Why is it so hard to let go? Why can't I just be happy that they're happy? It's not like I didn't feel like they'd end up together for crying out loud, I spoke it. What is this stupid, wrong desire to not want your ex to be happy? It's stupid. It's not God-like at all. It's downright sinful.
How am I just going to fall to pieces after seeing them together? I KNEW they were together for a while. I felt that. Why am I so upset now? I just want to be together with someone... it has nothing to do with him... or her. I'm happy that they're together. God obviously designed their relationship. I mean if it's God's plan then what's the big idea? How dare I sit up and trip, even though I feel overlooked... but what have I done to yield myself to being prepared for being with who God has for me? Nothing. I'm so pathetic. I must rebuke these selfish thoughts and get past this and let it all go for once and for all, so that I can be free.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
the key
So... the key to happiness is gratefulness? Contentment IS happiness? How do I all of a sudden be content with where I am, who I have and what I have though? Ask God to make me aware of what He has done and continually does in my life.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Nappyversary... Yes, that's what I said.
So, earlier today (which was January 15) was my Nappyversary... the day I chopped off my relaxed hair and went completely natural (not to mention nappy). As I've said before, January 15th just happened to be the date I went. I didn't intentionally choose Dr. King's birthday, but I like the coincidence. I think that he would have supported my decision to go natural and be me. :o)
Looking Back...
At lot has changed with my hair since last January for sure.
It's much longer, although not ponytail length. By the grace of God, as the year progressed I became quite good at styling my hair with the twists and twist outs and figuring out the appropriate products to use. I've loved the experience. I even loved what I had to go through to get to where my hair is currently... even trying to always have a wrap that coordinated with my outfit and looking a hot mess anyway,despite my efforts.
Changes
When I was in Atlanta last year up until the past summer, playing and basically taking a break from intense school work and having fun with my friends... I had the time to devote to self styling my hair. However, once I moved to Tallahassee and the sh*t basically hit the fan and reality came crashing down on me, I realized that I needed a stylist, because I didn't have the time or energy to devote hours to hairstyling any more.
At the suggestion of one of my supervisors, I checked out Cassinova's Salon where, by chance, I got linked up with Free, a stylist certified to do natural hair. When I first went to her she asked me if I had considered locking my hair, because my coil pattern was so tight and consistent. I was like nah... can't do that. I got cornrows styled up into a ponytail so that I could wear and afro puff piece. (Hey don't laugh. I was trying something different.) My goodness, I felt so self conscious with that thing pinned on. I went swimming with it the day after I got it and refused to let my head get anywhere near the water. I was nervous about gusts of wind, even though I had like 20 pins in it to make sure it was firmly attached. After that I went to Free and got my hair done in two strand twists.
I loved the look. It was very neat and streamlined... got me thinking about dreadlocks, which I had thought about before, but I was like nah, nah... I told dad I wouldn't. I kept on styling it with the Afro puff as the focal point. Then I went to Tuskegee's Homecoming and did giant twists so that I could do a twist out. I hadn't done a twist out with twists so big before. The first night worked like a charm,the next day (after re-twisting them to sleep and then untwisting)... it was a HOT mess. Hair going in every direction. For some reason girls kept coming up to me saying that my hair looked cute, but they were either being nice or mocking me but I held my head up high and managed to put it behind a cloth band for the step show later that night.
I had a lot of fun at Tuskegee and someone inspired me to lock my hair, so literally days later I was at Free's getting starter locks on November 7 (my patna's birthday). I want black Barbie hair now... and the only way for my hair to get as long as I want it to be is to lock it. Plus, I appreciate the smooth lines of well-kept locks.
Since my hair is so 'tight' it's beginning to lock fast. I wear hats more often now because my scalp gets cold... Before I had plenty of hair blocking my scalp so that's a big, yet welcome, change for me.
Attitudes
So, unlike I had predicted, my dad did not have a cow when I told him that I was locking my hair. Even though we had previously agreed that I was not locking my hair, he took it all in stride. I'm so proud of the progress he's made in his attitude towards my hair. It's grown on him and he thought that my fluffy naps (when styled) were cute and and he EVEN likes the locks. In fact, I think he likes the locks better because they are neater. I think my mom and sister (younger one) are about the same towards my hair, mostly accepting of it and just going with whatever flow I'm on.
The Future
I'm still very happy that I decided to cut my hair and rise to the I'm looking forward to seeing how my hair looks when it locks up and all the things I will be able to do with it. Sometimes I contemplate about returning to a perm because I feel like people make particular judgments on the kind of person I am based on my hair... the selection of men has DEFINITELY changed. Even so, I'm going to stick to keeping my hair the way it makes me happy and Mr. Him, whomever he is, will fall into step and appreciate it.
Looking Back...
At lot has changed with my hair since last January for sure.
It's much longer, although not ponytail length. By the grace of God, as the year progressed I became quite good at styling my hair with the twists and twist outs and figuring out the appropriate products to use. I've loved the experience. I even loved what I had to go through to get to where my hair is currently... even trying to always have a wrap that coordinated with my outfit and looking a hot mess anyway,despite my efforts.
