It's been a while since I wrote something up here, so I figured I'd end March with a little further discussion.
A thought..."A door purposely left open, but never to be walked through..." I have one of THOSE in my life. It's funny how God convicts our thoughts and actions making us see things differently making it impossible for us to return to those things. In my case, those things comprised a major part of my life. I just kinda had to drop everything and regroup. It's been a slow process (the regrouping) but it's cool.
Life is so hectic right now. I need some kind of balance. I have so many commitments and I can never focus on all at the same time. When I focus on one, the others are neglected. That's how it is with classes also, but I'm doing ok. God's taking care of those. I refuse to allow school to be a parasite that lives off of MY life. I'm also about tired of being a PL for the simple fact that I don't get my own room. I guess otherwise, the residents are great. My roomie's sweet too, but I've never liked sharing my living space. I doubt that I ever will. I think the only person I could ever live with and not care about having to share space with is my best friend Cicely, only because I would give her my legs (or arms) if she needed them and because we usually know what each other is thinking, so we can anticipate needs and stuff.
I'm getting to old for this college stuff now. It's time to move onto to a job, a house and a family of my own. The instability of school is slowly wearing me down. I am sick of not knowing where I am going to be living from one semester to the next. I am just sick of it all. So sick, that I have resorted to taking summer school to speed up the process.
Enough griping for me. I'm going to watch TV now. Ciao!
Posted on 3.31.2004 at 9:27 PM
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Monday, March 15, 2004
bonafide rarity
"Love is supernatural, and being the object of love is ethereal."
I had just gotten to my room today and that thought occured to me. LOVE IS SUPERNATURAL, so I had to write it down. Then I thought about why Love is supernatural and that is because Love comes from God. We don't generate love ourselves, we can only reflect love He has shown us. I guess what led me to thinking that love is supernatural is how when Christian married couples in strong marriages with their soulmates tell their stories of meeting or falling in love, there is always this hint of mystery or supernaturality that I've noticed. It's usually something very subtle, like a divinely inspired thought, but it's there. I believe that there is one person (intended by God)out there for everyone, but He won't let things happen until you are ready to handle the relationship spiritually. That's why it is best to be patient and wait on Him, biological clock ticking and all. There is someone out there for every one, and since God knows each of us down the every hair on our heads and every cell in our bodies we would be most wise to let him orchestrate the events. As with everything in life, if we trust God to handle our love lives they will end up more beautiful and more complementary to our personal characteristics and needs than we could ever imagine.
Posted on 3.15.2004 at 7:07 PM
I had just gotten to my room today and that thought occured to me. LOVE IS SUPERNATURAL, so I had to write it down. Then I thought about why Love is supernatural and that is because Love comes from God. We don't generate love ourselves, we can only reflect love He has shown us. I guess what led me to thinking that love is supernatural is how when Christian married couples in strong marriages with their soulmates tell their stories of meeting or falling in love, there is always this hint of mystery or supernaturality that I've noticed. It's usually something very subtle, like a divinely inspired thought, but it's there. I believe that there is one person (intended by God)out there for everyone, but He won't let things happen until you are ready to handle the relationship spiritually. That's why it is best to be patient and wait on Him, biological clock ticking and all. There is someone out there for every one, and since God knows each of us down the every hair on our heads and every cell in our bodies we would be most wise to let him orchestrate the events. As with everything in life, if we trust God to handle our love lives they will end up more beautiful and more complementary to our personal characteristics and needs than we could ever imagine.
Posted on 3.15.2004 at 7:07 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
sigh
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it-Psalm 118:24
Sometimes it can be so EASY to forget that. I am not having a good day, but it's not bad either. I hate that I have this midterm essay to write and it's been hanging over my head over MY Spring Break. Science, Technology and Postmodernism sucks because I hate to talk about the ideology of meaningless crap. I am lost on my essay because I have NO idea as to where to start. I have prayed about it a few times, but I guess I haven't put any faith behind my prayer and therefore no results. Maybe because I see this class as impossible. I just have to remember that God made the people and he made the ideas that they write about and he also made my teacher and the class I'm in, and of course, God made me too.
