So, my baby sister left home for Orlando on a trip with her friends (and one of their moms). I was sad to see her go and woke up kinda sad, wishing she was still around. We have so much fun together. That's my pookie. Well, when I woke up and decided to start getting out of the bed my dad was yelling. Honestly, I thought he was yelling at my mom... but that's out of character for him and for their relationship... so then I realized he was yelling at Pookie. She apparently lost her wallet with the $100 they had given her for the trip BEFORE making it out of town. She thought she had put it in her McDonald's bag that had been thrown away at a gas station on the way out of town. Therefore, mom, dad and I pile into the car, drive to this gas station about 20 minutes from the house and go through the trash can in attempts to find this fabled bag, which we hoped had the wallet. Well, we looked all up and through that trash can and the one beside it. There was no wallet. This was a big wallet, mind you... like one of those cigarette case ones.. It was unmistakeably not there. So then we go to the McDonald's and ask again (her friend's dad had gone over there earlier) if they had seen her wallet. They still didn't have it.
One the one hand, I feel bad for her because I know this has put a damper on her trip and she doesn't know what to expect when she gets home... kinda like how I was last weekend. On the other hand I'm like "You're 16, how are you making such poor decisions in keeping up with your money? What's really going on?" Mostly, I think I'm upset at her for messing up the beginning of her trip over something so stupid. This was definitely a learning experience for her though, so I guess it will be for the better in the long term. It just sucks for her today. Poor pookie.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
memorial day . encouragement . gatlinburg
::memorial day weekend::
So, this was drama. I created unnecessary drama for myself by going out of town without explicitly telling both of my parents. I could have SWORN I told my mom, but apparently not. This resulted in a super salty dad and a shortened trip... plus household undercurrent drama once I got home and was afraid to bring up the incident (after getting CUSSED out). Then I was even MORE eager to get a suitable job and get out of my parents' house so that I can resume adulthood. Even though this is not a horrible situation (living in the house with my family after 7 years), it can't be like this permanently. The weekend itself was cool when I wasn't worried about how salty my parents were. I went to Warner Robins and Perry, Georgia. My friend and I visited the (free) Museum of Aviation on Robins AFB, Lane Orchard and (lame) Priester's Pecans. We ate at this great southern restaurant called "Green Derby" that I always noticed on my way to and from Atlanta when I lived in Tallahassee. Apparently it's the "best food in Perry,"...well, it tasted like it could very well have been. I like to eat locally when I go out of town.
::encouragement::
Well, I kinda sorta got into some personal foolishness, mayhem and carrying on recently that caused me to pause and evaluate some things and to back down from the ledge I was standing on ready to jump... in terms of personal values and the things I know I want in life, and the things that are healthy and what God wants for me AND for those around me. Then FINALLY I prayed about it and asked God to help me get my mind right and focused back on the prize, instead of being so focused on my current situation and everything I perceived to be wrong and how NOTHING seems to be happening and how I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because I feel stagnant and instead of the stuff I got myself into. I prayed about that Wednesday night, and as surely as the worlds rolled from my heart into the heavens, when I woke up and checked my email Thursday morning there was a note in my facebook inbox, from an acquaintance (a DISTANT acquaintance, mind you... like exchange a word or two once in 6 months or so) who had written me a lengthy message about how he could sense God's presence on my spirit and how some people probably miss it and how that has likely been a good thing for me... more importantly it was about how I may not feel like anything is happening in my life right now, but that God is CLEARLY working in me and that I should keep heart and stay the course. There was a lot more, but that was most pertinent. I thought WOW. I'm not on facebook like that anymore to where it may be 100% transparent what I'm going through... or more importantly, what message I need to hear. Because of that, I consider it divinely inspired for my benefit. That has to be one of the quickest answers.
[Here's the message from my friend... added 4.4.10]
"Hey, I just read your post. Just wanted to say that you should be full of good hope and courage and know that what God has promised for you does not come with an expiration date. Just remain faithful to God's plan.
Too often times I believe that we as people, Christains included, do not take the time to point out to others the things that we see in them. I said that to say this, God is still grooming you. I haven't priorly mentioned this to you but you are a rather peculiar person. I say and mean that in a good way. I do recall the first time I noticed you at a BGSA meeting heard you speak I did know something was different about you. I didn't know you then, but I have been allowed to get glimpses of you in how you reveal yourself through your writings. Sure there have been a few conversations in-between too, but mainly through what you write is how I have to come to know more about who you are. I can honestly say that I knew then, what I know now, and that is God has His hands on you. To me, it is an unmistakeable presence. Your Spirit is alive and it radiates. Some may never notice, which perhaps for you is a good thing, other may be drawn to it. Nonetheless, you should stay on the path that you are on. What God hath purposed for you shall manifest itself. Continue you to posture yourself for those things. I know it may appear that anything is not happening for you now, but more than meets the eyes is going on in your life. Take this metaphor, I'm sure as an academic person you can appreciate it. I would say you need to complete your research assignment(s) before moving on to bigger thesis projects. There may be some revisions in the process that you have to do, but once He knows you have everything in order you will be happy with the grade (mate perhaps) you recieve.
Certainly you have accomplished personal goals which serve as milestones in an average person life, but you are not average in any shape of the imagination. Continue to press towards the mark of the higher calling in Christ Jesus. What you seek will be revealed. Pray Gods word back to Him. Not because He doesn't know it, but because you want it to stay in your heart. God's word can not return back to Him void, and He is the ultimate promise keeper. I dare you to do that, you will be amazed with the results.
You're a blessed woman of God, and your virtue is to be desired. Take care and continue to run the race."
~W
Also, once I decided to release the situation I'd gotten myself in, it seemed like something else (that I won't talk about in detail) took a turn for the better. Even though I wanted unsaid situtation to be fruitful, I had begun to let it go... it was sitting out on the curb. Maybe it wasn't wise to consider more than one dream at a time? I don't know, but it's looking better now.... So I'll hold tight and see, prayerfully.
::gatlinburg, tn::
My family and I are in Gatlinburg for my mom's 36th year high school class gathering. I think they do something just about every year, if not multiple times a year. It's been pleasant. This weekend is in STARK contrast to last weekend, since my parents aren't upset with me. That's a good thing since we are in close quarters (the car, same hotel room). The Gatlinburg area is cool I guess. I like the mountains, but maybe this part is a bit too touristy. It feels like south Myrtle Beach, SC (if you know the difference between North and South Myrtle Beach by chance). There seems to be a market here for spur-of-the-moment weddings. Our hotel is catty corner from a wedding chapel and on our way to lunch today we passed about 3 wedding dress/tux rental shops. Also, when we got a map of town upon checking in, the map highlighted the location for marriage licenses, with a red heart.
Since I'm 25, this place is sucking a bit as a family getaway; but this place could work as a romantic getaway (in the winter, too many bugs here right now lol). My love and I could rent one of the nice mountain cabins, lock ourselves in, cook for each other, and live off of love for a few days. Seems like it would be cozy and relaxing, fireplace and warm company, in peaceful quiteness... away from the touristy buzz. True to design, however, I would have to come see about the outlet stores, especially Nine West (even though it wasn't talking about much today). And I would absolutely HAVE to go to Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant for southern comfort food. The apple fritters I had earlier today there (complimentary appetizer served with apple butter and apple julep) were to DIE for... someone's mama (not necessarily yours or mine though) needed to be slapped. They were just that good.... it's too bad my stomach wouldn't let me eat my weight in them. But yeah, I'd have to go there and also to the winery next door for some apple wine, to share with my love of course.
