delirious

The time I don't procrastinate (for real) on a paper it ends up taking me forever to do. Why is that? I didn't go to sleep last night, but I can't really evoke much pity seeing how I got out of bed at 5pm yesterday. Regardless of that fact I'm still sleepy as hell, definitely disoriented. To say that I'm frustrated with this paper doesn't QUITE say it for me. I'm looking forward to this weekend though. I'm packing up most (hopefully) of the crap in my room and taking it home, since that's where I will be for May and June. I'm soooo excited about packing, getting some of that work done. It can be so tiring and overwhelming all together. I just want to act a straight full next week, beginning on Wednesday with my new hair cut and maybe something else... not sure yet. I should say probably not, because I thought about it a little harder earlier this morning. We'll see. I have to make sure that I don't act on impulse with this since I already have it planned out. But yeah, next week, WOO please believe. It's a celebration b*tches and I'm going all the way... as long as I can get that take home final taken care of by the end of this weekend and if I can bear to be in my apartment. I wish I had somewhere else to stay (like the apartment of a significant other) for a couple of days sometimes, but I'm single and fabulous... yeah it has it's ups and downs but overall I'd say that even though I miss being taken I AM enjoying being single and learning so much about me as a young woman.... hmm, maybe I'll get back to work.
Posted on 4.27.2006 at 8:53 AM

I can't

Those are words I shouldn't say, but that's just how I feel right now. This paper is the darkness looming over my graduation. Right now I hate autism and information theory and that I tried to make them relate to each other.
Posted on 4.27.2006 at 3:28 AM

A l m o s t t h e r e

So close yet so far. 10-13 pages is a long way to graduation. That's not including the analytical report I have to write an executive summary for and the script I should try to write for video. There's also a take home final. I found out in Psych class earlier that it would be shorter than the midterm: more mutliple choice and less essay questions. Thank GOD! Right now I guess you could say I'm STILL procrastinating on my seminar paper, but I seriously intend to go out tomorrow night and act a fool...so it's getting done tonight, hopefully before the sun tries to rise. Finally it's time for me to make time for work before play. I'm not good at doing that. I'm proud of my psychology homework that i just turned in. I actually spent some time thinkin about the issue I was presented with. Hopefully I will get full points for it. If I mess around and get an A in that class I will be salty that I took it pass/fail. On the bright side though, lecture was never something pressing that I had to attend if I didn't want to. God fixed it so that I had intuition as to when she'd give in-class assignments (since they were unannounced). She had us sign a sheet of paper today for 10 points. Hopefully she will do something similar on Thursday, since it's the last day of class.

wow, i'm finna pass out and I have a LOT to do.
Posted on 4.26.2006 at 12:53 AM

My head is dizzy... my head is spinning

My God how long will I continue shameless in a relationship with You that carries no reciprocity? You give 500% tenfold, while I can't say that I put in 0%... that's too high of a value. When I can't see the end, you always lift me up so I can see the destination, or at least higher ground. You rescue me and then you bring me to this place, this place where I'm humbled before You, yielded to you in nothing but the purest praise. In these moments, I feel alive.

autism and communication/information

Man... I feel like I'm aBOUT dead right now. My eyes are trying to close on me and I can barely think straight. I'm supposed to get my research paper done today/night too. At least I believe in miracles. As I was struggling /reading philosophical crap around 4am this morning trying to figure out what I was going to research and argue, the word "autism" popped into my head and I wrote it down. I barely know what autism was, but it came into my head that I should write my research paper on it in terms of information theory and/or "Platonic Dialogue" by Michel Serres in the sense that it's an example of individuals with limited communication ability, because of their difficulty deciphering the messages of others. People with autism lack sufficient development of mostly innate human communication/socail skills.
Posted on 4.20.2006 at 10:29 AM

Boys are stupid...

...throw rocks at them!

Sometimes I can be a little too cool for my own good when it comes to other people, especially of the opposite sex. I notice this and I try to counteract it every now and then by letting my guard down a little and try to be nice... not that being nice hurts, it's just that I've been hurt quite a few times by being vulnerable...although not deliberately. I don't like for men to know how much I like them... or in some cases don't like them (unless it's crucial). Sometimes these attemps to actually show a guy that I'm feelin them get shot down and overlooked for what they are or criticized for being not good enough. You could say that's part of why I wore my "boys are stupid" shirt today. I realize that I can only be me and express myself in the ways that are most consistent with how I think and feel, but I guess in certain cases it's merely insufficient. No worries. I'll just keep it to myself from now on. Wonder what I think...

