HuSh

For any GT people... does anyone know where I can get a job on campus for next semester (or maybe ASAP)? I'm looking for one that pays about $7 or $8 per hour. I'm REALLY looking for one. I need to work less and still make the same because I believe I work too much right now.

Well well well...
Saturday night (and much of Sunday) morning was interesting to say the least. I went to Club Hush with tha girls. Let me tell you it was definitely 21 and up...emphasis on the "and up". I felt like I was too young to be there. My outfit was interesting. We should have taken some "before" pictures... not that our outfits changed during the night. We had our picture taken there, so maybe we'll get a copy of that one. I think we took like 2 or 3. But yeah, things were more interesting after we left, at least on my end of the whole adventure. I was building memories... naw, I definitely didn't get drunk. I don't like to not remember what's going on.

But anyways, I'm bout to go to class.
Posted on 10.31.2005 at 11:31 AM

after hush

wow God, I have soooo far to go, but you've really brought me a long way... as evidenced in the most recent events of tonight. You really stepped in on that one(as always). I couldn't quite forget you and go for what I wanted in that particular situation. You kept reinforcing me like you needed to. I thank You for that Lord. You know what's best for me and I choose to trust you.
Posted on 10.30.2005 at 6:06 AM

Friday Night

I think I've been having a little bit of a loner week. I mean I have wanted to be around people, but at the same time I'm like whatever. Destinations is tonight. I didn't really invite anyone to go with me this time. Is it wrong to just want to go by myself this time. Yes, It's also selfish, but I'm not going to lie about how I feel about it. After class gets out at three I may potentially drive up i-75 and hang out, read or shop(i have no money, so it would be window shopping) alone. I'll have fun too. It's nice to not be completely subject to what other people prefer or to have to be ready or leave when they are ready. Maybe I can get used to being single, but it's not the girlfriendness that i miss, it's the person. But I'm hungry and bout to eat, sooo... peace.
Posted on 10.28.2005 at 1:22 PM

Despite that fact that I still don't know what I'm going to write or say on my French Revolution test and I have yet to study for my Ethics quiz and will have no time to do so tomorrow (which means I have to stay up), I'm feeling really good right now. No, I'm not on any drugs or anything. I'm just seeing things in perspective. I need to do my best in school, but it's really not do or die if I don't ace these two tests tomorrow. Although where I am is really not where I want to be... at least I'm somewhere and I knoew that God is working with me. I am not cooperating like I should, but he has not halted His good work, and I know that His amazing plan will continue to be worked out in my life. I can look back now on a lot that He has carried me through and also at the person I was and how I used to think. I'm like wow, victory. I've never experienced Victory like this, but I am assured that there are more to come.
Posted on 10.26.2005 at 2:44 AM

it's Him. (it's not even about me)

I'm really just me,
Trying to become who God means
for me to be.

So please don't put me on your worldly pedestal.
Anything that is good in me comes from Him
It will always be that way.

So I say 'thank you'
with a blush and a smile,
but all the while
It's really making me uncomfortable.

Compliments are sweet,
but please give credit only where credit is due.

Praise my GOD above.


[in case you were wondering (not like it's good or anything), I wrote it]
Posted on 10.24.2005 at 11:28 PM

Enjoy the Silence...

(this is stuck in my head)

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

-excerpt from Depeche Mode

Umm, pray for a sista because clearly I have 50 pages to read, a test at 3 and work and classes in between... thereby making it impossible for me to actually get through all of the information, sooooo yeah please pray for me. Right now I'm trying to get my prof to let me take the make-up on Wednesday instead of today. I hope he won't be salty that I asked him.
Posted on 10.24.2005 at 9:32 AM

Confession... [I dare me to move]

I need to say a little something here. While I may feel as though a lot of the people around me that I care about are currently not making the best decisions in life, I'm making highly unwise spiritual decisions... or maybe they are spiritual undecisions. I can't explain that so I won't try. I'm just a sitting duck anticipating disaster even though it feels like it's been here since the end of June.

an bible excerpt:: James 1 1:19-27

"Listening and Doing "

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

(I highlighted the [bold](verses 22-25) because it points to me...)


Posted on 10.23.2005 at 12:27 AM

now i lay me down to sleep...