We leave Gatlingburg in a few hours.... I'm ready to not be living in a hotel room anymore and in the same room as my parents. Maybe a job will be waiting for me when I get back to Georgia.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
new FIRST poem
So, I haven't written a poem since 2007... and I decided to get back into it. If you look on this blog, you will see that in late 2005 and much of 2006 I was in a zone. I haven't been able to reclaim that zone since. But now, I don't want to reclaim it because it's time for a new zone. I figured I needed a new "first" poem and decided to dedicate it to someone, which is not normal practice for me. The poem is below. It's obviously more of a direct message than a poem, but its what poured out of me. I hope that this is not only my new first poem, but the last first poem I ever have to write... and I hope the person I dedicated it to doesn't hate it. I'm rusty and had to get the point across... but I can do much better, and I (clearly) owe you a "make-up" poem in the future.
Well, here goes...
This is my new "first" poem
and I decided to write it for you.
Why?
Maybe it's because I think about you a lot
or because I like what you represent
or that I think you're cooler
than you could know.
Your card surprised me,
really did. I still smile about it, but...
I get confused that we don't talk
even though your card said
that you wanted to know more
about me.
It's not like I see you,
so what was the game plan there?
Frustrated.
Then I think, this not talking thing,
it's ok too. Enough on my mind,
and I often hate the phone and don't answer it
Not even for my dad... I did that yesterday.
But this is no big change from before
with you and me prior to meeting,
Except we can send texts now.
You want to get to know me,
but be unconcerned with me most of the time?
Then you should write me letters.
I say that with sweetest intent.
In the sea of everything else in my life,
don't let me forget you.
I don't want to,
but how long can one hold on
to two weeks? Especially given
the circumstances.
Could read your card
every day,
but then that would just be
um... crazy.
Well, here goes...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New "First" Poem
This is my new "first" poem
and I decided to write it for you.
Why?
Maybe it's because I think about you a lot
or because I like what you represent
or that I think you're cooler
than you could know.
Your card surprised me,
really did. I still smile about it, but...
I get confused that we don't talk
even though your card said
that you wanted to know more
about me.
It's not like I see you,
so what was the game plan there?
Frustrated.
Then I think, this not talking thing,
it's ok too. Enough on my mind,
and I often hate the phone and don't answer it
Not even for my dad... I did that yesterday.
But this is no big change from before
with you and me prior to meeting,
Except we can send texts now.
You want to get to know me,
but be unconcerned with me most of the time?
Then you should write me letters.
I say that with sweetest intent.
In the sea of everything else in my life,
don't let me forget you.
I don't want to,
but how long can one hold on
to two weeks? Especially given
the circumstances.
Could read your card
every day,
but then that would just be
um... crazy.
i refuse to be idle... even tho i got knocked down
I'm awake now, so I may as well write... right?
So yesterday, I found out that I did NOT land my dream job. The job in my favorite city, the interview that had gone so great. It's a good thing that I did not decide to begin my day until 1pm. If not, I would have had an ENTIRE day to be upset about it. As it was, I found out... cried my eyes OUT and then decided to pull myself together before my sister got off the bus close to 4pm. I couldn't let her see me in such a pitiful state. It's not that I'm too cool to cry around her, but if she saw just how upset I was yesterday then she'd be worried about me. I couldn't have that, so I took a shower and washed my tears away with it. How could they not offer me this job? Didn't they know how BADLY I wanted it? Yeah yeah... and I would have done a damn good job, but the truth is they wanted someone else. Also, if I'm honest with myself... I wasn't really trying to go to work right now. Sure, I don't want all of my little money to run out and to have to rely TOTALLY on my parents in this interim... and I'm going half crazy right now at home all day every day. I need a VERB. But still, right now was not the time to hit the ground running at a full time job. I still wake up in night sweats about my graduate school experience, shoot (not really, but I thought that was a nice way of saying that it's fresh in my mind).
It just hit me on SUNDAY that I'd truly escaped Tallahassee... and it's been a couple of weeks. I was honestly worried that I would not get OUT of there. It grew on me, but folk just kept calling it the black hole, and I didn't think it was the geographical answer to my life. Even though a couple of people made me (in the back of my mind) want to consider getting a job there [ALS, ALM... whoa that's freakish, why are yall's initials so similar??] they're not going to be there permanently... or even after a few months, so why risk getting trapped? I hope that one day, though, I am blessed enough to live near (or even in the same city) as those two individuals though. They are both special to me.
Back to the job. I am at PEACE with it (mostly)... but I'd be lying if at moments I didn't find my thoughts drifting to why I wasn't chosen.... as if I needed more reasons to be unsure of myself. I tell that secondary voice to shut up though. God has given me this time I know. I feel like I'm wasting it though. I seem to be good at that. What not getting this job HAS done is made me wayyy more discouraged overall. That was 1 of 24 applications. Today (er, yesterday really) I started what I like to call "Phase II" of my job search. On my table that lists all the jobs I've applied for (where, what and status) and numbers them, I started a new table below it with the 5 new jobs I've applied to this week with new numbers. I should just make it a practice to begin numbering again every time I hit 10. I do feel like I was bitch slapped and fell on my butt though.
I need a goal other than a job/getting BACK out of my parents' house. One begins on June 1st, reading the bible in 90 days. I should seriously start my running program, but (a) I have no idea where the heck the book is and (b) no idea where my athletic clothes are. I hate living out of a suitcase. I could work on my Esther devotional, but WAIT, can't find that either. Ok... that settles it, I'm going to a Christian bookstore tomorrow to find something to do that's constructive. The good news is that I CAN find my bibles (at least two of them). Real-time decision, that's why I like writing. It helps me gather my thoughts and achieve a clarity I would not otherwise achieve while constantly mulling over the same thoughts repeatedly.
So yesterday, I found out that I did NOT land my dream job. The job in my favorite city, the interview that had gone so great. It's a good thing that I did not decide to begin my day until 1pm. If not, I would have had an ENTIRE day to be upset about it. As it was, I found out... cried my eyes OUT and then decided to pull myself together before my sister got off the bus close to 4pm. I couldn't let her see me in such a pitiful state. It's not that I'm too cool to cry around her, but if she saw just how upset I was yesterday then she'd be worried about me. I couldn't have that, so I took a shower and washed my tears away with it. How could they not offer me this job? Didn't they know how BADLY I wanted it? Yeah yeah... and I would have done a damn good job, but the truth is they wanted someone else. Also, if I'm honest with myself... I wasn't really trying to go to work right now. Sure, I don't want all of my little money to run out and to have to rely TOTALLY on my parents in this interim... and I'm going half crazy right now at home all day every day. I need a VERB. But still, right now was not the time to hit the ground running at a full time job. I still wake up in night sweats about my graduate school experience, shoot (not really, but I thought that was a nice way of saying that it's fresh in my mind).
