speed BUTT

Ok and easyjournal has become a little LAME officially ... putting big dumb advertisement right in the MIDDLE of my entries....that SUCKS. Oh well.

It's late and I just wanted to say "Wow, we hit a speed butt." That would be the inside joke of today...and it involved driving. Also, me and Seany had a really good day. YAY!. I'm sleepy, goodnight.
Posted on 6.25.2004 at 12:23 AM

gLiTcH

Wednesdays are bonding time for Jesus and I. I am not allowed to see Sean today, but I feel like I might run into him in a few minutes because I'm about to go to the 3rd floor of the student center for take a prof to lunch. Wednesday was a good day to pick because I don't generally do much on Wednesdays besides go to work and my one class, but I really should not be worrying myself with working on Wednesday mornings. It's the SUMMER for crying out loud! I'm a sleepyhead. I'm definitely going to make it a point to have my TV off at midnight from now on. Sean was right about the sleep thing. He was just trying to help a sister out. I do need to go to sleep "on time" becasue most days it's like I never fully wake up, not to mention that the lack of sleep will will probably shorten my life somewhat and is VERY unhealthy for me. Nothin on Tv is important enough to cause all of that damage, plus late-night TV watching is a way to slip into exposure to impure images and thoughts and I DO NOT want my mind and soul in the gutter. I am glad that Sean cares enough about me to get upset with me when I'm not taking good care of myself. I'm sorry that I get annoyed when he's only trying to help me out. I usually understand the things he tries to tell me after the fact and after we've gotten upset in discussing them. It will work out though. I need to stop being so daggone hardheaded. :o)CRAP! I just remembered that I forgot to ask Sean about softball practice yesterday. I suck at remembering stuff recently.

Atlanta! Why in the heck is it cold today?! We have been having some weird weather. Bright, sunny and dry as a bone one minute and wet, gray and dreary the next. I guess the schizophrenic weather is ok now that my windshield is fixed.
Posted on 6.23.2004 at 9:47 AM

Oh what a NIGHT...

On this warmly humid June night... things started out placid I guess. Me and Sean sat in his car listening to some CDs. I finally got around to listening to that CD he really liked and had been waiting on me to listen to, and I REALLY like it. I'm listening to it now actually. That Christian Rap is tight. :o) So Sean and I moved into the first floor lounge to chill and talk and then to the Field lounge because the first floor lounge in Perry/Matheson has a LOUD and very COLD air conditioning system. Well we talked for a while and he pointed out some things to me about my development as a Christian. He's so busy loving God that there's room for him to care about me regardless of how well I treat him. That sounds weird, but I'm for real. Girls, this is the kind of man you want.:o) Well anyways at around 10:15pm, I walked Sean out to his car and I was saying bye to him, telling him I was going to pull into his parking space because I was parked under a tree and the spot he was parked in wasn't under anything. (I don't like parking under trees because I don't like bird poop on my car, but now I have another reason) So as he was pulling out and watching me walk to my car, I was lookin at my car and something looked amiss, just straight up wrong with the windshield. It was completely CRACKED all over. So I asked Sean to stay and I opened my driver's seat car door and there's glass all on the dash board and in my driver's seat and steering wheel, but the entire windshield is not caved in though. So I called mommy and daddy and I asked the GT police to come over and do a police report. While I was waiting for the police to come, I got a page(I'm on duty so I have to respond when residents call or page me) saying a smoke detector was beeping in a room, so I left the car with Sean, ran to get the master key to get into the resident's room, ran up to the room AND the girl had just removed the battery from the thing, problem solved. I took the battery so that I could remember to put in a maintenance request. So I ran back out to the parking lot to wait with Sean for the police(who I thought would already be there but weren't quite there yet due to some mix up with shift changes). I waited with my sweetie for a second then the police man rolled up. It was the same guy who responded when Sean's car got broken into, but I'm pretty sure he didn't remember us. He was really nice to us this time and last time, Officer Norton. I like our campus Police officers though. He walked over to my car and inspected it with a flashlight and we were able to see that not only was the windshield shattered, but there is a quarter sized ding on the driver's side of the roof of the car and a white streak on the hood where the paint got scratched. I'm pretty sure that there will be more things messed up about my car's appearance when I get it all cleaned up. I also forgot to mention that the suspected tree limb that fell on my car was laying off to the passenger's side by the front tire. I AM NEVER EVER EVER PARKING UNDER A TREE AGAIN!!! I may not ever park beside one again either....lol. That's extreme, but definitely not under one again though.

Ok, I said all of that to say this...

