ok so no more music at work...at least without headphones... since we are trying to maintain a professional environment. does professional have to be synonymous with bored?! i don't understand why we as adults have to drain the fun out of existing. of course there is method to the madness, but it still sucks. this is why i could never be in some tight shirted, constrictive corporate environment.

Posted on 6.30.2005 at 4:43 PM

I wrote a long entry in my actual journal in class today...well the class I'm a TA for. I wrote it as she was talking because it wasn't like I could really say anything. I think it helped me get my thoughts together about how i'm feeling concerning the recent events in my life. It's really time for me to get back on the ball as far as studying for the GRE goes and looking for a suitable graduate school. I may really consider somewhere in California now. That would probably be as "on my own" as I could possibly get, since I don't even have family in states that are adjacent to Cali, let alone in Cali. I'd only be there for two years. I could handle the isolation... I think. Isolation is a scary idea though. It's time to experience coming into my own now. So much opportunity lies ahead of me. I didn't write this on here yesterday, but last night I realized that in my "accident" the guy in the truck actually and completely hit me and I was duped, too frantic to back up from the situation I just agreed with what he said and now there goes my savings. Ain't that some crap? There's always something isn't there? At least I know I wasn't at fault at all. He just wasn't looking. Now I don't feel as bad. I actually feel worse because that sets be back financially. Oh well though. I need to start drafting something to send away to an organization... some of my close friends already know about that...but I'll let other folk know when I actually get all of that straightened out. Naw, it has nothing to do with the car thing at all.

Posted on 6.30.2005 at 12:26 PM

break

There is no journal entry here.
Just reality.

Posted on 6.29.2005 at 6:32 PM

returned

yah, so after a little over 24hrs of having the phone in my possession and activated, i took that piece of crap back up to Verizon. It was a Motorola v265 with the CRAPPIEST camera I've ever seen on a phone...plus Verizon had locked up the ONE feature I had really wanted in the first place...and for nearly $300?! Oh HECK naw. That phone had to go, so it did. It's at FedEx now waiting to be shipped. Oh yeah, as I was leaving FedEx I managed to get into a fender bender cuz me and this guy in a pick up truck backed into each other but oh well. Stuff happens. I found myself thanking God on the drive back to campus about how small of an incident it was and how the guy wasn't upset with me and was very nice and was telling me not to worry about it (I cried on the phone with my dad). He also leaned over and checked under the bent fender to make sure it wasn't making contact with the tire and I would be able to drive it. Through traumatic things God highlights his existence. I know the incident was small but it was a little traumatic for me...seeing as how my car has never made contact with another car...at least not with me in it. What's interesting is that I felt it coming up or about to happen. Just before I put the car in reverse it seems I heard someone calling my name (though no one knew it) and I looked around to see if someone was trying to get my attention and what not. When it seemed that no one was, I started to back out and WHAM! it happened. I didn't see the truck until it was too late for me to do anything about it... at least in terms of reflexes and car gears. Ah well... As soon as things seem to be going financially well for you something always happens to put you in the hole. I was trying to good too. I was going to Wachovia TOMORROW to open a savings account. Coulda been millions of times worse though, so thank YOU Jesus.

though i'm sure you'll never read this:

Congrats Mr. Jarrett Jack for being the selected by the Denver Nuggets in the First Round of the 2005 NBA Draft.

Posted on 6.28.2005 at 8:03 PM

fuzzy navel

i went to the liquor store last night with mom and i bought some peach schnapps to make a fuzzy navels with. it was good. the mixture of peach flavoring and orange juice is nearly divine to me for some reason. unfortunately...the fuzzy navel is one of those drinks that would sneak up on you and have you drunk before you realize what's really goin on...so i limited myself to one very small one. i just wanted a taste anyways... i came back to the house today after running to walmart with dad, Gabs and our cousins and my mom and miss tina were sittin around the table finishing up fuzzy navels. i was like "look at you heffas drinkin up the little that i bought" it was funny. they were like, "we saved you some." i seriously didn't buy that much tho, so it's not like they were being lushes or anything. my dad had one but he didn't like it because it was too "feminine" for him. that was funny too.

Posted on 6.27.2005 at 1:24 AM

presenting...

you know that class i have to present in tomorrow... yeah... i'm THIS close to dropping it and starting my weekend early. seriously i am not feeling very good about the presentation at all. :( i don't have a point or anything. i certainly don't have the actual ppt set up or the bibliography done to turn in either. i'm going to melt down between now and tomorrow morning at 9:20.

