21? Already?!

Pikachu (Gabby) was in a talent show tonight. She and her friends did
very well, but it would have been nice to see them smile. This has
been the lonliest visit home that I've ever had. Dad has stuff to do
and Mom will be going to class this weekend. It's sad because I never
get to see them. So this is what growing up is like? I study the
faces of my parents for signs of aging because old age means death and
I never want them to die. I would prefer they stayed as youthful as
they were 11 years ago when I was 10 and my sister wasn't potty
trained yet. Here I am, days from 21, unsure of what direction my life
will be taking. I do know that I intend to move in whichever direction
Jesus wants me to go. God I hope mine and Sean's paths converge to a
common purpose in Your will. Lord I've just been so stressed about my
grades and classes. I don't like college anymore. I don't like my
grades anymore or the student I've become. I feel powerless but I
guess that's the point. I really wanted to get an A in personality
psych to see that I was at least still able to do something. And
what's a whole year of college going to look like without Sean there?
He's my best friend here on earth Lord. We hang out all the time. What
if he's not even in Atlanta? I just thought that at 21 I'd know what
was going on with my life instead of being depressed somewhat about
what's going on in the background of my spiritual life (cuz that's
great). I don't even know if I want to celebrate this rite of passage
at all. I think praising and thanking God that he has blessed me this
far will suffice because I am thankful, I'm just not excited. I can't
pan out and see the big picture of my life. All I see now are Biology
and Psych, neither of which are going well and I really thought I knew
what was going on in the Psych test. I don't want to do the STAC thing
anymore. It's a whatever type major that nobody understands and that I
can't explain and no one will ever want to hire me coming out of
school. I feel like I'm never going to get one of those real jobs with
a salary. Maybe I won't. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm not
supposed to be turning 21 yet. I don't have anything together at all.
All I know is that I love God and I want to grow in Him and I desire
that other people would know and love Jesus...and I am aware that
those things are all I need to know but I want to know more. That's
why I am not excited about turning 21. I don't have anything together.
I probably won't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing until I stop
trying to work it all out for myself. It's very hard to have faith to
sit back and let God tell you when to make a move when you've been
raised to get out there, go for it and handle things. 21, don't come
yet. I'm not ready yet. =(

Posted on 2.26.2005 at 2:40 AM

Blessed and Stressed

This is going to be short because I'm going to bed now, but I just wanted to say a few things.

Firstly, we had our second small group meeting today and let me tell you, God is doing some amazing things. He is really moving through our group. I think part of why I wanted to start a small group was too see God's work even more clear and tangible in my life and He's doing just that. The Spirit is moving through my FRIENDS! How awesomely indescribable is our Lord?!

So that's the blessed part or part of the blessed part.

For the stress:

My floor, my building Caldwell has gone a little crazy and I'm having to be mean (starting tomorrow). Some people aren't taking ownership of the dorm and being courteous of common facilities on the floor like the kitchen, bathroom and lounge. By leaving things around the floor its casuing me to have to implement policy where I just go in and throw things away, which I'm not afraid to do. Also, last night or yesterday some time, someone or a group of people vandalized a ceiling and light fixture in the basement causing it to be a safety hazard and possibly placing our dorm in the way of a generous FINE from housing to get it fixed. Needless to say, I'm not enthused about that and reports and suspicions of folk on my floor in MY SECTION drinking alcohol in the room and I'm the only person about to be 21 up in here... enough griping about that. The countdown to graduation has begun for me....however far away it is and I won't be a PL forever.

On the flip side of that though. I have met some great girls this year as a result of being a PL and I'm sorry that they have to deal with the wrath of housing as the result of their peers. The blessing of this is that I am really seeing how much I need God to sustain me daily so I see this adverse time as a growth oppurtunity.

Don't waste your life!
That's my newly adopted motto. I'll tell you what I mean soon. You can IM me if you wanna know before I blog about it though.)

Posted on 2.21.2005 at 1:33 AM

boo

It's no fun being a liberal arts major at an engineering school. No one wants YOU to graduate and get a job. I'm sorry, I had to gripe about it today. Ok, I'm done. Have a sunny afternoon even though it's cold outside.

Posted on 2.17.2005 at 2:24 PM

sick and tired

I'm so sick of things like "mandatory fun" and organizational meetings. You know, the things that "adults" are supposed to do. I didn't know that being an adult could be such a drag and that more worldly freedom in actuality means more chains. Like, the more I can do in this world. The more I can afford to join and my accessiblity to go places is doing more to hold me down than to release me... So, to the extent that I can, I release all of it. No more mandatory celebrations and functions. I will go to these things if I want to. When I am so led, I will do community service from the heart and not out of obligation. I do have a heart... I should give God more direct control. I don't know why I chose to write about this today. Maybe I just feel strapped in and tied up and like my life is leading me in many ways instead of Jesus, at least some times. I am tired of losing sight of what I'm supposed to be doing because of stuff I've signed up for. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore. I think my desire to be involved is over. I do the housing thing and the OMED tutoring thing so I can eat at a decent restaurant regularly and pay to get my hair done about every weeks or so(which is expensive as ever out here in the ATL), plus I like to spoil my little girl (my baby sister) because I can and my parents can't or she'd become a brat. The small group and talking to Danny and Sean about how to be a missionary where God has placed me are the most important things going on in my life right now. Between those things, working for housing, tutoring 4 times a week for 2hrs at OMED, taking care of my health and going to school I feel like God has given me balance. God has really blessed me, this semester especially he has. I feel like I might actually be easing into a niche of what my life at the moment is supposed to be. He's given me what I asked for, that balance. This semester I am taking the same amount of classes and I don't feel like a headless chicken. I am so thankful for that and for the people's He's placed in my life to grow with spiritually. I'm just so happy right now. I mean inspite of my bad days and the fact that I have biology ( :o) ) I'm one happy chick. I guess the thing is, I've finally figured out what I was supposed to. This earthly life is really just a thing. All things will pass away. My spiritual life, personal relationships and making it my life's work proclaim the Good News of Jesus Christ in some way are really all that matters. I'm starting to see that now. I am pretty sure I haven't grasped the full implications of that, but God's slowly unveiling my eyes concerning that issue. I refuse to let worldy obligations and stuff(literally) stress me out.

