sickly

I can't believe this! I think I am getting sick...so what do I do? Of course, after finally finishing the exhaustive task of grading 38 million (divide that by a million) essays I choose to write a journal instead of go to bed... that's PROBABLY why I'm getting sick. I've been socially over-stimulated these past few weeks in contrast to the life I had lived for a year or so up until then. I'm reaching the uneasy truth that I've lost yet another best friend to break up and there isn't really anything I can do about it except for be accessible and open I guess. I'm happy for him, but at the same time it sucks...as I knew it would. I still know things are better this way...at least for him and deep down inside I know that ultimately they will be for me. It's just that right now I'm so spiritually weak, like just run down and unmotivated to make it to church. I still read most days, but I've been feeling like bleh... so I called upon my friend who goes to my church so that I might ride with her tomorrow( actually today now). I pray that whatever I experience gives me the kick in the rear or pull or whatever I need to regain my intrinsic motivation. What is amazing though is that even though I'm over here struggling, I can still tell that God is using me, unworthy vessel that I am, to speak to my friends; and I see their steps closer to Him as I slide deeper into my present state of resignment. Their experiences and trials are what keep me searching for daily quiet time and even if I haven't had the gusto to get up and go to church the last couple of weeks, I have managed to listen to a sermon I hadn't yet heard...by Beth Moore from Passion 05, one I needed to hear. That isn't to say that I am denying that I should wholeheartedly have gone to church, but I do refuse to turn completely around and put God on the back burner. I cry out for accountability and a close, strong Christian Sista to help me get-it-together because now it's not working and I know God doesn't stand still or move backwards, so this is all me not being who I am in Him though I desperately want to be...but even despair is not enough. And I know that God is showing me something through this...the inner strength I never harnessed in Him because I never really needed to, so now that no one is taking spiritual guardian over my life I know I gotta step up, but a lot of me has felt suppressed for so long that my mind and body simply have not complied and followed what my heart knows is right. I appeal to you as the most broken satellite of them all.

Selah.
Posted on 7.20.2005 at 2:49 AM