It just hit me on SUNDAY that I'd truly escaped Tallahassee... and it's been a couple of weeks. I was honestly worried that I would not get OUT of there. It grew on me, but folk just kept calling it the black hole, and I didn't think it was the geographical answer to my life. Even though a couple of people made me (in the back of my mind) want to consider getting a job there [ALS, ALM... whoa that's freakish, why are yall's initials so similar??] they're not going to be there permanently... or even after a few months, so why risk getting trapped? I hope that one day, though, I am blessed enough to live near (or even in the same city) as those two individuals though. They are both special to me.
Back to the job. I am at PEACE with it (mostly)... but I'd be lying if at moments I didn't find my thoughts drifting to why I wasn't chosen.... as if I needed more reasons to be unsure of myself. I tell that secondary voice to shut up though. God has given me this time I know. I feel like I'm wasting it though. I seem to be good at that. What not getting this job HAS done is made me wayyy more discouraged overall. That was 1 of 24 applications. Today (er, yesterday really) I started what I like to call "Phase II" of my job search. On my table that lists all the jobs I've applied for (where, what and status) and numbers them, I started a new table below it with the 5 new jobs I've applied to this week with new numbers. I should just make it a practice to begin numbering again every time I hit 10. I do feel like I was bitch slapped and fell on my butt though.
I need a goal other than a job/getting BACK out of my parents' house. One begins on June 1st, reading the bible in 90 days. I should seriously start my running program, but (a) I have no idea where the heck the book is and (b) no idea where my athletic clothes are. I hate living out of a suitcase. I could work on my Esther devotional, but WAIT, can't find that either. Ok... that settles it, I'm going to a Christian bookstore tomorrow to find something to do that's constructive. The good news is that I CAN find my bibles (at least two of them). Real-time decision, that's why I like writing. It helps me gather my thoughts and achieve a clarity I would not otherwise achieve while constantly mulling over the same thoughts repeatedly.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My New Favorite Song: "Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f/ Chantae Cann
The following is my new favorite song. I love the melody. I suggest you download it... or maybe the ENTIRE CD, "The Polkadotted Stripe" by Jaspects [ iTunes Link for The Polkadotted Stripe ]
"Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f. Chantae Cann
But were we meant to be
Were you meant for me
Or are you here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
Is this love for real or is this make believe
Were we meant to be, is this our destiny
Why must we be lovers, why can't we be friends
How can we return to where we've never been
I don't know, but if we never try, we will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
To these questions I have answers
But only few
I don't know the future
but it seems our love is through
I see that seed of love but I'm afraid to sow
But if I fear to fail
Then I will fail to grow
I don't know, but if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
I can never find another love like you in my life
Crazy as it seems
You may be my dream come true
Loving you may be the hardest thing to do
But I'll try, but I'll try
I'll try to love you with all of my heart and soul
And I'll be there when you need someone to hold
but we can't deny the present for the past
And we can not doubt what may be meant to last
I don't know
You don't know
We don't know
But... if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
"Find My Way to Love" by Jaspects f. Chantae Cann
But were we meant to be
Were you meant for me
Or are you here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
Is this love for real or is this make believe
Were we meant to be, is this our destiny
Why must we be lovers, why can't we be friends
How can we return to where we've never been
I don't know, but if we never try, we will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
To these questions I have answers
But only few
I don't know the future
but it seems our love is through
I see that seed of love but I'm afraid to sow
But if I fear to fail
Then I will fail to grow
I don't know, but if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
My way to love
I can never find another love like you in my life
Crazy as it seems
You may be my dream come true
Loving you may be the hardest thing to do
But I'll try, but I'll try
I'll try to love you with all of my heart and soul
And I'll be there when you need someone to hold
but we can't deny the present for the past
And we can not doubt what may be meant to last
I don't know
You don't know
We don't know
But... if we never try
We will never find
If we were meant to be
If you were meant for me
Or if you're here to help me find
My way to love
Sunday, May 17, 2009
(Mr.) Good Enough
The boyfriends I've had (as an adult... def NOT counting high school) I have always considered good enough. Particularly at the times in which we dated, they were good for the moment, for where I was in life. I entered these relationships without serious consultation with God. Despite my recklessness, God seems to have allowed these past relationships to serve a purpose of personal growth and certainly introspection. In these instances experienced many of my weakness and personal flaws.
One particular instance brought me into view of a young person living His life for Christ, which presented for me a picture of what that could look like and provided steps and resources (human and material) to help my personal pursuit of Jesus, WHICH ironically, I was so wrapped up in the guy and his Christianity that I didn't work on mine. In fact, it seems that the point of our relationship was for me to experience what I have gone through in the aftermath of it. The aftermath was a dark and chaotic time for me that highlighted my need for a personal relationship with Christ (that was not predicated on the experiences of someone else) and my desire for purpose. It also demonstrated for me a good sense of the man I wanted, by creating a strong standard. Now, don't get me wrong. I have two dads a step dad and biological dad, so I know what a husband and a father looks like. One of my dads represents an excellent example of a husband... which I admittedly use as a blueprint on some levels. I don't think that God wants any less for me than someone who was CLEARLY created to be with me. Trust, I don't translate that into expecting perfection, but that does say that when the man presents himself to me in that light, it will be unmistakably clear as long as I stay in touch with how the Lord speaks to me, know that the man is also doing so, and we also approach Him together.
So yeah, this idea of "good enough." I am convinced (though I don't have the exact scripture references) that just as God expects my best for Him that he does not intend "good enough" for me. He does not expect me to settle for good enough, but instead wants me to wait patiently on Him for who or what is best (I shudder at the thought right now honestly, but maybe I will find someday that His perfect will for me does not include marriage.). Hmm, slight problem though, I'm not patient. At a snail's pace, I am beginning to make peace with the concept of God's timing... but if He gave me the choice right now between waiting or having the intended husband, children, and perfect (according to my gifts) career at THIS moment in life TRUST, I would choose the latter situation.
I'm not used to having to wait for the things I want most, as much of what God has given me in life has come without struggle, my family, good grades, admission to universities, subsequent degrees... I tell you though, this husband/family-of-my-own thing has been a great hang up and has certainly caused me numerous times to question God about His motives "what's really going on here?" Oh, and then there is the growing proportion of boo'd up or married people in my life (that are my age). I'm going to be in TWO weddings between now and March, and that's if no one else asks me [even though I keep SWEARING that I won't be in anyone else's wedding who is not sister, bff, or pif]. Sometimes these happenings leave me feeling like I missed the find a husband and get married memo. Oh, and the Hallmark store is the worst to me sometimes.... I see all these congrats on the engagement, wedding, baby shower, anniversary, etc. cards... and I begin to feel, for a moment, that I'm missing out on huge chunks of life. Then I am reminded, through my vague understanding of God's motives, of obvious probable reasons why none of these things are occurring in my life. Plus it's not about everyone else or my need to compare. Also, I should be on my knees thanking GOD that I don't have a baby right now; because I'll admit that it's an act of God's Gracious hand in my life undoubtedly, particularly for who I was a few short years ago... wooo.