Well anyways, today was cool. I was awakened by Gabby around 7 something this morning because she was leaving for school. Then I got my text message around 11:30 and I should have gotten out of bed then, but my house is cold. I also laid in bed because I did NOT want to start the essay. I finally got out of the bed around 1:15 and took a bath, during which Cicely rang the doorbell, so I had to run and put a robe on so that I could get the door. She bought me a REALLY cute shirt for my birthday. My best friend loves me :) After I got dressed, we rode to pick up her brother, take him home, and pick up her other brother from school (but he wasn't ready).We went to pick up some cookies from her house that Mom had ordered (those Thin Mints are off the chain). We came back to my house and then Gabby came home, so I was able to avoid the heck out of the stupid paper today, but avoiding it sucked almost as bad as having to do it, so it certainly put a damper on the enjoyment of my dad.
Ok, so the status for the essay as of right now is that I have printed out class notes, emailed a classmate for help and I am struggling to make sense out of the readings. For some reason, I have a HUGE headache that came out of nowhere so that makes trying to read and understand this mess even more undesirable. I just had to turn down a visit to Applebee's with my bestest friend in the whole world because I have to do my work (even though I am currently doing this journal but it takes a few seconds).
Now I am going to resign from the computer because I've printed out everything I need for right now. I need to do my devotional that I shoulda done wayyyy earlier today. It's time for a reevaluation of priorities. Maybe God has something to tell me tonight.
Posted on 3.10.2004 at 7:53 PM
Sometimes it can be so EASY to forget that. I am not having a good day, but it's not bad either. I hate that I have this midterm essay to write and it's been hanging over my head over MY Spring Break. Science, Technology and Postmodernism sucks because I hate to talk about the ideology of meaningless crap. I am lost on my essay because I have NO idea as to where to start. I have prayed about it a few times, but I guess I haven't put any faith behind my prayer and therefore no results. Maybe because I see this class as impossible. I just have to remember that God made the people and he made the ideas that they write about and he also made my teacher and the class I'm in, and of course, God made me too.
Well anyways, today was cool. I was awakened by Gabby around 7 something this morning because she was leaving for school. Then I got my text message around 11:30 and I should have gotten out of bed then, but my house is cold. I also laid in bed because I did NOT want to start the essay. I finally got out of the bed around 1:15 and took a bath, during which Cicely rang the doorbell, so I had to run and put a robe on so that I could get the door. She bought me a REALLY cute shirt for my birthday. My best friend loves me :) After I got dressed, we rode to pick up her brother, take him home, and pick up her other brother from school (but he wasn't ready).We went to pick up some cookies from her house that Mom had ordered (those Thin Mints are off the chain). We came back to my house and then Gabby came home, so I was able to avoid the heck out of the stupid paper today, but avoiding it sucked almost as bad as having to do it, so it certainly put a damper on the enjoyment of my dad.
Ok, so the status for the essay as of right now is that I have printed out class notes, emailed a classmate for help and I am struggling to make sense out of the readings. For some reason, I have a HUGE headache that came out of nowhere so that makes trying to read and understand this mess even more undesirable. I just had to turn down a visit to Applebee's with my bestest friend in the whole world because I have to do my work (even though I am currently doing this journal but it takes a few seconds).
Now I am going to resign from the computer because I've printed out everything I need for right now. I need to do my devotional that I shoulda done wayyyy earlier today. It's time for a reevaluation of priorities. Maybe God has something to tell me tonight.
Posted on 3.10.2004 at 7:53 PM
Sunday, March 7, 2004
Praise!
I'll praise
That's my offering
I'll praise Jesus Christ my King
(I love that song. It's Fred Hammond? I think)
I just want to praise God for changing my attitude and causing me to be more prayerful about many of my life's details. I'm not at the point of prayer without ceasing, but I am more adept at noticing where it is desperately needed and I know the specifics. God is really blessing me.
