A Year

So it's been a year(I wasted it) and yesterday it was clearer than ever that our lives have nothing to do with each other. I think I've finally managed to move on. I've licked my wounds a lot and I'm glad that you seem to be doing well. One day I hope I'll feel as complete as I did with you, or even more so. For now I'll be patient and try to remain sensitve to God's voice on my life.
Posted on 6.29.2006 at 2:52 AM

Stuck up and Prissy

I'll admit to being prissy, but stuck up is just not a adjective that one uses toward a friend no matter how pissed they are. Prissy speaks to my being meticulous and finicky. I know what I want, but that doesn't mean I'm conceited or think I'm better than others... or that I'm materialistic. Yes, I like to be comfortable but I'd rather date a dude with no car and a big heart than an asshole with a Lexus. I don't choose men on the basis of their financial credentials but I'm sorry, education is a must... actually naw, I'm not apologizing for having standards. Forget that. It would be safe to say that I haven't been this mad in a few years after being personally attacked by someone I thought had my back. I'm trying to get over it because I know that friends tend to hurt each other, but damn.
Posted on 6.28.2006 at 3:11 PM

99

So God blessed the HECK outta me and I got a 99 on my presentation that I stayed up all night to work on. With all the times He's bailed me out and blessed me fourfold why in the WORLD does my faith waiver?! Humans be trippin don't we... all stressed out for ultimately nothin.

I got my new phone yesterday FINALLY. I stayed an extra day in Augusta with the fam too. It was nice. Me my sis and cousins made pillows...well, I didnt actually make one but I organized the project and helped everyone else get started on theirs. They are all 8-15 years younger than me. I went to visit SB when I got back to the A. Surprisingly I made it to the English class this morning for 8am cuz I was REALLY tired and I got back at like 1am-ish. Now I'm at work and procrastinating. I really need to go to the gym today but I know I'm not going to feel like it . Maybe Mika's going so that we can go tonight when no one is in there cuz that would be nice.Well I just called her and she apparently had been sleepin extra hard. Oh well. I'll talk to her later.

oh yeah I just wanted to say... VERIZON wireless... you SUCK!!! A bunch of crooks. My USB cord better allow me to get free ringtones on my phone since yall won't accept them via email. Don't get verizon yall if you're broke like me. I've been considering Cingular, but in the 2 years before I can switch Cingular will probably suck too.

Leave me a message. I need ringtone suggestions. I refuse to be stuck only with the ringtones this phone has.

Posted on 6.28.2005 at 11:52 AM

Things are on the up and up right about now. Today I think class went fabulously well. I like that I'm already at the point where I'm not really nervous in front of the students anymore. I just have to handle business. I really like my students too. I hope they like me. I hate that I have to give them so much work to do, but in the long run it really is in their best interest. I admire them for coming to the challenge program actually, because the theme of my last summer before college was definitely CHILL. I wasn't trying to be about the books because that's what the semester was going to be for... but anyways...

I'm starting to learn how valuable my time is, not in the 'time is money' kind of way though. Each moment I spend is an investment in something. Each person I spend time with, I'm investing in them. So I've been thinking, what kind of investments am I making? Am I investing purely in my own desires or am I investing in God's kingdom? I think I'm definitely doing a lot of the first one. I've definitely decided to stop wasting my time on people that I probably shouldn't invest in... that would account for the folk I've dropped recently. I hate to say it but some other people are moving towards disqualification with me. I know you shouldn't give up on people, but there's only so much of you that you have to invest in others so why do it when it's not meaningful? Now I'm a lot more picky regarding who I share my time with, especially upon first meeting... especially when dealing with the opposite sex. I just don't have the time to evaluate everyone's case thoroughly so if the initial vibe I get from you is a bad one then the situation is a no go.

Enough of this journal entry tho, peace.
Posted on 6.28.2006 at 11:37 AM

Jus one of those times...