I've done my share of whining, pleading with God about my circumstances and what I'd like to see happen and of acknowledging the clarity He has given me thus far on the topic of a husband. So, God has now upped the ante by challenging the way I think and of how I've operated in the past regarding relationships. Mr. Good Enough, is a glorified manifestation of Mr. Right Now. Sure, Mr. Right Now would naturally connote a man that REALLY is not the answer to relationship question... a skeezer, self-professed goon, someone (in my case especially) that does not acknowledge Jesus Christ; but those Mr. Good Enoughs surely sneak up on you. Mr. Good Enough loves God (or at least appears to), comes from a good family or at least appreciates and respects family and family structure, is doing "something" with his life, ambitious.
Mr. Good Enough may appear at a time when you're tired of struggling with loneliness and the endless seas of potential Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Good Enough is more than a cut above the obvious loser. Mr. Good Enough could be the one!!!! Hmmm.... maybe, but it's so easy to get caught up in his good-enough-ness and the surrounding excitement that you neglect God's voice in the matter and are beyond the point of no return before reaching a Divine verdict. Additionally, the Mr. Good Enoughs, when their entrance is timed jussssst right may result in a complete abandonment of Godly consultation and desensitivity to red flags. And just like that, you've sold out. Sold out by choosing the temporary fix over the dream, over what's promised, Mr. Intended (or Mr. Him, as I lovingly refer to whomever he is). Instead of enjoying the solid satisfaction of a love carefully shaped and designed by God, we quickly seize the moment presented to us. Hey, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush right?
Well... what if you were honest with yourself and knew that the bird was a quick fix. All your life you prayed for a cardinal, which was waiting in the bush... but you settle for the pigeon in your hand. What if God, instead of just promising you that He would one day give you a cardinal, showed it to you... like, "That cardinal is for you, but now is not the right time. I just wanted you to see that I heard you."? How is that pigeon looking right now? Does the pigeon still hold the same value, or does prioritization take place? The same with Mr. Good Enough (and Mr. Right Now), if you have caught a divine glimpse of Mr. Intended or if God has somehow encouraged the hope that he is out there looking for you and reminds you in a real way that He (God HEARS you and has your best interest at heart), how does Mr. Good Enough look right now? Are you willing to decline the short-term benefits of Mr. Good Enough for the benefit of your shared destiny with Mr. Intended?... or is the further delay of gratification unthinkable? You've been single long enough, why not lunge (yes, LUNGE) at the chance to be boo'd up like "everyone else"? It's a question of priority and value, short term vs. long term, good enough vs. blessed.
Let's take the idea a step further, consider now vs. eternity. The Mr. Right Nows and Mr. Good Enoughs serve as metaphors for the world and all of our addictions (proclaimed or denied). Mr. Intended is our redemption and subsequent eternal life promised through Christ Jesus. In fact, HE is the ULTIMATE Mr. Intended. He urges us to store up our treasures in heaven, which could be similar to placing priority for Mr. Intended over Mr. Good Enough, by waiting patiently and doing what you're supposed to be doing in the meantime. What's frustrating here is that although we must seek Him out, we already have our love letter. We know his inentions. He is a promise, and the more we work at seeking Him, the more of Him we see (or more accurately, recognize).
As many metaphors are, however, this one is imperfect. We can fervently work to build on our relationship with Christ as soon as our hearts, minds, bodies and souls are fixed on doing so. He has already (for many of us) stated his intentions and asked for our hand again and again and again. The offer of a deep and satisfying love is on the table already!... but unfortunately, it's so easy to accept His hand for a while and continue running back to the temporary happinesses that lie within this world or to even worse, mediocrity... "I'm good. I don't need a challenge. I'm already Christian so God and I have an understanding that I can just stay where I am without being tested and trying to grow." Mr. Good Enough IS the personification of mediocrity, of accepting ok when you can strive for and obtain God's BEST for your life, and for pouring you out for the blessing of others. Even if you've only heard stories about Jesus, you KNOW He did not half step. Why should that be ok for us that claim we are trying to be like Him?
So then, as alluded to before, there is a decision to be made on a couple of levels, (1) do I, having caught a glimpse of the promise and potential greatness of Mr. Intended, jump at the chance to have the present Mr. Good Enough and to also seize the Mr. Good Enoughs that are sure to come? or should I hold out patiently in faith of what I've been told and have seen for myself? After all, Mr. Good Enough will never truly BE good enough. (2) Having been made aware of God's promises through His word, and through prayer and in living my short life, do I continue clinging to the world and to spiritual stagnancy and status quo? or do I leap, in this moment of clarity, into the greatness to which I've been called ONLY through Christ Jesus, at last... for indeed tomorrow (or even the next moment) is not promised. Why not now? The glimpse of the possible and of the promised far outweighs the temporary fix.
*************************************************************************************
Whoa... I just starting writing, seemed like everything went black (no not really) and that's what poured out of my heart. I had no idea that these things I'd been pondering would manifest themselves in this way. It is admittedly far more biographical than you may care to know, so please don't think I'm pointing fingers... not the case at all. Also, if you find yourself thinking "hmm, is she talking about me?" don't assume, ask me.
One particular instance brought me into view of a young person living His life for Christ, which presented for me a picture of what that could look like and provided steps and resources (human and material) to help my personal pursuit of Jesus, WHICH ironically, I was so wrapped up in the guy and his Christianity that I didn't work on mine. In fact, it seems that the point of our relationship was for me to experience what I have gone through in the aftermath of it. The aftermath was a dark and chaotic time for me that highlighted my need for a personal relationship with Christ (that was not predicated on the experiences of someone else) and my desire for purpose. It also demonstrated for me a good sense of the man I wanted, by creating a strong standard. Now, don't get me wrong. I have two dads a step dad and biological dad, so I know what a husband and a father looks like. One of my dads represents an excellent example of a husband... which I admittedly use as a blueprint on some levels. I don't think that God wants any less for me than someone who was CLEARLY created to be with me. Trust, I don't translate that into expecting perfection, but that does say that when the man presents himself to me in that light, it will be unmistakably clear as long as I stay in touch with how the Lord speaks to me, know that the man is also doing so, and we also approach Him together.
So yeah, this idea of "good enough." I am convinced (though I don't have the exact scripture references) that just as God expects my best for Him that he does not intend "good enough" for me. He does not expect me to settle for good enough, but instead wants me to wait patiently on Him for who or what is best (I shudder at the thought right now honestly, but maybe I will find someday that His perfect will for me does not include marriage.). Hmm, slight problem though, I'm not patient. At a snail's pace, I am beginning to make peace with the concept of God's timing... but if He gave me the choice right now between waiting or having the intended husband, children, and perfect (according to my gifts) career at THIS moment in life TRUST, I would choose the latter situation.
I'm not used to having to wait for the things I want most, as much of what God has given me in life has come without struggle, my family, good grades, admission to universities, subsequent degrees... I tell you though, this husband/family-of-my-own thing has been a great hang up and has certainly caused me numerous times to question God about His motives "what's really going on here?" Oh, and then there is the growing proportion of boo'd up or married people in my life (that are my age). I'm going to be in TWO weddings between now and March, and that's if no one else asks me [even though I keep SWEARING that I won't be in anyone else's wedding who is not sister, bff, or pif]. Sometimes these happenings leave me feeling like I missed the find a husband and get married memo. Oh, and the Hallmark store is the worst to me sometimes.... I see all these congrats on the engagement, wedding, baby shower, anniversary, etc. cards... and I begin to feel, for a moment, that I'm missing out on huge chunks of life. Then I am reminded, through my vague understanding of God's motives, of obvious probable reasons why none of these things are occurring in my life. Plus it's not about everyone else or my need to compare. Also, I should be on my knees thanking GOD that I don't have a baby right now; because I'll admit that it's an act of God's Gracious hand in my life undoubtedly, particularly for who I was a few short years ago... wooo.
