haven't written a poem since 2007... and I decided to get back into it. If you look on this blog, you will see that in late 2005 and much of 2006 I was in a zone. I haven't been able to reclaim that zone since. But now, I don't want to reclaim it because it's time for a new zone. I figured I needed a new "first" poem and decided to dedicate it to someone, which is not normal practice for me. The poem is below. It's obviously more of a direct message than a poem, but its what poured out of me. I hope that this is not only my new first poem, but the last first poem I ever have to write... and I hope the person I dedicated it to doesn't hate it. I'm rusty and had to get the point across... but I can do much better, and I (clearly) owe you a "make-up" poem in the future.
Well, here goes...
This is my new "first" poem
and I decided to write it for you.
Why?
Maybe it's because I think about you a lot
or because I like what you represent
or that I think you're cooler
than you could know.
Your card surprised me,
really did. I still smile about it, but...
I get confused that we don't talk
even though your card said
that you wanted to know more
about me.
It's not like I see you,
so what was the game plan there?
Frustrated.
Then I think, this not talking thing,
it's ok too. Enough on my mind,
and I often hate the phone and don't answer it
Not even for my dad... I did that yesterday.
But this is no big change from before
with you and me prior to meeting,
Except we can send texts now.
You want to get to know me,
but be unconcerned with me most of the time?
Then you should write me letters.
I say that with sweetest intent.
In the sea of everything else in my life,
don't let me forget you.
I don't want to,
but how long can one hold on
to two weeks? Especially given
the circumstances.
Could read your card
every day,
but then that would just be
um... crazy.
Well, here goes...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New "First" Poem
This is my new "first" poem
and I decided to write it for you.
Why?
Maybe it's because I think about you a lot
or because I like what you represent
or that I think you're cooler
than you could know.
Your card surprised me,
really did. I still smile about it, but...
I get confused that we don't talk
even though your card said
that you wanted to know more
about me.
It's not like I see you,
so what was the game plan there?
Frustrated.
Then I think, this not talking thing,
it's ok too. Enough on my mind,
and I often hate the phone and don't answer it
Not even for my dad... I did that yesterday.
But this is no big change from before
with you and me prior to meeting,
Except we can send texts now.
You want to get to know me,
but be unconcerned with me most of the time?
Then you should write me letters.
I say that with sweetest intent.
In the sea of everything else in my life,
don't let me forget you.
I don't want to,
but how long can one hold on
to two weeks? Especially given
the circumstances.
Could read your card
every day,
but then that would just be
um... crazy.
i refuse to be idle... even tho i got knocked down
I'm awake now, so I may as well write... right?
So yesterday, I found out that I did NOT land my dream job. The job in my favorite city, the interview that had gone so great. It's a good thing that I did not decide to begin my day until 1pm. If not, I would have had an ENTIRE day to be upset about it. As it was, I found out... cried my eyes OUT and then decided to pull myself together before my sister got off the bus close to 4pm. I couldn't let her see me in such a pitiful state. It's not that I'm too cool to cry around her, but if she saw just how upset I was yesterday then she'd be worried about me. I couldn't have that, so I took a shower and washed my tears away with it. How could they not offer me this job? Didn't they know how BADLY I wanted it? Yeah yeah... and I would have done a damn good job, but the truth is they wanted someone else. Also, if I'm honest with myself... I wasn't really trying to go to work right now. Sure, I don't want all of my little money to run out and to have to rely TOTALLY on my parents in this interim... and I'm going half crazy right now at home all day every day. I need a VERB. But still, right now was not the time to hit the ground running at a full time job. I still wake up in night sweats about my graduate school experience, shoot (not really, but I thought that was a nice way of saying that it's fresh in my mind).
It just hit me on SUNDAY that I'd truly escaped Tallahassee... and it's been a couple of weeks. I was honestly worried that I would not get OUT of there. It grew on me, but folk just kept calling it the black hole, and I didn't think it was the geographical answer to my life. Even though a couple of people made me (in the back of my mind) want to consider getting a job there [ALS, ALM... whoa that's freakish, why are yall's initials so similar??] they're not going to be there permanently... or even after a few months, so why risk getting trapped? I hope that one day, though, I am blessed enough to live near (or even in the same city) as those two individuals though. They are both special to me.
Back to the job. I am at PEACE with it (mostly)... but I'd be lying if at moments I didn't find my thoughts drifting to why I wasn't chosen.... as if I needed more reasons to be unsure of myself. I tell that secondary voice to shut up though. God has given me this time I know. I feel like I'm wasting it though. I seem to be good at that. What not getting this job HAS done is made me wayyy more discouraged overall. That was 1 of 24 applications. Today (er, yesterday really) I started what I like to call "Phase II" of my job search. On my table that lists all the jobs I've applied for (where, what and status) and numbers them, I started a new table below it with the 5 new jobs I've applied to this week with new numbers. I should just make it a practice to begin numbering again every time I hit 10. I do feel like I was bitch slapped and fell on my butt though.
I need a goal other than a job/getting BACK out of my parents' house. One begins on June 1st, reading the bible in 90 days. I should seriously start my running program, but (a) I have no idea where the heck the book is and (b) no idea where my athletic clothes are. I hate living out of a suitcase. I could work on my Esther devotional, but WAIT, can't find that either. Ok... that settles it, I'm going to a Christian bookstore tomorrow to find something to do that's constructive. The good news is that I CAN find my bibles (at least two of them). Real-time decision, that's why I like writing. It helps me gather my thoughts and achieve a clarity I would not otherwise achieve while constantly mulling over the same thoughts repeatedly.
So yesterday, I found out that I did NOT land my dream job. The job in my favorite city, the interview that had gone so great. It's a good thing that I did not decide to begin my day until 1pm. If not, I would have had an ENTIRE day to be upset about it. As it was, I found out... cried my eyes OUT and then decided to pull myself together before my sister got off the bus close to 4pm. I couldn't let her see me in such a pitiful state. It's not that I'm too cool to cry around her, but if she saw just how upset I was yesterday then she'd be worried about me. I couldn't have that, so I took a shower and washed my tears away with it. How could they not offer me this job? Didn't they know how BADLY I wanted it? Yeah yeah... and I would have done a damn good job, but the truth is they wanted someone else. Also, if I'm honest with myself... I wasn't really trying to go to work right now. Sure, I don't want all of my little money to run out and to have to rely TOTALLY on my parents in this interim... and I'm going half crazy right now at home all day every day. I need a VERB. But still, right now was not the time to hit the ground running at a full time job. I still wake up in night sweats about my graduate school experience, shoot (not really, but I thought that was a nice way of saying that it's fresh in my mind).
It just hit me on SUNDAY that I'd truly escaped Tallahassee... and it's been a couple of weeks. I was honestly worried that I would not get OUT of there. It grew on me, but folk just kept calling it the black hole, and I didn't think it was the geographical answer to my life. Even though a couple of people made me (in the back of my mind) want to consider getting a job there [ALS, ALM... whoa that's freakish, why are yall's initials so similar??] they're not going to be there permanently... or even after a few months, so why risk getting trapped? I hope that one day, though, I am blessed enough to live near (or even in the same city) as those two individuals though. They are both special to me.
Back to the job. I am at PEACE with it (mostly)... but I'd be lying if at moments I didn't find my thoughts drifting to why I wasn't chosen.... as if I needed more reasons to be unsure of myself. I tell that secondary voice to shut up though. God has given me this time I know. I feel like I'm wasting it though. I seem to be good at that. What not getting this job HAS done is made me wayyy more discouraged overall. That was 1 of 24 applications. Today (er, yesterday really) I started what I like to call "Phase II" of my job search. On my table that lists all the jobs I've applied for (where, what and status) and numbers them, I started a new table below it with the 5 new jobs I've applied to this week with new numbers. I should just make it a practice to begin numbering again every time I hit 10. I do feel like I was bitch slapped and fell on my butt though.
I need a goal other than a job/getting BACK out of my parents' house. One begins on June 1st, reading the bible in 90 days. I should seriously start my running program, but (a) I have no idea where the heck the book is and (b) no idea where my athletic clothes are. I hate living out of a suitcase. I could work on my Esther devotional, but WAIT, can't find that either. Ok... that settles it, I'm going to a Christian bookstore tomorrow to find something to do that's constructive. The good news is that I CAN find my bibles (at least two of them). Real-time decision, that's why I like writing. It helps me gather my thoughts and achieve a clarity I would not otherwise achieve while constantly mulling over the same thoughts repeatedly.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My New Favorite Song: "Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f/ Chantae Cann
The following is my new favorite song. I love the melody. I suggest you download it... or maybe the ENTIRE CD, "The Polkadotted Stripe" by Jaspects [ iTunes Link for The Polkadotted Stripe ]
"Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f. Chantae Cann
But were we meant to be
Were you meant for me
Or are you here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
Is this love for real or is this make believe
Were we meant to be, is this our destiny
Why must we be lovers, why can't we be friends
How can we return to where we've never been
I don't know, but if we never try, we will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
To these questions I have answers
But only few
I don't know the future
but it seems our love is through
I see that seed of love but I'm afraid to sow
But if I fear to fail
Then I will fail to grow
I don't know, but if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
I can never find another love like you in my life
Crazy as it seems
You may be my dream come true
Loving you may be the hardest thing to do
But I'll try, but I'll try
I'll try to love you with all of my heart and soul
And I'll be there when you need someone to hold
but we can't deny the present for the past
And we can not doubt what may be meant to last
I don't know
You don't know
We don't know
But... if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
"Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f. Chantae Cann
But were we meant to be
Were you meant for me
Or are you here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
Is this love for real or is this make believe
Were we meant to be, is this our destiny
Why must we be lovers, why can't we be friends
How can we return to where we've never been
I don't know, but if we never try, we will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
To these questions I have answers
But only few
I don't know the future
but it seems our love is through
I see that seed of love but I'm afraid to sow
But if I fear to fail
Then I will fail to grow
I don't know, but if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
I can never find another love like you in my life
Crazy as it seems
You may be my dream come true
Loving you may be the hardest thing to do
But I'll try, but I'll try
I'll try to love you with all of my heart and soul
And I'll be there when you need someone to hold
but we can't deny the present for the past
And we can not doubt what may be meant to last
I don't know
You don't know
We don't know
But... if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
Sunday, May 17, 2009
(Mr.) Good Enough
The boyfriends I've had (as an adult... def NOT counting high school) I have always considered good enough. Particularly at the times in which we dated, they were good for the moment, for where I was in life. I entered these relationships without serious consultation with God. Despite my recklessness, God seems to have allowed these past relationships to serve a purpose of personal growth and certainly introspection. In these instances experienced many of my weakness and personal flaws.