Have you ever just wanted to blend in with your surroundings or disappear to somewhere for a while until you get it together? Whoever was the first to say that life comes at you fast really understood. It's not that I'm struggling with the post college transition. I've been able to handle the bills that have come at, but emotionally I'm dealing with some really heavy sh*t. There's really no nice way to say it. I'm really pissed at and deeply hurt by some people, so I've decided they are no longer a part of my life. I guess that's good to an extent. You shouldn't keep ties with people that cause you pain if walking away is an option. Too bad I can't walk away physically, but my educational plans are more important than any other crucialness I have going on. It's positive tho that before all of this came up on me I had begun talking to God daily, multiple times a day like for real. That's never been the situation so if I can use 'happy' to accurately describe how I've felt at anytime during this recent stint I could say I'm happy about that. Other than that I feel like a mess. I'm losing weight because I really don't eat a whole lot and when I do it's not good for me... so that leads to me being easily fatigued which I hope won't translate over much to the class that I'm teaching that I began today (technically yesterday). I wonder sometimes if I can do it, but God doesn't make mistakes. He didn't just put me in that position to fail. I'm not saying that no one ever fails but I do understand that a little adversity leads to growth and He's getting my feet wet... more like throwing me in. My back's really up against the wall and I have no fight of my own left. Maybe I'm dying.
Posted on 6.27.2006 at 12:53 AM

Moving Day

So um, yeah... I just finished about 50 trips to and from my car to move officially to my new apartment. There's a sense of finality in it, like I won't ever live in my parents' home again probably. I spent most of the summer here and now it's time for me to live and do the adult thing (with training wheels of course). Honestly, I'm not looking forward to teaching next week because I really needed more time to prepare. On Tuesday of this week I found out that one of the big wigs in the program had DECIDED that the students should read this 480 pg book that I've never read or heard of... not to mention I've never taught a class before. On the other hand, I refuse to become really stressed abt this class. I will do my best and we'll see what happens. If I try to fight the book thing instead of going with the flow it will only lead to headache for me and my students.

I get my bed from Ikea delivered tomorrow, and I'm also going up there to buy a TV stand and bedside table. That's going to be a lot of stuff to put together, so I'm glad I like stuff like that. I managed to get over the whole Ikea way of doing things. Picking up the pieces of my bed wasn't THAT bad... though I wasn't really picking anything up I was more like watching and barely helping because I was being kinda prissy. I mean, who wears a skirt when they know they are going to be handling heavy things? Me. Thanks MSL for putting up with my lack of planning, disrespect for time and unhelpfulness. You certainly helped me a whole lot, blessing-like. Tomorrow I'm making the Ikea trip alone. Hopefully they will have the two items I need and I can get in and get out BEFORE the time window in which my bed is supposed to be delivered. Now I'm really glad I didn't sign up to have the bed delivered from 4 to 8 because I'm sure that I will want to have gotten the hell out of there by the time 4pm or so rolls around. It feels like a lot of my blessings currently are mixed because I'm facing a bit of adversity (I'm not used to that). I guess there's nothing to do here but grow. You can pray for me that I'll be faithful and not try to do all of this without soliciting God's help and strength and guidance. Also, I'm in a situation right now where I need discernment of character. I guess the fact that I feel that way though should tell me a little something. Here's a praise. It will have been one year as of next Thursday since my life fell apart... or at least that's what I once thought. I like the place God has lead me to for this moment, but I'm not interested in staying put here forever.
Posted on 6.24.2006 at 4:56 AM

See this is why...

