God is talkin'. I best listen. If I'm talkin', I might miss Him. (thanks KORS)
Posted on 7.29.2005 at 2:35 AM

wrong side

Today is not merely a "wrong side of the bed type situation." No, today's problem is that I had to get out of bed at all. I stayed up until 5:30 this morning grading papers, so....if I appear to be a little "off" to you today, follow your intuition.
Posted on 7.28.2005 at 12:36 PM

for granted

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be who you probably needed me to be and that I didn't extend my heart to you like I should have. I've been doin a lot of hanging out lately and what not with mixed company... but no one is quite like you.
Posted on 7.27.2005 at 10:02 PM

It's about to get realer than real now...
Posted on 7.26.2005 at 5:07 AM

sigh

another day... i've been stupid in a particular area, so i to nip the stupidness in the bud starting today. i think that will work out so much better for me. it may not feel so now, but ultimately i know it will. yay, i'm going home tomorrow, well...today. i miss my family and i definitely need to see them, so this will be an important visit. the last time i saw my mom i was still dating Sean. i would have driven home tonight after the comedy show, but I am honestly too tired. my car is gassed up though and it only cost me $2.10 as opposed to the 2.37 it woulda cost me to get gas around the corner. what happened was, on my way back to ATL from church (in Cobb Co.) I noticed that the gas price was $2.10, so I had to make a decision... I decided not to let the price pass me by, so I pulled over. It took me a while to get my car situated to where it was close enough to the gas pump, but it's ok. I guess I had another gas pumping mishap too. The gas stopped pumping like my car was full, but I knew I hadn't put enough in to make my tank full. To be safe though, I completed the sale and then I got in to start my car. Clearly it was 3/4 full... again, the price was $2.10, so I went ahead and pumped the last 1/4 of a tank. I know some folk were probably trying to figure out if I was dumb...even though my car does have a huge Georgia Institute of Technology sticker on the back. Who really care though? I got what I needed. I'm really starting to care less what others think about my actions. I owe no one any explanation for how I act, not really anyway. I need to get over my shyness though. With practice and in due time that moment will come. I can't afford to be shy with the life I feel like I am going to lead in the future.
Posted on 7.23.2005 at 12:44 AM

Why did I have to burst into tears when I saw you? I was supposed to be ok. I'm not used to bein not ok, not feeling like I have any control...yet here I am, stuck.
Posted on 7.22.2005 at 12:24 AM

LaNdSLidE

Here's to the name above all names.
Here's to the Only One who Saves.
I will trust you Jesus I'll be brave...
Posted on 7.20.2005 at 3:42 PM

sickly

I can't believe this! I think I am getting sick...so what do I do? Of course, after finally finishing the exhaustive task of grading 38 million (divide that by a million) essays I choose to write a journal instead of go to bed... that's PROBABLY why I'm getting sick. I've been socially over-stimulated these past few weeks in contrast to the life I had lived for a year or so up until then. I'm reaching the uneasy truth that I've lost yet another best friend to break up and there isn't really anything I can do about it except for be accessible and open I guess. I'm happy for him, but at the same time it sucks...as I knew it would. I still know things are better this way...at least for him and deep down inside I know that ultimately they will be for me. It's just that right now I'm so spiritually weak, like just run down and unmotivated to make it to church. I still read most days, but I've been feeling like bleh... so I called upon my friend who goes to my church so that I might ride with her tomorrow( actually today now). I pray that whatever I experience gives me the kick in the rear or pull or whatever I need to regain my intrinsic motivation. What is amazing though is that even though I'm over here struggling, I can still tell that God is using me, unworthy vessel that I am, to speak to my friends; and I see their steps closer to Him as I slide deeper into my present state of resignment. Their experiences and trials are what keep me searching for daily quiet time and even if I haven't had the gusto to get up and go to church the last couple of weeks, I have managed to listen to a sermon I hadn't yet heard...by Beth Moore from Passion 05, one I needed to hear. That isn't to say that I am denying that I should wholeheartedly have gone to church, but I do refuse to turn completely around and put God on the back burner. I cry out for accountability and a close, strong Christian Sista to help me get-it-together because now it's not working and I know God doesn't stand still or move backwards, so this is all me not being who I am in Him though I desperately want to be...but even despair is not enough. And I know that God is showing me something through this...the inner strength I never harnessed in Him because I never really needed to, so now that no one is taking spiritual guardian over my life I know I gotta step up, but a lot of me has felt suppressed for so long that my mind and body simply have not complied and followed what my heart knows is right. I appeal to you as the most broken satellite of them all.