Posted on 2.16.2005 at 5:17 PM

Letting go...

Yeah, today's not very exciting. I can't really complain though. I could be extremely cold and rainy. I have a lot of work I should be doing anyway, so maybe it's good that I don't have any real plans besides going to work, eating dinner at Woody's and going to my housing staff meeting. Maybe I will get in the bed early tonight at least. I've been having trouble getting out of the bed recently. I dream so much now that I don't like to wake up. It used to be that I always woke up not feeling like I had any dreams. That is definitely not the case now. I think I need to be trying to get 9 hours of sleep or something because this is RIDICULOUS. I may also have to stop trying to do homework on my bed too so that my bed won't stress me out anymore. Whatever. I dunno. But anyways, on to the topic...

Letting go is just awesome. I mean surrendering things to Jesus that you know you've struggled with and can't handle. Forgiving people is just so great. It's so nice to let go and just change your focus and say Jesus loves this person, so I'm going to Love them too, and I want the best for them, spiritually speaking. I'm glad to finally been brought to that point. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom."

Posted on 2.14.2005 at 2:25 PM

the rooster

Yeah, today was a good day. I picked up two extra days of tutoring at OMED...that was of course not the highlight of my day. I also went to the Def Poetry thing at our student center...that wasn't the highlight either. The highlight of my day was losing my check card and hurting Sean's feelings...no not really. I guess you could say one of the highlights of my day was admitting my guilt and getting him to smile. That would be fair to see. With each little disagreement or miscommunication, it seems like we are resolving things quicker and quicker, so it's great and we're not losing sight of our focus, God. Our relationship is just a daily inspiration in my life. Praise God my small group is on its 10th day of Purpose Driven Life and I know He is doing amazing things in our lives. I'm just a happy chick in spite of some aspects of being a PL. Thank God I will be a CA next year though. That's a blessing. I don't think I can balance PL and school another year. I'm barely making it now :o) I hope my residents will forgive me for my lack of PL attention. I'm just trying to survive up in here...lol. But anyways a few minutes ago someone decided to yell cock-a-doodle-do! in the hallway at 1:30 in the morning. I don't underestimate freshman at all, so I kinda expect better out of my girls. Oh well, there's not much I can do about that besides write up a report about it. My hall director can take more action though so I'm glad about that. We have so many great girls on our floor that I feel bad about having the meeting we had on Monday, but it was necessary... I guess I don't feel bad. My job is to protect the housing needs and safety of my residents and that's what I believe I did. I'm going to start writing my paper for my media class soo...good night.

Posted on 2.10.2005 at 12:34 AM

Lagniappe

Lagniappe [it's American French, look it up]

Jazzy and French-descended the scent of
beignets and red beans creates ambience.
Pot holes lie on one way streets waiting for
their next motorized victims.
These, my roots, the tether that snaps me back
when I’ve gone too far away.
How can I forget afternoons on the porch and tire swings?
Snowball stands in sizzling summers remain.
A little girl there waits with her weekend bag in an
old white shotgun house that is now a preschool.
Dad is picking her up from school this Friday.
Last weekend she stayed at home with Mom.
Chain-linked fences line the broken sidewalks of flat,
dingy concrete streets that bear names like Marigny and Elysian Fields.
Lawns streaked with oak tree roots
that have grown above ground and taken over
remind me of my beginnings.
The first five years were so hazy and I am left with the remnant,
a ghost existence in a distant city that is somehow close to my heart,
a city where you can eat good 24 hours and 7 days.
“Baby” is the term of endearment everyone answers to.
Where windows and doors appear beautiful with intricate iron patterns,
but are only used to deter the effects of the high crime rate.
I remember gumbo boiling,
the cool leathery smell of “Muh’ Dear’s” house,
and the way the door from the garage to the back hallway CHANG'd brassily.
Manila-colored tile lined the floors.
We were spanked at school with wooden rods
from the window shades.
The tub in Ms. Mitchell’s house had porcelain feet.
Oh I love the old oaks that line the neutral ground of St. Charles Avenue,
the graceful antebellum houses complete with parlors,
Queen Anne furniture and painted in Easter colors with white trim.
The city is Gumbo: the roux, its history, the ingredients, its people.
I have history there. A little girl with divorced parents
who used to live on Adams Street in a yellow duplex with her mom
thinking that parents in separate houses was natural.

C.M.

Posted on 2.2.2005 at 1:31 AM