Posted on 6.23.2005 at 4:02 PM

insensitive

I can be really insensitive without meaning to. A lot of times it takes me a minute to realize (or remember) that things work differently in my family than they may in other families. I don't mean to be insensitive and not understanding, but sometimes it just happens. I swear I don't mean any harm when I say whatever it is that I say or make suggestions or whatever. If I knew that whatever I said would come with hurt I wouldn't even think to say it.

Posted on 6.21.2005 at 12:41 AM

epidemic

2 girls I know are recently enagaged, that doesn't account for the other 2. I am very happy for them, it just seems like engagement is becoming an epidemic in one of the social circles that i'm in. it's making me feel like there's something i'm not doing or whatever, like i need to get with the program. i know this is not true though. just like it's ok to consider marriage and things at my age, it's also ok to not be in that place yet. that's where i am, not that place and it's cool. i think i still have a year or two (at least) left of going home to visit and being mommy and daddy's oldest girl and Gabby's available big sis. i wouldn't be too happy if me and my sisters couldn't spend quality sleepover girltime. i mean i know it wouldn't be impossible to do while being married, but stil. i'm not ready yet to yield over the other side of my bed or say "goodbye" to my family. i feel comfortable at least that realize that. besides, you only get to be a girl once in your life and as soon as you get married you're not really "girl" anymore. sure you can be young and girlish, but the reality of woman and adulthood sink in. i'm not ready to become one with another being. i probably should get used to the responsibility i have now before i share it with someone and add to the duties i already have at this age. as eager as i am to get engaged, married and start a family, i also know myself and that i'm not ready. i'd cry at thought of my Dad(s) giving me away and waving goodbye to my family. my family is REALLY important to me. I think i'll hold on to my identity as daughter/sister as long as i can for now. i'm in a cozy place.

Posted on 6.19.2005 at 12:31 AM

Arakawa and Gins SUCK!

If you are taking a course (assuming you are anything like me) and you see that your teacher has required you to buy ANY book written by Madeline Gins and Arakawa...simply run the other way. I'm writing a paper on their book Architectural Body. Let me tell you, it does NOT feel good writing a paper that you know is ultimately about absolutely nothing. I just want to graduate for crying out loud. SHEESH!

organism that persons

here i am trying to crack into my lcc 3308 paper STILL. i was supposed to be finished by today, but clearly all i have is a heading and a title. at least i'm prepared i guess. my problem is that i haven't really grasped the material...partly because i feel like it's major B.S. and will have no direct bearing on my knowledge level upon leaving Tech. i should not freak out about this because i know God is in control, but it's hard not to worry.

on a lighter note though... i read the daily devotion from Utmost and James 4 and Chapter 2 of The Power of a Praying Woman before going to bed last night. I also spent a long time (long time compared to my usual prayer time) in prayer. it was cool because i think it's probably the first time since i can remember that i prayed so fervently. i was asking God to search my heart and make me aware of those things that should not be there. i want to be confronted of the reality of who i am versus who i NEED to become in Christ. i also got up this morning and read the devotion from Utmost and spent some time in prayer.

Posted on 6.16.2005 at 2:21 PM

i hate my hair

the title says it all. i complain, but i kno it could be worse. i need to figure out where i am going to get my hair down around here and stick with it. my previous stylist moved farther away and i didn't want drive all the way over to her. getting my hair done has just been a non-gratifying experience since then and i am frustrated now that my hair even requires that it be permed. ideally i would like to have my hair processed only to the point where it is "semi-natural." there is this salon in Canada called Jazma that has created a wash & wear relaxer that loosens the wave pattern (or kink pattern if you're like me) of your hair so it's more manageable. it's not the same as a texturizer. the bottom line, however, is that i do not live in Canada...so that leaves me "up a creek." after getting my hair done today i ended up washing and conditioning it myself and now here i am sitting here with leave-in conditioner. i have been fighting the urge to shave my head all day, but i kno if i do that i'll just be uglier. it certainly wouldn't be an improvement and i'd miss my hair...yes, the hair that i hate so much, my tight-napped, extremly thick, dry hair....enough of my hair whining though. it could be a lot worse. it could be extremely nappy, thin and grow so slowly that i never noticed.

...this is not about hair...

i've been feeling weird lately. i have been thinking about stuff and maybe i've come to a realization about something in particular. i also realize that i need to not be so emotionally detached from people who try to get close to me.