Selah.
Posted on 7.20.2005 at 2:49 AM

So far from that place you wanna be...

If half of people answered candidly and truthfully when asked "How are you?" the person who asked would not be prepared to handle the answer, because most people expect to hear a simple "fine" without listening.
Posted on 7.18.2005 at 10:58 AM

cryss placid

apparently i have a very placid personality, like not very forward or abrasive. i can't really describe it. i guess its a good personality to have if you want people to talk to you and feel like they are being listened to.
Posted on 7.17.2005 at 8:41 PM

1.First grade teacher's name: I don't remember
2.Last word you said: Hi
3.Last song you sang: "Ponytail Parade" by Emery
4.Last person you hugged: WoW, good one. Micah I guess... that was a half hug even. I guess I don't hug.
5.Last thing you laughed at: Omari cracked on this guy at the pool. It was mean, but I had to laugh.
6. Last time you said 'I love you': last night to my sister Gabby
7. Last time you cried: the other day
8. What's under your bed: everything: fridge, dishes, plastic bins, bags, exercise ball...
9. Current taste: Nilla wafer
10. Current annoyance: LCC 3308, what crap
11. Current longing: true groundedness and a claiming of the completion I know I have in Jesus if I would just slow down and acknowledge it
12. Current desktop picture: a NASA photo, very celestial...a nebula or supernova or something
13. Current worry: not sure
14. Current hate: I hate that I have to pay for my car to be fixed and this dumb dude hit me
15. Story behind your EasyJournal username: Satellite= Christians reflect God's love, like the moon (a satellite) reflects the sun. Selah=used in Psalms often and is a word of reflection and contemplation
16. Current favorite article of clothing: an orange halter with wooden beads on the tie strings by American Rag
17. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: I'll name a few: eyes, smile, chest, arms
18. Last CD that you bought: Actually bought...hmmm... The Remnant's "After School Special"
19. Favorite place to be: wherever my family is... by family i mean mommy mostly :o)
20. Least favorite place: meetings... anywhere that requires I be there before 10am
21. Time you wake up in the morning: 8:30am if I'm doing the morning thing
22. If you could play an instrument, what would it be: guitar
23. Do you believe in an afterlife: Yes. Heaven is true.
24. Current favorite word/saying: *doot*...and "Good Morning Starshine!"
25. Favorite book: The Awakening by Kate Chopin
26. One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: ummm... no one.
27. Favorite day: Friday/Saturday... in case I don't sleep Friday night.
28. Where do you want to be: Jamaica... well maybe not right now with hurricanes and such.
29. How many kids do you want: 2-4
30. What kind of car will you have: a Lexus something, not SUV.
31. Eye Color: brown/black
32. Hair Color: brown/copperish
33. Righty or Lefty: righty
34. Zodiac Sign: Pisces
35. Innie or Outtie: innie with a ring...well a barbell
36.Your heritage: african american (which can mean a host of things)
37. Your fears: lonliness, spiders
38.Your perfect pizza: Italian Sausage, Extra Cheese, Banana Peppers
39. Your most overused phrase on aim: lol
40. Your thoughts first waking up: either "Good Morning God" or "CRAP, I have to do stuff now"
41. Your bedtime: 3am is early
42. Your most missed memory: living in New Orleans around both of my parents
43. Pepsi or coke: Neither now a days... I'm cola-ed out
44. McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds
45. Single or group dates: Depends on the ppl
46. Adidas or nike: Depends on what kinda moment I'm having
47.Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Whatever's homemade. I don't do bottled tea.
48. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
49.Cappuccino or coffee: Capuccino
50.Smoke:it'S NASTY!!!
51. Cuss: nah, do my best not to.
52. Sing: as much as possible
53. Take a shower everyday: Ummm...lol. Usually everyday.
54. Have a crush: not really
55. Who is it: like I would throw out names.
56. Think you've been in love: It's hard to say
57. Want to go to college: Been there(3 yrs)..almost done with that...got several t-shirts I need to take to Goodwill right about now goin to Grad school
58. Want to get married: definitely
59. Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: mostly.. I think. I 4got what the right keys were.
60. Think you're a health freak: naw
61. Get along with your parents: We tight.
62. Play an instrument: If you consider a pen an instrument.