Posted on 3.7.2004 at 4:10 PM
That's my offering
I'll praise Jesus Christ my King
(I love that song. It's Fred Hammond? I think)
I just want to praise God for changing my attitude and causing me to be more prayerful about many of my life's details. I'm not at the point of prayer without ceasing, but I am more adept at noticing where it is desperately needed and I know the specifics. God is really blessing me.
Posted on 3.7.2004 at 4:10 PM
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Arrival in NC
I would like to first start off by praising God for allowing me to make it to North Carolina safely and quickly, and for constantly reminding me that he is always with me, whether or not I feel it.
Welcome,to the online journal world Dali!
You are special :o)
This is the first official day of Spring Break, and here I am absolutely delirious. I went to bed at 4:00 this morning, and then I woke up at 9:00 and left campus for Raleigh-Durham at 9:30. It took about six hours to get to my godmother's house, I only stopped twice though and I didn't eat, so I was starving when I got here so thankfully, my godmother came through with the home-cooked feast (not merely a meal). She then surprised me with birthday presents and a cake. She is so sweet. Then myy godsister graciously drove me over to Bahama Breeze so we could have little appetizers and just talk, but since the wait was long as crap, we ended up just leaving and coming back to the house, but of course that took forever because the road system out here is straight twisted. It's all good though. At first I didn't feel like driving all the way out here, but I am glad to be here now...except for the fact that my head is about to blow up (hmm, maybe I should take something for it...I'm a genius huh?).
The ride today was actually pretty cool. The stretch of I-85 was not even remotely as beautiful as going up I-75, but I did drive past a water tower shaped and painted like a peach, and I think I crossed the Savannah. You know, I haven't seen the Smokey Mountains in forever. I think I might drive up that way this summer(like I have money:o)
Posted on 3.6.2004 at 3:54 PM
Welcome,to the online journal world Dali!
You are special :o)
This is the first official day of Spring Break, and here I am absolutely delirious. I went to bed at 4:00 this morning, and then I woke up at 9:00 and left campus for Raleigh-Durham at 9:30. It took about six hours to get to my godmother's house, I only stopped twice though and I didn't eat, so I was starving when I got here so thankfully, my godmother came through with the home-cooked feast (not merely a meal). She then surprised me with birthday presents and a cake. She is so sweet. Then myy godsister graciously drove me over to Bahama Breeze so we could have little appetizers and just talk, but since the wait was long as crap, we ended up just leaving and coming back to the house, but of course that took forever because the road system out here is straight twisted. It's all good though. At first I didn't feel like driving all the way out here, but I am glad to be here now...except for the fact that my head is about to blow up (hmm, maybe I should take something for it...I'm a genius huh?).
The ride today was actually pretty cool. The stretch of I-85 was not even remotely as beautiful as going up I-75, but I did drive past a water tower shaped and painted like a peach, and I think I crossed the Savannah. You know, I haven't seen the Smokey Mountains in forever. I think I might drive up that way this summer(like I have money:o)
Posted on 3.6.2004 at 3:54 PM
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
Thank You
I wanna say thank you to my die hard, love yall to death folk that wished me a happy birthday today (I guess officially yesterday now). I appreciate it.
Mommy-You are the best mom anyone could ever ask for. It's so awesome to know that I can come to you with anything and you will always love me. I love you mom.
Gabby-I love you baby sis. You can always talk to me. Stop growing heiffer. You are not allowed to be bigger than me at any point in your life.
Lester-I'm so glad that you are my step dad. Mom and I would have been lost had God not sent you our way. I love you Dad.
Shamonique- You don't need to stop growing, but you do need to stop getting older. I'm the big sis here. I hope you know that you can always come to me with anything you need to talk about or whatever. I'm not just your big sister, I'm your homegirl. I love you my almost outta HS sister.
