I've been feeling uneasy about my dating situation, because there hasn't been sure footing. I keep second guessing myself and the man. I can't remember a time in my young adult life where I allowed someone to make me feel so insecure, and I refuse to blame it on the pregnancy. Last night after he fell off of the radar earlier in the evening, I had a lot of time to think. Perhaps thinking is sometimes clearer when a person is sleeping.
I'm not sure about the man, in terms of having significant other potential for me any time soon. We clearly want different things at the moment. I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down and have a family. I've done school and I've begun my career, now I want my love. However, more important than that, it is time for me to make a clean break from my past. Leaving Atlanta was the first main break from that... but even though I've lived away from there for nearly three years, that separation has taken forever. I am JUST now making the official separation. I still care very much about my friends there, but it's time to dig my heels in and grow some adult roots here in Virginia. God wants me to be here for some reason... or a few reasons.
The second main break is a break from my past actions and thoughts. For a long time I've been in a holding pattern in my friendships and dating relationships. My relationships with friends have been pretty shallow, when it comes to God... for the most part. I do have a few friends that partner with me and we support each other in our walks with God. My dating relationships have been horrible, to say the very least. Each time, for the past few years, I say that I am looking for someone specific and not making allowances for the sake of not being alone. However, I've compromised and lost so much. No relationship should come between me and my heavenly Father. If I'm dating a man that takes me away from my spiritual path (or that I allow to take me away from it... or step backward), then he's not who God has for me... or at least not in that moment. I should respect that and step back. It's so easy to get caught up in winning affections and ignore the big picture initially. Eventually, all that I'm left with is the big picture. The longer I hang on, the more uneasy I get and the spiritual nudges are hard to ignore... it's not working... it's not working... it's not working.
Part of why it's so important for me to have close friends that I can lean on in my spiritual walk is so they can help me find a husband! Lol! But seriously, if I don't feel comfortable bringing up a guy to my friends that I know are walking with God then there is a problem. I should be able to discuss full details with them as far as the extent of my relationship with the guy without any shame or hesitation. It should be held in the light. Sadly, I can't do that with this guy. I have compromised too much in the way of my values and things I know to be true, particularly with regards to physical contact.
A male friend told me once that: "A man should never subject a woman to his uncertainty." That's a true statement. A confused or undecided man is not dateable. I can't join with a man in a meaningful, intimate way (beyond friendship) as he is trying to get himself together... especially knowing that our desires for the moment don't align. I want to enter into a relationship that leads into marriage and he knows he's not ready yet because there are things he wants to/needs to do for himself. While it's not fair for an uncertain man to pursue a woman who clearly wants more... it's also unfair for a woman, realizing that the man is not ready, to pursue the man who clearly does not want more. It's a gross distortion of reality and an uphill battle that neither should undertake. I can't speak for the man... but the woman is clearly NOT herself in this situation.
A woman deserves to be pursued by a man that wants her, a man with a plan. That's God's design... even better (in my opinion of course) if they are friends first. You'd think, as much as I've written about refusing to settle for a less-than situation, that I would have learned this lesson by now... but perhaps I'm ready this time to truly take my hands off the wheel, step back, and submit to Jesus as Lord of my relationships.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
ack! (this will probably read very disjointed)
I've never had so many conflicting emotions in my life. Pregnancy has definitely taken my toll on how I emotionally navigate my life. At times hormones DO get the best of me, but I'm convinced that I've been on my best behavior.... despite the fact that pre-pregnancy I was prone to the occasional spas-out.
So why was today such a trip?... extreme high (totally elated about my day at work, almost teared up when I shared good news with a student) to extreme low (despair, reminded that I'm doing this thing alone). The despair was only intensified by the fact that I had no one to share my happiness with and that my current condition, as well as some of my foolishness in the past I feel, inhibits my ability (or more my willingness) to connect with someone... or let myself get too attached. I call it guarding my heart, but maybe I'm being overly careful.
How can I be overly careful in my situation? If I mess up, I'm messing up mine AND my child's lives. I'm not just f'ing up my own situation anymore. There's an even larger picture to think about these days. So no matter how much I like you, I might feel that the wall I've built around my heart might need to be a little taller and stronger now than my previous days. No matter how smitten I might actually be, I can't reveal all of it.... but you can trust that I will own up to it once I see that you might really stick around.
I'm a big girl now, that means being mature about things. Actions do speak louder than words, but it's wise to read both actions and words. I totally love it if your actions show that you have a sincere interest in getting to know me as a person and all that... but I listen intently, and if your words show me that you might not be able to back-up all of this newlyfound interest with something that resembles a commitment right now then my guard needs to stay where it is. I love openness because people tell you who they are... and it signals me to act accordingly, something that I am FINALLY learning to do, but pregnancy makes it sooooo difficult. I want someone now more than ever, yet I have to be that much more careful and self-aware. I must know who it is that I want and why so that I'm not leading on some poor soul.