This is why I'm so closed and I don't trust. I'm sooo disappointed right now I can barely speak of it. I'm frustrated and pissed... afraid, confused. Life has definitely been a rollercoaster recently. I'm sick of it. Hell, I'm just sick. Sometimes I feel like maybe if I never care I won't get hurt. I know that's not true but sometimes I feel like it would be better than this.
Posted on 6.22.2006 at 10:33 PM

valleys

Ever had one of those evenings that just made you want to crawl into a ball or go find a hiding place? I keep wanting to flee from what my life is changing into. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel I don't have space to breathe. I seriously feel like the walls are closing in on me. I can't wait until I officially move. Family is really a blessing, but it's a blessing to be able to quit the company of family when you want to. I don't think that I've been alone at all (except for when I was sleeping) for an entire week. I will reiterate tho, family is a blessing... I'd rather have them all up in my face than to not have them around at all. Moments like this I just want to go drive and pray and think, and I can't do that in my father's house... I'm feelin too low to even write right now so this is it.
Posted on 6.18.2006 at 11:32 PM

leaving Destin

An avg of 38 views a day? Wow, who is reading my journal. That's cool tho. I'm thinkin it's summer, and people are bored enough to read about my life, which can't be much less boring than theirs I'm thinking. Maybe everyone's life is interesting to someone else... but that's not why I do this. After I write I'm less stressed about things. Recently a theme of my life has been keeping in touch with people. I'm sooo bad at that if it's not via AIM. I reallllly need to get that together. I think that will need to be a well-developed part of my adult life but I must also realize that some friendships and aquaintances will naturally fall away. I guess they pan themselves out. You really can't be tightly intimate with more than like 3 people at a time. When I say that, I mean like so close you communicate multiple times a week, or day. There are people I know I'm tight with that I only talk to like every other month... that's why I know I have to do better. Back to my point about being tight with 3 people... the older I get a relationship with a fiance or husband (we hope) is going to cause some of my tighter friendships to take a backseat. If you mingle that with long distance and friends who have their own families you do end up being closer to those who see you on a more daily or weekly basis. My mom's best friend for life lives abt 4 or 5 hours away and they probably talk monthly unless some drama happens, but you know they are tight forever. However, due to circumstances my mom has another 'best friend' more like sister in her vicinity that she seems more tight with. They're thick as theives cuz it takes less effort to be around each other I think... and because Ms. Tina is a really great person of course. My point is that life just happens like that. It's up to me to preserve and water my friendships long-distance or close up that I feel are worth keeping. If I'm calling that's letting someone know that I actually do value our connection. See, that's why I need to pick up the phone. I just loathe the phone so much. It's so easy to not understand what a person is saying if you're not used to being around them... but I haven't stuck around long enough to see whether or not phone conversations get better when you speak on the phone to a person more often. I'd say I had seen that when I talk to my sis in New Orleans but I think her accent is a lil less prominent now. Even so, I will stop being selfish and I will call those people I think about and never call... maybe not thinking about a person is a sign that they shouldn't be apart of my life again, lol.... I'm making a list of the people I need to keep in touch with right now....

So anyway, we're leaving Destin. Pika and I were not able to dodge waves very hard today because the water was full of algae EWWWW... and huge clumps of seaweed making it very unpleasant, ick. I just couldn't do it. I'm glad we were out there for a long time yesterday. I'm so dark now if I ever had house negro status in the first place... it is completely revoked. I have to get used to this skin tone, but I must say I like this sunkissed me.... I wore sunblock tho cuz I dont' want to age prematurely, get skin cancer, or sunburn. I know to think that I'll sunburn may sound a little crazy, but I refused to go to the beach around high noon and the first couple of days that I made it out there at around 1pm my face started to burn (with sunblock!) so I was like aww hell. My dad who is yellow made fun of me (I'm brownskinned, I think I'm the color of a pecan shell pre-tan in case you are reading this and have absolutely no idea what I look like) for thinking that my face was burning, but it really was and I dont do the peely face thing, so I came out of the sun. I didn't burn yesterday though. That's when I got tan for real. I'm quite a few shades darker now. I don't know how to describe my coloring but I do think it's quite nice.