About my week home..
Every time i go out of town, which is usually to a home-like place or with family, I extend my already messed up sleeping schedule even more by staying up super late... like tonight(this morning). I guess it's my mind's way of making the most out of being in the environment and asserting the fact that I don't have to wake up to an alarm. I feel better about things now that I've taken some time at home, but I can't say that my motivation has really been revived. I honestly just want to stay home. I've considered taking a year off from school before starting a graduate program, but I definitely don't think that would be wise. I'm not interested in being idle either... and as much as I love home, I am not trying to actually LIVE here anymore. I would become bored eventually with being home all the time and then I'd realize that I have no friends here and then I would become unhappy... all of the magic of visiting home would be lost, so that's definitely not going to be the plan. I think I was pretty productive this week because I turned in the assignments I was supposed to turn in... unfortunately though I have madd reading to do for my history class(test monday), ab psych(test tuesday) and ethics class(test wednesday). The only one I'm nervous about is the history test because I certainly can't afford to fail it... which is what I managed to do on the previous test in there. I'm going to lift the whole situation up in prayer and trust God to help me do what I have to do. I want A's on everything. I am so anxious to get up outta Tech and so tired of being tired all the time that I am willing to settle for B's. I'm tired of settling. I need to get back to where I strive for 100's. I really wish this week could have been longer though. I think if I hadn't had actual assignments due I would have gotten more of my background work done... like the reading. I had to turn in a project proposal that I worked on ALL DAY Tuesday and then a paper due yesterday that I worked on ALL of Wednesday even and Thursday into the wee hours of Friday morning to get it done. Today after all that and between my mom's surgery it was like, ok. I need to chill... plus my whole family was home. Everyone hasn't been home all week... just mommy for like 2 days, which is good because I was able to get work done. I was a lot more productive here than at school, which makes me think I could do an online degree program. It seems like everyone in my family is on some kind of schedule. Their lives aren't erratic like mine when I live at school. I guess that's one thing I miss about home: stability. Living on campus it seems almost pointless to try and create a routine because it routinely gets thrown off by something.... and then with my inability to sleep when I need to be sleeping I can't get into the groove of early gym hours and steady work all day. It's like a self-defeating cycle and I am not sure what I can do about that, but I will continue to try waking up early and working myself to death during the day so that I can start sleeping at night.

Ms. Tina's Love Language...
It's been really cool learning about my love languages and just how to choose to love people. The book by Gary Chapman got me thinking about the love languages of the people around me that I consider friends... I'm trying to guess at what their love languages are so that I can be a better friend. It does help when we speak the same love language. I think my best friend's mom's love language (and possibly my best friend's too) is gift giving/receiving. I say this because in the 6 years or so that I've known her she's usually been one to randomly pick up little things, little tokens of "I was thinking about you" for people. Actually tonight she gave me a necklace with a pendant that had the Kanji symbol for "Love" and before that ( a long time ago) she knew that my parents had given me a charm bracelet for like Christmas or for a birthday or just because I wanted one and she just picked up a charm for me (it was the Kanji symbol for happiness) and she just gave it to me outta the blue. So yes, I definitely think that one of her love languages is at least Gifts (either that or she figured mine out).


Still not ready...
I'm actually amazed at how not anxious I am to get back to ATL. One would think that I was over here missing the social opportunities but I REALLY don't care and I'm triying to figure out what I have to look forward to besides graduating. Nowadays it seems like I only talk to my friends online or on the phone anyway, so I can do that from home :) Unless I skip a class, I don't even run into folk around campus. That's really bad because I do end up skipping class.



Fake friend? This REALLY irks the CRAP outta me [SALTY]...
I may be too sensitive to this, but I can't stand when people I think are my friends are talking to me on AIM and then they like don't respond when it's their turn and they never eventually say "my bad" or anything... or if they just sign off without saying bye and they do it often and it's really not about computer or internet issues. Isn't that against some kind of AIM etiquette. Call me extremist, but I really question a person's friendship when they repeatedly do things like that. It's almost like seeing me on the street and looking me dead in the face and not speaking. I mean, I take it the same way. Also, I'm sick of people who say they will call you (or call you back) and they NEVER do and they don't think to apologize. I mean absentmindedness is an acceptable excuse. We all get busy with other things because we have lives, but whatever happened to concern or consideration of the other person in retrospect. It's not that I need you to call me, but I don't need you to repeatedly go against your word. It's not like I asked you to call me or anything. Actions speak louder than words so if you tell me you're going to do something and you don't it irks me more than if you had never bothered to say you would. So if you do treat me like that please try to be a little more conscious of what you say you're going to do but don't intend to... or if you know you pathologically don't do what you say then don't say anything to me. That's probably one of the things that makes me the saltiest. If this paragraph describes how you act (or act towards me) I have already taken note of your consistent inconsistency (unless it's beneficial to YOU to follow through) and I act accordingly... but I'm having a hard time considering you as one of my friends, because all I'm reading is your disregard. Since true friends don't act like that, you gotta be a fake... or maybe you're oblivious. Well, now you know.