Perhaps it's better for all parties ever involved if I just stay put? Perhaps never speaking up and deciding that keeping in contact would have been the better thing to do?... maybe I could relieve some of the anguish I feel now when certain things don't happen as I expected them to, when I don't get the responses I think I should get.
I just don't understand how I can go from euphoria to feeling like my life is in shambles in the span of a few hours... but I do know it's not fair for me to subject someone else to it.
So why was today such a trip?... extreme high (totally elated about my day at work, almost teared up when I shared good news with a student) to extreme low (despair, reminded that I'm doing this thing alone). The despair was only intensified by the fact that I had no one to share my happiness with and that my current condition, as well as some of my foolishness in the past I feel, inhibits my ability (or more my willingness) to connect with someone... or let myself get too attached. I call it guarding my heart, but maybe I'm being overly careful.
How can I be overly careful in my situation? If I mess up, I'm messing up mine AND my child's lives. I'm not just f'ing up my own situation anymore. There's an even larger picture to think about these days. So no matter how much I like you, I might feel that the wall I've built around my heart might need to be a little taller and stronger now than my previous days. No matter how smitten I might actually be, I can't reveal all of it.... but you can trust that I will own up to it once I see that you might really stick around.
I'm a big girl now, that means being mature about things. Actions do speak louder than words, but it's wise to read both actions and words. I totally love it if your actions show that you have a sincere interest in getting to know me as a person and all that... but I listen intently, and if your words show me that you might not be able to back-up all of this newlyfound interest with something that resembles a commitment right now then my guard needs to stay where it is. I love openness because people tell you who they are... and it signals me to act accordingly, something that I am FINALLY learning to do, but pregnancy makes it sooooo difficult. I want someone now more than ever, yet I have to be that much more careful and self-aware. I must know who it is that I want and why so that I'm not leading on some poor soul.
Perhaps it's better for all parties ever involved if I just stay put? Perhaps never speaking up and deciding that keeping in contact would have been the better thing to do?... maybe I could relieve some of the anguish I feel now when certain things don't happen as I expected them to, when I don't get the responses I think I should get.
I just don't understand how I can go from euphoria to feeling like my life is in shambles in the span of a few hours... but I do know it's not fair for me to subject someone else to it.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Feeling some kinda way
Yesterday morning (technically) I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep within 30 minutes. I decided to get out of bed, and all I could think about was eating breakfast because I was hungry and realizing I only had one egg, no oatmeal, etc. I was due for a grocery store run anyway, so I decided to do the 'unthinkable'... I went to Walmart before dawn! I hate Walmart, but it was actually pleasant before dawn. There were no long lines and I wasn't tripping over other shoppers. I got a parking spot up front, just past the handicapped parking. I now have NO excuse to eat take out (unless someone else is paying), because I have more than enough food... especially vegetables. Well, actually, I am going to have to make a protein run soon and get some more chicken and meat. With the exception of buying kitchen stuff, like a baking sheet and place mats,I stuck to my list VERY well. I made lots of trips in between my car and the inside of my apartment once I got home though. That's annoying, it'd be nice to have help.
It doesn't seem that help is for me though. Clearly I'm supposed to essentially be doing most of this alone. If not, I feel like God would have sent me some more help. My friends are supportive, but this pregnancy is just a whole lot of me. My parents seem to be more controlling that supportive much of the time. My sisters are excited, but I don't know how excited they'd be if they truly knew how hard this was for me by myself. I try to be excited about my little girl who's coming, but it's hard to see past the struggle and all of the things that are unsettled regarding her. It sucks, and I'm not going to lie, I RESENT my situation right now. Why did God choose to allow this to happen to me like this? Never in a million years would I have thought that my first pregnancy would be almost hateful... I run the spectrum from 'can't wait to meet her' to 'maybe I should just stop living' (in my deepest darkest moments). I never get so swept up into my negative emotions to consider ending my life for real, but sometimes I do think things would be better for both of us right now if neither of us existed.
But I chose to stand up for life, and now that I'm starting to see how hard it is... I second guess whether or not I could have made the same decision if I had a better look into what it would look like. I would like to think that I'd never have seriously considered abortion though. God only knows. I hope he blesses me for keeping her, even though that's not why I chose to keep her. It felt like the only thing to do. I would carry to full term and KEEP my baby. I need to name her Mia, because it means "mine" and she's all mine.
Still, it all leaves me feeling some kinda way...