On a heavier note, my STAC seminar project is still kicking my behind.
Posted on 4.19.2006 at 3:29 PM

Oy Vey!

I'm fixing to screw up royally in my senior seminar class if God doesn't intervene, like ASAP. I know He's always on time, but I'm really about to freak OUT over this research, seminar project presentation and 13 or so page paper. So far the sources that I have don't have much to do with each other, which makes for my having an incoherent argument. Hell, I don't even know what to argue about any of this anymore. To make stuff worse, I have a LOT on my mind (future: paying for school/housing this coming year, this summer,organizations, my book, graduation, poetry... a man). I tried Von Dutch and Rock Star energy drinks tonight, they helped me focus for a while... also part of why I'm still awake. I'm awake but incoherent, not cool. I'll have to buy another energy drink (or two) to get ANYTHING done tomorrow (my bad, later today) because I will be dying, half asleep... esp. at work. I wrote a poem today while I was outside. I posted it on http://cryptiq.blogspot.com. I plan to expand it and add more detail and metaphor... then turn it in next week for poetry as a final project. It's pure heart right there, I just didn't say everything I wanted/needed to say... or maybe what I wanted. Who am I to say really, what I needed to say in that piece that I didn't say? Well I'm finna pray myself to sleep (hopefully) so God can bless me on through this week. I tutor in less than 4.5hrs... oh how I wish I could CANCEL my whole day. It is what it is though.
Posted on 4.18.2006 at 5:32 AM

Superstar

My like for you is relentless
But you must understand
That before you learn
the nuances of my lips
and the lines of my hips,
know
my
heart.

Actually,
that's all I need you
to know about me
Unless you're willing
to have and to hold
the whole package.
(to be continued)

This really is a poem snippet. I have much to say... but CLEARLY I'm supposed to be securing my graduation, so keep checking back for when I update and expand it.

ButterflyKisses [Goapele]

*this is the song that was stuck in my head last night. it does describe the benefits of sticking around and investing in getting to knowing me... that's if i like you in that way. if i don't like you like that, the song doesn't apply. :)*

You came to me in a dream
All the qualities I asked for
In a man
Just understand me
Love me as you know me
I'll let you know me well

I don't anticipate putting up a gate
Or shelter around my heart.
I intend to find the good in side
Promise the real you
So pure
So I can give you

[chorus]
Butterflykisses
And pleasure you can feel
I'll daze you, even bathe you
If you remain to keep it real

Yes, If you love me, love my mother;
Know my father
Hang with my brother.
Don't discriminate
Or isolate me,
Please let me be myself
I want to wear what I want to wear
And say whats on my mind.
Please be kind
So I can give you

[chorus]
Butterflykisses
And pleasure you can feel
I'll daze you, even bathe you
If you remain to keep it real

Now that you're here
My vision's clear.
I'm drenched in love.
Fly like a dove,
And walking through
my life with you
Is a blessin oh so sweet-

[chorus]
Butterflykisses
And pleasure you can feel
I'll daze you, even bathe you
If you remain to keep it real

Posted on 4.16.2006 at 8:31 PM

definite rating INcrease

Unexpected company yesterday was REAL cool. Although I admittedly had a little bit of an internal struggle going on, I stayed true to myself and what I know to be real. By now it should be quite obvious, however, that I'm hella interested overall. A lot of time has passed since the first encounter (found out some interesting stuff about my previous actions yesterday too), but I haven't quite dropped this. I'ma just continue going with the flow, and be cool.
Posted on 4.16.2006 at 8:24 PM

day + life + music

Ok, so today/night was cool. My video partner, Michael, and I interview D.R.E.S tha Beatnik. I'm sure that our project will be THE hottest in the class. :) Others will be good, just not hot like ours. Um... I had Mint Julep Tea earlier... probably won't do that again, but the bartender was cute and very friendly.... surprisingly ethnic as well. I've been listening to Goapele a whole lot. If you are not up on her music check her out for real. Let's see, I was a half hr late to one of my classes today because I was getting a henna tattoo at IsraelFest. Yeah, my priorities are straight cuz I did make it to class only to realize I had missed nothing and wouldn't have missed anything had I not shown up. I'm highly excited about graduation and have probably jumped the gun a little bit with my GT Alumni key ring AND the officially GT tassel hanging from the mirror in my car. [I'll wait until I actually graduate before I get the GT Alumni license plate frame :)]