To avoid confusion or unnecessarily hurt feelings, here's a disclaimer:
In case you feel like I could be talking about you but you're thinking "We go way back and there is no way she could question our friendship." ... Here's who I'm certainly NOT referring to in the previous paragraph: CDP, CRW, FMJ, VJB, LVS, and SDG.
Posted on 10.22.2005 at 3:51 AM

a great song

(I should still be writing, but I had to post this song. Ciao.)

"I'll Be"
by Edwin McCain


The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus:
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I fought my way back from
the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

Chorus

Chorus

The greatest fan of your life.

Posted on 10.20.2005 at 4:48 PM

missing

I've been thinking a lot about things since I've been home, and I realize part of why my life is so weird now. I'm at a serious loss for intimacy. You may have picked up on it in my previous journals, but I'm just now able to pinpoint it. When I say intimacy, I don't necessarily mean physical intimacy. I mean emotional intimacy. I don't no how I survive really, well I do but it seems like I should be outta my mind. I have learned to survive on less than 3 hugs a week. That's extremely sad, pathetic almost. I'm left without someone tangible to whom I can tell what's going on in my head and in my heart and listen to the same for them... someone who looks at me and really sees me and can tell me about myself because they (unlike most people) know who I am and how I think and what I really go through (not just the easyjournal version or the brief passing on Skiles Walkway version). I don't know how much longer I can survive like this... with that large piece of my life missing...
Posted on 10.20.2005 at 1:31 AM

sex and the city

I've been watchin Sex and the City all night so bear with me as I say this...

Why is it that ex boyfriends must continue to exist after you break up with them, like you need to maintain the emotional attachment or something? Gosh, life seems so unfair sometimes. Of course I don't want him to go away, like ever. I just wish this could be a whole lot easier cuz I miss him and he's intangible and probably will be forever.

Yesterday would have been our 2 year... I had to address it somehow. I'm sorry...
Posted on 10.19.2005 at 2:08 AM

my love language...

Some wonderfully sweet thoughtful person that I care about very much sent my parents a book called The Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman). I've been reading it since I've been home. It's about the different ways to love a person and what people perceive as acts of love. The five languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. They pretty much speak for themselves, although the book does provide helpful analyses of each language and ideas on how to "speak" the language if you are really unfamiliar with it. I know that I feel a little retarded when it comes to Words of Affirmation and Physical touch. I don't usually know what to say and I'm not really that huggy feely, I feel smothered easily I think... I don't know. On the other hand as soon as I read the introduction to the book I knew that my love language was GIFTS without a doubt. It's not that I feel like I have to "get" stuff all the time, but when I was reading I was just thinking that picking stuff up for people to give to them, like random stuff is my favorite way of showing that I care about them. I get them something they mentioned a long time ago and I like to show them that I heard what they were talking about and desired. When I think of people I give them something, even if it's like an e-card or something. That's my favorite way of expressing love. It's not about the money at all. I'm not a goldigger. I just love to give people stuff. I remember buying Sean a rose once or twice, but doing that made me feel weird cuz he didn't seem to know how to receive it. It wasn't that I was hinting that I wanted a rose or anything. If I give you something (besides a cold) it means, "Hey, I thought about you." I scored 2nd highest in (it was a tie)Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. I guess I just like to hear those words of affirmation.... well know, I love words. I write them so I can see that. Physical touch is important to me to. It's like I don't want to be smothered but I need for my man to be more than just "here." I need someone to hold my hand or like play with my hair or something. One time I truly feel at home or soothed is if someone just like rubs my hair and scalp, not in a sensual way, but in like an assuring way. I can't explain it. Whatever though, I've already disclosed too much about this on easyjournal as it is. I'ma have folk thinking they know how to get to my heart.
Posted on 10.18.2005 at 1:46 AM

home SWEET home

So I got home tonight at around 9 tonight. My trip was eventless. I'm glad because that's what I prayed for. Thank you God. Somebody didn't look at their eCard that I sent them today(well yesterday). This Saturday was Sweetest Day, but a holiday card loses its affect a day or two after the holiday if its a small holiday. Christmas is different.I reached a comfortable decision about something. I decided I didn't have enough money or service. Easy enough right?... but next semester I'll fight inwardly about it again. I need a spiritual decision, not just the surface. I'm being too stubborn to go to God about it because He might say no, but hasn't He already said that with my tight financial situation and other things in the past? I'm getting tired of journaling because I feel like I'm not really saying anything and I didn't mean for it to be a gossip column about my life and my Sean issues. I mean that's good for "ratings", but it's not like I get paid for my journal being read 1000 times per month.