I've done my share of whining, pleading with God about my circumstances and what I'd like to see happen and of acknowledging the clarity He has given me thus far on the topic of a husband. So, God has now upped the ante by challenging the way I think and of how I've operated in the past regarding relationships. Mr. Good Enough, is a glorified manifestation of Mr. Right Now. Sure, Mr. Right Now would naturally connote a man that REALLY is not the answer to relationship question... a skeezer, self-professed goon, someone (in my case especially) that does not acknowledge Jesus Christ; but those Mr. Good Enoughs surely sneak up on you. Mr. Good Enough loves God (or at least appears to), comes from a good family or at least appreciates and respects family and family structure, is doing "something" with his life, ambitious.
Mr. Good Enough may appear at a time when you're tired of struggling with loneliness and the endless seas of potential Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Good Enough is more than a cut above the obvious loser. Mr. Good Enough could be the one!!!! Hmmm.... maybe, but it's so easy to get caught up in his good-enough-ness and the surrounding excitement that you neglect God's voice in the matter and are beyond the point of no return before reaching a Divine verdict. Additionally, the Mr. Good Enoughs, when their entrance is timed jussssst right may result in a complete abandonment of Godly consultation and desensitivity to red flags. And just like that, you've sold out. Sold out by choosing the temporary fix over the dream, over what's promised, Mr. Intended (or Mr. Him, as I lovingly refer to whomever he is). Instead of enjoying the solid satisfaction of a love carefully shaped and designed by God, we quickly seize the moment presented to us. Hey, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush right?
Well... what if you were honest with yourself and knew that the bird was a quick fix. All your life you prayed for a cardinal, which was waiting in the bush... but you settle for the pigeon in your hand. What if God, instead of just promising you that He would one day give you a cardinal, showed it to you... like, "That cardinal is for you, but now is not the right time. I just wanted you to see that I heard you."? How is that pigeon looking right now? Does the pigeon still hold the same value, or does prioritization take place? The same with Mr. Good Enough (and Mr. Right Now), if you have caught a divine glimpse of Mr. Intended or if God has somehow encouraged the hope that he is out there looking for you and reminds you in a real way that He (God HEARS you and has your best interest at heart), how does Mr. Good Enough look right now? Are you willing to decline the short-term benefits of Mr. Good Enough for the benefit of your shared destiny with Mr. Intended?... or is the further delay of gratification unthinkable? You've been single long enough, why not lunge (yes, LUNGE) at the chance to be boo'd up like "everyone else"? It's a question of priority and value, short term vs. long term, good enough vs. blessed.
Let's take the idea a step further, consider now vs. eternity. The Mr. Right Nows and Mr. Good Enoughs serve as metaphors for the world and all of our addictions (proclaimed or denied). Mr. Intended is our redemption and subsequent eternal life promised through Christ Jesus. In fact, HE is the ULTIMATE Mr. Intended. He urges us to store up our treasures in heaven, which could be similar to placing priority for Mr. Intended over Mr. Good Enough, by waiting patiently and doing what you're supposed to be doing in the meantime. What's frustrating here is that although we must seek Him out, we already have our love letter. We know his inentions. He is a promise, and the more we work at seeking Him, the more of Him we see (or more accurately, recognize).
As many metaphors are, however, this one is imperfect. We can fervently work to build on our relationship with Christ as soon as our hearts, minds, bodies and souls are fixed on doing so. He has already (for many of us) stated his intentions and asked for our hand again and again and again. The offer of a deep and satisfying love is on the table already!... but unfortunately, it's so easy to accept His hand for a while and continue running back to the temporary happinesses that lie within this world or to even worse, mediocrity... "I'm good. I don't need a challenge. I'm already Christian so God and I have an understanding that I can just stay where I am without being tested and trying to grow." Mr. Good Enough IS the personification of mediocrity, of accepting ok when you can strive for and obtain God's BEST for your life, and for pouring you out for the blessing of others. Even if you've only heard stories about Jesus, you KNOW He did not half step. Why should that be ok for us that claim we are trying to be like Him?
So then, as alluded to before, there is a decision to be made on a couple of levels, (1) do I, having caught a glimpse of the promise and potential greatness of Mr. Intended, jump at the chance to have the present Mr. Good Enough and to also seize the Mr. Good Enoughs that are sure to come? or should I hold out patiently in faith of what I've been told and have seen for myself? After all, Mr. Good Enough will never truly BE good enough. (2) Having been made aware of God's promises through His word, and through prayer and in living my short life, do I continue clinging to the world and to spiritual stagnancy and status quo? or do I leap, in this moment of clarity, into the greatness to which I've been called ONLY through Christ Jesus, at last... for indeed tomorrow (or even the next moment) is not promised. Why not now? The glimpse of the possible and of the promised far outweighs the temporary fix.
*************************************************************************************
Whoa... I just starting writing, seemed like everything went black (no not really) and that's what poured out of my heart. I had no idea that these things I'd been pondering would manifest themselves in this way. It is admittedly far more biographical than you may care to know, so please don't think I'm pointing fingers... not the case at all. Also, if you find yourself thinking "hmm, is she talking about me?" don't assume, ask me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
break over
I wonder how much longer I can exist like this, in my parents' house with no job... in limbo. Yes, I have been searching. I've been searching since this past November. I've filled out about 24 applications thus far, which I know is not a lot for quite a few people. I had my first interview on Tuesday (for the job I seriously WANT) as I mentioned.
I'm thinking about how when it was spring break, I wanted 2+ weeks, but now that I have no idea what's next in my life I'm suddenly restless. Knowing that I don't have to return to classes or to my assistantship when Monday rolls around again is kinda scary. What am I supposed to be doing (other than job searching)? Who AM I? I thought I wasn't one of those people whose identity was tied to what they were doing... but a large part of it is. I have to be doing something. If I'm taking a break, it must be from something. I can't just be out here...dangling. If I'm not taking a break from something... then it's not really a break at all. How can I just rest?
I've already decided that if I don't get this position in Atlanta I will be researching a volunteer position at home, something I can do a few hours a day. If I'm not going to be employed... I can at least serve. Ideally, I want to be a regular volunteer somewhere anyway. Why not get a jump on that right now? I enjoyed my time helping out at the coffee shop for my church in Tallahassee at the beginning of the year. What I do know is that I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T be idle. That's not an option, and internet job searching isn't active enough. Once I begin working, I know that I will probably KILL for a break like this, but at the moment, I think I'm more worked up than I would be if I was stressing about something for a job I already had. I haven't slept well or straight through a night for a whole WEEK now. That's not an existence. I mean, sure other things besides livelihood and identity are on my mind, but my career is major.