It doesn't seem that help is for me though. Clearly I'm supposed to essentially be doing most of this alone. If not, I feel like God would have sent me some more help. My friends are supportive, but this pregnancy is just a whole lot of me. My parents seem to be more controlling that supportive much of the time. My sisters are excited, but I don't know how excited they'd be if they truly knew how hard this was for me by myself. I try to be excited about my little girl who's coming, but it's hard to see past the struggle and all of the things that are unsettled regarding her. It sucks, and I'm not going to lie, I RESENT my situation right now. Why did God choose to allow this to happen to me like this? Never in a million years would I have thought that my first pregnancy would be almost hateful... I run the spectrum from 'can't wait to meet her' to 'maybe I should just stop living' (in my deepest darkest moments). I never get so swept up into my negative emotions to consider ending my life for real, but sometimes I do think things would be better for both of us right now if neither of us existed.
But I chose to stand up for life, and now that I'm starting to see how hard it is... I second guess whether or not I could have made the same decision if I had a better look into what it would look like. I would like to think that I'd never have seriously considered abortion though. God only knows. I hope he blesses me for keeping her, even though that's not why I chose to keep her. It felt like the only thing to do. I would carry to full term and KEEP my baby. I need to name her Mia, because it means "mine" and she's all mine.
Still, it all leaves me feeling some kinda way...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Updates... updates...
I got a job in mid-August. I've been working for three full weeks now. God is good. I had a boyfriend, also for the past month and a half, but we just broke up this past week. It wasn't meant to be though, at least not right now. I've been in a carpe diem state of mind recently. The relationship was great while it lasted, and since we let it go at the right time, we can still be good friends. I'm happy with that.
It always sucks to lose a connection like that though. I hate letting go of people in that way. God knows that I don't like break ups. I want every boyfriend to be the last boyfriend. I want to be married. I want a family. A lot of times I feel like I'm behind... but it's not that I'm behind now. I am finally maturing to that point where I truly WOULD like to have a family of my own. It used to be more of a race in my mind, a comparison between me and other friends/acquaintances my age. Not so now... I want to build a life with someone and have babies.
Why not? I wonder how long I have to wait for all of that. I understand, though, that it's best to wait on God's timing. Little by little I'm learning. I learned a lot from the recent relationship, especially about myself, that I can carry into a relationship with someone else and make it that much stronger. In that sense I really feel good about how things unfolded.
I feel like I am FINALLY learning to "live in the moment"...well, as best as someone like me who's prone to planning can live. Of course I still dream and look ahead. I've always been a dreamer. Sometimes God allows my wishes to turn into dreams and goals. I try not to wish. Wishing implies that life is not ok as it is. I came to that conclusion last week. Also, instead of saying "I hope" I am trying to say "I pray"... it's not that anyone confronted me about it. I just think that merely hoping denies God's infinite power over our lives and allows us to be passive. In saying "I pray," I am also attempting to actually say a quick, few-words prayer about whatever it is... constant acknowledgment of God and going to Him in prayer. In doing that it seems like I get feedback more quickly and I don't forget to address with Him things that have been concerning me.
Even with so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and closer to God than I have before. I am looking to the simplicity of walking with Jesus, rather than trying to over think everything. God is leading me now, because I am FINALLY "letting" Him. I'm more free than I've ever been. Knowing that I'm following God has also assisted me in making peace with my family's differing views on how I'm going about my life... like who I date, when I decided to move out of my grandparents' house, whose house I moved into, etc. Parental opinion has played a big role in my life thus far, even though I'm already 25. I am very close with parents and other family members, so I desire their approval and confirmation that I'm making good decisions. When we don't agree it bothers me a bit, but I'm getting better at not caring. I don't always know what I'm doing, but it's ok for me to experience my life as I go about it. I'm an adult. :)
It always sucks to lose a connection like that though. I hate letting go of people in that way. God knows that I don't like break ups. I want every boyfriend to be the last boyfriend. I want to be married. I want a family. A lot of times I feel like I'm behind... but it's not that I'm behind now. I am finally maturing to that point where I truly WOULD like to have a family of my own. It used to be more of a race in my mind, a comparison between me and other friends/acquaintances my age. Not so now... I want to build a life with someone and have babies.
Why not? I wonder how long I have to wait for all of that. I understand, though, that it's best to wait on God's timing. Little by little I'm learning. I learned a lot from the recent relationship, especially about myself, that I can carry into a relationship with someone else and make it that much stronger. In that sense I really feel good about how things unfolded.
I feel like I am FINALLY learning to "live in the moment"...well, as best as someone like me who's prone to planning can live. Of course I still dream and look ahead. I've always been a dreamer. Sometimes God allows my wishes to turn into dreams and goals. I try not to wish. Wishing implies that life is not ok as it is. I came to that conclusion last week. Also, instead of saying "I hope" I am trying to say "I pray"... it's not that anyone confronted me about it. I just think that merely hoping denies God's infinite power over our lives and allows us to be passive. In saying "I pray," I am also attempting to actually say a quick, few-words prayer about whatever it is... constant acknowledgment of God and going to Him in prayer. In doing that it seems like I get feedback more quickly and I don't forget to address with Him things that have been concerning me.