I'm watching Midnight Love right now. Comcast OnDemand is really cool because CLEARLY Midnight Love kinda doesn't exist anymore. I decided today that Love and Marriage for me is really a dream deferred. I won't always feel like I'm alone, and God willing, I won't always be single. If I actually pray for what I want, God will answer in the best way possible. Maybe Sean was an answer to a prayer that I wasn't ready for, that neither of us were ready fair. Ultimately what does this mean, who really knows but God. All I know is that it's not something I should fret about because God is in control... although I do all the time. I guess I'm just scared that nothing like that will ever work out and I'm definitely not interested in going through this kind of hurt ever again. I'm sick of break ups, let me tell you. I don't want to create another ex, so I'm sorry if you step to me and I don't really give you the time of day (or you just don't feel like I do) it's just that I need for the next guy to be the One and I don't think God is going to send Him to me right now, cuz I asked Him to wait until I'm ready and I KNOW I'm not. I'm pretty sure He does not intend for me to be trying to get serious with anyone right now, knowing that my heart is occupied. I say that all the time though, in some way or another. Jesus is the Bread of Life and I've been an anorexic Christian for some time now, well I'm SICK of it. I'm sick of being salty all the time about my apartment and having to live with people. I'm sick of being sad and unmotivated. What do I do about it all? Nothing. Why is it SO hard to ask God for the things you KNOW you need... at least those. I guess I mostly feel selfish for praying for myself, but like the scripture on my journal says... "You do not have because you do not ask God." and I must say I really DON'T ask. I guess I'm petrified of some of His answers, but I know that any answer He could give me will be so much better than the answer I may have thought I wanted. Maybe that's what's scary... not getting what I expect... the mystery of it all. Well I don't want to be a chicken anymore and live outside of what He wants for me.


Posted on 10.16.2005 at 12:18 AM

party in 104

I got called about an hour ago about a party in CSA North, but as I got over there (very quickly) it was quiet and I saw police officers walking away from the reported area. So I was like, cool. After that I was like, I probably should gone head and do my second duty round for tonight, nevermind how dangerous it probably is to be out alone so late. Whatever though. I got this MADD craving for some coca cola ( I don't drink soda but every blue moon) and I just happened to have a can of Coke Classic and Coke Zero in my fridge because I got them free last Saturday from the Team Buzz afterparty. I decided I'd try the Coke Zero, since I got it to try it...with it being free and all. Well, I definitely like it. I'm not a fan of diet anything, but they didn't do half bad with Coke Zero. I think I'll buy it sometime when I'm craving a coke. Ok, mad I have a paragraph about coke. I'm so excited about being home all next week. I can get caught up on my class work/reading while my family is away at school and work and then I can spend the evenings with them. I really need this replug/recharge time so I can get on track with everything. I've been so "off" all semester. I'm salty that it was difficult to be set free from housing from Wed-Friday of next week, but you know that's just having a job and having responsibilities. I guess I just thought it sucked because I make it a habit to not usually ask for anything unless I need it, and I needed this. If I were less accustomed to getting my way though, I am sure I would have been less outraged or surprised when initially my request for time away was turned down. I talked to SB on the phone earlier tonight. That was cool I guess. He definitely told me some things I needed to hear...and some things I probably didn't want to hear. My resignation is off, but I still like the poem I wrote. I'll be happy to switch over to brighter poetry subjects soon. There is a lot to think and pray about. I'm sure I'll write from home next week about how happy I am to be home and how much I love my family, sleep and good food.
Posted on 10.15.2005 at 2:42 AM

ok so whatever. did anyone else think that last entry was funny? i mean, who am i trying to fool like i can actually resign? please. i'm gonna stop trippin now, for real. i'll have that conversation with you whenever you want.
Posted on 10.14.2005 at 4:38 PM

resignation: my tragic kingdom

this is my resignation.
don't worry, i won't txt.
maybe you don't get them
you wouldn't reply anyway.
forget your gmail
and your phone number
ringer ID, not necessary.
i was never good at charades
this uneven dance sickens me
not sure what i was trying to do
being sweet i thought
but why?
i only wish i didn't
replies are weighty, but
my inboxes are light
and unrequited... bewildered.
why does this linger...so...
i'll stop hoping:
time wasted thinking about you,
what wasn't and didn't,
and likely never will.
you've been notified.
this is my resignation.
Posted on 10.13.2005 at 8:04 PM