One particular instance brought me into view of a young person living His life for Christ, which presented for me a picture of what that could look like and provided steps and resources (human and material) to help my personal pursuit of Jesus, WHICH ironically, I was so wrapped up in the guy and his Christianity that I didn't work on mine. In fact, it seems that the point of our relationship was for me to experience what I have gone through in the aftermath of it. The aftermath was a dark and chaotic time for me that highlighted my need for a personal relationship with Christ (that was not predicated on the experiences of someone else) and my desire for purpose. It also demonstrated for me a good sense of the man I wanted, by creating a strong standard. Now, don't get me wrong. I have two dads a step dad and biological dad, so I know what a husband and a father looks like. One of my dads represents an excellent example of a husband... which I admittedly use as a blueprint on some levels. I don't think that God wants any less for me than someone who was CLEARLY created to be with me. Trust, I don't translate that into expecting perfection, but that does say that when the man presents himself to me in that light, it will be unmistakably clear as long as I stay in touch with how the Lord speaks to me, know that the man is also doing so, and we also approach Him together.
So yeah, this idea of "good enough." I am convinced (though I don't have the exact scripture references) that just as God expects my best for Him that he does not intend "good enough" for me. He does not expect me to settle for good enough, but instead wants me to wait patiently on Him for who or what is best (I shudder at the thought right now honestly, but maybe I will find someday that His perfect will for me does not include marriage.). Hmm, slight problem though, I'm not patient. At a snail's pace, I am beginning to make peace with the concept of God's timing... but if He gave me the choice right now between waiting or having the intended husband, children, and perfect (according to my gifts) career at THIS moment in life TRUST, I would choose the latter situation.
I'm not used to having to wait for the things I want most, as much of what God has given me in life has come without struggle, my family, good grades, admission to universities, subsequent degrees... I tell you though, this husband/family-of-my-own thing has been a great hang up and has certainly caused me numerous times to question God about His motives "what's really going on here?" Oh, and then there is the growing proportion of boo'd up or married people in my life (that are my age). I'm going to be in TWO weddings between now and March, and that's if no one else asks me [even though I keep SWEARING that I won't be in anyone else's wedding who is not sister, bff, or pif]. Sometimes these happenings leave me feeling like I missed the find a husband and get married memo. Oh, and the Hallmark store is the worst to me sometimes.... I see all these congrats on the engagement, wedding, baby shower, anniversary, etc. cards... and I begin to feel, for a moment, that I'm missing out on huge chunks of life. Then I am reminded, through my vague understanding of God's motives, of obvious probable reasons why none of these things are occurring in my life. Plus it's not about everyone else or my need to compare. Also, I should be on my knees thanking GOD that I don't have a baby right now; because I'll admit that it's an act of God's Gracious hand in my life undoubtedly, particularly for who I was a few short years ago... wooo.
I've done my share of whining, pleading with God about my circumstances and what I'd like to see happen and of acknowledging the clarity He has given me thus far on the topic of a husband. So, God has now upped the ante by challenging the way I think and of how I've operated in the past regarding relationships. Mr. Good Enough, is a glorified manifestation of Mr. Right Now. Sure, Mr. Right Now would naturally connote a man that REALLY is not the answer to relationship question... a skeezer, self-professed goon, someone (in my case especially) that does not acknowledge Jesus Christ; but those Mr. Good Enoughs surely sneak up on you. Mr. Good Enough loves God (or at least appears to), comes from a good family or at least appreciates and respects family and family structure, is doing "something" with his life, ambitious.
Mr. Good Enough may appear at a time when you're tired of struggling with loneliness and the endless seas of potential Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Good Enough is more than a cut above the obvious loser. Mr. Good Enough could be the one!!!! Hmmm.... maybe, but it's so easy to get caught up in his good-enough-ness and the surrounding excitement that you neglect God's voice in the matter and are beyond the point of no return before reaching a Divine verdict. Additionally, the Mr. Good Enoughs, when their entrance is timed jussssst right may result in a complete abandonment of Godly consultation and desensitivity to red flags. And just like that, you've sold out. Sold out by choosing the temporary fix over the dream, over what's promised, Mr. Intended (or Mr. Him, as I lovingly refer to whomever he is). Instead of enjoying the solid satisfaction of a love carefully shaped and designed by God, we quickly seize the moment presented to us. Hey, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush right?
Well... what if you were honest with yourself and knew that the bird was a quick fix. All your life you prayed for a cardinal, which was waiting in the bush... but you settle for the pigeon in your hand. What if God, instead of just promising you that He would one day give you a cardinal, showed it to you... like, "That cardinal is for you, but now is not the right time. I just wanted you to see that I heard you."? How is that pigeon looking right now? Does the pigeon still hold the same value, or does prioritization take place? The same with Mr. Good Enough (and Mr. Right Now), if you have caught a divine glimpse of Mr. Intended or if God has somehow encouraged the hope that he is out there looking for you and reminds you in a real way that He (God HEARS you and has your best interest at heart), how does Mr. Good Enough look right now? Are you willing to decline the short-term benefits of Mr. Good Enough for the benefit of your shared destiny with Mr. Intended?... or is the further delay of gratification unthinkable? You've been single long enough, why not lunge (yes, LUNGE) at the chance to be boo'd up like "everyone else"? It's a question of priority and value, short term vs. long term, good enough vs. blessed.
Let's take the idea a step further, consider now vs. eternity. The Mr. Right Nows and Mr. Good Enoughs serve as metaphors for the world and all of our addictions (proclaimed or denied). Mr. Intended is our redemption and subsequent eternal life promised through Christ Jesus. In fact, HE is the ULTIMATE Mr. Intended. He urges us to store up our treasures in heaven, which could be similar to placing priority for Mr. Intended over Mr. Good Enough, by waiting patiently and doing what you're supposed to be doing in the meantime. What's frustrating here is that although we must seek Him out, we already have our love letter. We know his inentions. He is a promise, and the more we work at seeking Him, the more of Him we see (or more accurately, recognize).
As many metaphors are, however, this one is imperfect. We can fervently work to build on our relationship with Christ as soon as our hearts, minds, bodies and souls are fixed on doing so. He has already (for many of us) stated his intentions and asked for our hand again and again and again. The offer of a deep and satisfying love is on the table already!... but unfortunately, it's so easy to accept His hand for a while and continue running back to the temporary happinesses that lie within this world or to even worse, mediocrity... "I'm good. I don't need a challenge. I'm already Christian so God and I have an understanding that I can just stay where I am without being tested and trying to grow." Mr. Good Enough IS the personification of mediocrity, of accepting ok when you can strive for and obtain God's BEST for your life, and for pouring you out for the blessing of others. Even if you've only heard stories about Jesus, you KNOW He did not half step. Why should that be ok for us that claim we are trying to be like Him?
So then, as alluded to before, there is a decision to be made on a couple of levels, (1) do I, having caught a glimpse of the promise and potential greatness of Mr. Intended, jump at the chance to have the present Mr. Good Enough and to also seize the Mr. Good Enoughs that are sure to come? or should I hold out patiently in faith of what I've been told and have seen for myself? After all, Mr. Good Enough will never truly BE good enough. (2) Having been made aware of God's promises through His word, and through prayer and in living my short life, do I continue clinging to the world and to spiritual stagnancy and status quo? or do I leap, in this moment of clarity, into the greatness to which I've been called ONLY through Christ Jesus, at last... for indeed tomorrow (or even the next moment) is not promised. Why not now? The glimpse of the possible and of the promised far outweighs the temporary fix.
*************************************************************************************
Whoa... I just starting writing, seemed like everything went black (no not really) and that's what poured out of my heart. I had no idea that these things I'd been pondering would manifest themselves in this way. It is admittedly far more biographical than you may care to know, so please don't think I'm pointing fingers... not the case at all. Also, if you find yourself thinking "hmm, is she talking about me?" don't assume, ask me.
One particular instance brought me into view of a young person living His life for Christ, which presented for me a picture of what that could look like and provided steps and resources (human and material) to help my personal pursuit of Jesus, WHICH ironically, I was so wrapped up in the guy and his Christianity that I didn't work on mine. In fact, it seems that the point of our relationship was for me to experience what I have gone through in the aftermath of it. The aftermath was a dark and chaotic time for me that highlighted my need for a personal relationship with Christ (that was not predicated on the experiences of someone else) and my desire for purpose. It also demonstrated for me a good sense of the man I wanted, by creating a strong standard. Now, don't get me wrong. I have two dads a step dad and biological dad, so I know what a husband and a father looks like. One of my dads represents an excellent example of a husband... which I admittedly use as a blueprint on some levels. I don't think that God wants any less for me than someone who was CLEARLY created to be with me. Trust, I don't translate that into expecting perfection, but that does say that when the man presents himself to me in that light, it will be unmistakably clear as long as I stay in touch with how the Lord speaks to me, know that the man is also doing so, and we also approach Him together.