Dad- I love you. You have always been there whenever I need you. The distance has been hard over the years, but I still know that I'm your "Dahlin'Dahlin'"
Ms. Spriggins- My step mommy! I'm sorry I've been such a brat forever. I'm grown now. I look forward to becoming better acquainted with you and building a friendship.
Ms. Pretlow- Grandma you are so funny. I feel so special that you called me on my birthday. I love you.
Cicely P.- Hucci, Heiffer, Mup...whatever I call you. We are girls for life. You ARE the "other sister." You know who I REALLY am and you STILL call me your best friend. You GOTTA be special. I love you girl!
Dali S.- What can I say? You point me to God, you treat me like a princess and always tell me what I NEED to hear instead of just what I WANT to hear. Furthermore, you're patient when I'm edgy and my words cut like daggers. I'm surprised you didn't run away screaming a LONNNG time ago.
Micah L.-Mr. Lucas, if everyone had a friend like you, the world would be so much more pleasant. You're just so considerate and fair and non-judgemental. I appreciate you to the fullest. If you ever need anything, I got your back.
Mika J.- My girl! We don't ever call each other or hang out anymore but you know you are like family to me and I'm always here to talk to or whatever and try to help a sista out. I know you got me too. Love you girl!
DJ J.-My brother, my twin. Fam for life. Not identical, not born of the same mother, but maybe born the same day almost. We think so much alike on things it's unreal at time. You are family to me. I'm always here folk.
Ashley B.-We hardly ever talk, and I feel like we are completely out of touch with each other, but at the same time, we're still girls...The only Lakeside female I remotely keep up with is you. We are going to have to call each other more often for real.
Bryan M.- B-Mont. Thanks for hollin at me on my birthday. You are a really good friend. Thanks for listening to me drone on and on about my issues this summer at UTK. Holla at me if you ever need anything. I'm going to go see MY godmother next week for Spring Break. I'll probably give you a holla then.
Ok and now that I have completed my "Happy Birthday" acceptance speech that would rival the Oscars, this concludes this particular journal entry.
Posted on 3.2.2004 at 2:52 AM
Mommy-You are the best mom anyone could ever ask for. It's so awesome to know that I can come to you with anything and you will always love me. I love you mom.
Gabby-I love you baby sis. You can always talk to me. Stop growing heiffer. You are not allowed to be bigger than me at any point in your life.
Lester-I'm so glad that you are my step dad. Mom and I would have been lost had God not sent you our way. I love you Dad.
Shamonique- You don't need to stop growing, but you do need to stop getting older. I'm the big sis here. I hope you know that you can always come to me with anything you need to talk about or whatever. I'm not just your big sister, I'm your homegirl. I love you my almost outta HS sister.
Dad- I love you. You have always been there whenever I need you. The distance has been hard over the years, but I still know that I'm your "Dahlin'Dahlin'"
Ms. Spriggins- My step mommy! I'm sorry I've been such a brat forever. I'm grown now. I look forward to becoming better acquainted with you and building a friendship.
Ms. Pretlow- Grandma you are so funny. I feel so special that you called me on my birthday. I love you.
Cicely P.- Hucci, Heiffer, Mup...whatever I call you. We are girls for life. You ARE the "other sister." You know who I REALLY am and you STILL call me your best friend. You GOTTA be special. I love you girl!
Dali S.- What can I say? You point me to God, you treat me like a princess and always tell me what I NEED to hear instead of just what I WANT to hear. Furthermore, you're patient when I'm edgy and my words cut like daggers. I'm surprised you didn't run away screaming a LONNNG time ago.
Micah L.-Mr. Lucas, if everyone had a friend like you, the world would be so much more pleasant. You're just so considerate and fair and non-judgemental. I appreciate you to the fullest. If you ever need anything, I got your back.
Mika J.- My girl! We don't ever call each other or hang out anymore but you know you are like family to me and I'm always here to talk to or whatever and try to help a sista out. I know you got me too. Love you girl!
DJ J.-My brother, my twin. Fam for life. Not identical, not born of the same mother, but maybe born the same day almost. We think so much alike on things it's unreal at time. You are family to me. I'm always here folk.