slow motion

wow, I moving very slowly today... like I'm in a time warp or something. I guess that can be attributed to the 2 hours of sleep I had last night. I thank God for waking me up this morning, not only waking me up, but waking me up on time when my alarm did not go off or I was too zonked out to hear it. I feel much much better today. It was uplifting talking to my supervisor about what was going on because it helped me gain more perspective. It's great talking to my mommy about things, but I guess parents can sometimes be quick to do the "aww baby, you need to come home thing" instead of trying to get you to look at situations in different ways. I'm thankful that God his placed such wonderful people around me. He doesn't cease to amaze me, He really doesn't. No matter how complacent or jaded I get with whatever's going on in my life He shows me something new. I need to spend more time with Hui-san. She's my buddy and I never see her. We don't get much time for iron sharpens iron. I need to look to God and to the strong Christian friends I know I have instead of listening to the lies the enemy tells me about how I have no friends and I'm drowning. So yes, I feel tons better today. Even so, I'm STILL trying to go home for all of next week. I miss my family and it's too stressful and expensive to try to switch two duty shifts AND drive there two consecutive weekends. When I told my mom it had been suggested that I go home this weekend and next, she was like... are you AWARE of the current gas prices? I was like, I know right. I shouldn't complain but it cost me like $26 to put 3/4 of a tank in my car... so maybe about 6 gallons or so. Thank God for providing my little on-campus jobs. I don't know what I'm going to be doing next year in graduate school to survive. The road ahead of me is slowly unfolding though, so I know that God won't leave me to a blind path.
Posted on 10.11.2005 at 9:38 AM

White Flag

Wow, 193 hits today.... either somebody loves me or there are a lot of nosey people who have heard I'm going crazy and would like to see documentation in my journal... whatever. The song below appeals to me right now... even though I can't say I'm going through what the person in the song is going through. I wish someone specific was saying something about my journals. I'm beginning to think that person never reads them anymore. I don't write this stuff to get a rise out of particular people or anything, but a private message or something might be nice. It's ok. I might just leave you out of the loop.


White Flag by Dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Posted on 10.11.2005 at 12:44 AM

the brink

As I struggle with whatever's going on with me, I can't help but wonder whether or not i'm dramatizing it all. contrary to the red tank top I have that says "Drama Queen" I'm really not one. I just like red. A word to the wise.. don't ask me how I'm doing any time soon if you don't really want to know because I've taken to the unthinkable. I tell the truth. I actually feel bad for sayin "I'm iight" or "I'm fine" or "I'm ok." For a little while I was feeding those answers to people I knew didn't really care, but I now I think that I'm just going to tell it like it is. I'm not doing fine. I'm drowning right now and I need a lot of prayer. You can take it at that... or if you're relaly concerned you can ask me more details or whatever. I'm not sure how well I convey what's going on via journal. It's not like everyone who reads my journal needs to know anyway. My true friends (and they are few) ask me what's up. If you think I'm being myself then you never knew me because my masks are not that effective. I know I didn't switch from wearing my heart on my sleeve to being hard to read. I'm trying to figure out how I can use fall break as a full week hiatus from everything... except for breathing, eating and sleeping. I'm going to flip out if things keep going on like this.
Posted on 10.10.2005 at 12:59 AM

writer's block?

I really have something to say, something to write up here, but the words won't pull together correctly. I don't know if it's poetry, prose, or song, but it's definitely something. I don't understand what's going on, but I do know that I'm off limits.
Posted on 10.9.2005 at 2:47 AM

no title

wow, I might be a little depressed or something. I managed to sleep ALL day today after we got back Team Buzz. I woke up for dinner and went right back to sleep. I'm glad I get to go to church tomorrow and with Enid too. I'm so tired of going up there by myself. I'm not going to Passion 06. I'm not going without Leslie if I try to go to Catalyst... so I'll just spend that time with my family. That's fine. Next Christmas season will find me one step closer to grown and a step farther from my father's house, so I'd like to cherish this one. My second Christmas with my mom, sister and step dad.
Posted on 10.8.2005 at 11:33 PM

Team Buzz

Today I woke up around 7:50am for Team Buzz after some set backs we made it over to the coliseum for the kick off. We volunteered at the Atlanta Day Shelter for Women and Children for about 2 hours. I ended up going through a volunteer orientation and then helping out a bit. I plan to go every other Saturday, but I may have to switch it up depending on which Saturdays I need to be up at church for meetings and things. After we left the place we went back to the coliseum and loaded up on pizza from Papa Johns then ran back to the dorm. I came back to wash my dishes from last night, but there were like 5000 ants as a result of the dishes left in there like all week after I had purposely (after like Tuesday) decided not to leave my dishes in the mix. I ended up taking the trash out last night because it smelled like *doot* in our apartment and I get tired of asking people things because I'm not anyone's momma. I figured it would have gone out eventually, but the trash can is by MY door. I'm the one it's closest too. I think I might put it back under the sink. Anyways, about Team Buzz and people who signed up and were emailed and never said anything to me about not being able to make it... I just hope that I make it one of the things in my life for me to do what I say I'm going to do and commit to what I sign up for. No one's perfect and I'm certainly working to become that person... but I can't help but being just a little bit salty about it. For now, we'll blame it on maybe the email system not working...or people not having planners to mark the date in... or emergencies. Whatever. I'll stop being salty now, I just had to get all of that out of my mind and into an organized thought pattern I guess. Happy Saturday. It's time for me to study Psych now. :o)
Posted on 10.8.2005 at 1:01 PM