And then I feel bad. God is like, here, have a break my daughter. He has answered SO many long-standing prayers in a few short weeks for me. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but after all of these lavish blessings where do I again reach that point of desperation... of feeling like God has pulled away from me? How will I react if I am not offered this position I want sooooo badly? I'm afraid that I will forget who knows what's best for me? After a few more weeks of being home, I will begin to feel trapped. I know I will. I'm 25 and have been living away from home for 7 years, alone for the past 3. While it's nice to be around my family, I feel like I will begin to miss my autonomy soon. I guess it's fortunate that I don't have guys out here trying to take me on dates right now, because I feel like my dad would switch to high school mode and treat me like the same little girl who could not date until she graduated from high school.
But shame on me. God keeps blessing and blessing, and I'm grateful, I really am... but I'm relentless! Always asking "What's next? You've done this one Lord, what's next?" I can't begin to tell you what all He's done recently and answered so specifically. Yet here I am, trying to hurry along what He has done, as if I hadn't initially pleaded with Him to get where I am now. I haven't yet learned how to be in the moment, and that's why I can't sleep. :(
I'm thinking about how when it was spring break, I wanted 2+ weeks, but now that I have no idea what's next in my life I'm suddenly restless. Knowing that I don't have to return to classes or to my assistantship when Monday rolls around again is kinda scary. What am I supposed to be doing (other than job searching)? Who AM I? I thought I wasn't one of those people whose identity was tied to what they were doing... but a large part of it is. I have to be doing something. If I'm taking a break, it must be from something. I can't just be out here...dangling. If I'm not taking a break from something... then it's not really a break at all. How can I just rest?
I've already decided that if I don't get this position in Atlanta I will be researching a volunteer position at home, something I can do a few hours a day. If I'm not going to be employed... I can at least serve. Ideally, I want to be a regular volunteer somewhere anyway. Why not get a jump on that right now? I enjoyed my time helping out at the coffee shop for my church in Tallahassee at the beginning of the year. What I do know is that I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T be idle. That's not an option, and internet job searching isn't active enough. Once I begin working, I know that I will probably KILL for a break like this, but at the moment, I think I'm more worked up than I would be if I was stressing about something for a job I already had. I haven't slept well or straight through a night for a whole WEEK now. That's not an existence. I mean, sure other things besides livelihood and identity are on my mind, but my career is major.
And then I feel bad. God is like, here, have a break my daughter. He has answered SO many long-standing prayers in a few short weeks for me. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but after all of these lavish blessings where do I again reach that point of desperation... of feeling like God has pulled away from me? How will I react if I am not offered this position I want sooooo badly? I'm afraid that I will forget who knows what's best for me? After a few more weeks of being home, I will begin to feel trapped. I know I will. I'm 25 and have been living away from home for 7 years, alone for the past 3. While it's nice to be around my family, I feel like I will begin to miss my autonomy soon. I guess it's fortunate that I don't have guys out here trying to take me on dates right now, because I feel like my dad would switch to high school mode and treat me like the same little girl who could not date until she graduated from high school.
But shame on me. God keeps blessing and blessing, and I'm grateful, I really am... but I'm relentless! Always asking "What's next? You've done this one Lord, what's next?" I can't begin to tell you what all He's done recently and answered so specifically. Yet here I am, trying to hurry along what He has done, as if I hadn't initially pleaded with Him to get where I am now. I haven't yet learned how to be in the moment, and that's why I can't sleep. :(
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Patience?
family guests
My grandparents and one of my aunts are here for my mom's doctoral graduation tomorrow. They spend a lot of time discussing people, especially racial issues. My grandparents are 90 and 95 and grew up in the sticks of Mississippi in the heart of racial discord in America. They are very excited that Obama is president. I am too, but I am not interested in engaging in dialogue about what happened back in November. Yay, he won. Let's keep it moving. I don't give a crap about Palin right now, and I don't care to harp on how smart Obama is. After about an hour of beating the political dead horse, I had to respectly let my grandparents know that I was happy, but tired of talking about Obama. Now they are all in kitchen (my mom included) talking about people and about things they don't know much about. I was in my parents' room upstairs for the past couple of hours taking refuge, lol... now that I'm coming up off of my nap, I'm admittedly grumpy... so I'm just sitting over here in a corner trying to ignore the dialogue and thinking about getting my headphones....wait... I just got them. Ahhhh, listening to Janelle Monae on Pandora.
the job
I'm SO anxious now, wanting to hear about the outcome of my interview on Tuesday. I felt like I was at HOME. I know I can be great in the position and connect with the students. I hope the directors and selection committee felt the same way. Altanta is where I want to be. This institution and working with this insitution is what I want to be doing, it's what I went to school for, how I think God has designed me to assist students. I did my best to say that on my interview in so many words and in so many instances. I said everything but PICK ME! I feel like God wants me to have this position, but at the same time I feel like in thinking so, I set myself up for failure. I'm easily disappointed, and this is major. For me this is like the gateway into the rest of my career! Now I'm on edge. I could get a call as early as tomorrow about this position. How am I going to react if they don't offer it to me?... especially since it went so well?? I would cry probably, but I cry at a lot. I should be thankful that in this day and time (economy) regardless of my qualifications, that I was even invited on campus for a second interview. I asked the Lord, after my 'trainwreck'-like phone interview, to give me a chance in person with these folks, and He did. On Tuesday, I walked in full covering of that blessing. I was so at ease and I was actually MYSELF, not some super-nervous, uptight version of me... but grown, professional, light-hearted me who loves students and loves to SMILE. Thank you Jesus.
I should be content with everything that has come to pass over the past few weeks, so many prayers answered. It's obvious that the Lord has lent me His ear and has taken this moment in my life to show me that He has heard me. He has listened to the silent cries of my heart and how I've cried out to Him. I should be content right now, but all I feel right now is anxious and unsettled. What will be the outcomes of all of this? My life feels like a toss up, but I must rely on the fact that God is in control and that His will will be done. That should give me peace.
My grandparents and one of my aunts are here for my mom's doctoral graduation tomorrow. They spend a lot of time discussing people, especially racial issues. My grandparents are 90 and 95 and grew up in the sticks of Mississippi in the heart of racial discord in America. They are very excited that Obama is president. I am too, but I am not interested in engaging in dialogue about what happened back in November. Yay, he won. Let's keep it moving. I don't give a crap about Palin right now, and I don't care to harp on how smart Obama is. After about an hour of beating the political dead horse, I had to respectly let my grandparents know that I was happy, but tired of talking about Obama. Now they are all in kitchen (my mom included) talking about people and about things they don't know much about. I was in my parents' room upstairs for the past couple of hours taking refuge, lol... now that I'm coming up off of my nap, I'm admittedly grumpy... so I'm just sitting over here in a corner trying to ignore the dialogue and thinking about getting my headphones....wait... I just got them. Ahhhh, listening to Janelle Monae on Pandora.
the job
I'm SO anxious now, wanting to hear about the outcome of my interview on Tuesday. I felt like I was at HOME. I know I can be great in the position and connect with the students. I hope the directors and selection committee felt the same way. Altanta is where I want to be. This institution and working with this insitution is what I want to be doing, it's what I went to school for, how I think God has designed me to assist students. I did my best to say that on my interview in so many words and in so many instances. I said everything but PICK ME! I feel like God wants me to have this position, but at the same time I feel like in thinking so, I set myself up for failure. I'm easily disappointed, and this is major. For me this is like the gateway into the rest of my career! Now I'm on edge. I could get a call as early as tomorrow about this position. How am I going to react if they don't offer it to me?... especially since it went so well?? I would cry probably, but I cry at a lot. I should be thankful that in this day and time (economy) regardless of my qualifications, that I was even invited on campus for a second interview. I asked the Lord, after my 'trainwreck'-like phone interview, to give me a chance in person with these folks, and He did. On Tuesday, I walked in full covering of that blessing. I was so at ease and I was actually MYSELF, not some super-nervous, uptight version of me... but grown, professional, light-hearted me who loves students and loves to SMILE. Thank you Jesus.