So yeah, this idea of "good enough." I am convinced (though I don't have the exact scripture references) that just as God expects my best for Him that he does not intend "good enough" for me. He does not expect me to settle for good enough, but instead wants me to wait patiently on Him for who or what is best (I shudder at the thought right now honestly, but maybe I will find someday that His perfect will for me does not include marriage.). Hmm, slight problem though, I'm not patient. At a snail's pace, I am beginning to make peace with the concept of God's timing... but if He gave me the choice right now between waiting or having the intended husband, children, and perfect (according to my gifts) career at THIS moment in life TRUST, I would choose the latter situation.
I'm not used to having to wait for the things I want most, as much of what God has given me in life has come without struggle, my family, good grades, admission to universities, subsequent degrees... I tell you though, this husband/family-of-my-own thing has been a great hang up and has certainly caused me numerous times to question God about His motives "what's really going on here?" Oh, and then there is the growing proportion of boo'd up or married people in my life (that are my age). I'm going to be in TWO weddings between now and March, and that's if no one else asks me [even though I keep SWEARING that I won't be in anyone else's wedding who is not sister, bff, or pif]. Sometimes these happenings leave me feeling like I missed the find a husband and get married memo. Oh, and the Hallmark store is the worst to me sometimes.... I see all these congrats on the engagement, wedding, baby shower, anniversary, etc. cards... and I begin to feel, for a moment, that I'm missing out on huge chunks of life. Then I am reminded, through my vague understanding of God's motives, of obvious probable reasons why none of these things are occurring in my life. Plus it's not about everyone else or my need to compare. Also, I should be on my knees thanking GOD that I don't have a baby right now; because I'll admit that it's an act of God's Gracious hand in my life undoubtedly, particularly for who I was a few short years ago... wooo.
I've done my share of whining, pleading with God about my circumstances and what I'd like to see happen and of acknowledging the clarity He has given me thus far on the topic of a husband. So, God has now upped the ante by challenging the way I think and of how I've operated in the past regarding relationships. Mr. Good Enough, is a glorified manifestation of Mr. Right Now. Sure, Mr. Right Now would naturally connote a man that REALLY is not the answer to relationship question... a skeezer, self-professed goon, someone (in my case especially) that does not acknowledge Jesus Christ; but those Mr. Good Enoughs surely sneak up on you. Mr. Good Enough loves God (or at least appears to), comes from a good family or at least appreciates and respects family and family structure, is doing "something" with his life, ambitious.
Mr. Good Enough may appear at a time when you're tired of struggling with loneliness and the endless seas of potential Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Good Enough is more than a cut above the obvious loser. Mr. Good Enough could be the one!!!! Hmmm.... maybe, but it's so easy to get caught up in his good-enough-ness and the surrounding excitement that you neglect God's voice in the matter and are beyond the point of no return before reaching a Divine verdict. Additionally, the Mr. Good Enoughs, when their entrance is timed jussssst right may result in a complete abandonment of Godly consultation and desensitivity to red flags. And just like that, you've sold out. Sold out by choosing the temporary fix over the dream, over what's promised, Mr. Intended (or Mr. Him, as I lovingly refer to whomever he is). Instead of enjoying the solid satisfaction of a love carefully shaped and designed by God, we quickly seize the moment presented to us. Hey, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush right?
Well... what if you were honest with yourself and knew that the bird was a quick fix. All your life you prayed for a cardinal, which was waiting in the bush... but you settle for the pigeon in your hand. What if God, instead of just promising you that He would one day give you a cardinal, showed it to you... like, "That cardinal is for you, but now is not the right time. I just wanted you to see that I heard you."? How is that pigeon looking right now? Does the pigeon still hold the same value, or does prioritization take place? The same with Mr. Good Enough (and Mr. Right Now), if you have caught a divine glimpse of Mr. Intended or if God has somehow encouraged the hope that he is out there looking for you and reminds you in a real way that He (God HEARS you and has your best interest at heart), how does Mr. Good Enough look right now? Are you willing to decline the short-term benefits of Mr. Good Enough for the benefit of your shared destiny with Mr. Intended?... or is the further delay of gratification unthinkable? You've been single long enough, why not lunge (yes, LUNGE) at the chance to be boo'd up like "everyone else"? It's a question of priority and value, short term vs. long term, good enough vs. blessed.
Let's take the idea a step further, consider now vs. eternity. The Mr. Right Nows and Mr. Good Enoughs serve as metaphors for the world and all of our addictions (proclaimed or denied). Mr. Intended is our redemption and subsequent eternal life promised through Christ Jesus. In fact, HE is the ULTIMATE Mr. Intended. He urges us to store up our treasures in heaven, which could be similar to placing priority for Mr. Intended over Mr. Good Enough, by waiting patiently and doing what you're supposed to be doing in the meantime. What's frustrating here is that although we must seek Him out, we already have our love letter. We know his inentions. He is a promise, and the more we work at seeking Him, the more of Him we see (or more accurately, recognize).
As many metaphors are, however, this one is imperfect. We can fervently work to build on our relationship with Christ as soon as our hearts, minds, bodies and souls are fixed on doing so. He has already (for many of us) stated his intentions and asked for our hand again and again and again. The offer of a deep and satisfying love is on the table already!... but unfortunately, it's so easy to accept His hand for a while and continue running back to the temporary happinesses that lie within this world or to even worse, mediocrity... "I'm good. I don't need a challenge. I'm already Christian so God and I have an understanding that I can just stay where I am without being tested and trying to grow." Mr. Good Enough IS the personification of mediocrity, of accepting ok when you can strive for and obtain God's BEST for your life, and for pouring you out for the blessing of others. Even if you've only heard stories about Jesus, you KNOW He did not half step. Why should that be ok for us that claim we are trying to be like Him?
So then, as alluded to before, there is a decision to be made on a couple of levels, (1) do I, having caught a glimpse of the promise and potential greatness of Mr. Intended, jump at the chance to have the present Mr. Good Enough and to also seize the Mr. Good Enoughs that are sure to come? or should I hold out patiently in faith of what I've been told and have seen for myself? After all, Mr. Good Enough will never truly BE good enough. (2) Having been made aware of God's promises through His word, and through prayer and in living my short life, do I continue clinging to the world and to spiritual stagnancy and status quo? or do I leap, in this moment of clarity, into the greatness to which I've been called ONLY through Christ Jesus, at last... for indeed tomorrow (or even the next moment) is not promised. Why not now? The glimpse of the possible and of the promised far outweighs the temporary fix.
*************************************************************************************
Whoa... I just starting writing, seemed like everything went black (no not really) and that's what poured out of my heart. I had no idea that these things I'd been pondering would manifest themselves in this way. It is admittedly far more biographical than you may care to know, so please don't think I'm pointing fingers... not the case at all. Also, if you find yourself thinking "hmm, is she talking about me?" don't assume, ask me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
break over
I wonder how much longer I can exist like this, in my parents' house with no job... in limbo. Yes, I have been searching. I've been searching since this past November. I've filled out about 24 applications thus far, which I know is not a lot for quite a few people. I had my first interview on Tuesday (for the job I seriously WANT) as I mentioned.
I'm thinking about how when it was spring break, I wanted 2+ weeks, but now that I have no idea what's next in my life I'm suddenly restless. Knowing that I don't have to return to classes or to my assistantship when Monday rolls around again is kinda scary. What am I supposed to be doing (other than job searching)? Who AM I? I thought I wasn't one of those people whose identity was tied to what they were doing... but a large part of it is. I have to be doing something. If I'm taking a break, it must be from something. I can't just be out here...dangling. If I'm not taking a break from something... then it's not really a break at all. How can I just rest?
I've already decided that if I don't get this position in Atlanta I will be researching a volunteer position at home, something I can do a few hours a day. If I'm not going to be employed... I can at least serve. Ideally, I want to be a regular volunteer somewhere anyway. Why not get a jump on that right now? I enjoyed my time helping out at the coffee shop for my church in Tallahassee at the beginning of the year. What I do know is that I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T be idle. That's not an option, and internet job searching isn't active enough. Once I begin working, I know that I will probably KILL for a break like this, but at the moment, I think I'm more worked up than I would be if I was stressing about something for a job I already had. I haven't slept well or straight through a night for a whole WEEK now. That's not an existence. I mean, sure other things besides livelihood and identity are on my mind, but my career is major.
And then I feel bad. God is like, here, have a break my daughter. He has answered SO many long-standing prayers in a few short weeks for me. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but after all of these lavish blessings where do I again reach that point of desperation... of feeling like God has pulled away from me? How will I react if I am not offered this position I want sooooo badly? I'm afraid that I will forget who knows what's best for me? After a few more weeks of being home, I will begin to feel trapped. I know I will. I'm 25 and have been living away from home for 7 years, alone for the past 3. While it's nice to be around my family, I feel like I will begin to miss my autonomy soon. I guess it's fortunate that I don't have guys out here trying to take me on dates right now, because I feel like my dad would switch to high school mode and treat me like the same little girl who could not date until she graduated from high school.