"Greener Pastures" by No Doubt

(I don't know what this song sounds like, but I'm feeling the lyrics at the moment)

Go ahead, get out and see the world
But then I think, why should I
I'd rather stay home and cry
I never thought that I could be the other
The other way like the other ones
Let me open wide, let you see inside
And then you might agree

Would you say they find me unstable
'Cause they see me act a little bit different
But I know my way to greener pastures and
Think about it, won't you think it over
Please

Without you I can move
I can stretch my arms out, I can feel it
And when I'm in my room alone I feel good
Because I don't have to deal with you or the outside world

Would you say they find me unstable
'Cause they see me act a little bit different
But I know my way to greener pastures and
Think about it, won't you think it over
Please

I guess I'll get over it
Ooh - I guess I'll get over it
I guess I'll get over it
I guess I'll get over it

Would you say they find me unstable
'Cause they see me act a little bit different
But I know my way through greener pastures
Would you say they find me unstable
'Cause they see me act a little bit different
But I know my way through greener pastures
Would you say they find me unstable
'Cause they see me act a little bit different
But I know my way through greener pastures
Greener pastures
See me act a little bit different
But I know my way through greener pastures

Posted on 10.6.2005 at 9:31 PM

feeling like...

...whatever man. i'm not in the hottest of moods right now. i'm not salty though. i don't know what it is. i would go to bed if i didn't have to do a duty round at midnight (since i'm on duty). i hope no one calls me tonight needing anything. i would prefer a very quiet, everyone has a test tomorrow type duty. i'm so frustrated with this one thing. i wish i could let it go and move on cuz i give up. i don't know what i was thinking.
Posted on 10.6.2005 at 9:15 PM

slim sleep

well, I fell asleep last night around 11 or 11:15. Little did I know, I would wake up at 3am and not fall back asleep. I tried and tried to sleep but it wasn't happening. I also prayed. I knew I was going to try and go to the CRC this morning for 5:30 anyway, so I guess I'm not salty about it. How could I be anyway? I got 4 hrs of sleep. That's what I'm used to functioning on nowadays... I guess it's just that I had planned to sleep the entire time. It would have been nice. I don't want to sleep in my Human Development class again and I refuse to take a nap in between the gym and work at 10am. It seems like that would make me more prone to taking little cat naps all day. Actually, I know it would. I've already tried stuff lack that. I'm not really a power nap person. I haven't mastered that art. I think that I might actually cook myself some breakfast today, like some eggs. I don't need to buy anymore food out so if I have a good breakfast I should be ok until 3pm when I can actually get back to my room and fix something else. I was thinking about cooking dinner tomorrow night and inviting some folk over... but I'm pretty sure I'll just be here by myself as usual. Well, I'm usually here, but not really by myself because Leslie's usually here. A lot of folk are going to go see the Gospel tomorrow. I thought about going, but I would much rather go as less than an entourage, although I get the idea of a lot of folk going as a group. I'm not sure that I'm up for being around a crowd any time soon. I definitely know that I'm a one on one type of person and if I know that you genuinely don't really care about me and my life than I really don't get that much from being around you. It's not that I'm looking for a point to hang out with people, it can be fun. I'm just so over the superficiality that seems to run the adult world. It's ok to be cordial, but fake and cordial are not one in the same. I'm not writing this as a reaction to someone being fake to me. I've just been thinking about this a lot and I'm not sure that I want to continue being an adult if I'm going to be expected to be fake because that's not me and it won't be me.

What I have to realize(this is totally unrelated to the previous words):

I have to realize the depth of my spiritual neediness and that it is OK to need others... but that's for another entry. I'll tell you one thing though, pride is a serious inhibitor.
Posted on 10.6.2005 at 5:14 AM

Who you trin' to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

So my roomate came out all crazy and mean a while ago because Leslie and I were talking outside her door. It really took a second for it to dawn on me that she was probably in there asleep. Then she came out in an ogre-esque manner fussing at us and telling us how she had to wake up really early and how she had a sinus infection. I'm not even going to say anything ugly about that, but I will refer to the title of this journal. Otherwise, I have already expressed my feelings about the incident with Leslie. I apologized to her via E-card as well. I hope it is somewhat endearing. Our apartment smells like trash because the trash hasn't been taken out yet. I know that will be resolved soon, so I'm not even going to worry about it.