My stay at the beach has been one of the best, but I must say it was missing homegirls (I needed someone to talk to about random stuff besides my baby sis and mom) and hot guys (where WERE they?!). Next time I come to the beach it will have to be a group trip of males and females my age.... and I would like to actually be in the caribbean with a constant light flow of alcohol in my system. :) jus CHILLin. It's fun to dream... sometimes they become reality so I'll hold on to this one.

If anyone wants to help me by providing a pick up truck or large vehicle to transport furniture pieces from ikea and/or (help me) put my ikea stuff together sometime this week or weekend feel free to holla at me: email or private message on easyjournal.
Posted on 6.18.2006 at 4:00 AM

Coppertone

So, I'm officially tanned... like for real now you can tell I'm at/went to the beach. There's no question. It's cool cuz I have two more days left of beach fun if you count today. Last night we went to Bonefish Grill for dinner, it was good but I do think I should have ordered something other than what I had. I'm having fun at the beach, but it would be more fun with homegirls or a boyfriend I think. Yesterday this lady thought I was 15... I'm 22 dammit. Of course though, if you already look young and you're vacationing with your parents and younger sister people are going to think that you're young. It's crazy though because that means she thought I was only 2 years older than my sis Gabby who is actually 9 years younger than me. I'll be upset when/if people start assuming I'm older than I really am though so I'll chill. I haven't seen any fine guys at Destin at all, but I did come here to vacation so maybe its best that there aren't any guys in this backdrop to further complicate my life. I have enough complications as it is and some tough decisions I need to make soon before things get ugly. There is so much to think about, God and I are going to have to have some conversations because I need to know what to do. I'm not interested in stepping in the wrong direction anymore. Some things are looking up though, like I'll be employed next month but its negative a little too because it's only for July, lol. There were these jobs at Ga State that I didnt apply for because I realized that a full-time job was NOT going to do it, at all. I am wondering now if I should fix my schedule so that I'll only have class Monday and Tuesday instead of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday but I think it would be wise for me to leave it like it is since this isn't undergrad and having classes so close together might be difficult for me in terms of completing my work. I'm excited about school now though, just maybe not about transportation to school. MARTA, really? I'm not above MARTA but last week was the first day I had ridden it alone, which may sound bad to you but it is close quarters with a lot of people you really don't know at all... sigh... and then it just feels really nasty like they seldom clean it, and the smell. I hate to say it, but ewww. On the other hand, you gotta do what you gotta do. MARTA would save soooo much on gas, esp if I work during the day at Ga State for GRA positions, which I hope to do. I'm excited about only having to take care of myself right now. It would be nice to have a husband to take care of me, especially financially right now, but in the end he'd be someone else I need to take care of while now I just need to focus on school and getting out of there as fast as I can! I feel like it won't end soon enough and I haven't even started yet!!! Five years sounds like such a long time, but I know it will be worth it to become Dr. Me... so much can happen in that amount of time though. Look how much has happened in the nearly 3 years I've had this online journal and 5 years is nearly twice that. I'm freaking myself out by even thinking about it. So much so much so much on my mind I jus can't recline. That's why I'm still awake (I'm bout to go to sleep now) but I'm just thinkin thinkin thinkin about things. I still don't have a bed for the apt, How can I get all that mess from Ikea, who is gonna help me assemble it all, etc., etc.... just driving myself crazy when I know that things are going to work out in the best way for me (at least in the long run). They always do and I should be at peace with that by now but the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to not be a control freak, esp when things affect me so closely most of the time. AHHHH!!!!! ok, enough thinking. I'm going to bed now.
Posted on 6.16.2006 at 5:32 AM

...meanwhile my first love...