But shame on me. God keeps blessing and blessing, and I'm grateful, I really am... but I'm relentless! Always asking "What's next? You've done this one Lord, what's next?" I can't begin to tell you what all He's done recently and answered so specifically. Yet here I am, trying to hurry along what He has done, as if I hadn't initially pleaded with Him to get where I am now. I haven't yet learned how to be in the moment, and that's why I can't sleep. :(
I'm thinking about how when it was spring break, I wanted 2+ weeks, but now that I have no idea what's next in my life I'm suddenly restless. Knowing that I don't have to return to classes or to my assistantship when Monday rolls around again is kinda scary. What am I supposed to be doing (other than job searching)? Who AM I? I thought I wasn't one of those people whose identity was tied to what they were doing... but a large part of it is. I have to be doing something. If I'm taking a break, it must be from something. I can't just be out here...dangling. If I'm not taking a break from something... then it's not really a break at all. How can I just rest?
I've already decided that if I don't get this position in Atlanta I will be researching a volunteer position at home, something I can do a few hours a day. If I'm not going to be employed... I can at least serve. Ideally, I want to be a regular volunteer somewhere anyway. Why not get a jump on that right now? I enjoyed my time helping out at the coffee shop for my church in Tallahassee at the beginning of the year. What I do know is that I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T be idle. That's not an option, and internet job searching isn't active enough. Once I begin working, I know that I will probably KILL for a break like this, but at the moment, I think I'm more worked up than I would be if I was stressing about something for a job I already had. I haven't slept well or straight through a night for a whole WEEK now. That's not an existence. I mean, sure other things besides livelihood and identity are on my mind, but my career is major.
And then I feel bad. God is like, here, have a break my daughter. He has answered SO many long-standing prayers in a few short weeks for me. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but after all of these lavish blessings where do I again reach that point of desperation... of feeling like God has pulled away from me? How will I react if I am not offered this position I want sooooo badly? I'm afraid that I will forget who knows what's best for me? After a few more weeks of being home, I will begin to feel trapped. I know I will. I'm 25 and have been living away from home for 7 years, alone for the past 3. While it's nice to be around my family, I feel like I will begin to miss my autonomy soon. I guess it's fortunate that I don't have guys out here trying to take me on dates right now, because I feel like my dad would switch to high school mode and treat me like the same little girl who could not date until she graduated from high school.
But shame on me. God keeps blessing and blessing, and I'm grateful, I really am... but I'm relentless! Always asking "What's next? You've done this one Lord, what's next?" I can't begin to tell you what all He's done recently and answered so specifically. Yet here I am, trying to hurry along what He has done, as if I hadn't initially pleaded with Him to get where I am now. I haven't yet learned how to be in the moment, and that's why I can't sleep. :(
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Patience?
family guests
My grandparents and one of my aunts are here for my mom's doctoral graduation tomorrow. They spend a lot of time discussing people, especially racial issues. My grandparents are 90 and 95 and grew up in the sticks of Mississippi in the heart of racial discord in America. They are very excited that Obama is president. I am too, but I am not interested in engaging in dialogue about what happened back in November. Yay, he won. Let's keep it moving. I don't give a crap about Palin right now, and I don't care to harp on how smart Obama is. After about an hour of beating the political dead horse, I had to respectly let my grandparents know that I was happy, but tired of talking about Obama. Now they are all in kitchen (my mom included) talking about people and about things they don't know much about. I was in my parents' room upstairs for the past couple of hours taking refuge, lol... now that I'm coming up off of my nap, I'm admittedly grumpy... so I'm just sitting over here in a corner trying to ignore the dialogue and thinking about getting my headphones....wait... I just got them. Ahhhh, listening to Janelle Monae on Pandora.
the job
I'm SO anxious now, wanting to hear about the outcome of my interview on Tuesday. I felt like I was at HOME. I know I can be great in the position and connect with the students. I hope the directors and selection committee felt the same way. Altanta is where I want to be. This institution and working with this insitution is what I want to be doing, it's what I went to school for, how I think God has designed me to assist students. I did my best to say that on my interview in so many words and in so many instances. I said everything but PICK ME! I feel like God wants me to have this position, but at the same time I feel like in thinking so, I set myself up for failure. I'm easily disappointed, and this is major. For me this is like the gateway into the rest of my career! Now I'm on edge. I could get a call as early as tomorrow about this position. How am I going to react if they don't offer it to me?... especially since it went so well?? I would cry probably, but I cry at a lot. I should be thankful that in this day and time (economy) regardless of my qualifications, that I was even invited on campus for a second interview. I asked the Lord, after my 'trainwreck'-like phone interview, to give me a chance in person with these folks, and He did. On Tuesday, I walked in full covering of that blessing. I was so at ease and I was actually MYSELF, not some super-nervous, uptight version of me... but grown, professional, light-hearted me who loves students and loves to SMILE. Thank you Jesus.
I should be content with everything that has come to pass over the past few weeks, so many prayers answered. It's obvious that the Lord has lent me His ear and has taken this moment in my life to show me that He has heard me. He has listened to the silent cries of my heart and how I've cried out to Him. I should be content right now, but all I feel right now is anxious and unsettled. What will be the outcomes of all of this? My life feels like a toss up, but I must rely on the fact that God is in control and that His will will be done. That should give me peace.
My grandparents and one of my aunts are here for my mom's doctoral graduation tomorrow. They spend a lot of time discussing people, especially racial issues. My grandparents are 90 and 95 and grew up in the sticks of Mississippi in the heart of racial discord in America. They are very excited that Obama is president. I am too, but I am not interested in engaging in dialogue about what happened back in November. Yay, he won. Let's keep it moving. I don't give a crap about Palin right now, and I don't care to harp on how smart Obama is. After about an hour of beating the political dead horse, I had to respectly let my grandparents know that I was happy, but tired of talking about Obama. Now they are all in kitchen (my mom included) talking about people and about things they don't know much about. I was in my parents' room upstairs for the past couple of hours taking refuge, lol... now that I'm coming up off of my nap, I'm admittedly grumpy... so I'm just sitting over here in a corner trying to ignore the dialogue and thinking about getting my headphones....wait... I just got them. Ahhhh, listening to Janelle Monae on Pandora.
the job
I'm SO anxious now, wanting to hear about the outcome of my interview on Tuesday. I felt like I was at HOME. I know I can be great in the position and connect with the students. I hope the directors and selection committee felt the same way. Altanta is where I want to be. This institution and working with this insitution is what I want to be doing, it's what I went to school for, how I think God has designed me to assist students. I did my best to say that on my interview in so many words and in so many instances. I said everything but PICK ME! I feel like God wants me to have this position, but at the same time I feel like in thinking so, I set myself up for failure. I'm easily disappointed, and this is major. For me this is like the gateway into the rest of my career! Now I'm on edge. I could get a call as early as tomorrow about this position. How am I going to react if they don't offer it to me?... especially since it went so well?? I would cry probably, but I cry at a lot. I should be thankful that in this day and time (economy) regardless of my qualifications, that I was even invited on campus for a second interview. I asked the Lord, after my 'trainwreck'-like phone interview, to give me a chance in person with these folks, and He did. On Tuesday, I walked in full covering of that blessing. I was so at ease and I was actually MYSELF, not some super-nervous, uptight version of me... but grown, professional, light-hearted me who loves students and loves to SMILE. Thank you Jesus.
I should be content with everything that has come to pass over the past few weeks, so many prayers answered. It's obvious that the Lord has lent me His ear and has taken this moment in my life to show me that He has heard me. He has listened to the silent cries of my heart and how I've cried out to Him. I should be content right now, but all I feel right now is anxious and unsettled. What will be the outcomes of all of this? My life feels like a toss up, but I must rely on the fact that God is in control and that His will will be done. That should give me peace.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Just in God's perfect time
So, in the wake of graduation and moving Tallahassee I cross paths with Pip and I can't help but think about how different things might have played out (for better or for worse) had we met back in September when we first connected. I won't say that I regret God's timing or that I even question it. Even with the restrictions of my human heart and mind I can think of quite a few arguments for timing things this way. I won't resent it. I will trust it. I will trust Him. He knows what I need and when. He has shown me and is showing me ESPECIALLY now that HE HEARS ME. What more can I ask for?
When I woke up on the morning of graduation, I was sad. I know I needed to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave the people who meant so much to me. I allowed myself to be confused by God's timing. I was near tears as I waited an HOUR for my friend to be ready to go to lunch. Because I remembered that I had my bible, I pulled it out and thought of some passages to read. I began with Jeremiah 11, the verses surrounding verse 29. Jeremiah 11:29 and context is so important to me right now. God has a plan for my life, I have a destiny to fulfill and even though I can't see where He is taking me, I know that He is working things in my life for eternal betterment.
My bible quest also lead me to Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It reiterated just how beautiful God's timing can be if we don't fight it. Pip may not agree, but there was something beautiful to me about the circumstance of our meeting and being in each other's presence the past two weeks. Also, this verse reminds me that His great plans for my life are grander than the grandest things that I can come up with my own or attempt to work towards.
I'll say no more. Maybe expressing it here in words will help me to process it better though.
When I woke up on the morning of graduation, I was sad. I know I needed to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave the people who meant so much to me. I allowed myself to be confused by God's timing. I was near tears as I waited an HOUR for my friend to be ready to go to lunch. Because I remembered that I had my bible, I pulled it out and thought of some passages to read. I began with Jeremiah 11, the verses surrounding verse 29. Jeremiah 11:29 and context is so important to me right now. God has a plan for my life, I have a destiny to fulfill and even though I can't see where He is taking me, I know that He is working things in my life for eternal betterment.