Ok, so what happened today... yesterday as of now...? I went to my GT 1000 class and I was actually there early. It was semi-boring as usual. Our students aren't motivated to participate in discussion, but it's ok. After that I went to Skiles walkway to read... I was actually waiting for the ONE table to get set up so I could get a cool ONE bracelet (www.ONE.org). After that I walked to Weber SST and chilled/tried to study/ended up sleeping in the classroom for an hour before my class started. It was nice to have an empty lecture hall all to myself for a while. Unfortunately I ended up sleeping through that class. It's not that the class is boring to me. I guess it's just a bad time for me to have it. I don't know why I can't function at noon without some naps. Whatever though. After that class I watched "The Faces of Eve" in Abnormal Psych... even though I love that movie I left early because I was tired of being in there since I had already seen it. I went back to my apt and ate lunch and actually READ for my class with little distraction. I skipped out on my meeting at 4:45 to take care of some things before work. At work I actually did work for class too. I was so proud of myself let me tell you. I treated myself with going to see G.I.F.T.E.D. perform at the ONE info session. They did well. I have a few comments about nit picky things, but soundwise I think they were great. Good job every body.

How is Crystal doing?
Well, today I felt productive because I did some work and made considerable progress in my coursework. I also made time for myself by seeing the choir perform and I walked around campus for an hour briskly while talking to my family on the phone (that was my workout). I talked my dad (it's been about 2 weeks since). They are still living out in Texas. Dad likes it there. Right now they are visiting my grandmother and aunts and uncles in Gulfport, MS. They saw the house yesterday (their house in east New Orleans). It had about 5 feet of water in it at one point apparently. They were able to salvage some pictures. They are picking my sister up from college later this morning so she can spend her fall break (her first year of college) with them in TX in their new apt. They're not going to relocate to TX though. This is just for the time being. I am happy to see that they are still in high spirits. I need to call my sister some time today. I was pretty chipper all day today. The interaction with my roomate pissed me off considerably, but I'm not angry anymore. It's whatever. I'm not going to lay my head down on my pillow angry. I just feel like a momma sometimes. I feel like I'm always wiping down the counters and cleaning the stove eyes. I'm going to probably buy a broom after church tomorrow also. I know I'm not the only one cleaning up effectively, but sometimes it feels like it and it's a little tiring. I have seen what apartments look like when everyone stops caring and I refuse to let this apartment get like that even if I have to clean up after folk more than I do now. If the living area remains nice, I can't mind THAT much. With that, I will retire to bed. I'm waking up in something like 4 hours. Yeah I know, I'm stupid. I'm trying to reclaim my sexy body though, so you gotta do what you gotta do.

Oh yeah, my sis told me that my family was reading my journal. I'm happy about that. I love you family!!!
Posted on 10.5.2005 at 12:58 AM

serious

the plight of purity is not to be taken lightly and is so deeply rooted that it can only be uprooted and resolved through the Holy Spirit. if only you REALLY knew how much God loved you, you wouldn't, you couldn't allow yourself to settle for less than what He wants for you. i'm pleading with you, listen to that nagging voice in your head that says "you don't need to go over there" or, "don't answer that phone" or "don't kiss him" or "is he a man of God?" that's the Holy Spirit pleading with you. i know, because there were so many times that i didn't listen... and eventually listening wasn't a choice, i was deaf to His promptings. my heart cries out to GOD that you do not repeat my mistakes. i love you.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
~1 Corinthians 6:18-20

"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life."
~Proverbs 4:23

Posted on 10.4.2005 at 3:04 AM

aLiAs

I'm so cool (lame). My new email address, actually Alias, is crystal-at-gatech.edu. At first I made it crystal.m-at-gatech.edu but then I was like whatever, it's still early. Let me see if I can monopolize Crystal... and I did. The person I work with in the mornings seems to be in a bad mood today, which isn't the best for me considering I didn't sleep well at all last night and when I did sleep I had nightmares about weird stuff, like hate, animal cruely, sorority stuff. It was a bizarre 4 hours of sleep let me tell you. God thankfully arranged it so my Race class would be cancelled today, which is great. I will probably leave my PST class a bit early today as well. I just have to make it through that soporific French Revolution class I have.