On a more negative note, I seriously love my roomates, even the one(s) who annoy the crap out of me the most, but I'm getting too old to put up with the nuisance of living with people... as you may be able to tell by other writings. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that people are here to listen and talk to ... the problem is when the fact that they live here is outlined in a real way, like a messy ass kitchen or bathroom/sink/living room. Who in the hell (GT Housing) thought it would be good for 4 people to share a small refrigerator?! or a small kitchen for that matter. Sometimes I just want to be alone and unaware of the presence of other people. I get that, but not enough. I can't usually fall asleep early because I'm scared the freaking front door won't be locked... many times I have fallen asleep and awaken in the wee hours of the morning to find the door unlocked... probably cuz visitors have left and the door isn't made such that a person leaving without a key could lock the door behind them. These are just hassles I don't feel like putting up with any longer, so I'm anxious to get out of here almost moreso than graduating... then there are things I have NO desire to pay audible witness to that PISS me off but that I must put up with and ultimately be cool about. When I get pissed off lately about something I just breathe deeply and remind me of the NUMBER of days I have left in this situation. I told my dad (to be nice) that I could have a roomate next year, but he knows me better than that and said that I'm not living with folk next year. I don't know how we are going to afford that, but Jesus loves me and will make a way... but Jesus wouldn't be bothered by living with 3 other people and putting up with petty annoyances. I'm glad He's a lot more understanding and forgiving than I am, believe that.

I'm also going through an old school/underground hip hop moment in my life for a couple of weeks. I feel enlightened, but I'll still use D4L or Dem Franchise Boyz for a moment where I would like for all deep thoughts to cease. Their songs are like blankness, no sense of social consciousnes whatsoever... maybe an example of what's going wrong in the African American community since they have become icons in a way. I wonder, what does the average white person, when exposed only to artists like that, think about blacks and black culture. It CAN'T be good... but if I'm leanin and snappin along with them I'm merely consenting. That's what I like about Goapele though I guess. Her music is beautiful, yet she is socially conscious.

They're closing all the schools down
Some teachers work for free now
And libraries won't be found
Cause there's not enough

Can you see a change in your town
Small businesses close
It's corporate bound
I'm trying to sort it out
What we're giving up

Chorus:
Basically
There are people left out
From living
Comfortably can we figure it out
I've been waiting
Restlessly for the words to a song
That would
Change it all
Change it all
Change it all

Verse 2:
I never found a 9 to 5
That was worth it from my soul
Til I
I pursued what brought joy in my life
And there's something for us all

And I still think it is my right
And it's the last and one of few
To get the luxery for learning
Something I could use

Chorus:
Basically
There are people left out
From living
Comfortably can we figure it out
I've been waiting
Restlessly for the words to a song
That could
Change it all
Change it all
(If the words could change it all) Change it all
(Change it all)

Bridge:
So many laws are changing
They say it's the price for war
We said no, but He's spent billions
It's hard to believe that years ago people died to vote
And history feels so far away
History feels so far away
We're not fighting for our lives anymore
(You're not fighting for my life anymore)
It's hard to know what's really worth fighting for
Or is it killing and dying on the streets

Chorus:
Ohhh
Basically
There are people left out
From living
Comfortably can we figure it out
I've been waiting
Restlessly for the words to a song
That could
Change it all

Chorus 2:
Oh!
Basically
There's enough for us all
So
Why can't we somehow figure it out
I've been waiting
Restlessly for the words to a song
That could
Change it all
Change it all
(If the words could change it all) Change it all
Change it all
Change it all
If a song could change it all
What if we could change it all

Posted on 4.13.2006 at 2:55 AM

Solace

The kitchen's clean
cuz that's how I left it.
What's that I hear?
Oh it's silence,
no foreign music or tv buzz
cuz that's how I want it.
No trash or cleaning schedules
Unwanted visitation
My stuff is where I put it
Conversations are never
obligatory and unilateral.
The best thing of all is
when I try to go to sleep
the bed next door
doesn't squeak.
Living in my own space...
I could get used to this.