My bible quest also lead me to Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It reiterated just how beautiful God's timing can be if we don't fight it. Pip may not agree, but there was something beautiful to me about the circumstance of our meeting and being in each other's presence the past two weeks. Also, this verse reminds me that His great plans for my life are grander than the grandest things that I can come up with my own or attempt to work towards.
I'll say no more. Maybe expressing it here in words will help me to process it better though.
Graduation and Bye Bye Tally
I don't even know what to say, but I'll do my best here.
On Friday, May 1st I graduated with my Master of Science in Higher Education and Student Affairs from Florida State University. I also moved away from Tallahassee, leaving memories and special people behind.
The blur of the past two weeks...
After a long working weekend, spending a lot of study time with my pip in various locations I birthed my research paper in the wee hours of Sunday, April 19. That was the last assignment for my Directed Individual Study on the American Community College.
I immediately began working on my portion of the paper/presentation for our capstone course, Program Financial Management... but I was able to relax a little bit... so I broke the blog ice (as you may have seen). My group presented our project Thursday night, April 23 and then I was done and DONE with all of my coursework.
All I had left to do was clean out my desk at work, write my self-evaluation... and finish packing up my apartment. Pif and I drove a carload to my parent's house in GA on Friday. She said I looked like I was running away from an abusive husband the way I had what looked like ALL of my belongings stuffed into Carmen (my car). Sunday morning I woke up SICK, drove back to Florida that afternoon, went to the Doctor on Monday to find out that I had a Upper Respiratory Infection. I felt so bad Monday through Wednesday that I went to work around noon and could only stay for a couple of hours before needing to get back in the bed. I rarely get sick, but when I experience the ending of a HUGE wave of stress and my body feels like it can chill... it lets me have it with whatever infection it has been fighting all along.
In the midst of being sick, I thought about packing and I went about the business of trying to schedule 'appointments' with people I wanted to see before leaving Tallahassee. On Tuesday night I got offered an on-campus interview for the position I truly want. I don't know yet that God wants me to have it or where He wants me to be, but I will walk the path He places in front of me. That was pretty great. I was super stoked in addition to being excited beforehand that Pip had invited me out for dessert and I was happy to get the opportunity to see him without staring across a library or coffee table and the presence of a laptop. I enjoyed our talk, but I wish he hadn't still been so stressed. I was chipper and I wanted him to be chipper as well... but that's how I function. My True Color (TM) (personality speaking) is Blue and one of my personal mottoes is "I'm ok if you're ok."... and I am an EXTREME Blue. Harmony focused. I like to rejoice with others, not rejoice while I see them still going through.
Wednesday I finally began to feel better, which was great because I had the rest of my apartment to pack by that night, in addition to palmrolling my hair. I finished packing everything (and Carmen) by around 2:30am. I immediately began my hair, which normally takes me about four4 hours... but took me 1 hour and 45 mins this time in my eagerness to go to sleep. I fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 9am to do the final wrap-up and vacuum the floors. I was out of my apartment by 10:30am at which time I turned in my keys and headed to Ruby Salon to get my eyebrows threaded for the first time, which was awesome. I went next door, got a "Sunny Day" smoothie and moseyed on in to work for my last day. Mi jefe y yo went to lunch, BagelHeads YUM! Then I went shopping for a suit because I was not planning to head home to Augusta before my interview in Atlanta on Tuesday.
After shopping, I went to pif's. She was housing me for my last night in Tallahassee. I sat around for a long time, super duper tired, super excited about that night's outing with Pip (AND about my new dress that I bought for such an important occasion. I <3 dresses.) We went to Cafe Cabernet. I had a bit of a rocky/off start, but warmed up and had a good time. The transition from study partners to just hanging out at Cafe Cab and kicking it was semi awkward for me I guess... not that I didn't want to transition.
Graduation and leaving
Friday morning, day of graduation, I ate lunch with one of my friends and ended up rushing to the graduation ceremony. I wasn't late, but I was late for the time that I was asked to be there lol. Pip and I got there at the same time. I was very flustered, semi-disoriented, just a hot mess. I had done a lot in the past 36 hours and it was getting to me. My pif and another friend came to the graduation as well, but Pip provided me the support I needed. I was kinda freaking out and all over the place and he was the calm I needed. He took my stuff and held it for me as I put on my cap and gown. During the ceremony he was sitting where I could see him, and the faces he made and the smiles were entertainment relief for the ceremony that seemed to drag on, especially since I could not text being that I was FACING EVERYONE in the audience.
After the ceremony I was still a mess, but he stood by my side (and with my stuff) as I said goodbye and took pictures with my select friends and Profs. He bore with me as I hastily ripped off my robe, hood, and cap because I was HOT, fixed me a little plate of refreshments, waited for me to change into my maxi dress that I was driving to Atlanta in. Carried my stuff outside and sat with me while I recharged (or kind of attempted to) and let everything slow down a minute so I could get my head right for the 4.5hr drive. Yes, I needed to get my bearings, but honestly I wanted a moment with him. I knew it was the last time I'd see him for a while. I hate that I had to be such a mess and that I know he was there stressing about his interviews and busy weekend ahead. I didn't want to hold him up, but I also wanted him to be there with me as long as he could. He had slipped a card into my bag, but since I was expecting it to be the card my friend Karen gave me and didn't realize it was from him until I finished reading it the full message and significance of the card did not officially hit me until I read it when I reached Atlanta and I was like whoa, but in pleasantly surprised way.
It was time to go, so he walked me to my car and I drove him to his as I played "Prototype" which I had been jammin to for the past couple of days. I parked and we hugged. I didn't want to let go and drive away. As much as I enjoyed the past two super stressful weeks because they allowed Pip and I to meet, I feel shortchanged... like we didn't get to hang out enough before I had to whisk myself away to GA. The card brought up a lot of sentiments that I also felt, but we didn't get the opportunity to debrief them in person.
On Friday, May 1st I graduated with my Master of Science in Higher Education and Student Affairs from Florida State University. I also moved away from Tallahassee, leaving memories and special people behind.
The blur of the past two weeks...
After a long working weekend, spending a lot of study time with my pip in various locations I birthed my research paper in the wee hours of Sunday, April 19. That was the last assignment for my Directed Individual Study on the American Community College.
I immediately began working on my portion of the paper/presentation for our capstone course, Program Financial Management... but I was able to relax a little bit... so I broke the blog ice (as you may have seen). My group presented our project Thursday night, April 23 and then I was done and DONE with all of my coursework.
All I had left to do was clean out my desk at work, write my self-evaluation... and finish packing up my apartment. Pif and I drove a carload to my parent's house in GA on Friday. She said I looked like I was running away from an abusive husband the way I had what looked like ALL of my belongings stuffed into Carmen (my car). Sunday morning I woke up SICK, drove back to Florida that afternoon, went to the Doctor on Monday to find out that I had a Upper Respiratory Infection. I felt so bad Monday through Wednesday that I went to work around noon and could only stay for a couple of hours before needing to get back in the bed. I rarely get sick, but when I experience the ending of a HUGE wave of stress and my body feels like it can chill... it lets me have it with whatever infection it has been fighting all along.
In the midst of being sick, I thought about packing and I went about the business of trying to schedule 'appointments' with people I wanted to see before leaving Tallahassee. On Tuesday night I got offered an on-campus interview for the position I truly want. I don't know yet that God wants me to have it or where He wants me to be, but I will walk the path He places in front of me. That was pretty great. I was super stoked in addition to being excited beforehand that Pip had invited me out for dessert and I was happy to get the opportunity to see him without staring across a library or coffee table and the presence of a laptop. I enjoyed our talk, but I wish he hadn't still been so stressed. I was chipper and I wanted him to be chipper as well... but that's how I function. My True Color (TM) (personality speaking) is Blue and one of my personal mottoes is "I'm ok if you're ok."... and I am an EXTREME Blue. Harmony focused. I like to rejoice with others, not rejoice while I see them still going through.
Wednesday I finally began to feel better, which was great because I had the rest of my apartment to pack by that night, in addition to palmrolling my hair. I finished packing everything (and Carmen) by around 2:30am. I immediately began my hair, which normally takes me about four4 hours... but took me 1 hour and 45 mins this time in my eagerness to go to sleep. I fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 9am to do the final wrap-up and vacuum the floors. I was out of my apartment by 10:30am at which time I turned in my keys and headed to Ruby Salon to get my eyebrows threaded for the first time, which was awesome. I went next door, got a "Sunny Day" smoothie and moseyed on in to work for my last day. Mi jefe y yo went to lunch, BagelHeads YUM! Then I went shopping for a suit because I was not planning to head home to Augusta before my interview in Atlanta on Tuesday.
After shopping, I went to pif's. She was housing me for my last night in Tallahassee. I sat around for a long time, super duper tired, super excited about that night's outing with Pip (AND about my new dress that I bought for such an important occasion. I <3 dresses.) We went to Cafe Cabernet. I had a bit of a rocky/off start, but warmed up and had a good time. The transition from study partners to just hanging out at Cafe Cab and kicking it was semi awkward for me I guess... not that I didn't want to transition.
Graduation and leaving
Friday morning, day of graduation, I ate lunch with one of my friends and ended up rushing to the graduation ceremony. I wasn't late, but I was late for the time that I was asked to be there lol. Pip and I got there at the same time. I was very flustered, semi-disoriented, just a hot mess. I had done a lot in the past 36 hours and it was getting to me. My pif and another friend came to the graduation as well, but Pip provided me the support I needed. I was kinda freaking out and all over the place and he was the calm I needed. He took my stuff and held it for me as I put on my cap and gown. During the ceremony he was sitting where I could see him, and the faces he made and the smiles were entertainment relief for the ceremony that seemed to drag on, especially since I could not text being that I was FACING EVERYONE in the audience.