IN THE PAST 3 MONTHS, DID YOU OR HAVE YOU...
63. Drink alcohol: yep
64. Smoke: never
65. Done a drug: not unless ur counting prescription
66. Made Out: naw
67. Go on a date: yes, kinda
68. Eaten an entire box of Oreos: almost, good thing I had folk to share wit
69. Eaten sushi: yes
70. Been dumped: YES
71. Made homemade cookies: nope, brownies tho
72. Been in love: not sure
73. Gone skinny dipping: never
74. Dyed your hair: never
75. Stolen anything: nope

HAVE YOU EVER..
76. Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: never (and want to keep it that way)
77. Been caught "doing something": nope
78. Gotten beaten up: never

GENERAL INFO...
79. my name is: Crystal
80. height: 5' 3.5"
81. favorite toe: uhh...pinky I guess
82. in the morning i am: scrugglin
83. all u need is: some Jesus
84. love is: awesome
85. if i could see one person right now: there are so many people tho, my bro maybe I aint seen't him in a minute.
86. i dream of: a lot.

H A V E Y O U E V E R . .
87. pictured your crush naked: what crush?
88. actually seen your crush naked: again, what crush?
89. lied: yes. who hasn't? really?

W H I C H I S B E T T E R...
90. flowers or candy: i like food, so candy would be a natural choice, but flowers are SWEET.. get it?
91. tall or short: Put it this way, if I have on heels I need to be starin at ur anywhere between ur chest and ur nose

W H O
92. last person u slow danced with: Sean
93. makes you laugh the most: mommy, sisters,dad, homegirls
94. makes you smile: the people i love and care about
95. gives u a funny feeling when u see them: i dunno
96. who do you have a crush on: what crush?
97. has a crush on u: i'm oblivious
98. easiest to talk to: Mom, Gabby,Cicely,Crystal...

D O Y O U E V E R..
99.sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you: puhlease, I have a little bit of a life
100. save aol/aim conversations: some times
101. wish u were a member of the opposite sex: I LOVE BEING A WOMAN!

H A V E Y O U E V E R
102. fallen for your best friend: yes, my best guy friend from 6th grade
103. been rejected?: yes
105. used someone:yup... the old Crystal was not a cool person at all.
106. been cheated on: not that i know of
107. cheated on someone: nope
108. done something u regret: heck yah

<>W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N-
109. you talked to on the phone: Crystal
110. hugged: Micah
111. you instant messaged: Crystal
112. instant messaged you: Crystal

D O Y O U-
113. color your hair: naw, i don't want to mess up my natural hair color, which i like
114. ever get off the computer: yes. i have other things to do
115. habla espanol: un poco


Posted on 7.17.2005 at 1:58 PM

boo boo the fool. i have been running away from silence and the thought of spending saturday night alone in my room scares me.
Posted on 7.16.2005 at 8:12 PM