Even with so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and closer to God than I have before. I am looking to the simplicity of walking with Jesus, rather than trying to over think everything. God is leading me now, because I am FINALLY "letting" Him. I'm more free than I've ever been. Knowing that I'm following God has also assisted me in making peace with my family's differing views on how I'm going about my life... like who I date, when I decided to move out of my grandparents' house, whose house I moved into, etc. Parental opinion has played a big role in my life thus far, even though I'm already 25. I am very close with parents and other family members, so I desire their approval and confirmation that I'm making good decisions. When we don't agree it bothers me a bit, but I'm getting better at not caring. I don't always know what I'm doing, but it's ok for me to experience my life as I go about it. I'm an adult. :)
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wanderland
As some of you may have noticed, I haven't written one of these things in a while. Well, that's largely because I don't usually feel like writing when I'm not happy with how things are unfolding (or not unfolding) in my life or if I'm just plain sad or frustrated for whatever reason. In stead of whining on here about these things, I've battered twitter with laments (that I often delete soon after) or just hold it in or share with close relatives or friends.
As of today, I've been unemployed for exactly THREE months and ONE day. Yes, now that three months have passed, I've decided to quantify it. Sadly it's just been a series of closing--no--SLAMMING doors, one after the other after the other. I know I'm qualified, and while I may make mistakes in interviews, I am convinced that there is an overlying spiritual factor in why I am still unemployed. That's very frustrating because it's like, what can I do if GOD doesn't seem to want me to have a job yet.
Unemployment, when I wasn't running out of my financial reserves, however, was cool. I've traveled quite a bit this summer... to Atlanta a few times, up to VA a couple of times, to Gatlinburg TN to hang out in the smokey mountains, to Destin, FL for a week with the family, and soon to Batesville, MS for a family reunion. If you know me, then you understand that I LOVE to travel. I like racking up miles. So yeah, that part of my summer was kinda glamourous. In my traveling I was in a wedding for some dear friends, soaked in some sun rays, rode some waves, saw loved ones and good friends. Despite the whole "I don't have a job" uncertainty dimension, it's been a dang good summer. I haven't spent much time at my parents' house in Augusta, GA... well not really when compared to the rest of the time.
On the downside, I went to on-campus interviews for two separate positions/departments at the same institution and got turned down for both. One department was SO trifling that after I COMPLETELY came out of pocket traveling to the interview, they didn't even contact me to let me know the position was filled or whatever. I may have mentioned that in a blog though... been so long I can't remember. I know that I wouldn't run my business like that though. Enough of that, the latter interview, in retrospect I realize that I wasn't ready for. Other than that I've had a few phone interviews, one in person interview. I decided that I wasn't trying to be near my family in GA (hence, searching in Atlanta, Charlotte and surrounding areas), I really wanted to be near my 2nd hometown, Norfolk, VA... part of the seven cities/ Hampton Roads area.
That's where I am now, staying with grandparents and searching aimlessly (feels like) for a position, part-time or full-time, that will allow me to use my skills and passions. Problem: I think I've lost sight of what I'm passionate about. I love to write, but it seems like all other sense of passion has all but curled up and DIED. This adds to my franticness in searching because I'm REALLY losing direction now. I only have bits and pieces like... um, I want to work with people, I LOVE helping people. I write well, I'm good at encouraging and advising, and connecting with people. Please hire me.... um, no.
At the beginning of last week I signed up to work for a temp agency. I just KNEW I'd be placed at at least ONE assignment by now.... but no. My mom told me to look at other temp agencies. I will, because I need income in order to continue existing here in VA. This whole figure-out-what-to-start-doing-in-life search is sucking more and MORE by the day. Meanwhile, I've created more 'drama' for myself. As if not having a job or a true home or independence anymore wasn't enough... I all but professed my love (or what I THOUGHT could be love) for a long-time childhood friend.
Can we say crash and BURN? I learned that twitter is a major vice of mine when I choose to treat it like a stream of consciousness. NO ONE but God should know most of what I'm thinking, especially not when it's about someone I have strong feelings for. The guy doesn't have to (or need to or want to know) what all (or half of what) is going on in my crazy head. The job search has been taxing, but I feel quite idle... and they say idle hands are the devil's playground... indeed. Seems that he's used my idleness to further help me jack up my currently not-so-super life. Thankssss. Totally shot myself in the foot, but I guess it's better to no what's up (and what's not up) than to continue on thinking a certain way (spoken or unspoken) and being a fool. I feel fool enough with my life in shambles without adding the unnecessary further emotional dimension of romantic love. SHEESH.
