Wanderland

As some of you may have noticed, I haven't written one of these things in a while. Well, that's largely because I don't usually feel like writing when I'm not happy with how things are unfolding (or not unfolding) in my life or if I'm just plain sad or frustrated for whatever reason. In stead of whining on here about these things, I've battered twitter with laments (that I often delete soon after) or just hold it in or share with close relatives or friends.

As of today, I've been unemployed for exactly THREE months and ONE day. Yes, now that three months have passed, I've decided to quantify it. Sadly it's just been a series of closing--no--SLAMMING doors, one after the other after the other. I know I'm qualified, and while I may make mistakes in interviews, I am convinced that there is an overlying spiritual factor in why I am still unemployed. That's very frustrating because it's like, what can I do if GOD doesn't seem to want me to have a job yet.

Unemployment, when I wasn't running out of my financial reserves, however, was cool. I've traveled quite a bit this summer... to Atlanta a few times, up to VA a couple of times, to Gatlinburg TN to hang out in the smokey mountains, to Destin, FL for a week with the family, and soon to Batesville, MS for a family reunion. If you know me, then you understand that I LOVE to travel. I like racking up miles. So yeah, that part of my summer was kinda glamourous. In my traveling I was in a wedding for some dear friends, soaked in some sun rays, rode some waves, saw loved ones and good friends. Despite the whole "I don't have a job" uncertainty dimension, it's been a dang good summer. I haven't spent much time at my parents' house in Augusta, GA... well not really when compared to the rest of the time.

On the downside, I went to on-campus interviews for two separate positions/departments at the same institution and got turned down for both. One department was SO trifling that after I COMPLETELY came out of pocket traveling to the interview, they didn't even contact me to let me know the position was filled or whatever. I may have mentioned that in a blog though... been so long I can't remember. I know that I wouldn't run my business like that though. Enough of that, the latter interview, in retrospect I realize that I wasn't ready for. Other than that I've had a few phone interviews, one in person interview. I decided that I wasn't trying to be near my family in GA (hence, searching in Atlanta, Charlotte and surrounding areas), I really wanted to be near my 2nd hometown, Norfolk, VA... part of the seven cities/ Hampton Roads area.

That's where I am now, staying with grandparents and searching aimlessly (feels like) for a position, part-time or full-time, that will allow me to use my skills and passions. Problem: I think I've lost sight of what I'm passionate about. I love to write, but it seems like all other sense of passion has all but curled up and DIED. This adds to my franticness in searching because I'm REALLY losing direction now. I only have bits and pieces like... um, I want to work with people, I LOVE helping people. I write well, I'm good at encouraging and advising, and connecting with people. Please hire me.... um, no.

At the beginning of last week I signed up to work for a temp agency. I just KNEW I'd be placed at at least ONE assignment by now.... but no. My mom told me to look at other temp agencies. I will, because I need income in order to continue existing here in VA. This whole figure-out-what-to-start-doing-in-life search is sucking more and MORE by the day. Meanwhile, I've created more 'drama' for myself. As if not having a job or a true home or independence anymore wasn't enough... I all but professed my love (or what I THOUGHT could be love) for a long-time childhood friend.

Can we say crash and BURN? I learned that twitter is a major vice of mine when I choose to treat it like a stream of consciousness. NO ONE but God should know most of what I'm thinking, especially not when it's about someone I have strong feelings for. The guy doesn't have to (or need to or want to know) what all (or half of what) is going on in my crazy head. The job search has been taxing, but I feel quite idle... and they say idle hands are the devil's playground... indeed. Seems that he's used my idleness to further help me jack up my currently not-so-super life. Thankssss. Totally shot myself in the foot, but I guess it's better to no what's up (and what's not up) than to continue on thinking a certain way (spoken or unspoken) and being a fool. I feel fool enough with my life in shambles without adding the unnecessary further emotional dimension of romantic love. SHEESH.

What was I thinking? I know, I was thinking carpe diem! You only live once, but I didn't realize what I was tinkering with. I wish I could take it all back honestly, not that I didn't mean it... because I did. It's just that there is a time and place for everything, a season... and I failed to be patient and recognize that "not now." Even tho a part of me still feels very much now-or-never about it... but perhaps never is the only answer. That's what I get for trying to do my OWN rendition of a life plan and leaving God out of it. I could kick myself a thousand times for my behavior. I was very very hurt when he came to me on Saturday like "whoooooaaaaaa, I can't do this." Very sad, felt weird... life is certainly AGAINST me right now. Everything else seemed to be in opposition to me, and now this.