just 4 chicken nuggets... c'mon you can eat more than that, really

my goodness i've lost weight. why have i taken to writing my journals in lowercase letters? is it because i realize that ultimately i am speaking of things that have no substance? or maybe it's just that i'm too tired to capitalize on the details of my life. make no mistakes, i do capitalize Jesus and God and any other divine names and pronouns though, but i'm sure you didn't really want to know that. i wrote another poem last night, it's a part ii to the other poem. i'm going to be like r.kelly and have 5 parts eventually i'm sure... but it's not going to be all the drama. i don't have drama. that's a good thing tho, so i'm certainly not complaining. back to my losing weight tho... i'm in one of my down appetite phases for some reason... it's like i get tired of food for a while. i don't think its an eating disorder because i do eat... i just don't be really feelin the food.. no matter what it is...well there may be exceptions made for seafood, which i don't normally get the opportunity to eat. i hope the new swimsuit i ordered makes it here in time for the weekend. like a dummy i paid entirely too much for shipping in order to expedite its arrival...i'm prepared to accept the possibilty of it not getting here on time tho. i'm going through an interesting transition in my life right now. it's like, what do i do with this new freedom i have found in singularity. i don't mean freedom like let's date everybody, but more like freedom of individuality and at times, opinion. it is very nice. i can almost--but not quite-- see how some people prefer to never marry. As I am feeling around my new life space, I am having to redefine or allow God to define my boundaries and direction. I would say the hardest thing has been to make time for the quiet contemplation I took for granted a few weeks ago. I've gotten so used to the hustle and bustle of my everyday life that I'm always on the go, even when I'm in my room not doing anything. At times I feel like the pied piper of Caldwell, but it is definitely fun and I enjoy the company. Without the support I once had in Sean, I do, however feel (at least for the moment) that I'm teetering off balance and I just need to seek out my Center, God.
Posted on 7.14.2005 at 2:42 PM

Beep Me 911

In case you didn't know, my room is now a club...well, I've had to assign hours and stuff. The sign outside my door reads this:
Club 104
Hours:
Sun- Wed 6-10pm
Thu-Sat 5pm-1am
Other Hours: By invite only (V.I.P)

I changed my sheets tonight, someone sat on my bed...the part that wasn't covered by the comforter. They also ran away company I wanted. It's cool that people like to hang out in here. I'm not mad about that, but I have to set rules before it gets out of control. I think the hours will do well. Who knows? It's worth a try.
Posted on 7.14.2005 at 1:03 AM

God the highest Handsome Believe

Wouldn't you like to hear more about my break through poem? Well it did suck, but there was some flava in it, some emotion. To tell the full context would be to give too much away... maybe a snippet? This could all be so hypothetical. here goes
('. . .' = omission):
. . .
Maybe it's your dark eyes
With a dark glance they seem
To tell me we've met once before.
I certainly don't believe in reincarnation
So I'll settle for there being chemistry between us. . . .

This Coldplay CD (X&Y) is hott... it helps me to write.

i wrote a poem today. i can't share it with yall though...cuz its private. i sorrwy.
Posted on 7.12.2005 at 4:11 PM

there is so much on my mind and so much for me to say and write how i'm feeling. there is so much going on, so many cool things happening for and with my friends. i am truly, to say the very least, thankful. God is really showing me a lot. I feel like my emotions are alive again, like really alive.

The Lord's Temple

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Posted on 7.11.2005 at 11:32 AM

Today was a good day...especially since I cancelled my 9:20am class today. Now we are watching Hitch, kinda. I think I lost a little weight because the size 5 skirt that I got from Old Navy in early spring actually fits me right now. That's cool. I am also glad that my writer's block seems to have ended, but I kinda need to write down what i've been thinking.

chaos

(i thought this while i was walking) ...and I'm trying to get my life right but I remain suspended between two conditions that are immensely desirable and appealing to me (that's as far as I got... I just didn't want to lose my train of thought though)

gym at 6am again... yeah right. it's 3am now playa.

dawg... I am too tired even to write an entry. (this is unrelated... but) I feel like I'm going through a social mania. It's fun to have lots of folk chillin and talkin in my room, but I also feel like it will be short lived and before I know it I will be chillin alone again and what not. Maybe I should be preparing myself for the dreaded return of silence. I think for now I would like to bask in the interpersonal interactions though. Maybe God is trying to show me something here or maybe He is waiting on me to make a move. Well I did make a move the other night and the prayer was clearly answered in my friend's life. It was amazing. I now see how praying for your friends can bring you closer to God. I end today feeling great and uplifted at hearing and seeing God in action for a truly unselfish(of me) reason.
Posted on 7.8.2005 at 3:03 AM