After the ceremony I was still a mess, but he stood by my side (and with my stuff) as I said goodbye and took pictures with my select friends and Profs. He bore with me as I hastily ripped off my robe, hood, and cap because I was HOT, fixed me a little plate of refreshments, waited for me to change into my maxi dress that I was driving to Atlanta in. Carried my stuff outside and sat with me while I recharged (or kind of attempted to) and let everything slow down a minute so I could get my head right for the 4.5hr drive. Yes, I needed to get my bearings, but honestly I wanted a moment with him. I knew it was the last time I'd see him for a while. I hate that I had to be such a mess and that I know he was there stressing about his interviews and busy weekend ahead. I didn't want to hold him up, but I also wanted him to be there with me as long as he could. He had slipped a card into my bag, but since I was expecting it to be the card my friend Karen gave me and didn't realize it was from him until I finished reading it the full message and significance of the card did not officially hit me until I read it when I reached Atlanta and I was like whoa, but in pleasantly surprised way.
It was time to go, so he walked me to my car and I drove him to his as I played "Prototype" which I had been jammin to for the past couple of days. I parked and we hugged. I didn't want to let go and drive away. As much as I enjoyed the past two super stressful weeks because they allowed Pip and I to meet, I feel shortchanged... like we didn't get to hang out enough before I had to whisk myself away to GA. The card brought up a lot of sentiments that I also felt, but we didn't get the opportunity to debrief them in person.
Monday, April 20, 2009
day's dream: find my way to love
I'm feeling all flighty and whimsical. I can't begin to explain to you how many tons of worry have been lifted off of my shoulders... even though Jesus tells me to not worry about things. I continue in my hardheadedness, but I am getting better by His grace.
Contrary to my blogs in the earlier years 2003-2005, I RARELY am willing to write when I'm stressed. I guess when I'm feeling overwhelmed, clarity doesn't come. Now that I'm out of the red zone with my final assignments, I have much to synthesize. I have been freed to think about what means the most to me: my relationship with God.
So here it is, I have been full on NEGLECTful of Jesus. I mean, a quick prayer before I set out for a intense school work session, a brief nod of acknowledgment before bedtime, and 911 prayers when I feel like I can't take it anymore... but that has been the extent. Basically toying with his emotions, taking him off the shelf and putting him right back on the shelf. Not abiding in Him as He lives in me.
I spend all this time talking about how people tend to flake and that they don't stick. Have I shown HIM that I stick, that I'm down for the long haul. He has shown me that He's down for the long haul and that He is NOT going to let me go... like for real, it's not a death grip, but the grip of Life. Regardless of whether or not I hold on to life with all that is in me, Life is not going to let me loose.
Well, I'm ready for the fight of my life. Let me tell you, although the last four years (especially the past two), have been nothing like the hell that God allows others to go through to realize His power in their lives, they have been nothing short of a struggle for me. How was I going to keep my head afloat and keep sight of God through it all? I have learned to set my eyes on Him, but my gaze is not strong enough yet.
When I say I'm ready for the fight of my life, I say that knowing that it hasn't fully begun yet. Times have been rough for me inwardly and introspection has left me bewildered and I've listened to the lies of the accuser, which I deal with. However, everything in my spirit right now signals that trouble is ahead. Maybe not big life-threatening trouble, but I'm about have to trust God in a big way, more than I ever have before.
All of my life my identity has been embedded in my family, my personal relationships with other folks (especially significant others) and school (honor roll, dean's list, honor society, graduate school program). My life paradigm is about to shift in a real way, and this is the perfect opportunity for me to LET IT ALL GO, pick up my bible, and spend as much time as I can at the feet of my Lord. Sure, I've finished school (phases I and II anyway) and have shown Him what I THINK I should be doing with my life and what I think I'm passionate about and gifted in... but I'm finally at the point where it's like, Ok Lord, who am I supposed to be. I know that He orders my steps and if I ask Him to, He will begin to reveal to me his purpose for the life that I am designed to lead in him.
I've spent the greater part of my late teens and early 20s continuing to be a merely paused version of my old self; and I have been reluctant to put on my new self in Christ Jesus and to truly live and walk in the redemption that has been given me through His blood. HE SAVED ME... and yet I don't act like it. He's EVERYTHING I've ever desired and yet I harden my heart against Him and drag my feet in seeking Him, even as He pursues me without wavering. I'm not going to be a flake anymore; and I will live like the complete person I was purposed to be IN Christ, relying fully on Him.
Oh how have I missed writing!... anyways I am soooo going to need helping packing up the rest of my apartment. Any takers? My I'm-a-mess-ness has translated into a sort of pandemonium with my remaining belongings. :)
Contrary to my blogs in the earlier years 2003-2005, I RARELY am willing to write when I'm stressed. I guess when I'm feeling overwhelmed, clarity doesn't come. Now that I'm out of the red zone with my final assignments, I have much to synthesize. I have been freed to think about what means the most to me: my relationship with God.
So here it is, I have been full on NEGLECTful of Jesus. I mean, a quick prayer before I set out for a intense school work session, a brief nod of acknowledgment before bedtime, and 911 prayers when I feel like I can't take it anymore... but that has been the extent. Basically toying with his emotions, taking him off the shelf and putting him right back on the shelf. Not abiding in Him as He lives in me.
I spend all this time talking about how people tend to flake and that they don't stick. Have I shown HIM that I stick, that I'm down for the long haul. He has shown me that He's down for the long haul and that He is NOT going to let me go... like for real, it's not a death grip, but the grip of Life. Regardless of whether or not I hold on to life with all that is in me, Life is not going to let me loose.
Well, I'm ready for the fight of my life. Let me tell you, although the last four years (especially the past two), have been nothing like the hell that God allows others to go through to realize His power in their lives, they have been nothing short of a struggle for me. How was I going to keep my head afloat and keep sight of God through it all? I have learned to set my eyes on Him, but my gaze is not strong enough yet.
When I say I'm ready for the fight of my life, I say that knowing that it hasn't fully begun yet. Times have been rough for me inwardly and introspection has left me bewildered and I've listened to the lies of the accuser, which I deal with. However, everything in my spirit right now signals that trouble is ahead. Maybe not big life-threatening trouble, but I'm about have to trust God in a big way, more than I ever have before.
All of my life my identity has been embedded in my family, my personal relationships with other folks (especially significant others) and school (honor roll, dean's list, honor society, graduate school program). My life paradigm is about to shift in a real way, and this is the perfect opportunity for me to LET IT ALL GO, pick up my bible, and spend as much time as I can at the feet of my Lord. Sure, I've finished school (phases I and II anyway) and have shown Him what I THINK I should be doing with my life and what I think I'm passionate about and gifted in... but I'm finally at the point where it's like, Ok Lord, who am I supposed to be. I know that He orders my steps and if I ask Him to, He will begin to reveal to me his purpose for the life that I am designed to lead in him.
I've spent the greater part of my late teens and early 20s continuing to be a merely paused version of my old self; and I have been reluctant to put on my new self in Christ Jesus and to truly live and walk in the redemption that has been given me through His blood. HE SAVED ME... and yet I don't act like it. He's EVERYTHING I've ever desired and yet I harden my heart against Him and drag my feet in seeking Him, even as He pursues me without wavering. I'm not going to be a flake anymore; and I will live like the complete person I was purposed to be IN Christ, relying fully on Him.
Oh how have I missed writing!... anyways I am soooo going to need helping packing up the rest of my apartment. Any takers? My I'm-a-mess-ness has translated into a sort of pandemonium with my remaining belongings. :)
Leaving Tally
I thought they would never come: graduation, the end of this program. Ever since I became overwhelmed with my previous graduate assistantship, I've been counting down the days to the end of it all. I did NOT like Tallahassee, Florida. It was NOT a real city, and most of all, perhaps most sad, I didn't have a sense of community here. Oh, sure I knew people but I didn't have the kind of network I'm used to having... or my family 2hrs down the road.
God gave me a couple of friends to lean on and share feelings and frustrations with, and then at some point during the beginning of the summer he blessed me with the person I affectionately refer to as "pif." It's not important for you to know what that stands for, but she is like the big sister I never had (to fight with... lol). There are people who you instantly mesh with and you KNOW they're going to be apart of your life until one of you dies; that's her. Through my relationship with pif and my conscious efforts to attend church regularly, I began to grow some roots and hate Tallahassee a little less. Found a few spots that I liked. Then, between pif and this guy I liked, I started to think... hmm, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I stayed a year or so longer. Pif is a chem nerd and halfway thru a phd program.
I toyed with the idea of finding a job and staying here, then for a moment things fell apart. I felt like pif let me down (it was something small), the guy (as they seem to do) flaked on our friendship. I can't stand inconsistent people. You're there, or you're not there. While I understand that it's a part of human nature to be inconsistent, there's a difference between flaking out on someone or keeping them guessing as to whether or not you're trying to be a fixture in their lives and making a bold statement, verbally and/or through action, that lets them know, HEY, I'm here to stay (or at least until God sends me packing)... I have your back. The former disgusts me. You shouldn't play with people.