Posted on 6.16.2005 at 12:47 AM

the errand

yeah so... apparently a test was supposed to be delivered at 2pm today and I didn't catch this until shortly thereafter so i called the prof's administrative coordinator and i was like "i realize we haven't gotten the test to you at the appointed time, but i can't leave the office right now because i'm the only one here right now." she was like "cool. he will probably just have someone to pick it up...then she called back and was like "here, speak to dr. so&so" and he sounded a little upset that the test hadn't been delivered on time and was telling me that they were grading it now and really needed the test. then he was like who's your supervisor? talk to her and figure something out...long story short, i ended up hiking in the 95 degree weather all the way over to this particular department's building with my they're-flip flops-but-they-still-too-cute-to-be-comfortable shoes. i was really nervous because i thought the prof would bark at me and snatch the test from me, so instead of thinking "oh, i wish he would try to do such-n-such" and "if he do this...i'ma do this" i decided to pray on it and when i got there he was this comely santa claus looking dude. he was really nice to me, so it was cool. when i got back they called and said some of the test was missing and asked me to look for it. i called back and told them there were no stray test materials lying around, so they were like ok. the rest of the day has carried on without incident and i'm looking forward to getting outta here at 5pm :o)

4:28 PM

hazard

ok! occupational hazard!! I chipped a NAIL trying to move a file cabinet. how dangerous?!

New Job

Hey guys. Guess what, I'm at my JOB. I'm so excited...well a little excited about getting paid. The job itself doesn't seem so exciting, at least for the summer. Who's complaining though? I have mad classwork to do so that's cool. Technically I haven't started my shift yet. I have about a half hour, then I'll be working for 12-5pm. I hope I don't get bored or fall asleep or anything. For some reason I'm like ultra-tired today. It was kind of hard for me to fall asleep though. My newly worked out muscles were feeling a little uncomfortable so I tossed and turned more than I usually do I guess. I think I slept well though. I awoke feeling refreshed (after pressing snooze every 7 minutes between 8:17 and 8:52). My neighbor Jabulani must hate me completely...or maybe he can't hear my alarm or maybe he's not there when I wake up... I hope one of those is the case.

Ahhh... let's see what I have coming up to do that I need to be working on in classwork....

-Biomedicine and Culture(Alcoholism) Midterm on Friday
:outlook:: my teacher apparently gives all essay tests, which could be bad for me because I don't look that deeply into literature. on the other hand though, i have (for the first tme in my college career) read everything that woman has been assigning for us to read and i take good notes(at least i think they are good). i should do ok on the test as long as i study my notes and the passages they refer to.

-Enviro Ecocritic Project(Paper) 2 (4-5pgs) Due Monday (6/20)
:outlook:: uhhhh... yeah, so the paper is supposed to be about a book...or way of thinking...that i haven't read or grasped the concept of yet and I will start on the reading and grasping today. I hope to be finishing up with the paper on Thursday afternoon by the time I leave work so that I can study for my test AND have a little bit of a weekend that is not dominated by LCC stuff...bleh

-BMed and Culture PRESENTATION on psychologist and counselor representations of Alcoholism and the Family for Friday (6/24)
:outlook:: ok, so I'm freaking out about this one but simultaneously neglecting to do anything about it. I have the articles I printed out practically 2 weeks ago. I have 10 of them and I only needed 5 to fulfill my requirements which means that my goal for useful articles is at least 7 so I can do better than minimum. The presentation is 6 to 8 minutes long and I have to do it by myself. I think she is expecting powerpoint, but I'd really rather not. I think I'd rather write on the board or something. I wonder what's allowed. I really suck at presentations that's for sure...but I know that's because I always present on material that I don't care about and have neglected to actually learn so I'm always reading off of my notes and stuff and sounding like I don't know what I'm talking about because it's true. If I can plunge full steam ahead into the research for this starting with all day on Saturday, I could probably ace it. I'm going to sweat it, but I refuse to flip out over it. At least the paper's due on Monday for my other class, so if I procrastinate to the max with that, I'll still have from Monday at noon to Friday at 9am to get my presentation planned out.