just one of them days

It's entirely too humid in this stupid room of mine. I hope that they will answer and honor my second request for a dehumidifier. I feel icky, but I know I'm clean. I sometimes hate Ga Tech housing. I am so ready to graduate and be up outta here.
Posted on 7.6.2005 at 12:15 AM

sleepy

sleepy

WoW... I have been nodding off ALL DAY at work. It has been crazy. When I got here no one was schedule to take a test all day, so after I ate I graded one leftover paper and prepared the other papers to be returned to the students. Then, as I was about to read my assignment 130+ pages for my own class tomorrow, I fell asleep. I woke up barely able to recognize where I was for a split second. It was weird. I was only out for a half hour or so though...initially. I am pretty sure the phone didn't ring, because it makes an annoying sound that I'm sure I would have heard. I've been monitoring emails in between naps also. I am so glad to have a slow day after the eventfulness(or should I say wakefulness) of yesterday and Sunday night. I managed earlier to make notes of what I am going to say and do in class on Thursday, since I'm running things all by myself. I am excited about that. I think I will bring a treat so they won't hate me soooo much after receiving grades If I can afford a treat plus the cardstock I need for them to make name cards that will be good. Come ON 5 o'clock. I am so ready to go.

Posted on 7.5.2005 at 4:30 PM

Happy Birthday Leslie!!!

Right now I am half eating lunch (spaghetti) and half typing this. The past two nights I think I have gotten about 6 total hours of sleep, which was mostly my fault. I stayed up all night Sunday talking with Crystal, Mika and some of the Challenge students about life and school...just up for ABSolutely no reason at all. I tried to catch a few winks late yesterday morning, but it was soon time for the Challenge cookout. Then we went to Lenox at 6pm only to figure out upon our arrival that it was closing at 6pm due to the holiday. We didnt want to waste our MARTA trip completely so we walked to Target, which was cool. We passed the 4th of July concert they were having in Lenox Square, which seemed a little fun and a little cheesy. We came back to campus with the idea of going to Centennial Park to see fireworks, but..it seemed like it was going to pour down raining again. Plus, I was getting increasingly more tired as the evening progressed. We, actually they, watched the Princess Diaries 2 in my room while I began to grade papers, which ended up taking at least 6hrs for me to do and I don't feel like I did a very good job on many of them. I will do better next time. Long story short.. I was grading papers into the wee hours of the morning. Around 2am people were out in the parking lot shooting off fireworks, really smart. By 2:30 la policia showed up and told them to stop. Black folk fled the scene mostly...it was kinda funny. Well closer to 3am, some special people set off fireworks, apparently, in the building. This of course caused the fire alarm to go off, which led to us(the people that actually came outside) standing outside for about a half hour to wait for the building to be declared safe by the police and fire department. I had 4 more papers to grade so I got back and did those. I was all too happy to hop in the bed after that though...at around 4am-ish. I'm hoping this new book I'm supposed to read for my lcc 3318 class is going to be good, because I am supposed to start reading that today. I am also waiting to hear back from the fulton co. jury clerk as to whether or not I will be able to postpone my jury duty....until I am no longer a resident of Fulton Co...lol. I should start reading now.
Posted on 7.5.2005 at 12:17 PM

"Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be"

an excerpt from NO DOUBT's "Marry Me"


I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?