After this wave of rekindled loneliness I was reconciled with the fact that I am supposed to leave. Even if I'm not going to be with my family for long after graduation, it has already been decided that I should go with them once I finish here until God shows me what's next in my life. Since then, pif and I are pif-tight, and I don't talk to the guy anymore (although I initially invited him to my graduation, which was pointless... I guess it was a goodbye gesture. He won't be in attendance anyway, so it works). Being friends with pif gives me the opportunity to love someone other than my family and accept their flaws, even when I might find them downright offensive, so I'm able to see past when she does things that upsets me because that's just how she's wired. Even though we get along really well, we are emotionally wired way differently I think and make meaning of our interactions with the world differently.
So, here and there I've heard people say that they are feeling melancholy about the end of the program, and my boss thinks that I'm going to miss it, here, the program, grad student life. Yesterday at church, I told a couple of people that I speak to that it was my last service. One lady asked me if I was sad; I said, "No. I'm ready to leave." Then I went to my seat and thought about it some more.
"Is it hard to leave somewhere you never actually belonged?" is what I quickly wrote on my notebook before the journal began. It's true. A large part of our program is that we're in a cohort and take most of our core courses with the same people. We are supposed to bond. From day one, I was isolated. Community and sense of belonging is not solely predicated on one's race or ethnicity, but before I knew there was another black girl in the program, I was the ONLY ONE. I felt like a novelty, so different, so misunderstood, so not-like the other people in my program. I began to strongly dislike the vast majority of folks because I could not find my niche.
Over time, basically at the end of the second semester when we went on our practicum trip in May of last year, I was able to see more people close up and get a grasp for who they are. That was cute, I did feel like we bonded a small bit. However, the reality is that for 80% of the people I'm graduating from this program with, I will nod to at conference and then keep it moving. There's no need to be fake. We don't speak (beyond greetings) while we're in the program, let's not pretend like we're "besties" at conference. Plus I hate small talk.
If I could change one thing, as I'm winding down this process, I would have probably given myself a little more post-graduation time to wrap up my time here in Tallahassee. However, what I actually did, in my haste to leave last May when I signed my lease, was to lease until April 30, the day BEFORE graduation. At this point, I have a mostly empty apartment. My mom, dad and sister have moved about 90% of my belongings back home to Georgia, and I'm excited about it. My family is not coming down to graduation, because I'm going to two of my close friends' graduation from my alma mater in Atlanta the following morning, which I deeply feel is way more important... although it would be nice to have mom, dad and sister there to see me graduate and to meet the people who have (positively) shaped my experience here.
But guess what? Pif to the rescue! She and her mom will be at my graduation, so I will have a family support there. I'm excited about that. I will graduate, and I will be in the pictures and say goodbye to the folks who have mattered... then I will bid Tallahassee adieu, wrapping up my time here as a resident and I'll be shocked if I cry (even though I AM a cryer).
Oh, what sucks is that after chit chatting via various social networking venues, I JUST met someone really cool, a.k.a my Pip.... which you also don't need the definition for (nothing to do with pimp or Gladys Knight though). We've spent a lot of library/cafe hours together on the grind to complete our final assignments (he's graduating from his program too). I wish I had met him sooner. When you leave a place, it feels like the rug is being pulled up from under your feet.
This is probably all I will say about leaving Tally until I'm back in Georgia for good.
God gave me a couple of friends to lean on and share feelings and frustrations with, and then at some point during the beginning of the summer he blessed me with the person I affectionately refer to as "pif." It's not important for you to know what that stands for, but she is like the big sister I never had (to fight with... lol). There are people who you instantly mesh with and you KNOW they're going to be apart of your life until one of you dies; that's her. Through my relationship with pif and my conscious efforts to attend church regularly, I began to grow some roots and hate Tallahassee a little less. Found a few spots that I liked. Then, between pif and this guy I liked, I started to think... hmm, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I stayed a year or so longer. Pif is a chem nerd and halfway thru a phd program.
I toyed with the idea of finding a job and staying here, then for a moment things fell apart. I felt like pif let me down (it was something small), the guy (as they seem to do) flaked on our friendship. I can't stand inconsistent people. You're there, or you're not there. While I understand that it's a part of human nature to be inconsistent, there's a difference between flaking out on someone or keeping them guessing as to whether or not you're trying to be a fixture in their lives and making a bold statement, verbally and/or through action, that lets them know, HEY, I'm here to stay (or at least until God sends me packing)... I have your back. The former disgusts me. You shouldn't play with people.
After this wave of rekindled loneliness I was reconciled with the fact that I am supposed to leave. Even if I'm not going to be with my family for long after graduation, it has already been decided that I should go with them once I finish here until God shows me what's next in my life. Since then, pif and I are pif-tight, and I don't talk to the guy anymore (although I initially invited him to my graduation, which was pointless... I guess it was a goodbye gesture. He won't be in attendance anyway, so it works). Being friends with pif gives me the opportunity to love someone other than my family and accept their flaws, even when I might find them downright offensive, so I'm able to see past when she does things that upsets me because that's just how she's wired. Even though we get along really well, we are emotionally wired way differently I think and make meaning of our interactions with the world differently.
So, here and there I've heard people say that they are feeling melancholy about the end of the program, and my boss thinks that I'm going to miss it, here, the program, grad student life. Yesterday at church, I told a couple of people that I speak to that it was my last service. One lady asked me if I was sad; I said, "No. I'm ready to leave." Then I went to my seat and thought about it some more.
"Is it hard to leave somewhere you never actually belonged?" is what I quickly wrote on my notebook before the journal began. It's true. A large part of our program is that we're in a cohort and take most of our core courses with the same people. We are supposed to bond. From day one, I was isolated. Community and sense of belonging is not solely predicated on one's race or ethnicity, but before I knew there was another black girl in the program, I was the ONLY ONE. I felt like a novelty, so different, so misunderstood, so not-like the other people in my program. I began to strongly dislike the vast majority of folks because I could not find my niche.
Over time, basically at the end of the second semester when we went on our practicum trip in May of last year, I was able to see more people close up and get a grasp for who they are. That was cute, I did feel like we bonded a small bit. However, the reality is that for 80% of the people I'm graduating from this program with, I will nod to at conference and then keep it moving. There's no need to be fake. We don't speak (beyond greetings) while we're in the program, let's not pretend like we're "besties" at conference. Plus I hate small talk.
If I could change one thing, as I'm winding down this process, I would have probably given myself a little more post-graduation time to wrap up my time here in Tallahassee. However, what I actually did, in my haste to leave last May when I signed my lease, was to lease until April 30, the day BEFORE graduation. At this point, I have a mostly empty apartment. My mom, dad and sister have moved about 90% of my belongings back home to Georgia, and I'm excited about it. My family is not coming down to graduation, because I'm going to two of my close friends' graduation from my alma mater in Atlanta the following morning, which I deeply feel is way more important... although it would be nice to have mom, dad and sister there to see me graduate and to meet the people who have (positively) shaped my experience here.
But guess what? Pif to the rescue! She and her mom will be at my graduation, so I will have a family support there. I'm excited about that. I will graduate, and I will be in the pictures and say goodbye to the folks who have mattered... then I will bid Tallahassee adieu, wrapping up my time here as a resident and I'll be shocked if I cry (even though I AM a cryer).
Oh, what sucks is that after chit chatting via various social networking venues, I JUST met someone really cool, a.k.a my Pip.... which you also don't need the definition for (nothing to do with pimp or Gladys Knight though). We've spent a lot of library/cafe hours together on the grind to complete our final assignments (he's graduating from his program too). I wish I had met him sooner. When you leave a place, it feels like the rug is being pulled up from under your feet.
This is probably all I will say about leaving Tally until I'm back in Georgia for good.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
So why don't you just tell him how you feel?
As I have referenced, more than one friend has asked me why I do not simply express myself to the guy that I like (think is the most awesomest ever). I've addressed the question before, but now as I continually grow closer to God, the reply has expanded.
Today I told my friend that I'm not going to pursue him and attempt to override or speed up what God may or may not be doing. I have a LONG history of stepping out of line and trying to make things work that aren't supposed to happen or that need to happen in their own time. The right man will pursue my heart as Jesus has, undeniably and relentlessly so. There will be no guess work. If I have to initiate it all, then he's not that guy.
Essentially, I am relying on God to STAY IN MY LANE, which I have a difficult time doing.
Can something be cloudy and bright at the same time?? Well, it seems that my future is. I know that God is going to use me somehow and that it will be great, but I am so unclear as to how that is. All I know how to do right now is to continue and pray for clarity and put one foot in front of the other in this job search. I know what I came to this Masters program to do, so I'm applying for those positions as they come available, but what if there is something else that God has for me?? I ask him to cue me into His vision for my life. "All I need is a peek right now, Lord" I say... but I don't feel like I've seen it yet. I just hope that I'm doing what He wants me to be doing.
And oh, I have found the International House of Prayer (www.ihoptallahassee.org). I heard about it when I first moved here in 2007, but my heart was in netherland and I wasn't ready. But now, I mean it's great. If I could be there all the time, I would be... but I've been going once a week. Starting with this week, I'm going to expand to twice a week. It's just great. A great place to feel God's presence, to be around strong people who have devoted their lives to God and to hear awesome music! It's really beautiful. I find it super sad that I'm finally making connections in Tallahassee but it seems that my moving away is set. I've enjoyed volunteering and helping out at my church. Sigh...
I think I'm happy though....or slowly getting there. I haven't felt this free in years... or ever.
Today I told my friend that I'm not going to pursue him and attempt to override or speed up what God may or may not be doing. I have a LONG history of stepping out of line and trying to make things work that aren't supposed to happen or that need to happen in their own time. The right man will pursue my heart as Jesus has, undeniably and relentlessly so. There will be no guess work. If I have to initiate it all, then he's not that guy.