Hmm... how do I put this? I saw my first love this past weekend... or childhood sweetheart you could say. See, with him it was the classic situation where you are young and have this really close friend who has a slightly older sibling that you admire, especially as you both get older. With the end of middle school the whole 'liking' situation turned into this whole chemistry thing where we were at each other's throats a lot, like he would make fun of me and stuff. This might sound somewhat masochistic but I liked it, because I understood that he was really good at being a pain end even so I definitely had a weakness for him. The fall of my freshman year of HS we acknowledged that we liked each other and 'dated' long distance for a couple of months (I remember the exact dates) and that of course ended.I saw him during the fall of my junior year and even though I was in a relationship at the time, I found him irresistable so I probably fought that feeling by trying to be mean and push him away... on all levels.

Then I didn't see him again until the summer after I graduated from high school(2002)... while I was walking down the Va.Beach strip with a friend. I was in VA for a friend's wedding. Anyway, I didn't expect to see him right, and I looked over to some storefront, and there he was. This may sound melodramatic...but... when I saw him it was like my heart jumped into my freaking throat and I don't know if I played it cool, but I didn't know how to act.

After that, I didn't see him again until... well, let me explain. So I'm leavin the movies this past Friday and he calls me talkin about he's in Aiken [he's also slizzard so we have a weird conversation]. I was actually in ATL but I was driving home Saturday, and home is fairly close to Aiken. So... I call him when I'm on my way home, we play phone tag a bit and he ends up coming to visit Saturday night. I was so nervous about seeing him, mad that my hair was all wrapped up like some neo soul nubian artist chick instead of permed and fluffy. I hadn't seen him in 4 whole years so I didn't know if I was gonna be comfortable around him or what (My eyes and body generally have to re-warm up to being around a person when I haven't seen them in years.) He gets to the house and I go outside to meet him... weird... he looks about the same. I don't hug him, we walk into the house. From there he and my parents dominate conversation (he knows them too of course, knew my stepdad before he married my mom). I sit there like a mouse, eat my curry chicken from earlier that day and just watch him. By the time he and my parents are done blabbing I'm still a lil chilly about being around him but the initial chill is gone and I'm on my way to being my normal self... still quiet though. We talked about a lot of things quite easily, life and beliefs, adult questions and answers we've found so far. He's changed in a good way, still himself but mature... i'mpressive actually.

While we're talking, I'm thinking "wow. this is really natural." because there are things about me that he just 'gets.' I know I've been understood before but I had forgotten what this was like... easy conversation backed with a 16-year friendship and familiarity, a history, a large part of my coming-of-age experience. At any rate, no matter how I felt I betrayed myself by being as stoic as possible without being weird. I restricted my display of emotion to the following instances: giving him my ONLY beef patty (hadn't had one in 6 months or so, and I had seriously planned to eat that one), trying to keep him there as long as possible (to the point of indirectly saying that he could sleep at our house if he needed to), lingering in the goodbye hug (I'm not a big hugger, really), telling him to let me know when he made it to wherever he was staying (I usually assume that people will be ok).

Maybe I was crazy to be so self-contained and restrained in my display of feelings and thoughts, but I was being my normal control freak self. I like to avoid situations in my life that lead to likely disappointment so there was NO way I was going to address what was underlying the circumstance for me. Hopefully I won't kick myself in the ass about it 30 years from now when I realize that maybe my life could have ended up differently had I said something, but that's the stuff that movies are made of, not my life. If things are meant to happen a certain way (God's way) they will, and I can be at peace about that. Part of why I didn't say anything also is that I recognize the truth that there is a time for everything. If God has said anything louder or more prominent to me right now it's that this is not that season of my life where I find a significant other (other than Jesus) and transition into holy matrimony. In the meantime it's up to me to figure out what I should be doing specifically to be ready for when that season arises. For now I'll just go with the flow and try to stir up as little emotionally as possible. Some antique doors just aren't meant for re-opening right now but that doesn't mean that it will always be like that.