The Holy Spirit was with me during the whole ordeal. When I walked over to the car, I was calm and peaceful and thinking rationally. A few short months ago, I'm pretty sure I would have freaked out and gone ballistic, but I was basically like "Ok, it's only a car, let me see how I can handle this situation." I didn't complain or anything. I just accepted it and just saw about how I could solve the problem. That was all God, because left to my own devices I would have flipped out. I had been having the feeling that God would test me really soon and that it may be related to my car because I've been scared about being in accidents and stuff and I just don't want my car to be messed up and all. So I think God had me park there and caused the limb to fall onto my car to test me. It wasn't a full blown Job-ish (Job from the bible) test, but it was kinda big for me and a baby step toward seeing how much I've grown. I hope I passed the test, but I think I did. I kept my focus on God and He took care of the details, so in spite of everything, I have to say that it has been a good night. I am so blessed. I would not want to be in that situation without God's support and comfort. So I have left this evening with a stronger confidence in Christ. I leave you with scripture...

"Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Extol Him who rides on the clouds, By His name JAH, And rejoice before Him."
~ Psalm 68:4


*Some Humor*

As I was having the police officer look at my car, some random guy walked over all up on the car basically and was lookin all in my car and stuff. I tell you, noseyness is something serious. I love Tech people :o)
Posted on 6.19.2004 at 1:44 AM

Fasting...

WoW... Today has been interesting. I can honestly say that I would rather fast from food than from Sean, which probably means that I'm fasting the right thing (or person actually). I guess I feel a little closer to God. I've been talking to him more today because I'm not supposed to call my sweetie. It's really a nice thing to know that God is always around and ready to listen. Because Jesus' Holy Spirit dwells within me I know that when I'm talking to Him, I am actually talking to Him that is in me. That's just really cool to think about. When you consider that it's REALLY hard to think about trying to hide an action or the smallest thought from Jesus because He knows. He will always know what's going on with us. In that sense though, I sometimes feel like there is no need to talk to Him since He already knows, but wouldn't I rather someone talk to me and tell me about their lives directly than for me to merely overhear? I do think I am missing Sean more than I missed my food those other Wednesdays though, seriously. I will be alright though. This is better for me, for him and for us as a couple. I am starting to genuinely feel excited about where God is leading me, what He has for me. I feel more motivated. I'm pretty sure this is not in my head. While at work today (actually I'm still here presently) I was looking on the internet for a purity ring to keep on my ring finger until it's replaced by an engagement/wedding ring someday...if that's part of what God has in store for me. I just want to remind myself continuously of the covenant I have made with God that will be in the future with my husband. In Christ, all things are made new and for the first time in my walk, I am feeling new. I'm tired of struggling with past sins. I know I am forgiven and when I accepted Christ and decided to live the life He wants me to live, that old person died and I just need to live like I believe that, so that purity ring will be a symbol of my declaration that I have been made new in Christ and washed with His blood. I will die to myself daily so that I may remain with Him. Yay, this summer is starting to look all beautiful and stuff. :o) I am really excited and all, but I still can't wait to see Sean tomorrow. He's such a sweetheart.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"~2 Corinthians 5:17
Posted on 6.9.2004 at 3:17 AM

My Brother Called Me!

My brother called me. Yay! I was just walking around in the grocery store tonight on my cell talking to my mom and gabby and I got an incoming call and it was my brother Carlos. I was sooo happy. I really did not expect him to ever call me. I mean I was going to call him later this week. I was actually going to call him last night, but then it got too late and I needed to try and go to sleep, which I didn't end up doing until much later anyway, but oh well. That's so cool tho. We talked on the phone for a good half hour. He had called for my address but we just talked about life and I think I learned a good bit about who he is...on the surface anyway. I can see that there's more that other people may not see about him. I just want him to pick up and begin living life and put the pieces back together. I want to him to go to school and get a good job and have a family and all that. I just want him to have the best. I think he can do so much better than he does for himself, but what do I know? I got a much different impression of him than I did while at grandmas. I can see that he genuinely cares about his little sister. I'm really excited that God has given me this chance to get to know my brother and I'm determined to not pass it up. I've never known what it was like to have a big brother, I'm hoping to get that opportunity now. In my own little world I've always been the oldest. It would nice to have someone that might be a little protective over me besides my parents. I guess my older male cousins have been like that, but they're not my brother. This is cool though. It was a pleasant suprise that he called me. I love my brother.
Posted on 6.7.2004 at 12:42 AM

make room for God

God is truly amazing. Today at church, He spoke to me...for real. This was the first day that I could actually say I walked into church and heard EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I mean, I always hear a lot of things that I need to hear, but a message on faith and being optimistic was just what I needed today. I mean I was expecting God to say something to me today. Waking up for church this morning was just so different. I was excited about going. I mean sometimes it feels like drudgery having to wake up all early and go to church when I'd rather stay in bed, but I was excited before I even got there. I also figured out the mystery of my wanting to dress up so much. Last night I thought hmm, maybe I should dress up for church for a change. Working with the Club 4:12 middle school ministry I usually dress down mostly. I realize its been a long time since I've just dressed up for church, so today I wore a dress.That in itself made me feel a little renewed. Sometimes my life feels like a huge rut, an irregular rut. That's a contradiction you might say? "irregular rut" What I mean by that is I do the same things over and over again, but just on different rotating schedules. It's just the same old same old.