What was I thinking? I know, I was thinking carpe diem! You only live once, but I didn't realize what I was tinkering with. I wish I could take it all back honestly, not that I didn't mean it... because I did. It's just that there is a time and place for everything, a season... and I failed to be patient and recognize that "not now." Even tho a part of me still feels very much now-or-never about it... but perhaps never is the only answer. That's what I get for trying to do my OWN rendition of a life plan and leaving God out of it. I could kick myself a thousand times for my behavior. I was very very hurt when he came to me on Saturday like "whoooooaaaaaa, I can't do this." Very sad, felt weird... life is certainly AGAINST me right now. Everything else seemed to be in opposition to me, and now this.
GREAT, I thought. Ok God... when are things going to start actually appearing to work out in my favor? I know that I must trust that they are, but they appear to be going STRAIGHT to crap, and quickly. So I've been praying, asking God for direction, a definite path. I went to my church here in VA on Saturday evening (www.vineyardchurch.com) and wouldn't you know the sermon was about finding your dream... like conferring with God and really spending time alone with him to figure out what your purpose is and getting a vision for your life from Him. Right on time, I thought. I wrote copious notes and considered the value in spending more intentional quiet time with God in addition to the normal, here and there prayer. I felt better, but still kinda battered.
This endless searching with no results has taken a serious toll on me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because I feel like I'll just be doing the SAME stuff with no results. Just over and over and over again. My dreams (while asleep, for clarity) are thousands of times better than my life has been for the past few years, especially the past few months. It sucks to be merely existing. I wonder, what's my purpose? I feel so useless now. No one wants me, no one seems to want me to work for them. I have skills and experience. I'm sweet... at least that's what I thought. I'm tired of dangling. It's depressing. I'd just rather stay in bed... and if I'm in bed, why bother eating more than a bite or two? I'm not doing anything.... just a waste of energy and space.
Feeling this way, I know this cannot POSSIBLY be God's best, but how do I break the holding pattern? I've lost the ability to see ahead of me. I honestly don't know WHAT to do. Then my mom calls me, like 'Hey, have you called your older cousin? Well, you need to call her. I've been praying for you a lot with your situation and VA really is a dead end for you right now. She has this big even that she's planning for the company (major computer company) she works for that you should help her with, maybe as an intern.' Then I started to cry, because I REALLY wanted to stay in VA. I like it here. Why can't VA work out? Probably for the same reason that ATL and Charlotte were dead ends in MY search: God is in control. My little plans for my life are NO match for the big plans that He has for the life He's given ME to live.
I've gone with the flow pretty well this summer, flowing past and around all of the closing doors... enjoying opportunities to get out of town. When I came up to VA, even though I packed MOST of my stuff, (like EVERYTHING I need to stay some place for MONTHS as long as the weather doesn't change) I figured it could end up NOT being a permanent move. I suppose my goal was to get out of GA and be somewhere that I wouldn't mind being with people that I like to be around... and where I had space. I have PLENTY of space at my grandparents house. They treat me a little more like I'm 25 than do my parents, so I appreciate being here. But yeah, I knew that I could end up being summoned to another place and that's why I have so much of my stuff. I'm on the go, ready for whatever.
Why not? I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I just hope that tomorrow brings a reason to get out of bed.... because, frankly, I've lost the reason. I had sunk to that point at home in GA, so it was time to get out of there... but now I suppose, that only after a week, it may be time to leave my beloved VA as well. I'm ready to declare, that as of today, I am done with my VA job search. I'll respond to correspondence for applications that I've already put out there, but no more of this frantic searching here.
The best thing I can do with the rest of my time here is use it to serve and help out. I'm going to contact the People in Need (PIN) ministry at my church tomorrow to see how I can help out there, otherwise I will talk to my family and see how I can help out with fixing up my great grandmother's house or assist with the family business. Even though I'm not searching, there will be no reason to just be lying around the house or in the bed. Maybe I'll take care of my friend's baby boy if she needs me to, just however I can be of service.
One thing that has gone drastically awry this summer is that I meant to help others but I very quickly got sucked into my desire, perceived need to get a job and OUT of my parents' house ASAP. I mean I spent all that extra time in school getting a Masters degree for crying out loud, I thought. But I have since learned that all of that means NOTHING, if I'm not sensitive to what God wants me to do, and how can I know that if I don't ask him and LISTEN for the reply instead of yelling at him what I want or making waves where they shouldn't be by barking up inappropriate 'trees'?
I am ashamed at how much I have focused on myself these past few months.... like effortlessly. The least I could have done while staying in my parents' house (when I wasn't out of town) was to cook the meal every evening. I cooked once or twice and I did offer after the first 2 months to start cooking the meal once I got back in town (from VA the first time). It never materialized and I wasn't around long enough anyway to make it a solid thing.... just shameful. Enough beating myself up though, I'm human.