...sigh... maybe my life isn't a movie, but it might be a bit of a novel.

here's the poem i wrote after he left:

::UNfinished::

Everytime
we reacquaint
I find myself
reaching to extend
the time.
You don't have to leave for food
I'll fix you something,
give you mine.
Sleepy?
Take a nap here,
I'll even watch you sleep,
but please don't leave.
Because half
a decade is too long,
and a few hrs,
too short.
My heart toward you,
is now a desert
in a sandstorm.
Will it settle again?
Posted on 6.14.2006 at 5:16 AM

Day 2

So, I've been here in Destin, FL for a couple of days... It's been cool. The place at which we're staying is very nice and spacious. My family's been cool, except my dad has been fussing about the computer, but I have important things to monitor, like my job with challenge and my registration for grad school... plus I love to blog, so this is vacation for me. Being on the computer is less consuming than being engrossed in a book when you are trying to have family time... like my mom has been. They bought me some vodka and cran for when we go to the beach. I haven't really spent a lot of time at the beach though. I woulda been there longer today, however, after I was out there for about 5 minutes, my face started to burn... eww. I thought I was cool and didnt need sunblock. My step dad who is yellow thought I was BSin when I said I was getting sunburnt. Even so, I left the beach anyway to take care of my sun scorched hair and body. So I pampered my body with lotion and my hair with conditioner so I wouldn't be crispy and crunchy with brittle hair. Call me high maintenance, but I like take care of myself.

Something interesting happened this weekend. I wrote a poem about it. I may blog about it, but I haven't decided if I'm going to talk about it on here at all, or just write the abbreviated version on here and go in-depth on my other blog. I'm going to stop writing now, because I believe we are going to eat.

ciao.
Posted on 6.13.2006 at 6:22 PM

apts and things

So um, I did find an apartment in a great location... it almost even feels like it's a resort... except for the fact that we have no furniture in the apartment: an exercise ball and a dish chair, seriously? No bed for me, what is the deal here? I won't be sleeping on the floor for long though, I hope. I haven't found a bed I REALLY like, except for the one at IKEA but I find it ludicrous that I have to go pick the pieces of my queen sized bed out of a store room and drag it to a counter to pay for it... and on top of all that, put it together myself?! Let's be real here. I'm broke and all, but sometimes paying the extra money is well worth it.

I went to my grad school orientation at gsu on friday.... I'll talk abt that later.

(This journal should actually say it was written around 5am 6.11.2006, but I've posted it later due to travel and things.)
Posted on 6.11.2006 at 1:39 AM

Unfinished

Everytime
we reacquaint
I find myself
reaching to extend
the time.
You don't have to leave for food
I'll fix you something,
give you mine.
Sleepy?
Take a nap here,
I'll even watch you sleep,
but please don't leave.
Because half
a decade is too long,
and a few hrs,
too short.
My heart toward you,
is now a desert
in a sandstorm.
Will it settle again?

I'm like a newborn for a couple of reasons

I don't sleep completely through the night. I get in the bed around 11:30pm, I wake up at 3:00am.... I get in bed at 1 or 2am and I'm awake by 4 or 5am. I prayed to no longer have the ability to sleep ALL day, but I wasn't talking about not sleeping at all. The morning IS nice though, and I haven't been acquainted with it during the past 4 years. With this waking up thing being the new routine, I get up and do research on scholarships and other monies for the upcoming year. I'm pretty sure I should be reading the Word or something as well, or most importantly. I'll get there. I'll start today... after this entry. Part of my not sleeping could be that I'm stressed as HECK right now. I've started getting migraines. That started this previous school year, but now I'm able to put a finger on it. I don't know how to live with so much uncertainty. I guess this is me struggling... or on the brink of it. I was wondering when my first real adult struggle was going to come, and I'm thinking here it is. God is like, "You been chillin long enough thinkin you don't need me or that I won't provide, so man up your faith now because you're about to need it." I can't afford to sink in this endeavor. So much is riding on the next 3 to 5 years of my life. My parents are headed for financial hardship to help provide for me until I can do better for myself... AHHH!... and I'm at home now feeling trapped. Part of my feeling trapped-ness is that I have little financial power right now and that's tripping me out. My job for July may have been given away as well. I had to drop the whole heartbroken thing, get a grip and face the issues at hand. I don't have time to be thinking I'm sad about other facets of my life when I'm moving into an apartment with little more than a sleeping bag and my tv. I'm wondering how am I going to live alone in a place that's nothing like a living space. I thank God for the means for even getting a nice place like it, but I'm not going to want to stay there until I at least get my bedroom furnished.... ok, enough whining for me. I'ma pull out my Bible now and seek encouragement and pray while I'm at it.
Posted on 6.6.2006 at 7:08 AM

