Crawling out of my skin right now...

I'm flipping out right now. i really feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm spinning out of control. My body doesn't feel right. I feel so gone. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I can't eat. I'm bursting with things to say, and things that I want to do but they're all worthless. Everything feels worthless right now. I don't know if I want to be right here or over there. I've never felt like this before, but that makes sense because I've never been at this place in my life before with so much crap going on that I feel like I'm suffocating and Lord knows I've complicated my life for myself. What was I thinking?

I had to tell him I liked him. I'm leaving for FL in like 10 days and I had been carrying that on my heart since like, October. It had to come off my chest, carpe diem. I felt so heavy holding onto it... so I released it. Ever feel like someone could be so right for you... and then realize that there's no way that it could work in the present time? I had plenty of time to not tell him I liked him, but I had to let it out. Then I freaked out because I realized that if he was feeling me at all like that we might lose each other as friends. We can't be together right now. I know that, and it has nothing to do with distance. It's a maturity thing and you're not that man I need you to be right now. You'd hurt me (even though you wouldn't mean to) just because you still seem to be searching. Thinking about that hurts me, because I wanted so much for it to be right. I hate that I rocked the boat and didn't leave well enough alone. And you may never see this, because I may never give you the link. We'll probably never talk about this unless I bring it up, but I hope that you will be curious to see what's on my heart. I'm not out here playing games with you. You mean a lot to me, and I can't let a little thing like my feelings or emotions or whatever get in the way of our friendship. I really hope you can see where my heart is at here. That ecard took a lot for me. I don't know why I had to do it when clearly we talked about why I felt like I needed to leave ATL. I told you I was trying to step my spiritual game up. You understood what I meant. I know that I can't afford to have anyone limit me in that. That's all I've been allowing these past few years, spiritual limitations.

Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.


Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.

Yeah... not sure why I like this song...

Ok, so this is crazy. I don't identify with the lyrics at all, but the music behind it, I find irresistible. How in the heck am I going to go from my main ringtone being "Anonymous" by BobbyV to THIS?? Yes, I own up to my weirdness. I promise you I'm not Emo though.

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Hole in the Earth by Deftones


Can you explain to me how you're so evil, how
It’s too late for me now
there’s a hole in the earth I’m out

there’s a hole in the earth I’m out

Can you explain to me now
If you're still able, well
It's time I think you know the truth
there’s a hole in the earth, I’m out

I hate all of my friends
they all lack taste sometimes
there’s a hole in the earth, I’m out
there’s a hole in the earth, please take a bow (this is the end)

this is the end
somewhere
this is the end
somewhere

there’s a hole in the earth
there’s a hole in the earth

I hate all of my friends (I’m out)
there’s a hole in the earth
I’m away somewhere

Trying Patience

So now that he's acknowledged my "I like you" ecard, I can breathe just a little bit... Only, he hasn't said anything about what he thinks. He was like, we'll talk later... so now I have to do that whole eye-to-eye awkward, parasympathetic nervous system thing heart pounding, skin tempature rising, blood flowing rapidly. My body did that when I saw that I had received a text message from him and now it's definitely doing it just THINKING about talking with him (especially face-to-face about it). I'm flustered because I wish he would just say yes, no or maybe. He thinks I can sleep now, but I'm on Ambien that belongs to my dad (but he doesn't use it anymore apparently).

The thing now for me is patience really. I was bold in taking that ecard first step so I should take no more steps. I won't lead this, especially if it's going to be anything. That has to be up to him. I guess I wanted to make sure he was aware that there was a green light. Maybe he already knew that though. Gosh I'm going crazy here with anticipation, but like I said I gotta be patient. I was patient today with his initial response to my ecard. He eventually texted me and said he got it and that we'd talk. Despite all of my flipping out today, I didn't email or text or call him or whatever else like I probably wanted to. I have to put my eager girlness aside here, and let him be the man and basically call shots if they're to be called. Too bad I feel like I'm just being patient so that he can tell me he doesn't like me like that and that I'm moving anyway so why would it matter. Lord, can't I just ASK him what the bottom line is?? I know that I could, but the answer to that is no. It would be even less wise than the ecard. I still haven't told my mom about it... probably won't tell her until I'm heartbroken that he's not feeling me, or elated that he feels the same way. As a matter of fact I'm not talking to anyone else about it until he says something... I mean until we talk. It's not anyone else's business anyway, especially at this point. I just feel like I'm about to burst! Where is God in all of these developments. I'm feeling like I need to be in fasting and constant prayer right now trying to see what's going on. I can honestly say that I've not felt this serious before. Sure there were times where I wanted to be married, but I never felt like my own person then... and now here I am. I've been my own person for 2 WHOLE years to date, which I didn't plan this timing. It just happened like this. I reviewed my brief list of husband qualities and he's got everything except for the major God ones, but I know he has the potential. I like him for who he is now and who he could be. I've never been so open and ok about someone's flaws, but I'm ok. I wonder if I'm not supposed to be. We're not talking marriage here though, just potential. I don't need to be with someone who's legalistic about his life. I'd feel suffocated. In a way I feel like I've been there, but that's just because I wouldn't allow myself to be my own person.