I'm allergic

To messy kitchens, my stuff left on the counter, the cook and accomplice gone, sex happening next door to me while I'm trying to sleep. Hell, sex going on next to me at all. I just want to knock on the door and yell, "Clean the *doot* kitchen. That's why I count down the days until I get out of here!" I'm being calm about it for the most part though, but the kitchen is a mess and I'm very annoyed, despite the alcohol I had that relaxed me. It just annoys me, and I don't care if I never see Matt again, I'm so tired of him. The past two days were fabulous because I didn't see him. I do understand that she is dependent on him (as I have been before with other guys) but damn if it's not annoying seeing him all the damn time. God is also doing a very good job of keeping me single for my entire year commitment. No one is nearly good enough or at least that I see that has stepped to me. I'm convinced that I have not yet met my husband unless he's Sean, which I now HIGHLY doubt... but who knows but God how my life will play out. My dream has evolved past Sean though. I want someone who REALLY 'gets' me and that I don't clash with on so many levels. That wasn't Sean, to my dismay. Slowly but surely God is granting me closure... and maybe there is something to the saying that "Getting over someone takes half the time you went out.' It's April now, probably right about that time I should be over him. I'm salty about something else tonight, but I won't get into that.

My heart to share with u

Baby girl if I could just take you by the hand and walk you through the life I once lead then maybe some pain could be spared. Or maybe if God had just sent me to experience these things in your stead... it would be different now. I've been there, now it may not have been the same 'there' as you, but that's where I was. I remember the brokenness and crying at night long after the action had ceased. I remember the emptiness that came in the aftermath. No activity that allows you to be free will leave you walking, living on egg shells wondering the worst, hoping for the best with a full understanding that there must be an end to it all, but not knowing, how or where or who. If you could only know how my heart goes out to you even in the midst of my selfishness. I used to feel like I was not yet spiritually dead, but buried alive with the heaviness of my actions, slowly dying to the whisperings of God's still soft voice, the urgings of the Holy Spirit. Going to church, when I did bother to go, was like going through the motions. My own parents despised me for my actions, so who was I that God should hear my cry for help?! Broken as I was and with the little God-given strength there was left in me, I did call out to Him. Looking back on it, very little happened immediately (I was still very much off the chain) but He made it clear that He had heard me, when the time was right. Just know that Jesus does not despise you, God does not despise you [The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:17)]. He's waiting on you to notice that as you are crying, He is crying along with you (John 11:35). He LOVES you not in spite of, but even because of who you have become: "I have loved you with an everlasting love"(Jeremiah 31:3). Don't hang your head low around other Christians either. Unfortunately many of us are quick to condemn, forgetting the skeletons that are overflowing out of our closets and the skeletons that God lifted us from. My life has certainly been peaks and valleys since He rescued me from this 1 thing, went from being in a relationship with someone I thought I'd end up marying to being single(and fabulous... j/k), but I wouldn't trade any of my experiences over the past year for anything in this world. Isn't it a blessed thing that God loves us all the same? Baby doll, don't for a moment think that the alternative to where you are is lonliness. Jesus is waiting eagerly, patiently to spend time with you. Even though I'm going into the 9th month still trying to live this lesson, I know that it's true. I've seen Him take people to the next level when they draw near to Him. I will get there, so will you, sooner rather than later. I'll leave you with this verse to think on:

"[L]et us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." ~Hebrews 10:22

So much on my mind I jus can't recline

Keith0010 (1:32:53 AM): hey whats up
c r y s s LOVE (1:32:58 AM): nothin much
Keith0010 (1:33:02 AM): oh ok
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:05 AM): jus a slightly weird evening
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:07 AM): how u?
Keith0010 (1:33:08 AM): how was your day
Keith0010 (1:33:11 AM): im alright
Keith0010 (1:33:15 AM): why is it wierd?
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:39 AM): um, it was really chill, at least the evening
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:48 AM): my roomate and i spent hrs lookin for ringtones
Keith0010 (1:33:53 AM): lol
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:55 AM): then we listened to music
c r y s s LOVE (1:33:59 AM): then she got in a bad mood
c r y s s LOVE (1:34:04 AM): and is now on her way to bed
c r y s s LOVE (1:34:15 AM): thats the dark side of weird
c r y s s LOVE (1:34:22 AM): it just reminds me of some things
c r y s s LOVE (1:34:29 AM): like puts stuff in perspective
Keith0010 (1:35:08 AM): how is that wierd?
c r y s s LOVE (1:35:35 AM): that she up and got into a bad mood (she was listenin to the wrong music)
c r y s s LOVE (1:36:08 AM): thing is last night i was pissed at her b/c i heard/felt her and her boyf havin sex in her room which is right beside mine with thick walls
c r y s s LOVE (1:36:39 AM): but with there being 25 days left and with my considering her a little sister, i let it slide
c r y s s LOVE (1:37:28 AM): u could say i had been grossed out but also partly jealous cuz i haven't been 'active' in 3 years and been single for abt a year
Keith0010 (1:37:53 AM): o
c r y s s LOVE (1:37:57 AM): but her reaction tonight just reveals the deep sadness and over all feeling that she has that things are not right with her life and her situation
Keith0010 (1:37:59 AM): so u were jealous?
c r y s s LOVE (1:38:09 AM): un poquito, si
c r y s s LOVE (1:38:23 AM): God jus reminded me why i shouldnt be
c r y s s LOVE (1:38:31 AM): and also that i shouldnt be mad
Keith0010 (1:38:32 AM): cuz that was my next question after u said u were mad
Keith0010 (1:38:36 AM): yea
c r y s s LOVE (1:38:40 AM): at her
Keith0010 (1:38:48 AM): i c
Keith0010 (1:39:03 AM): so u said she is unhappy is she one of the people that u say are spiritually dead?
c r y s s LOVE (1:39:22 AM): i wouldnt say she was spiritually dead
c r y s s LOVE (1:39:40 AM): maybe like buried alive under all this sex crap
c r y s s LOVE (1:39:47 AM): and i've been there
c r y s s LOVE (1:39:55 AM): its hard for me to watch her go thru it actually
Keith0010 (1:40:15 AM): what do u mean by sex crap?
c r y s s LOVE (1:40:35 AM): having sex outside of the covenant of marriage
c r y s s LOVE (1:40:44 AM): i was tryna be concise, lol
Keith0010 (1:41:48 AM): oh ok
Keith0010 (1:41:54 AM): so u are against that?
c r y s s LOVE (1:42:46 AM): yeh. i believe it is sin because God meant sex for married people. but practically because i just remember going thru and dealing with a lot of stuff i shouldn't have had to because of it and how long it took me to heal
Keith0010 (1:43:01 AM): i c
c r y s s LOVE (1:44:17 AM): sigh
Keith0010 (1:44:30 AM): why the sigh?
c r y s s LOVE (1:44:43 AM): so much on my mind, but i guess this is better than not being able to see beyond the surface
Keith0010 (1:45:35 AM): yea
c r y s s LOVE (1:46:06 AM): well i g/g to bed now. i'll catch ya lata
Keith0010 (1:46:34 AM): yep, ttyl goodnight

I haven't written in a while because I have a lot to say, maybe too much. Have you ever had so much going on in your life, so much to speak on that you didn't know where to start or where to finish or even if any of it was worth comment? Well, that's how I'm feeling, so until I have clarity about what I should express or analyze verbally, this journal will probably be silent.... hopefully I will have something by the end of this week.
Posted on 4.9.2006 at 10:42 PM

Closure: The follow up

"Closure" has become the word of my life these past few weeks. Closure in a few of my life's relationships, closure with undergraduate education, with the decisions I've made over the past few years.

My God I have writer's block and no tru clarity.

Closure for thought

I've probably been advised to do so many times during the course of this year, but it still never dawned on me until I talked to my homegirl tonight. I need to pray for closure. If a wound never closes it could continue to get agitated, which it has all year. I'm surprised I've survived the struggle so long. It's time to be done with this. I must walk into the land that awaits me on the other side of this wall.
Posted on 4.3.2006 at 1:30 AM

A song I like...