Baggage Claim Part 1: Put Your Back Into It

You’ve got to earn my affection. Put your back into it before we get this show on the road.
Don’t make me lose all my self respect. I ain’t desperate yet, so come on now.
Stop actin’ out, and act like you know.
-Amel Larrieux "Earn My Affection"

Baggage Claim
Part 1: Put Your Back Into it

Spare your
canned pet names
and calculated gestures.
My ears are full.
Your insincere affection
makes me queasy.
I never asked for it.
Unfelt, I could go without.
I'm not impressed.
You think I'm easy
to get to.

Did you look
or are you just
nearsighted?
When will you notice
I'm not that chick?

You know the one
that doesn't need
the the effort
of a phone call returned
or depth seeing past carnal chemistry.
One that cherishes
every word you say
without a closer look.
One that you get
wrapped quickly around your little finger
when you know damn well
it should be the other way around
(at least for a little while).
She'll accept what comes
or what doesn't,
but will never feel truly wanted.
She'll stay
Believing she can't do better,
afraid to be alone.

Are you nearsighted...

I'm not looking for a warm body
(Plenty others are willing
to be just that)
and pseudo-emotion
isn't my thing.

I'm not that chick...

I'd sooner be just me,
doin better than fine.
I want to cater 2 u
but not until you take the lead.
Seek me
Want ME
Stop sitting on the bench,
you're losing miserably.
Actions speak louder,
and right now
all I’m hearing
is nothing.

poem mini-series

Ok, so... I have this current situation that I've decided to address through poetry. The series is called Baggage Claim... that title has multidimensional significance to the situation. I just wrote the first installment. I don't know when the others will come, but there will be at least three altogether... I'm thinking. Hopefully you will find them to be good... or if not good, at least easy to identify with.

Ciao.

wtf?!

So after not being sick ever for about 3.5 years... I have freaking strep throat. I felt like crap today and mom forced me to go to the doctor and see what was wrong with me. When I came back from the doctor's office and took my medicine I felt like I was about to DIE seriously. It took me forever to fall asleep. I woke up about 9hrs later... 9pm. Took a shower and then made a phone call I had been looking forward to making all day... only for it to not happen. That's cool though because maybe I shouldn't be doing a whole lot of talking right now... or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I bought Amel Larrieux's new CD "Morning" today. I love it, but I am weird so maybe you have to be weird as well to appreciate it as much as I do. Listening to some of the songs I'm hearing similar situations and feelings that I've been through.

After thinking sooooo much this weekend and having the experiences I had, I finally concluded that sometimes you really have to just release things and not look back... especially when the situation continues to be hurtful. So aside from maybe a few more poems, I won't speak on my particular situation again. I can't even call it my situation anymore because I'm stepping out of it. I can't continue to stick my neck out and shoot myself in the foot repeatedly when it doesn't even matter. I'm moving on and letting whatever fall by the wayside. There's a point at which you have to realize you're being/have been stupid... and I was stupid to let this get this far, so no more words.
Posted on 6.2.2006 at 4:59 AM

weightLIFTED

No longer an asthmatic
when I face thoughts of you
I take in the fresh air
of possibilty.

I had scratched my own wound
repeatedly with expectations
and desires that would never
be realized.

But then I saw
that closure was a decision.

So now
I lift the anchor
and sail ahead
to beckoning waters.