Pray for me yall... I'm a recovering procrastinataholic. Pray that I can keep this early assignment completion thing up. At least it's only Tuesday the week before and I'm worrying about my presentation next Friday...rather than Tuesday or Thursday the week of...

stream of consciousness

I'm just going to write how I feel today. I am feeling pretty good...a little contemplative and sleepy. I'm certainly feeling a little guilty about my week's break from the CrC and working out, but I know that I will go back so I can honestly say I'm not worried about that. I really want to go to New Orleans and surprise my dad by showing up on his 50th birthday, but at the same time I know that will not be in my best interest to do considering the long drive that has to be by myself and the fact that I need to be back in ATL by 9:20 monday morning to go to my class...and that sucks. What should I do for my dad for his birthday then? All I can think to do is call him and say happy birthday because I have no money. That feels so "less than." I feel like I should do better than that, but I guess I'm doing the best I can, so that will have to do. I would have sent him a card, but what would it say? Plus father's day is next Sunday. I remember how last year I bought Father's Day cards for both of my dads in like April or something crazy like that...then I couldn't find them when it was time to send them off. Now I know where they are...I think. Naw for real, I put them in an important and prominent place. I almost bust my behind today on the top floor of Skiles in a water puddle that I was trying to avoid. These are the slipperiest flip flops ever. It's not safe to wear them in a pool area unless the area is cement and not tile, which really counts out the indoor CrC pool so I pretty much have to put my feet on that cruddy, cold and wet floor in there. I hope I don't get some foot disease from there. Epidemics are lurking all over campus though and I've done well to only get wringworm, so I think God has my back. I'll be ok, still cautious, but ok. Man, I am full...well my tummy is full. all I had today was a cheese burger from Juniors, some sweet tea, a packet of veggie tales fruit snacks and a packet of Gushers(in that order). I should NOT be full, but honestly I was full after midway through the cheeseburger. Am I really supposed to eat such small servings? That sucks. I guess it's better than being a bottomless pit and having the misfortune of obesity genes. That's not my lot in life. Everyone's lot in life that has major landscaping needs. The ones that are especially dangerous are the ones that we are not aware of, the kudzu problem that grows under cover and gets OUTTA CONTROL before its even detected. That's how sin in repressed (or suppressed) areas of our lives can creep up on us and make us miserable. That's when God allows us to break down and come to that point where we realize all we need is Him in our lives. Isn't God awesome? I know that my time of brokenness is coming. I don't know how or in what form of tragedy in my life, but I am sure that it is coming. It scares me, but at the same time, I guess I can see the outcome as well. I don't know if it's preventable. I would guess probably not. God really does have all of this planned out.(Ahhh... I just looked at the yahoo homepage and they are talking about hurricane Arlene hitting the gulf coast. Yeah, It's better that I don't drive to New Orleans this weekend then... I would basically be driving along the coast and that may not be the best thing for me to do at this particular time.)

Posted on 6.10.2005 at 1:53 PM

answered prayer

i got a job yall! the Lord hooked me UP! I will be working in the Dean of Students Office. Isn't that wonderful?!

Posted on 6.9.2005 at 12:45 PM

pregnant

pregnancy is something i've always wanted to experience...but under the conditions of marriage first and then conception. whenever i hear of a friend or someone i know personally going thru the whole pregnancy experience in an "out of order" kind of way, it really does hurt my heart. most girls i know don't want to experience single motherhood and no matter what a girl says, she doesn't want to have to rush into marriage. i think most girls would prefer the glorious dream wedding with plenty of planning time..whatever their vision of that may be. i guess that's why my heart hurts. its a hard situation to be in, at least that's how i imagine it. when a personal acquaintance of mine goes through something like that i can't help but empathize.

but there's a hope...

in God we know that there are no mistakes. God does not make mistakes, so unplanned children themselves are not mistakes, but part of His Perfect Will and are blessings, perhaps in disguise, but blessings none-the-less. Now, it may take years to realize the blessing and the Awesome intricacy of His plan, but He is in control...and that is so wonderful. My prayers are with you.

encouragement from The Word:

Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exeeding joy.
~1 Peter 4:12-13

May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
~1 Peter 5:10

The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.
~Pslam 121:8

Posted on 6.8.2005 at 1:38 AM

That's All (1959)

I kinda like this song... I thought I'd share.


That's All
Music by Bob Haymes
Lyric by Alan Brandt

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all...

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love even time can't destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.