Ashley B.-We hardly ever talk, and I feel like we are completely out of touch with each other, but at the same time, we're still girls...The only Lakeside female I remotely keep up with is you. We are going to have to call each other more often for real.
Bryan M.- B-Mont. Thanks for hollin at me on my birthday. You are a really good friend. Thanks for listening to me drone on and on about my issues this summer at UTK. Holla at me if you ever need anything. I'm going to go see MY godmother next week for Spring Break. I'll probably give you a holla then.
Ok and now that I have completed my "Happy Birthday" acceptance speech that would rival the Oscars, this concludes this particular journal entry.
Posted on 3.2.2004 at 2:52 AM
My BirTHdaY
Yeah so, today was my birthday. I slept until about 12:30pm because my class at noon had been cancelled. Then I woke up and got ready for my 1:30 class. I got a couple of Instant Messages, that was cute. Some of my residents left me happy birthday messages. J.Russell didn't call me today, that was a little sad, but it's ok. Things change. I tried to look a little cute today. I wore my new white pumps with some jeans and a light colored crepe shirt with a rag on my head to cover the nappiness. I don't care. I would prefer to have it covered than to look like a fully-maned lion. I care about less now, because only a few things are remotely important. I'm not concerned with being on superficial good terms with a person just to avoid causing some kind of ripple. It's whatever now...
The actual day was gorgeous until about 4 when it decided that it needed to rain, but at least it was not cold and rainy. I could get married on a day like today, but yesterday's Spring-like sunnyness and gentle breezes were slightly more suitable. God blessed today though...
WOW, I am 20. I can not believe it. 20 sounds so much older than 19, so I probably should try to act a little more mature now. Naw, just kidding, but it is time to get a little more serious. I would say that officially, I'm a woman dependent on God. It's nice to finally have at least one person that remotely understands me, who is one the same page with me. It would be messed up if we were on separate pages in separate anthologies (roll with the metaphor). So who is Crystal Denise Mayberry? The truth of the matter is that my identification lies with God, and the sooner I learn the full implications of that, the better off I will be. For now it's time to let some of my childishness go and replace that with growth in the Spirit. I know this is fragmented, but I'm speaking straight from my head, but some of it is almost encrypted I guess one could say, because I'm really not saying all that I wan't to...this is online afterall. Maybe I should go to bed now, so that I won't be late for Spanish at 9 AGAIN, for about the 5th consecutive time. Who REALLY cares though?
Posted on 3.2.2004 at 1:34 AM
The actual day was gorgeous until about 4 when it decided that it needed to rain, but at least it was not cold and rainy. I could get married on a day like today, but yesterday's Spring-like sunnyness and gentle breezes were slightly more suitable. God blessed today though...
WOW, I am 20. I can not believe it. 20 sounds so much older than 19, so I probably should try to act a little more mature now. Naw, just kidding, but it is time to get a little more serious. I would say that officially, I'm a woman dependent on God. It's nice to finally have at least one person that remotely understands me, who is one the same page with me. It would be messed up if we were on separate pages in separate anthologies (roll with the metaphor). So who is Crystal Denise Mayberry? The truth of the matter is that my identification lies with God, and the sooner I learn the full implications of that, the better off I will be. For now it's time to let some of my childishness go and replace that with growth in the Spirit. I know this is fragmented, but I'm speaking straight from my head, but some of it is almost encrypted I guess one could say, because I'm really not saying all that I wan't to...this is online afterall. Maybe I should go to bed now, so that I won't be late for Spanish at 9 AGAIN, for about the 5th consecutive time. Who REALLY cares though?
Posted on 3.2.2004 at 1:34 AM
Monday, March 1, 2004
Beautimous Day!
I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY Ruth!
If you are amazed at how wonderfully beautiful and perfect today is, you can thank Ruth for praying it into existence. She told me this morning that this is God's birthday present to her. You go girl!
