break over

I wonder how much longer I can exist like this, in my parents' house with no job... in limbo. Yes, I have been searching. I've been searching since this past November. I've filled out about 24 applications thus far, which I know is not a lot for quite a few people. I had my first interview on Tuesday (for the job I seriously WANT) as I mentioned.

I'm thinking about how when it was spring break, I wanted 2+ weeks, but now that I have no idea what's next in my life I'm suddenly restless. Knowing that I don't have to return to classes or to my assistantship when Monday rolls around again is kinda scary. What am I supposed to be doing (other than job searching)? Who AM I? I thought I wasn't one of those people whose identity was tied to what they were doing... but a large part of it is. I have to be doing something. If I'm taking a break, it must be from something. I can't just be out here...dangling. If I'm not taking a break from something... then it's not really a break at all. How can I just rest?

I've already decided that if I don't get this position in Atlanta I will be researching a volunteer position at home, something I can do a few hours a day. If I'm not going to be employed... I can at least serve. Ideally, I want to be a regular volunteer somewhere anyway. Why not get a jump on that right now? I enjoyed my time helping out at the coffee shop for my church in Tallahassee at the beginning of the year. What I do know is that I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T be idle. That's not an option, and internet job searching isn't active enough. Once I begin working, I know that I will probably KILL for a break like this, but at the moment, I think I'm more worked up than I would be if I was stressing about something for a job I already had. I haven't slept well or straight through a night for a whole WEEK now. That's not an existence. I mean, sure other things besides livelihood and identity are on my mind, but my career is major.

And then I feel bad. God is like, here, have a break my daughter. He has answered SO many long-standing prayers in a few short weeks for me. I feel like I've won the lottery or something, but after all of these lavish blessings where do I again reach that point of desperation... of feeling like God has pulled away from me? How will I react if I am not offered this position I want sooooo badly? I'm afraid that I will forget who knows what's best for me? After a few more weeks of being home, I will begin to feel trapped. I know I will. I'm 25 and have been living away from home for 7 years, alone for the past 3. While it's nice to be around my family, I feel like I will begin to miss my autonomy soon. I guess it's fortunate that I don't have guys out here trying to take me on dates right now, because I feel like my dad would switch to high school mode and treat me like the same little girl who could not date until she graduated from high school.

But shame on me. God keeps blessing and blessing, and I'm grateful, I really am... but I'm relentless! Always asking "What's next? You've done this one Lord, what's next?" I can't begin to tell you what all He's done recently and answered so specifically. Yet here I am, trying to hurry along what He has done, as if I hadn't initially pleaded with Him to get where I am now. I haven't yet learned how to be in the moment, and that's why I can't sleep. :(