"Different" by Goapele


(feat. Clyde Carson of the Team)

(Verse one)
I'm looking at you from a distance
I'm wondering how all my feelings changed
Do you remember even half the shit we used to do
And how it used to be
I wish it was different
All these feelings ???
But I still believe
(I mean what are you saying then, damn)

(chorus 1)
That it could be different
(You know I miss the butterflies, the look in your eyes, how they would shine)
It could be different
(And now it feels like it's over baby)
That it could be different
(If you would realize that you need to set aside just a little time to..)
It could be different
I know we can make it better baby

(Verse Two)
No I can't keep living on memories
What if where this is turning
This isn't meant to be
We used to get lifted
The love we craved it so insatiably
And lately I've been missing all the little things

(Rap One)
Maybe I got comfortable with the way you was treating me
Hot meals cooked up, way you would feed me
I'm selfish, how could I let my fear defeat me
Scared of something different, and I see you complete me
But ay I don't like to argue a bit
I promise I'll change if I ain't gotta hear your lip
Oh I'm sorry, I'm saying
But you don't respect
You don't listen you're no different
(Shit, Gotdamn it)
Save your breath

(Chorus 2)
That it could be different
(I know you saying I should change, through out time I ain't the same in my ways)
It could be different
(and now it feels like it's over babe)
(I see you're feelings start to fade, it's all my fault huh' your feelings ain't the same)
That it could be different
(Ma, why is you mad, acting like everything I do is bad)
It could be different
(You got some issues too, listen it ain't nothing we can't get through)
I know we can make it better baby

(Bridge)
You're high I'm low
And still this distance seems to grab a hold
I miss you so and making love still feels like coming home
We fuss we fight I leave
You might But then you make it right
But still at night I can't stand the sight of you not in my life

(Chorus one)
That it could be different
(You know I miss the butterflies, the look in your eyes, how they would shine)
It could be different
(And now it feels like it's over baby)
That it could be different
(If you would realize that you need to set aside just a little time to..)
It could be different
I know we can make it better baby

(Rap2)
Lets take it back to the picnics at Tillman
Flicks with the children
Talks by the lake
Walks through your building
The feeling of fresh love
Can't dismiss this
I know that you miss it
My permanent missus
Permanent Kisses
The flirting and wishing
Before all the back and forth huffing and hissing
Hear me and listen
I remember our mission
So I'm willing to change if you say that I'm different

(Chorus 2)
That it could be different
(I know you saying I should change, through out time I ain't the same in my ways)
It could be different
(and now it feels like it's over babe)
(I see you're feelings start to fade, it's all my fault huh' your feelings ain't the same)
That it could be different
(Ma, why is you mad, acting like everything I do is bad)
It could be different
(You got some issues too, listen it ain't nothing we can't get through)
I know we can make it better baby

(chorus 1)
That it could be different
(You know I miss the butterflies, the look in your eyes, how they would shine)
It could be different
(And now it feels like it's over baby)
That it could be different
(If you would realize that you need to set aside just a little time to..)
It could be different
I know we can make it better baby

Closure

She said I should pray for closure...

I've probably been advised to do so many times during the course of this year, but it still never dawned on me until I talked to my homegirl tonight. I need to pray for closure. If a wound never closes it could continue to get agitated, which it has all year. I'm surprised I've survived the struggle so long. It's time to be done with this. I must walk into the land that awaits me on the other side of this wall.

My husband could be waiting in the wings while I remain to hold on to this dead situation with my ex. Or even better, I know Jesus is waiting, knocking on the door to my heart. Unfortunately I've already bronzed it and wrapped it in a shroud. I don't want to use it anymore because it hurts and leads to situations like these. There is no excuse that I should not have closure after these months, yet here I am.

I'm pushing Nate (and the black hole surrounding him) into the shadows where he belongs.... and out of my life. I have greatness inside of me waiting to be unleashed. God means for me to have greatness in my life, and Nate doesn't qualify. The position of significant other is meant to be filled with progressively better prospects. How dare I step backward, way backward?