Posted on 7.3.2005 at 8:51 PM

break, breakdown

Today was a sad day. I think it's getting to me now. I walked around the mall early this afternoon by myself after exchanging the ring I bought last night and dropping it off to get sized to a 4.5. Man my fingers are small. I'm not complaining though. The guy told me he'd have the ring resized by 4pm, but when I got back up there (to Cumberland Mall) at 4:30pm, it still wasn't....so, I put a little pressure on him to hurry up. He did and I was out of there by 4:45 or so. Then I drove to Leslie's. I helped her set up for the party. They pretty much had most of it done though, so I just talked a little. When people started pouring in around quarter to 6, I kinda sunk into a little semi- feeling bad, depressed-like state. I knew my current situation would hit me eventually...well, it really did today. All I wanted to do was just curl up into a ball and sleep or something. I didn't feel like being around a whole bunch of people and I was really wishing that I had just gone home to my mom. She always makes me feel better. She was worried about me being by myself this weekend. I thought I was ok, but I don't even have July 1st plans or anything. All of the holidays I've spent over the past year and a half in ATL have been booked, but I guess I'll just have to be alone for this one. I've been listening to #2 and #4 on Emancipation of Mimi , #12 on Fantasia's CD and #11 on Destiny Fulfilled over and over and over for the past few days. I'd rather sleep than eat. I'm actually grateful that there isn't really anyone living on the floor with me... that way when I go to the bathroom and I've been crying no one has to see me. Hanging out with my friends has made me feel a little better, but I'm still really sad. I really wish I hadn't called today. Mom told me not to, but I couldn't help it. It really hurt me when my phone call was never returned. I don't dare call again now. I've been cured of needing to do that. Calling and not being called back hurts worse than fighting the urge to call. At least my new ring is really pretty. It better be because I'm wearing it at least until next July 1st because of what I've decided. If you know me like that, you already kinda know what I decided. If not, I'm sorry. I've finally matured to the point of not really caring to be friends with everyone. That may sound a little bitter, but it's pointless to know lots of people who really don't know nothing about you. I hate when people ask you how you are doing and then look away and don't wait for a reply. Those people aren't my friends. I admit that I have lots acquaintances that I don't know much about, but gosh darnit when I ask them how they are I MEAN it and I do the unthinkable, I WAIT for an answer and I LISTEN to what they say. If I don't have time to listen to your answer, I just don't ask you. I just say Hey and keep going. Back to my ring though... it's white gold, antique(art deco) style with a teeny tiny diamond. It's really the kind of ring I've always wanted. I'm surprised I was able to afford something like it. If I had easyjournal pro, I'd attach a photo of it...but what the hey. Email me if you would like to see a pic. I can't promise that the diamond would appear in the picture though...lol. But still, it's my first diamond ring and I bought it all by myself. Seems like it will always be like that.


. . .



Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I breakdown and cry

Posted on 7.2.2005 at 11:46 PM

Happy Birthday Leslie!!!

Happy Birthday Leslie!!!

Right now I am half eating lunch (spaghetti) and half typing this. The past two nights I think I have gotten about 6 total hours of sleep, which was mostly my fault. I stayed up all night Sunday talking with Crystal, Mika and some of the Challenge students about life and school...just up for ABSolutely no reason at all. I tried to catch a few winks late yesterday morning, but it was soon time for the Challenge cookout. Then we went to Lenox at 6pm only to figure out upon our arrival that it was closing at 6pm due to the holiday. We didnt want to waste our MARTA trip completely so we walked to Target, which was cool. We passed the 4th of July concert they were having in Lenox Square, which seemed a little fun and a little cheesy. We came back to campus with the idea of going to Centennial Park to see fireworks, but..it seemed like it was going to pour down raining again. Plus, I was getting increasingly more tired as the evening progressed. We, actually they, watched the Princess Diaries 2 in my room while I began to grade papers, which ended up taking at least 6hrs for me to do and I don't feel like I did a very good job on many of them. I will do better next time. Long story short.. I was grading papers into the wee hours of the morning. Around 2am people were out in the parking lot shooting off fireworks, really smart. By 2:30 la policia showed up and told them to stop. Black folk fled the scene mostly...it was kinda funny. Well closer to 3am, some special people set off fireworks, apparently, in the building. This of course caused the fire alarm to go off, which led to us(the people that actually came outside) standing outside for about a half hour to wait for the building to be declared safe by the police and fire department. I had 4 more papers to grade so I got back and did those. I was all too happy to hop in the bed after that though...at around 4am-ish. I'm hoping this new book I'm supposed to read for my lcc 3318 class is going to be good, because I am supposed to start reading that today. I am also waiting to hear back from the fulton co. jury clerk as to whether or not I will be able to postpone my jury duty....until I am no longer a resident of Fulton Co...lol. I should start reading now.

Posted on 7.5.2005 at 12:17 PM