I should be content with everything that has come to pass over the past few weeks, so many prayers answered. It's obvious that the Lord has lent me His ear and has taken this moment in my life to show me that He has heard me. He has listened to the silent cries of my heart and how I've cried out to Him. I should be content right now, but all I feel right now is anxious and unsettled. What will be the outcomes of all of this? My life feels like a toss up, but I must rely on the fact that God is in control and that His will will be done. That should give me peace.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Just in God's perfect time
So, in the wake of graduation and moving Tallahassee I cross paths with Pip and I can't help but think about how different things might have played out (for better or for worse) had we met back in September when we first connected. I won't say that I regret God's timing or that I even question it. Even with the restrictions of my human heart and mind I can think of quite a few arguments for timing things this way. I won't resent it. I will trust it. I will trust Him. He knows what I need and when. He has shown me and is showing me ESPECIALLY now that HE HEARS ME. What more can I ask for?
When I woke up on the morning of graduation, I was sad. I know I needed to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave the people who meant so much to me. I allowed myself to be confused by God's timing. I was near tears as I waited an HOUR for my friend to be ready to go to lunch. Because I remembered that I had my bible, I pulled it out and thought of some passages to read. I began with Jeremiah 11, the verses surrounding verse 29. Jeremiah 11:29 and context is so important to me right now. God has a plan for my life, I have a destiny to fulfill and even though I can't see where He is taking me, I know that He is working things in my life for eternal betterment.
My bible quest also lead me to Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It reiterated just how beautiful God's timing can be if we don't fight it. Pip may not agree, but there was something beautiful to me about the circumstance of our meeting and being in each other's presence the past two weeks. Also, this verse reminds me that His great plans for my life are grander than the grandest things that I can come up with my own or attempt to work towards.
I'll say no more. Maybe expressing it here in words will help me to process it better though.
When I woke up on the morning of graduation, I was sad. I know I needed to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave the people who meant so much to me. I allowed myself to be confused by God's timing. I was near tears as I waited an HOUR for my friend to be ready to go to lunch. Because I remembered that I had my bible, I pulled it out and thought of some passages to read. I began with Jeremiah 11, the verses surrounding verse 29. Jeremiah 11:29 and context is so important to me right now. God has a plan for my life, I have a destiny to fulfill and even though I can't see where He is taking me, I know that He is working things in my life for eternal betterment.
My bible quest also lead me to Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." It reiterated just how beautiful God's timing can be if we don't fight it. Pip may not agree, but there was something beautiful to me about the circumstance of our meeting and being in each other's presence the past two weeks. Also, this verse reminds me that His great plans for my life are grander than the grandest things that I can come up with my own or attempt to work towards.
I'll say no more. Maybe expressing it here in words will help me to process it better though.
Graduation and Bye Bye Tally
I don't even know what to say, but I'll do my best here.
On Friday, May 1st I graduated with my Master of Science in Higher Education and Student Affairs from Florida State University. I also moved away from Tallahassee, leaving memories and special people behind.
The blur of the past two weeks...
After a long working weekend, spending a lot of study time with my pip in various locations I birthed my research paper in the wee hours of Sunday, April 19. That was the last assignment for my Directed Individual Study on the American Community College.
I immediately began working on my portion of the paper/presentation for our capstone course, Program Financial Management... but I was able to relax a little bit... so I broke the blog ice (as you may have seen). My group presented our project Thursday night, April 23 and then I was done and DONE with all of my coursework.
All I had left to do was clean out my desk at work, write my self-evaluation... and finish packing up my apartment. Pif and I drove a carload to my parent's house in GA on Friday. She said I looked like I was running away from an abusive husband the way I had what looked like ALL of my belongings stuffed into Carmen (my car). Sunday morning I woke up SICK, drove back to Florida that afternoon, went to the Doctor on Monday to find out that I had a Upper Respiratory Infection. I felt so bad Monday through Wednesday that I went to work around noon and could only stay for a couple of hours before needing to get back in the bed. I rarely get sick, but when I experience the ending of a HUGE wave of stress and my body feels like it can chill... it lets me have it with whatever infection it has been fighting all along.
In the midst of being sick, I thought about packing and I went about the business of trying to schedule 'appointments' with people I wanted to see before leaving Tallahassee. On Tuesday night I got offered an on-campus interview for the position I truly want. I don't know yet that God wants me to have it or where He wants me to be, but I will walk the path He places in front of me. That was pretty great. I was super stoked in addition to being excited beforehand that Pip had invited me out for dessert and I was happy to get the opportunity to see him without staring across a library or coffee table and the presence of a laptop. I enjoyed our talk, but I wish he hadn't still been so stressed. I was chipper and I wanted him to be chipper as well... but that's how I function. My True Color (TM) (personality speaking) is Blue and one of my personal mottoes is "I'm ok if you're ok."... and I am an EXTREME Blue. Harmony focused. I like to rejoice with others, not rejoice while I see them still going through.
Wednesday I finally began to feel better, which was great because I had the rest of my apartment to pack by that night, in addition to palmrolling my hair. I finished packing everything (and Carmen) by around 2:30am. I immediately began my hair, which normally takes me about four4 hours... but took me 1 hour and 45 mins this time in my eagerness to go to sleep. I fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 9am to do the final wrap-up and vacuum the floors. I was out of my apartment by 10:30am at which time I turned in my keys and headed to Ruby Salon to get my eyebrows threaded for the first time, which was awesome. I went next door, got a "Sunny Day" smoothie and moseyed on in to work for my last day. Mi jefe y yo went to lunch, BagelHeads YUM! Then I went shopping for a suit because I was not planning to head home to Augusta before my interview in Atlanta on Tuesday.
After shopping, I went to pif's. She was housing me for my last night in Tallahassee. I sat around for a long time, super duper tired, super excited about that night's outing with Pip (AND about my new dress that I bought for such an important occasion. I <3 dresses.) We went to Cafe Cabernet. I had a bit of a rocky/off start, but warmed up and had a good time. The transition from study partners to just hanging out at Cafe Cab and kicking it was semi awkward for me I guess... not that I didn't want to transition.