(this isn't the "today's journal" I reference in my AIM away message. that message is aimed at the one i did earlier this morning before going to bed.)
Posted on 10.3.2005 at 10:45 AM

You're the One to...

raise me up
from this grave
touch my tongue
and then i'll sing
heal my limbs
and joyfully
i'll run to YOU.
...
And I'm alive and I'll sing
And I'm alive and I'm free
...
Yeah I'm FREE!!!
~from David Crowder Band "Everything"


The Holy Spirit is urging me to take leave from abrasive music, not necessarily secular music, but definitely stuff like Three 6 Mafia "Stay Fly" and other non-edifying selections. I've known that it was something I was supposed to do for a while, but I kept saying nah, this is too fun and what not. I don't think that things will work out for me like they are supposed to spiritually until I obey in this area of my life. There are other things I need to do, but I am officially saying that I WILL take this first step. I just deleted a lot ofthe music I was talking about from my computer. I didn't have a lot of it, but what I had was bad enough. It wasn't enough for me to just say I wasn't going to play it. I feel MUCH better now that I've done that. I felt like I was losing my ground. I saw SB for a second last night, he asked me how I was and I felt bad because for probably the first time in a long time, I acted more like a shut oyster than an open book. There is so much going on under the surface with me, so much I could have said, so much I didn't say, so much I may never say. I'm the deepest well of emotions. So this is what it's like to have separated yourself from God, minimum living? I had such high hopes as I started my one year stint as a single woman in God... I'm making baby steps though, so I'm happy. I even managed to get some of the work done this weekend that I had planned to do. That was a milestone. Progress is good. I feel like I've reached a level of resolve. Concerning some things, I know what I want. I don't know that God will grant me one of them, but I'll keep praying about it, for it and asking him. If he won't let me have it, I pray for contentment in that his plan is WAY better than my plan... but I know what I want for now. I don't think it will change, but it's pretty fresh, so we'll see. Last night was a sweet moment. I think I needed that. I also needed to be up in church like I was today. I don't want to be like Lot's wife and give in to the influence of evil (Gen. 19:26). I feel like that's how I've been lately. That's why my foundation has been crumbling like it's been uprooted by some earthquake or other natural phenomenon. I've been salty a lot right, well Lot's wife was madd salty (since she turned into a pillar of salt). I sure as heck don't want to ever be that salty! See, my giving into negative influence was what made me so salty. I've figured that part out now. So as I begin this new week, this new month in my multi-faceted journal... I have a new hope. It's what I needed. I'm so sick of being so disconnected from all that is Christ and of Christ. I just CAN'T do it anymore. I'm a fish out of water. I'm sick of my erratic God Cycle. I know that there will be spiritual seasons, but I can't be IN one season and OUT the next. I need to be IN what God is doing season in and season whether I'm uplifted on a mountaintop or undergoing a lifechanging valley experience that may not be so glamorous (which is exactly what this whole me-without-Sean thing is). Until now I was failing the mess out of this sink-or-swim test. I was spiritually drowning, being drowned out by my worldly desires and my urge to seek fulfillment outside of God, i.e neverending social interactions, comfort food (which would explain the previous journal)... I'll close with some lyrics from a song referencing Habakkuk 3 (Habakkuk's Prayer).

"The sovreign Lord is my strength. He enables me to go on the heights... and I am not afraid."
~David Crowder Band "Cry Mercy"
Posted on 10.3.2005 at 4:14 AM

thicky thicky thick girl

ok, my thighs have gotten out of hand (in comparison to all the jeans i have that don't want to fit anymore). dang metabolism. i'm a lil thicker than i would like to be. i'm going to have to regulate on this wannabe body of a woman. it's not like i need a high percentage of body fat. i ain't tryna have children any time soon. wutever. i'm finally going to church today.

o yeah, the Accu-Scale thingy at Lenox today said I weigh 122.4 lbs... I think I'll claim that weight.
Posted on 10.2.2005 at 4:08 AM

DeSTiNAtiONs

Sean you did great in the show tonight. I really felt the piece you did. It was well-written, yes, you're getting better and better at this thing. At the same time I guess it was because I remember talking to you about a lot of the stuff that you touched on specifically.

The evening started off a little salty, which wasn't helped by my lack of sleep from last night, but God smoothed it out. That is, until I had to keep my composure in saying goodbye to Sean. I mean, why do I insist on not breaking the facebook relationship connection? At times, I'm like, I need to go ahead and do that because I'm clinging... but at the same time it's not like I'd rather be connected to anyone else. Why am I fooling myself here? I wish life would pause for a moment and let me take a brief vacation. I don't mean that in a suicidal way though. I'm so tired of the tears and sadness. I opted out of going to the movies with Andra and Leslie tonight because I felt like straight crap after Destinations. No one wants to be around me when I feel like this. No one should want to be around me in the moods I've been in lately anyway. I'm sorry, this is just not one of those cases where I can just BUILD A BRIDGE. If I had a bridge, it got burned and I'm back at ground zero. I feel like crap and I'm going to bed.
Posted on 10.1.2005 at 1:32 AM