Posted on 6.6.2005 at 1:05 AM

buenas dias

Today was a good day. My day started at 2pm with the groundbreaking for my LCC 3308 (class I don't like) paper. I wouldn't let myself eat until I had a little bit of a plan, so I got to it...ate my red beans and rice that I had left over and printed out a much-needed article at the student center (since i'm still too lazy to mess with my printer). I can't afford a printer cartridge right now anyway...well around 4pm I guess you could say I got seriously into my paper writing. I read the few pages of essays that I needed to read and highlighted useful quotes. I set my paper up with its margins, font (courier new) and headings so I could feel like I was doing something. Then something amazing happened: When I started writing the paper the whole thing started making sense to me. The subject was something that I don't really care to think about and that I don't think has any major bearing on the major questions of life...

*about my paper* (disregard this if you don't care about intellectual fluff)It's called "Andy Goldsworthy's Work: Child's Play or Natural Contract." Andy Goldsworthy is this dude that
goes around and makes usually temporary works of art using nature and I was supposed to discuss his art in the terms of Martin Heidegger's notion of "bringing forth" and Michel Serres' "Natural Contract." Heidegger's "bringing forth" means that something is brought out as what it really is (roughly). There are two types of "bringing forth"" poiesis and physis. Poiesis occurs when people bring forth something, like if a bridge is built, the land on either side of the river becomes a bank. Physis is the irruption of something by itself, like a blossom blossoming. (Yeah this stuff is starting to get out there huh?) Well I explained that basically Goldsworthy's artwork was meant to...well, nevermind...in case someone from class is reading this. My journal link IS on facebook ya know...

*ok back to the actual journal*
But anyway, bottom line is, I found a place where I knew what I was talking about (or at least thought I did) and I was able to write fluidly and draw in quotations where they were needed. How exciting? I am actually DONE with my paper and I don't need any of Sunday to work on it further. I finished the paper around 8pm and I went straight to the CRC today. I forwent (not sure that's a word) cardio today and I stretched and did lunges, used the lat pulldown, worked on my obliques, used the glute machine, the ab crunch machine and i went back and did a few more lunges using weights that were 2.5lbs heavier. I am so proud of myself! Well after I came back, I showered/washed my hair and ate some of the dinner Sean and I cooked together yesterday (chicken, potatoes and spinach...don't hate, i love spinach)

Now I'm listening to music (radioy.com) and watching Girlfriends. I just finished rolling my hair. I hope it will be cute tomorrow. My cute days are far and few in between nowadays. I am going to read Utmost in a little bit and then go to sleep.

Posted on 6.5.2005 at 3:14 AM

perpetual rainfall (part 2)

The previous entry(June 1):

"i hate perpetual (i think that's the right word) rainfall. it's so gloomy when the sun doesn't come out to play."

well...in continuation...

when i wrote this earlier that day i had no idea that the rainfall would have any major adverse affects on someone i know. well, actually it did. my friend frank was driving his truck that morning and someone from the opposite side of the street hydroplaned (going too fast) and t-boned his truck on the driver's side. as a result, frank apparently was trapped in the truck for 20 minutes, taken to the hospital where he had emergency surgery to remove his spleen. one of his kidneys and his colon are lacerated. his left femur, arm and ankle are all broken. that's just the current observed damage though. they haven't been able to take him in for all the tests and scans they want to do because he's on a respirator, but his breathing has been steadily improving and soon he should be able to switch to a mobile respirator and eventually breathe on his own.

:sigh: frank's accident really brought forth the hard truth as to how delicate life is. kelly (frank's girlfriend) has been a total champ through all of this. she's such a sweetheart and i really admire her. sean and i have visited the hospital twice to show our support, but i think both of us are kinda scared to actually SEE frank in his current state. i kno that at least i am really uncomfortable in hospitals and i don't like to see my friends and loved ones hurting. it really does reveal other things in life as the petty issues they are (like sear's auto not being able to efficiently fix my car the first two times) it's been really nice to see all of the catalyst people and families pull together out of care and support. it's awesome. God is so awesome. I thank God for sustaining Frank thus far and comforting his loved ones. I am sure that Frank will emerge from this trial able to give God all the more glory, laud and honor than before. Amen!

Posted on 6.4.2005 at 1:55 AM

shoot first. ask questions later.

I'm tired of of being that
girl that always looks like she wants
to say something. So, from now on...
I'm going to take the opportunity to say it.

Posted on 6.4.2005 at 1:37 AM

perpetual rainfall

i hate perpetual (i think that's the right word) rainfall. it's so gloomy when the sun doesn't come out to play.

Posted on 6.1.2005 at 2:24 PM