Graduation and leaving
Friday morning, day of graduation, I ate lunch with one of my friends and ended up rushing to the graduation ceremony. I wasn't late, but I was late for the time that I was asked to be there lol. Pip and I got there at the same time. I was very flustered, semi-disoriented, just a hot mess. I had done a lot in the past 36 hours and it was getting to me. My pif and another friend came to the graduation as well, but Pip provided me the support I needed. I was kinda freaking out and all over the place and he was the calm I needed. He took my stuff and held it for me as I put on my cap and gown. During the ceremony he was sitting where I could see him, and the faces he made and the smiles were entertainment relief for the ceremony that seemed to drag on, especially since I could not text being that I was FACING EVERYONE in the audience.
After the ceremony I was still a mess, but he stood by my side (and with my stuff) as I said goodbye and took pictures with my select friends and Profs. He bore with me as I hastily ripped off my robe, hood, and cap because I was HOT, fixed me a little plate of refreshments, waited for me to change into my maxi dress that I was driving to Atlanta in. Carried my stuff outside and sat with me while I recharged (or kind of attempted to) and let everything slow down a minute so I could get my head right for the 4.5hr drive. Yes, I needed to get my bearings, but honestly I wanted a moment with him. I knew it was the last time I'd see him for a while. I hate that I had to be such a mess and that I know he was there stressing about his interviews and busy weekend ahead. I didn't want to hold him up, but I also wanted him to be there with me as long as he could. He had slipped a card into my bag, but since I was expecting it to be the card my friend Karen gave me and didn't realize it was from him until I finished reading it the full message and significance of the card did not officially hit me until I read it when I reached Atlanta and I was like whoa, but in pleasantly surprised way.
It was time to go, so he walked me to my car and I drove him to his as I played "Prototype" which I had been jammin to for the past couple of days. I parked and we hugged. I didn't want to let go and drive away. As much as I enjoyed the past two super stressful weeks because they allowed Pip and I to meet, I feel shortchanged... like we didn't get to hang out enough before I had to whisk myself away to GA. The card brought up a lot of sentiments that I also felt, but we didn't get the opportunity to debrief them in person.
On Friday, May 1st I graduated with my Master of Science in Higher Education and Student Affairs from Florida State University. I also moved away from Tallahassee, leaving memories and special people behind.
The blur of the past two weeks...
After a long working weekend, spending a lot of study time with my pip in various locations I birthed my research paper in the wee hours of Sunday, April 19. That was the last assignment for my Directed Individual Study on the American Community College.
I immediately began working on my portion of the paper/presentation for our capstone course, Program Financial Management... but I was able to relax a little bit... so I broke the blog ice (as you may have seen). My group presented our project Thursday night, April 23 and then I was done and DONE with all of my coursework.
All I had left to do was clean out my desk at work, write my self-evaluation... and finish packing up my apartment. Pif and I drove a carload to my parent's house in GA on Friday. She said I looked like I was running away from an abusive husband the way I had what looked like ALL of my belongings stuffed into Carmen (my car). Sunday morning I woke up SICK, drove back to Florida that afternoon, went to the Doctor on Monday to find out that I had a Upper Respiratory Infection. I felt so bad Monday through Wednesday that I went to work around noon and could only stay for a couple of hours before needing to get back in the bed. I rarely get sick, but when I experience the ending of a HUGE wave of stress and my body feels like it can chill... it lets me have it with whatever infection it has been fighting all along.
In the midst of being sick, I thought about packing and I went about the business of trying to schedule 'appointments' with people I wanted to see before leaving Tallahassee. On Tuesday night I got offered an on-campus interview for the position I truly want. I don't know yet that God wants me to have it or where He wants me to be, but I will walk the path He places in front of me. That was pretty great. I was super stoked in addition to being excited beforehand that Pip had invited me out for dessert and I was happy to get the opportunity to see him without staring across a library or coffee table and the presence of a laptop. I enjoyed our talk, but I wish he hadn't still been so stressed. I was chipper and I wanted him to be chipper as well... but that's how I function. My True Color (TM) (personality speaking) is Blue and one of my personal mottoes is "I'm ok if you're ok."... and I am an EXTREME Blue. Harmony focused. I like to rejoice with others, not rejoice while I see them still going through.
Wednesday I finally began to feel better, which was great because I had the rest of my apartment to pack by that night, in addition to palmrolling my hair. I finished packing everything (and Carmen) by around 2:30am. I immediately began my hair, which normally takes me about four4 hours... but took me 1 hour and 45 mins this time in my eagerness to go to sleep. I fell asleep around 5am, woke up at 9am to do the final wrap-up and vacuum the floors. I was out of my apartment by 10:30am at which time I turned in my keys and headed to Ruby Salon to get my eyebrows threaded for the first time, which was awesome. I went next door, got a "Sunny Day" smoothie and moseyed on in to work for my last day. Mi jefe y yo went to lunch, BagelHeads YUM! Then I went shopping for a suit because I was not planning to head home to Augusta before my interview in Atlanta on Tuesday.
After shopping, I went to pif's. She was housing me for my last night in Tallahassee. I sat around for a long time, super duper tired, super excited about that night's outing with Pip (AND about my new dress that I bought for such an important occasion. I <3 dresses.) We went to Cafe Cabernet. I had a bit of a rocky/off start, but warmed up and had a good time. The transition from study partners to just hanging out at Cafe Cab and kicking it was semi awkward for me I guess... not that I didn't want to transition.
Graduation and leaving
Friday morning, day of graduation, I ate lunch with one of my friends and ended up rushing to the graduation ceremony. I wasn't late, but I was late for the time that I was asked to be there lol. Pip and I got there at the same time. I was very flustered, semi-disoriented, just a hot mess. I had done a lot in the past 36 hours and it was getting to me. My pif and another friend came to the graduation as well, but Pip provided me the support I needed. I was kinda freaking out and all over the place and he was the calm I needed. He took my stuff and held it for me as I put on my cap and gown. During the ceremony he was sitting where I could see him, and the faces he made and the smiles were entertainment relief for the ceremony that seemed to drag on, especially since I could not text being that I was FACING EVERYONE in the audience.
After the ceremony I was still a mess, but he stood by my side (and with my stuff) as I said goodbye and took pictures with my select friends and Profs. He bore with me as I hastily ripped off my robe, hood, and cap because I was HOT, fixed me a little plate of refreshments, waited for me to change into my maxi dress that I was driving to Atlanta in. Carried my stuff outside and sat with me while I recharged (or kind of attempted to) and let everything slow down a minute so I could get my head right for the 4.5hr drive. Yes, I needed to get my bearings, but honestly I wanted a moment with him. I knew it was the last time I'd see him for a while. I hate that I had to be such a mess and that I know he was there stressing about his interviews and busy weekend ahead. I didn't want to hold him up, but I also wanted him to be there with me as long as he could. He had slipped a card into my bag, but since I was expecting it to be the card my friend Karen gave me and didn't realize it was from him until I finished reading it the full message and significance of the card did not officially hit me until I read it when I reached Atlanta and I was like whoa, but in pleasantly surprised way.
It was time to go, so he walked me to my car and I drove him to his as I played "Prototype" which I had been jammin to for the past couple of days. I parked and we hugged. I didn't want to let go and drive away. As much as I enjoyed the past two super stressful weeks because they allowed Pip and I to meet, I feel shortchanged... like we didn't get to hang out enough before I had to whisk myself away to GA. The card brought up a lot of sentiments that I also felt, but we didn't get the opportunity to debrief them in person.
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