For now there is much praying and serving and visiting and packing to be done. MUCH prayer indeed, I need more clarity even though He's given me answers, QUICK answers today. There is still one thing that I'm struggling with a lot internally, that I need to make peace with and let go. Perhaps in letting go, God will free my spirit in such a way foster an edifying relationship between us both... since we are going through the same thing in a lot of ways. Maybe we are meant to share with each other what God has been revealing to us.
I dunno, but God does. I've said enough. I hope that anyone who read this was able to get something useful out of it and that it just wasn't a waste of words that helped me.
As of today, I've been unemployed for exactly THREE months and ONE day. Yes, now that three months have passed, I've decided to quantify it. Sadly it's just been a series of closing--no--SLAMMING doors, one after the other after the other. I know I'm qualified, and while I may make mistakes in interviews, I am convinced that there is an overlying spiritual factor in why I am still unemployed. That's very frustrating because it's like, what can I do if GOD doesn't seem to want me to have a job yet.
Unemployment, when I wasn't running out of my financial reserves, however, was cool. I've traveled quite a bit this summer... to Atlanta a few times, up to VA a couple of times, to Gatlinburg TN to hang out in the smokey mountains, to Destin, FL for a week with the family, and soon to Batesville, MS for a family reunion. If you know me, then you understand that I LOVE to travel. I like racking up miles. So yeah, that part of my summer was kinda glamourous. In my traveling I was in a wedding for some dear friends, soaked in some sun rays, rode some waves, saw loved ones and good friends. Despite the whole "I don't have a job" uncertainty dimension, it's been a dang good summer. I haven't spent much time at my parents' house in Augusta, GA... well not really when compared to the rest of the time.
On the downside, I went to on-campus interviews for two separate positions/departments at the same institution and got turned down for both. One department was SO trifling that after I COMPLETELY came out of pocket traveling to the interview, they didn't even contact me to let me know the position was filled or whatever. I may have mentioned that in a blog though... been so long I can't remember. I know that I wouldn't run my business like that though. Enough of that, the latter interview, in retrospect I realize that I wasn't ready for. Other than that I've had a few phone interviews, one in person interview. I decided that I wasn't trying to be near my family in GA (hence, searching in Atlanta, Charlotte and surrounding areas), I really wanted to be near my 2nd hometown, Norfolk, VA... part of the seven cities/ Hampton Roads area.
That's where I am now, staying with grandparents and searching aimlessly (feels like) for a position, part-time or full-time, that will allow me to use my skills and passions. Problem: I think I've lost sight of what I'm passionate about. I love to write, but it seems like all other sense of passion has all but curled up and DIED. This adds to my franticness in searching because I'm REALLY losing direction now. I only have bits and pieces like... um, I want to work with people, I LOVE helping people. I write well, I'm good at encouraging and advising, and connecting with people. Please hire me.... um, no.
At the beginning of last week I signed up to work for a temp agency. I just KNEW I'd be placed at at least ONE assignment by now.... but no. My mom told me to look at other temp agencies. I will, because I need income in order to continue existing here in VA. This whole figure-out-what-to-start-doing-in-life search is sucking more and MORE by the day. Meanwhile, I've created more 'drama' for myself. As if not having a job or a true home or independence anymore wasn't enough... I all but professed my love (or what I THOUGHT could be love) for a long-time childhood friend.
Can we say crash and BURN? I learned that twitter is a major vice of mine when I choose to treat it like a stream of consciousness. NO ONE but God should know most of what I'm thinking, especially not when it's about someone I have strong feelings for. The guy doesn't have to (or need to or want to know) what all (or half of what) is going on in my crazy head. The job search has been taxing, but I feel quite idle... and they say idle hands are the devil's playground... indeed. Seems that he's used my idleness to further help me jack up my currently not-so-super life. Thankssss. Totally shot myself in the foot, but I guess it's better to no what's up (and what's not up) than to continue on thinking a certain way (spoken or unspoken) and being a fool. I feel fool enough with my life in shambles without adding the unnecessary further emotional dimension of romantic love. SHEESH.
What was I thinking? I know, I was thinking carpe diem! You only live once, but I didn't realize what I was tinkering with. I wish I could take it all back honestly, not that I didn't mean it... because I did. It's just that there is a time and place for everything, a season... and I failed to be patient and recognize that "not now." Even tho a part of me still feels very much now-or-never about it... but perhaps never is the only answer. That's what I get for trying to do my OWN rendition of a life plan and leaving God out of it. I could kick myself a thousand times for my behavior. I was very very hurt when he came to me on Saturday like "whoooooaaaaaa, I can't do this." Very sad, felt weird... life is certainly AGAINST me right now. Everything else seemed to be in opposition to me, and now this.