I know that I've come a long way, and have gained perspective. Along the same lines, I know that I have so much more distance to grow, so much farther to go before I resemble who I need to be. I'm glad that the 'big move' is going to give me the opportunity to do that. Not quite sure what that means for 'the situation at hand' though. What made me do it? Was it my biological clock, my need to make sure I won't be alone (as best a human can)? Was it was genuine positive regard? I think it was. Why would I want to jump into a long distance relationship? I'm about to go to another location with all kinds of new guys... for at least two years. I keep talking with my friends about all the opportunities that must be down there. Plus, as my departure looms closer, these doors to all these guy opportunities have been opening up. Thing is, I pulled a virtual fortune cookie the other week and it said "Don't mistake temptation for an opportunity." These guy 'opportunities' I know have been temptations. I can't allow myself to settle for unattached affection and games. I refuse. I've taken a stand by the grace of God, even though I did slip and get VERY caught up a few weeks ago. God's love has allowed me to be free enough to not feel guilty about it. I thank Him for that. I'm trying to steer cleer of all of the boobie traps the devil seems to be throwing in my path.

In the thought of boobie traps I have to be sure that this thing with my friend is not also a temptation disguised as an opportunity. Is it a good thing to be down there in Fla already spoken for, but so far away? I see my future in this guy though... like for real. I don't think I'm delusional. Don't worry, I'm not telling him ANY of this....

Lady in Waiting

I'm bored with anticipation, so I thought I'd write a new blog... not sure what about though. It's too late to have second thoughts, but how could I speak up as I round the corner into my last week in GA, at least for a while? What was wrong with speaking up in October? Why did I say something at all? I feel like his reply, and only his reply, will dictate the itinerary of my trip from home and when I leave ATL. I wonder what he thought when he read it, if he's read it all.... if he has read it, is he thinking about it at work? Had he thought it before but just didn't say anything. Maybe he's waiting to break the news to me nicely... trying to figure out how to do that. He's seen me cry before, probably doesn't want a replay. Would I cry though? Probably not. It's only a rejection. It would settle a score and free me up to think in other ways. Why continue to harp on something that isn't there. Why allow that to make things weird? I can pick up, business as usual. Only, why would I act in such a way as to make him think that he was merely an unexplored 'option' to me? That would certainly make me seem insincere, and perhaps the way I've acted up until this point has made me seem insincere in my e-card. Just a girl with a silly crush maybe? I knew that living in the same house with him would make me like him way more or not at all. This is the obvious outcome. Perhaps our other house mate knew something that I didn't, and that's why he was all "Go for it! You never know." He woulda said something right? I mean, if it was an obvious impossibility... like "Are you sure.....? I don't know...." I could be wrong, but common sense says the odds are favorable, but maybe I'm just trying to feel better about this. I don't know how I'll react if I don't get the answer I want to hear. I never said it was love, though, so I'll be fine.

When you're not looking...

In Ecclesiastes, the bible speaks of seasons "A Time for Everything" : "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven"- Ecclesiastes 3:1

As I consider the past couple of years of my life in terms of seasons I can see that there have been seasons of sadness, discontentment, searching, loss, lonliness, silence, bewilderment, stagnance, boredom, hopelessness. It's comforting to look back upon these and see that they've past for now. Inevitably I will experience some of these seasons again, and maybe even soon than I think, but with new perspective and acceptance.

It occured to me recently that I'm going through the opposite of lonliness right now. I'm never alone recently, but now might be a time where I need to be, since I'm moving far away and I need to process that. Knowing me, I'll simply process it when I get there. Why think about it now? How could it help? On the one hand I've been bored because my work situation is predictable and I seem to be in a weekly rut in terms of the things I do, but I'm finding myself faced with these opportunities to do things and be places with people I always chill with but also with those I hadn't previously considered. In a way I'm like "what happened?" Back then, didn't want me... now I'm leaving, they all on me. I do find this all quite amusing and entertaining so I promise I'm not complaining.

With what I just said, I'm not talking only about guys... but I'm getting into that now. Real talk: Genuine guys don't approach me usually. I get stuck with the triflin, less-than-stand-up, backboneless, disappearing, roundabout, ambitionless, mindless dudes. But now... things are looking kinda nice, well maybe not quite nice yet, but better, on the up and up.


There is hope.
Posted on 6.22.2007 at 3:47 PM

The end is near... or... the beginning

So, I'm about to leave ATL in a month! I may look cool, but I'm freaking out. How can I leave this place? I love it here. I love my people... but many of you are also leaving, sooner than me even... or maybe you've already left. It's the end of an era, seriously. You know how many say that your college years are some of the best of your life, well as crappy as it's been at times, even recently for me, I'm definitely going to cherish the experiences that I've had here in the A and the people with whom I've crossed paths... or walked down paths with. To my girls, I love you dearly. For my men that look out for me and take care of me, I love y'all too... even those of you that I only talk to (or text) every blue moon. Each of you has played an essential role in my life and my personal development up to this point, and I appreciate that. I don't know where I'd be without any of you. I'm not sure if I'm trying to do a "going away" thing or not. Please don't be offended if I leave without an official goodbye... I don't do goodbyes.

Enough mushyness though... Here's what it is right now, I'm moving out of my apt at the end of this week into my friend's place... so I'll still be around. I have my assistantship until the end of this month, so I, thankfully, won't be broke... else I would be in Augusta bored to tears for my last month in GA. I tried to sell my furniture, but as it turns out, I will be giving all of it to one of my friends. I'm actually hella excited about that, warms my heart. I like to invest in people, esp. when I know they're out there doing their best, trying to do big things. I haven't gotten anywhere in life without being blessed by God through the kindness of others, so I love when I get the opportunity to return the favor. It's meaningful, especially in the midst of what God and I are going through right now... but that's another entry for another day.

Well anyways, the bottom line is that I'm leaving very soon so if we've talked about meeting up before I leave, let's do that and not just leave it at a conversation.

Ciao.