My day is going ok. I'm not feeling too well altogether, but I guess I don't feel bad, I just feel kinda like "bleh," but I have been thinking about a lot and approaching things from different angles as well as realizing a lot of things. That's been comforting. Th pretty day helps because I don't have an enviroment that embraces the gloominess within me that I've been fighting to ward off, so I'm winning...God is winning for me. I'm going to be alright, regardless of whatever happens today or the rest of this week or the rest of this month, this year, decade, century. You get the picture. As long as I have God, I'm set for life. It's crazy how easy it is to forget that sometimes, but I am reminded that my treasure is in heaven and I can't take anything to heaven that I've acquired here, nothing I bought or won, no titles or affiliations. The only thing that will make it to heaven is my soul and a record of how well I served others and lead others to Christ.
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 11:52 AM
If you are amazed at how wonderfully beautiful and perfect today is, you can thank Ruth for praying it into existence. She told me this morning that this is God's birthday present to her. You go girl!
My day is going ok. I'm not feeling too well altogether, but I guess I don't feel bad, I just feel kinda like "bleh," but I have been thinking about a lot and approaching things from different angles as well as realizing a lot of things. That's been comforting. Th pretty day helps because I don't have an enviroment that embraces the gloominess within me that I've been fighting to ward off, so I'm winning...God is winning for me. I'm going to be alright, regardless of whatever happens today or the rest of this week or the rest of this month, this year, decade, century. You get the picture. As long as I have God, I'm set for life. It's crazy how easy it is to forget that sometimes, but I am reminded that my treasure is in heaven and I can't take anything to heaven that I've acquired here, nothing I bought or won, no titles or affiliations. The only thing that will make it to heaven is my soul and a record of how well I served others and lead others to Christ.
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 11:52 AM
mY biRThDaY
I keep forgetting I am turning 20 tomorrow. March 2nd. I wonder if I will remember then. I doubt it. Doing way too much with the busy life thing.
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 1:56 AM
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 1:56 AM
Change
Change is good, but only when it's for the better, and passive agressiveness is probably about as low as a person can get.
So here I am again, in many ways feeling like I did last semester, only this time I have slightly more knowledge to lean on. Even if it feels like God is pulling away from me, I have learned to take comfort in the fact that he's still there. It's like a little girl learning to ride her bike without training wheels. The girl's dad lets her go, but his guiding hand stays close by. Perhaps that's the most appropriate metaphor. I know He's there, but I can't feel it. I just have to keep faith in His being there, and then maybe I will be able to see and feel Him again. For now, I must focus on maintaining my grip on the proper view of life and the big picture of this trial. The hurt remains but (to quote an awesome writer),"Lord you have stripped everything from me. Not to spite me but to get my attention. Its times like these that I know you are working on me, molding me into the [wo]man I asked for you to make me." I would rather be uneasy and growing as a Christian than comfortable and stagnant. I pray that with this struggle God will point my focus inward, so that I can get a glimpse of things within me that are not of Him and change for the better so that I can stop hurting people that get close to me.
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 1:07 AM
So here I am again, in many ways feeling like I did last semester, only this time I have slightly more knowledge to lean on. Even if it feels like God is pulling away from me, I have learned to take comfort in the fact that he's still there. It's like a little girl learning to ride her bike without training wheels. The girl's dad lets her go, but his guiding hand stays close by. Perhaps that's the most appropriate metaphor. I know He's there, but I can't feel it. I just have to keep faith in His being there, and then maybe I will be able to see and feel Him again. For now, I must focus on maintaining my grip on the proper view of life and the big picture of this trial. The hurt remains but (to quote an awesome writer),"Lord you have stripped everything from me. Not to spite me but to get my attention. Its times like these that I know you are working on me, molding me into the [wo]man I asked for you to make me." I would rather be uneasy and growing as a Christian than comfortable and stagnant. I pray that with this struggle God will point my focus inward, so that I can get a glimpse of things within me that are not of Him and change for the better so that I can stop hurting people that get close to me.
Posted on 3.1.2004 at 1:07 AM
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