GREAT, I thought. Ok God... when are things going to start actually appearing to work out in my favor? I know that I must trust that they are, but they appear to be going STRAIGHT to crap, and quickly. So I've been praying, asking God for direction, a definite path. I went to my church here in VA on Saturday evening (www.vineyardchurch.com) and wouldn't you know the sermon was about finding your dream... like conferring with God and really spending time alone with him to figure out what your purpose is and getting a vision for your life from Him. Right on time, I thought. I wrote copious notes and considered the value in spending more intentional quiet time with God in addition to the normal, here and there prayer. I felt better, but still kinda battered.
This endless searching with no results has taken a serious toll on me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because I feel like I'll just be doing the SAME stuff with no results. Just over and over and over again. My dreams (while asleep, for clarity) are thousands of times better than my life has been for the past few years, especially the past few months. It sucks to be merely existing. I wonder, what's my purpose? I feel so useless now. No one wants me, no one seems to want me to work for them. I have skills and experience. I'm sweet... at least that's what I thought. I'm tired of dangling. It's depressing. I'd just rather stay in bed... and if I'm in bed, why bother eating more than a bite or two? I'm not doing anything.... just a waste of energy and space.
Feeling this way, I know this cannot POSSIBLY be God's best, but how do I break the holding pattern? I've lost the ability to see ahead of me. I honestly don't know WHAT to do. Then my mom calls me, like 'Hey, have you called your older cousin? Well, you need to call her. I've been praying for you a lot with your situation and VA really is a dead end for you right now. She has this big even that she's planning for the company (major computer company) she works for that you should help her with, maybe as an intern.' Then I started to cry, because I REALLY wanted to stay in VA. I like it here. Why can't VA work out? Probably for the same reason that ATL and Charlotte were dead ends in MY search: God is in control. My little plans for my life are NO match for the big plans that He has for the life He's given ME to live.
I've gone with the flow pretty well this summer, flowing past and around all of the closing doors... enjoying opportunities to get out of town. When I came up to VA, even though I packed MOST of my stuff, (like EVERYTHING I need to stay some place for MONTHS as long as the weather doesn't change) I figured it could end up NOT being a permanent move. I suppose my goal was to get out of GA and be somewhere that I wouldn't mind being with people that I like to be around... and where I had space. I have PLENTY of space at my grandparents house. They treat me a little more like I'm 25 than do my parents, so I appreciate being here. But yeah, I knew that I could end up being summoned to another place and that's why I have so much of my stuff. I'm on the go, ready for whatever.
Why not? I don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I just hope that tomorrow brings a reason to get out of bed.... because, frankly, I've lost the reason. I had sunk to that point at home in GA, so it was time to get out of there... but now I suppose, that only after a week, it may be time to leave my beloved VA as well. I'm ready to declare, that as of today, I am done with my VA job search. I'll respond to correspondence for applications that I've already put out there, but no more of this frantic searching here.
The best thing I can do with the rest of my time here is use it to serve and help out. I'm going to contact the People in Need (PIN) ministry at my church tomorrow to see how I can help out there, otherwise I will talk to my family and see how I can help out with fixing up my great grandmother's house or assist with the family business. Even though I'm not searching, there will be no reason to just be lying around the house or in the bed. Maybe I'll take care of my friend's baby boy if she needs me to, just however I can be of service.
One thing that has gone drastically awry this summer is that I meant to help others but I very quickly got sucked into my desire, perceived need to get a job and OUT of my parents' house ASAP. I mean I spent all that extra time in school getting a Masters degree for crying out loud, I thought. But I have since learned that all of that means NOTHING, if I'm not sensitive to what God wants me to do, and how can I know that if I don't ask him and LISTEN for the reply instead of yelling at him what I want or making waves where they shouldn't be by barking up inappropriate 'trees'?
I am ashamed at how much I have focused on myself these past few months.... like effortlessly. The least I could have done while staying in my parents' house (when I wasn't out of town) was to cook the meal every evening. I cooked once or twice and I did offer after the first 2 months to start cooking the meal once I got back in town (from VA the first time). It never materialized and I wasn't around long enough anyway to make it a solid thing.... just shameful. Enough beating myself up though, I'm human.
For now there is much praying and serving and visiting and packing to be done. MUCH prayer indeed, I need more clarity even though He's given me answers, QUICK answers today. There is still one thing that I'm struggling with a lot internally, that I need to make peace with and let go. Perhaps in letting go, God will free my spirit in such a way foster an edifying relationship between us both... since we are going through the same thing in a lot of ways. Maybe we are meant to share with each other what God has been revealing to us.