Changes
When I was in Atlanta last year up until the past summer, playing and basically taking a break from intense school work and having fun with my friends... I had the time to devote to self styling my hair. However, once I moved to Tallahassee and the sh*t basically hit the fan and reality came crashing down on me, I realized that I needed a stylist, because I didn't have the time or energy to devote hours to hairstyling any more.
At the suggestion of one of my supervisors, I checked out Cassinova's Salon where, by chance, I got linked up with Free, a stylist certified to do natural hair. When I first went to her she asked me if I had considered locking my hair, because my coil pattern was so tight and consistent. I was like nah... can't do that. I got cornrows styled up into a ponytail so that I could wear and afro puff piece. (Hey don't laugh. I was trying something different.) My goodness, I felt so self conscious with that thing pinned on. I went swimming with it the day after I got it and refused to let my head get anywhere near the water. I was nervous about gusts of wind, even though I had like 20 pins in it to make sure it was firmly attached. After that I went to Free and got my hair done in two strand twists.
I loved the look. It was very neat and streamlined... got me thinking about dreadlocks, which I had thought about before, but I was like nah, nah... I told dad I wouldn't. I kept on styling it with the Afro puff as the focal point. Then I went to Tuskegee's Homecoming and did giant twists so that I could do a twist out. I hadn't done a twist out with twists so big before. The first night worked like a charm,the next day (after re-twisting them to sleep and then untwisting)... it was a HOT mess. Hair going in every direction. For some reason girls kept coming up to me saying that my hair looked cute, but they were either being nice or mocking me but I held my head up high and managed to put it behind a cloth band for the step show later that night.
I had a lot of fun at Tuskegee and someone inspired me to lock my hair, so literally days later I was at Free's getting starter locks on November 7 (my patna's birthday). I want black Barbie hair now... and the only way for my hair to get as long as I want it to be is to lock it. Plus, I appreciate the smooth lines of well-kept locks.
Since my hair is so 'tight' it's beginning to lock fast. I wear hats more often now because my scalp gets cold... Before I had plenty of hair blocking my scalp so that's a big, yet welcome, change for me.
Attitudes
So, unlike I had predicted, my dad did not have a cow when I told him that I was locking my hair. Even though we had previously agreed that I was not locking my hair, he took it all in stride. I'm so proud of the progress he's made in his attitude towards my hair. It's grown on him and he thought that my fluffy naps (when styled) were cute and and he EVEN likes the locks. In fact, I think he likes the locks better because they are neater. I think my mom and sister (younger one) are about the same towards my hair, mostly accepting of it and just going with whatever flow I'm on.
The Future
I'm still very happy that I decided to cut my hair and rise to the I'm looking forward to seeing how my hair looks when it locks up and all the things I will be able to do with it. Sometimes I contemplate about returning to a perm because I feel like people make particular judgments on the kind of person I am based on my hair... the selection of men has DEFINITELY changed. Even so, I'm going to stick to keeping my hair the way it makes me happy and Mr. Him, whomever he is, will fall into step and appreciate it.
Monday, January 14, 2008
just another dude
Just another one like all the other ones are you? Right when I thought the monotony would stop. It wouldn't matter if you were a special dude or just another dude now though, because everyone just turns into the next dude anyway.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
the continuation
...And I did hear from him this morning. I don't think he could tell that I had been asleep, or maybe. Yeah I guess he did acknowledge it because I said something about how I needed to wake up. So... there is sooooo much I need to learn about him and his beliefs. My research of his name and family restaurants have brought me to http://www.kingdomofyah.com/index.html. So is he an African Hebrew Israelite... or linked to that whole thing? If so, the way I feel about that is that we should strictly be friends because it sounds like a cult to me, but what does God want me to do.
magic
I was taken aback by the way he grabbed my hand as I tried to remain steady on my own, so I shook it away. This was not something unusual for me to do. Guys grab my hand all the time, it's unsolicited, and I shake my hand free... and I don't feel bad about it. For some reason, though, I felt compelled to catch up with him and apologize. I'm not sure why I felt like I should make amends. Maybe I didn't want him to think I was some stuck up, haughty person. Even so, when I began to apologize it began the rest of the night. We skated together and talked. Skating together was fun, and he skates well... but I'm not sure that you can call what I was doing skating. It was more like rolling. I had to be boring him to death with my non adventurous skating.
As soon as I got to skating I was telling Ms. V that skating was going to be my new hobby and that I was going to buy skates. Before that, earlier in the day I had told Cic that I really needed a hobby... well there you have it. Maybe I will hear from Mr. A. R. soon.
As soon as I got to skating I was telling Ms. V that skating was going to be my new hobby and that I was going to buy skates. Before that, earlier in the day I had told Cic that I really needed a hobby... well there you have it. Maybe I will hear from Mr. A. R. soon.
Friday, January 11, 2008
the hour I first believed
Believe all or none of it. You can't just be on board and only believe part of it. You have to buy into it completely. Choose to believe. Let go.
Enough of this
Enough of this... I'm just ready to be who I am. Why is it so hard to live in and be content with the present though? That's what I will pray for, that I can live for the present and hope for the future without creating my own God-absent vision of what it should/could be like. If his word is a lamp unto my feet I shouldn't be making up what He has yet to reveal to me. Not thinking very far ahead is difficult for me though. I'm a visionary. I like to think far into the future and consider what is and what could be, but I guess that's hurting me know... because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)