Essentially, I am relying on God to STAY IN MY LANE, which I have a difficult time doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I wanted to address the guy thing, but let me tell you about what God is doing in my life. I recently decided not to go to the Guatemala mission trip because I didn't feel like I was preparing in the right way. It all seemed hasty. Really, it feels like He is telling me to allow Him to show me what He can do in my life right now... like without sending me to another country. He is showing me that His power is not constrained by geographical location. He can do major transformation and shift my entire life paradigm without me even leaving my apartment if He felt so inclined!Can something be cloudy and bright at the same time?? Well, it seems that my future is. I know that God is going to use me somehow and that it will be great, but I am so unclear as to how that is. All I know how to do right now is to continue and pray for clarity and put one foot in front of the other in this job search. I know what I came to this Masters program to do, so I'm applying for those positions as they come available, but what if there is something else that God has for me?? I ask him to cue me into His vision for my life. "All I need is a peek right now, Lord" I say... but I don't feel like I've seen it yet. I just hope that I'm doing what He wants me to be doing.
And oh, I have found the International House of Prayer (www.ihoptallahassee.org). I heard about it when I first moved here in 2007, but my heart was in netherland and I wasn't ready. But now, I mean it's great. If I could be there all the time, I would be... but I've been going once a week. Starting with this week, I'm going to expand to twice a week. It's just great. A great place to feel God's presence, to be around strong people who have devoted their lives to God and to hear awesome music! It's really beautiful. I find it super sad that I'm finally making connections in Tallahassee but it seems that my moving away is set. I've enjoyed volunteering and helping out at my church. Sigh...
I think I'm happy though....or slowly getting there. I haven't felt this free in years... or ever.
Monday, February 9, 2009
from my head and into this blog...
You won't want to miss it as God continues to mold me and extract me for His purpose. See, I will become who I am meant to be, and that person with her infectious love for and devotion to God will be irresistible and relentlessly inspiring; her life poured out for others as God uses her for greatness.
anticlimactic
I don't want to leave without getting to know you better, and if doing so makes me miss you more than I would otherwise... So be it. Carpe diem. I won't let temporal constraints sway me from the ounce of certainty that I have...and perhaps it will strike you too. Because I do not know where I will be in a few months, it may be grounds to hold me at arms length...perhaps to not hold me at all. However, for that reason I am all the more determined. Where God deploys me to next is a great mystery to me on which I have no leads... This moment could be a rare window in time, laden with possibility. Why run from that? I say run towards it. God is fully in control.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
214
i wish i had someone to be cliche with on feb 14th...or to choose to not be cliche with. i suppose that had i not inadvertently began to like someone that none of this relationship mumbo jumbo would be be on my brain as much as it is in this moment. also i am confused...but i guess it's best to assume friendship than assume that someone might like you.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
patience
it's like a 4-letter word to me... Who needs it? In reality to not have patience is to settle for less than God's best, for rocks instead of bread. Patience insures that we do not step ahead of what God is doing in our lives and minimizes foolishness.
summit
The Summit went super well. God clearly blessed it beyond what I thought it would be like. Then I changed clothes at home and went to the RedEye. On my way there I began to realize that I was super tired...began to think I shouldn't be driving. I was ok though, decided to press on so I could get this work done. Then my laptop wouldn't connect to the server... I got very upset after tryin for 30mins and came home. Then I was really sad and cried about everything, mostly how uncertain I am about my future and how hopeless I feel. I try to remind myself that God IS certain.
Friday, January 30, 2009
it would be nice
...if i didn't care (read: feel hurt) when I contact people and don't get a response. ...if I could get some sleep before my event in a few hours. ...if I saw more non-black guys dating black women. I see plenty of black guys (saw three tonight) out with non-black (tonight they were all white) women. What about me? Why is my race/ethnicity coded as a dating liability for SO many men?? The odds are piled high against me. I must wait for Him.
resignation and loneliness
I am no longer writing on here about the guy. He's not a significant part of my life right now. I shouldn't waste thoughts, action or words. More importantly, I shouldn't get excited about anyone except for Jesus, especially now. I'm being stupid. I'm going to stop. This is the last sentence about him. So... this blog is about my life, and what's going on from the deeper side of things (at least that is the hope)... I guess it's about what God is doing with me in Tallhassee... ironically as I have ONE foot out of Florida. It's kind of sad actually. Two years is too short a time to be anywhere. I <3 my pif and my church (that I'm finally serving at) . I almost don't want to leave but I haven't seen any jobs and I want to be back near my family. When I had cable and internet in my apt, it made me forget how lonely I was... But now that I have neither, I'm confronted with silence and everything I wanted to ignore by focusing my attention on 'entertainment' and other people. It makes me want to cry; but God.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
almuerzo
I had lunch yesterday with the guy. He texted me as I arrived to work in the morning and I was pleasantly shocked, irrationaly so I must admit... But whatev. It was just lunch no one paid for the other person or anything... No staring intently into each other's eyes while whispering sweet nothings. Just an extra regular lunch. In fact, as we sat there face to face in the booth... pretty much all of the mystique that had previously surrounded him dissipated...leaving me with just a guy.
I won't be quick to say oh he's whatever to me, but the smoke is cleared now and I realize the err of my fantastical thinking. I don't know this dude. How can he be ANYTHING to me... esp someone special or noteworthy.
I still like him though, and I don't want to play the game or anything... it's just that if I'm feeding someone who hasn't reciprocated at all and they're a guy and we aren't close then I'm being boo boo the fool. If he hasn't been established in reality and proclaimed as mine... I must hold back.
I won't be quick to say oh he's whatever to me, but the smoke is cleared now and I realize the err of my fantastical thinking. I don't know this dude. How can he be ANYTHING to me... esp someone special or noteworthy.
I still like him though, and I don't want to play the game or anything... it's just that if I'm feeding someone who hasn't reciprocated at all and they're a guy and we aren't close then I'm being boo boo the fool. If he hasn't been established in reality and proclaimed as mine... I must hold back.
Monday, January 26, 2009
no foolishness in '09
... that especially includes chasing after guys. I thank God for maturity that he has given me and for some of the wisdom he has given me and some of those around me... also for the ability to be discerning (sometimes) when it comes to receiving advice from my friends. I told one of my friends that I had let the guy situation go, and she was like, "You should ask him if he likes you?" I was like "Umm, no... I'm not pursuing him." Then she went into "that's where you and I differ...etc, etc, blah blah." Story short, I was like no. If a man, truly a man, see's something/someone he wants then he will pursue. If he needs more help than I've already probably given inadvertently... he's either not interested enough or not man enough. I can be ok with that.
Yesterday at church the guy doing announcements was like, what holiday is in February? I was baffled... oh, Valentine's Day... yeah, about that.... not a holiday for me. It's great that y'all are planning an event for the married couples with children though. It's not that I want a Valentine, persay. I just wish there wasn't a holiday dedicated to: either the cliched wasting of money because hallmark and retail companies say so (even though you probably do love the person you're with) or reminding you, making you ever aware (singles awareness day) that you don't have someone to decide not to celebrate Valentine's day with... lol. One would think that it would be "business as usual" for me at this point though. At least this year I don't have to go to work on that day. I can lock myself in my apartment, wear PJs all day... stock up on my favorite ice cream and godiva... and be my funloving anti-social self. Maybe that will be the day I begin to watch the complete season of Powerpuff Girls that I ordered. I could try cooking a great meal for one again, without wasting food. I could spend that weekend out of town, but seeing as how I will be going to N.O. to visit my fam the FOLLOWING weekend, that wouldn't be the best use of resources....
...but why is this message about valentine's day? I guess I'm trying to get all my thoughts about it out of my system.
This energy would be better devoted to figuring out how I can honor God on that day rather than waddling around my house alone eating myself into oblivion. I feel like the Lil Mermaid after she had a big fight with her dad about visiting the human world,
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
"Part of Your World" ~The Little Mermaid
Full lyrics (link: http://www.imeem.com/people/ffmJBxZ/music/ZernQ0Vo/disney_little_mermaidpart_of_your_world/ ):
ARIEL
(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)
Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!
Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand
And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
Yesterday at church the guy doing announcements was like, what holiday is in February? I was baffled... oh, Valentine's Day... yeah, about that.... not a holiday for me. It's great that y'all are planning an event for the married couples with children though. It's not that I want a Valentine, persay. I just wish there wasn't a holiday dedicated to: either the cliched wasting of money because hallmark and retail companies say so (even though you probably do love the person you're with) or reminding you, making you ever aware (singles awareness day) that you don't have someone to decide not to celebrate Valentine's day with... lol. One would think that it would be "business as usual" for me at this point though. At least this year I don't have to go to work on that day. I can lock myself in my apartment, wear PJs all day... stock up on my favorite ice cream and godiva... and be my funloving anti-social self. Maybe that will be the day I begin to watch the complete season of Powerpuff Girls that I ordered. I could try cooking a great meal for one again, without wasting food. I could spend that weekend out of town, but seeing as how I will be going to N.O. to visit my fam the FOLLOWING weekend, that wouldn't be the best use of resources....
...but why is this message about valentine's day? I guess I'm trying to get all my thoughts about it out of my system.
This energy would be better devoted to figuring out how I can honor God on that day rather than waddling around my house alone eating myself into oblivion. I feel like the Lil Mermaid after she had a big fight with her dad about visiting the human world,
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
"Part of Your World" ~The Little Mermaid
Full lyrics (link: http://www.imeem.com/peopl
ARIEL
(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)
Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!
Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand
And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world
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