GREAT, I thought. Ok God... when are things going to start actually appearing to work out in my favor? I know that I must trust that they are, but they appear to be going STRAIGHT to crap, and quickly. So I've been praying, asking God for direction, a definite path. I went to my church here in VA on Saturday evening (www.vineyardchurch.com) and wouldn't you know the sermon was about finding your dream... like conferring with God and really spending time alone with him to figure out what your purpose is and getting a vision for your life from Him. Right on time, I thought. I wrote copious notes and considered the value in spending more intentional quiet time with God in addition to the normal, here and there prayer. I felt better, but still kinda battered.

This endless searching with no results has taken a serious toll on me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because I feel like I'll just be doing the SAME stuff with no results. Just over and over and over again. My dreams (while asleep, for clarity) are thousands of times better than my life has been for the past few years, especially the past few months. It sucks to be merely existing. I wonder, what's my purpose? I feel so useless now. No one wants me, no one seems to want me to work for them. I have skills and experience. I'm sweet... at least that's what I thought. I'm tired of dangling. It's depressing. I'd just rather stay in bed... and if I'm in bed, why bother eating more than a bite or two? I'm not doing anything.... just a waste of energy and space.

Feeling this way, I know this cannot POSSIBLY be God's best, but how do I break the holding pattern? I've lost the ability to see ahead of me. I honestly don't know WHAT to do. Then my mom calls me, like 'Hey, have you called your older cousin? Well, you need to call her. I've been praying for you a lot with your situation and VA really is a dead end for you right now. She has this big even that she's planning for the company (major computer company) she works for that you should help her with, maybe as an intern.' Then I started to cry, because I REALLY wanted to stay in VA. I like it here. Why can't VA work out? Probably for the same reason that ATL and Charlotte were dead ends in MY search: God is in control. My little plans for my life are NO match for the big plans that He has for the life He's given ME to live.

I've gone with the flow pretty well this summer, flowing past and around all of the closing doors... enjoying opportunities to get out of town. When I came up to VA, even though I packed MOST of my stuff, (like EVERYTHING I need to stay some place for MONTHS as long as the weather doesn't change) I figured it could end up NOT being a permanent move. I suppose my goal was to get out of GA and be somewhere that I wouldn't mind being with people that I like to be around... and where I had space. I have PLENTY of space at my grandparents house. They treat me a little more like I'm 25 than do my parents, so I appreciate being here. But yeah, I knew that I could end up being summoned to another place and that's why I have so much of my stuff. I'm on the go, ready for whatever.

Why not? I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I just hope that tomorrow brings a reason to get out of bed.... because, frankly, I've lost the reason. I had sunk to that point at home in GA, so it was time to get out of there... but now I suppose, that only after a week, it may be time to leave my beloved VA as well. I'm ready to declare, that as of today, I am done with my VA job search. I'll respond to correspondence for applications that I've already put out there, but no more of this frantic searching here.

The best thing I can do with the rest of my time here is use it to serve and help out. I'm going to contact the People in Need (PIN) ministry at my church tomorrow to see how I can help out there, otherwise I will talk to my family and see how I can help out with fixing up my great grandmother's house or assist with the family business. Even though I'm not searching, there will be no reason to just be lying around the house or in the bed. Maybe I'll take care of my friend's baby boy if she needs me to, just however I can be of service.

One thing that has gone drastically awry this summer is that I meant to help others but I very quickly got sucked into my desire, perceived need to get a job and OUT of my parents' house ASAP. I mean I spent all that extra time in school getting a Masters degree for crying out loud, I thought. But I have since learned that all of that means NOTHING, if I'm not sensitive to what God wants me to do, and how can I know that if I don't ask him and LISTEN for the reply instead of yelling at him what I want or making waves where they shouldn't be by barking up inappropriate 'trees'?

I am ashamed at how much I have focused on myself these past few months.... like effortlessly. The least I could have done while staying in my parents' house (when I wasn't out of town) was to cook the meal every evening. I cooked once or twice and I did offer after the first 2 months to start cooking the meal once I got back in town (from VA the first time). It never materialized and I wasn't around long enough anyway to make it a solid thing.... just shameful. Enough beating myself up though, I'm human.

For now there is much praying and serving and visiting and packing to be done. MUCH prayer indeed, I need more clarity even though He's given me answers, QUICK answers today. There is still one thing that I'm struggling with a lot internally, that I need to make peace with and let go. Perhaps in letting go, God will free my spirit in such a way foster an edifying relationship between us both... since we are going through the same thing in a lot of ways. Maybe we are meant to share with each other what God has been revealing to us.

I dunno, but God does. I've said enough. I hope that anyone who read this was able to get something useful out of it and that it just wasn't a waste of words that helped me.