I am so happy about my CS masterpiece...well I know it's not really a masterpiece, but it is to me because I think it's pretty and I never thought I could actually do well at something involving computer science, but I'm suprised that I ended up getting asked a question. Being a STAC major here at Tech you get little or no respect as a Tech student, but with this CS class and doing homeworks, I finally feel like I can call myself a Tech student. If I was somewhere else, I don't think a course in computer science (well not like this one) would be a part of my core curriculum. But anyways, I spent much of my evening after completeing my homework just sending the JPEG collage I made of my baby picture to everybody I knew online. I was just ultra excited. Mommy said it was cute, so that made me feel good. I actually spent like over an hour talking to Gabby. She's getting so mature now that soon I know she'll be not only my baby sister but a good friend in just a few short years that I know will fly by quickly. The nine year difference seems to close in on us. I am so proud of the big girl she has become and I look forward to seeing her progress into young womanhood. I mean she's always been cool, but it's nice to actually be able to talk to her on the phone for a while. I really love my sister. I love my sisterS. I can't talk about how much I love my Gabby without tearing up at the eye a little bit. If I'm this emotional about my 11-yr-old sister, then I can't imagine myself with my own children. Water Works. But enough about that, I could talk about that forever...literally.

God has blessed me (at least for the moment) with someone so sweet and caring and respectful and empathetic it just blows me away. I didn't know that guys like him existed. It's awesome though. I really appreciate his patience with me and his calm, gentle spirit. I'm usually rowdy enough for the both of us. That's something God and I are working on. I'm just glad that he always has my best interest at heart. I suck because I probably do take him for granted. He's so wise and discerning and he walks closely with God. He's shown me so much these past few months we've been dating. Most importantly to me, he's shown me how to cultivate a relationship with God. I was so lost before, but now I can gladly say that I have a little more than a fraction of a clue of how things work. That's enough to keep me humble. I can never be right in assuming that I'm closing in on the discovery of the totality of God's mysteries, I can't even say I'm halfway there or even closer than extremely and insurmountably far because the well of knowledge is way too deep for my entire existence to remotely understand. It is fun though, to connect the puzzle pieces that lead up to events and fit together so perfectly. God does a lot of things that we don't know about. He works in the background and I think the only things the human mind can truly perceive are drastic changes and failure. When we feel like every hope is gone and life is just at rock bottom, we notice it and when we go directly from rock bottom to being on top of the world, we notice, but what about the in between. What about the "ok" areas? When we will realize that "ok" although it may not seem "great" is still absolutely "wonderful." Once we get it, the realization comes that all we will ever need in our lives is to know that we love Jesus and most importantly that Jesus loves us. Why is it so darn hard to put our "lives" on hold to make room for our Savior? Everything that is within us and of us directs its energy to whichever direction is opposite of Jesus. Only through the Holy Spirit can we feel the desire to run toward Jesus. Funny how we will sing about loved ones "You're all, I need, to get byyyyyy" Marvin and Tammy had a nice melody, but since they weren't singing to Jesus they completely missed the point. Without him, we're just dark, hollow figures roaming the earth in search of love, but we fail to realize that we aren't capable of true love without Him, we don't have the capacity. And if we're sitting around leaning on someone because they said they love us and we said we love them, and we aren't leaning on the love of Jesus everything will just fall through. The relationship will sooner or later dry rot if it's not Jesus-centric. God is really showing me that right now in my relationship with Sean. The closer Sean and I walk with God in our personal lives, the closer together and in-tune he and I walk with each other. Now, if neither of us is continuing to approach the throne of grace OR if one of us is walking onward while the other is standing still, the clasp of hands has no choice but to loosen and the grip falters. I know I am guilty of neglecting God's cries for time with me in my life and I admit that I don't have the power within myself to put down everything I need to put down in order to bond with God. It is just so lovely and so beautiful to be blessed with someone that can see that need within you, or maybe not just within you, but in the relationship as a whole. It's so awesome that in one decision he was able to communicate everything I've been feeling for a while, the tapping God's been doing on my shoulders, trying to call me into His office. I knew that I've been neglecting to give God his quiet time with me, but I adore Sean so much that I felt like I was in between a rock and a hard place. I REALLY want to see Sean all the time if I can, but I was unable to brush the feeling that I needed to maybe push him away a little so that God can step in. Sean has wisely helped me and I already feel like our relationship will be blessed so much more because of it. I've been sitting around praying and wondering why I haven't fallen in love with God yet, but how could I, I don't know Him that well. How dare I expect to build a relationship with someone I rarely talk to. You can't expect that with strictly human relationships, why now? I mean I know that God is supernatural and all, but I can't invest nothing into loving Him more and expect large returns. I can't grow in my Faith in Him if I don't first take larger steps toward knowing for myself who He is. And...I know I'm ranting, I wonder if I make sense. If I don't it's because this is straight from my mind and into the journal with only minor editing. A major reason I have this journal is because I know that other people feel like I feel now or I have once felt and I just want to show those people that they are not alone in feeling human and that there is a God who cares. I've been to very low places emotionally, but God has lifted me up and continues to work with me and I know that He's willing to do the same for you if you will only strive to love Him in return.
Posted on 6.6.2004 at 5:07 PM

Time Tithing

Yeah, so I got to work ON TIME this morning. I am so proud of myself, but I know it wasn't me because I didn't wake myself up the 5th time, and I had forgotten to make sure the alarm clock was on snooze and not simply off. Oh well, I'm here and I get here at 7:58 instead of my pitiful 8:05am. Oh well. I can honestly say I am not too happy right now. I feel like I am being pulled a whole bunch of different directions. When I planned out my summer I obviously left out time for myself, so every extra thing that comes up annoys me. The fact that I can't go home on whatever weekend I want to gets on my nerves. The meetings at Destiny, the teacher class, I am so not feeling it right now. If I didn't think it was just a result of laziness, I would step down from my position, but I know there is a reason God has me doing what I'm doing, and I need to just step up to the plate. I just don't feel passionate about it. I'm not excited about the RC Sproul book or anything. Yeah, it will be over soon (the class) but then there will be something else. All of the time I put in is an act of love for God and for the middle school students of Destiny. On the other hand, my lukewarmness to this whole thing sickens me. It's all about me and how I'm being inconvenienced and what I don't feel like doing rather than me doing what I should be doing. The whole idea of waking up early every day of the week is getting to me a little bit. Can I at least have Saturday? As a Christian, I need to realized that I'm not entitled to a day off. Then maybe that's the point I need to learn. If I get to the point where I no longer expect being able to chill and have a break, then I won't notice that I don't have breaks anymore. It's a shame that I have time to work at WCHO and fulfill my CA duties (which I actually am not doing because I haven't planned any programs and I don't care all that much) but I haven't set aside time for God first or at all. If I treated my time like I treated my money, maybe it would be easier to give God at least ten percent. I mean he is entitled to at least that right. If giving my time is tithing, then he should get the first of my time and not what I have left over and what I have been giving him is something like 10 percent of time that has already been spent and an unfocused mind. That's just not going to cut it. How can I expect Him to be glorified in my life and to listen to me when I pray and to answer MY prayers when I KNOW that he's always tapping my soul's shoulder(if it has one) and whispering in my ear "can I talk to you please?", "Crystal spend some time with me, just a few moments." I just sit there and keep doing what I'm doing...or doing what I'm not doing rather not realizing that any time that I have belongs to God anyway so I might as well give Him the best of it. He can just take it away when he wants. It certainly doesn't belong to me. I keep making the mistake that my time is mine and maybe the lesson here is that if I want to invest is my relationship with God then I need to offer up one of the things that's most important to me. I am not saying that I don't care at all about the money I tithe, but if I were to tithe time it would impact me a lot more, especially now when I don't HAVE time to spare. If I have learned one thing it's that I should give Him all I have and not what I have out of excess, so the time I choose to spend with Him this summer would be all that I have to offer up. I don't just have time laying around. Time certainly doesn't grow on trees. Thing is, HOW can I remind myself of this when I don't feel like performing time-sensitive Club 4:12 duties. I mean I say duties, but right now they feel more like "obligations" to me and that's not how I should feel about it. I know all of this is for a reason, but my "self" is blocking my view and distorting the reality of things seen because it's in the foreground of my biographical portrait. I don't know if this makes sense, but this is how it all made sense in my head. It just gets a little scary when my thoughts are materialized into words. Ok, this is all I can say right now, but I feel like a lot of that was revealed to me by God as I spoke.


That is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same temptations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it.~Hebrews 4:14-16
Posted on 6.2.2004 at 7:09 AM