I dunno, but God does. I've said enough. I hope that anyone who read this was able to get something useful out of it and that it just wasn't a waste of words that helped me.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
just me bloggin about my trip
So upon returning home from my trip to see Pif and the guy... I ripped up and threw away the graduation card and thank you note from guy. Why hold on to such things? That's all I will say about that situation though, as slanderous behavior is NOT necessary.
My trip to Tallahassee was good I got to see Pif. She looks well. I don't miss Tallahassee, but I do miss her. The only full days I was there were Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I pretty much stayed in the house during the day (I DID run and get Pif's belated bday present when she came home for lunch tho, lol)... and then I went to an art gallery with one of my homeboys. I thought it was cool of him to invite me there... definitely enjoyed the pieces that I saw there. We had some good dialogue about what some of the artists may have been thinking when they decided to produce the artwork. We talked about colors and mediums and stuff. Very pleasant. I remembered what it was like to be around someone (a man) who was genuinely concerned with my well-being, my thoughts, wanted to take care of me. He treated me to Zaxby's... even tho I just ended up ordering the kid's meal, which he thought was funny. You laugh, but I like smaller portions. I was full before I could get to my bag of bug-shaped graham crackers.
Later that day I was upset about something, then I decided I was just gonna be like F it... so I was. Went with Pif and company for (free) dinner that night... and I didn't eat... too salty to eat then. We went to a club to celebrate Pif's birthday and I was chipper for a moment... then extra chipper after a couple of drinks then CRASH... total emotional down spiral. I know my tweets were ridiculous ( I had to do some damage control once I got home). I really do appreciate all my friends for holding me down though.
Friday I decided to stay in most of the day, but SOMEHOW ended up at the mall buying myself a dress... as if my money is not currently dwindling due to my unemployed status... sigh. Went to dinner with Pif and other company, ordered a $4 salad which turned out to be $2.10 which was great. Then, I went out with one of my 'students' to just chat about life and dreams and God. That was pretty nice. It's nice to pick young[er] people's brains and see their perspective on things. After that... I spent time with another friend, just having a heart-to-heart and sharing music and stuff. It was pure lovely. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave my friends. Those people mean a lot to me.
Sorry... I know this blog didn't really SAY anything, but I wanted to record my trip experience.
My trip to Tallahassee was good I got to see Pif. She looks well. I don't miss Tallahassee, but I do miss her. The only full days I was there were Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I pretty much stayed in the house during the day (I DID run and get Pif's belated bday present when she came home for lunch tho, lol)... and then I went to an art gallery with one of my homeboys. I thought it was cool of him to invite me there... definitely enjoyed the pieces that I saw there. We had some good dialogue about what some of the artists may have been thinking when they decided to produce the artwork. We talked about colors and mediums and stuff. Very pleasant. I remembered what it was like to be around someone (a man) who was genuinely concerned with my well-being, my thoughts, wanted to take care of me. He treated me to Zaxby's... even tho I just ended up ordering the kid's meal, which he thought was funny. You laugh, but I like smaller portions. I was full before I could get to my bag of bug-shaped graham crackers.
Later that day I was upset about something, then I decided I was just gonna be like F it... so I was. Went with Pif and company for (free) dinner that night... and I didn't eat... too salty to eat then. We went to a club to celebrate Pif's birthday and I was chipper for a moment... then extra chipper after a couple of drinks then CRASH... total emotional down spiral. I know my tweets were ridiculous ( I had to do some damage control once I got home). I really do appreciate all my friends for holding me down though.
Friday I decided to stay in most of the day, but SOMEHOW ended up at the mall buying myself a dress... as if my money is not currently dwindling due to my unemployed status... sigh. Went to dinner with Pif and other company, ordered a $4 salad which turned out to be $2.10 which was great. Then, I went out with one of my 'students' to just chat about life and dreams and God. That was pretty nice. It's nice to pick young[er] people's brains and see their perspective on things. After that... I spent time with another friend, just having a heart-to-heart and sharing music and stuff. It was pure lovely. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave Tallahassee, but I didn't want to leave my friends. Those people mean a lot to me.
Sorry... I know this blog didn't really SAY anything, but I wanted to record my trip experience.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
On a more serious note...
I can't remember the last time I was just happy... you know, happy happy. Can't remember the last time I was just... sigh... cool with what I was doing, who I was, where I was... just content. Maybe I've never been content and all of my life has been laced with angst and anxiety, but I think it just snowballs and gets worse and worse. Now I find myself here in this place where I feel absolutely stuck and feel like I have none of what I currently want... here again with princess problems, admittedly. It's just that the stuff I've come to want for my life at this age is not tangible. No one but God can give me these things.
All I know is that I'm tired of being sad and being down on myself, wondering what's wrong with me, why isn't my life how I want it to be? Why am I not ok with how it is now? In a few short hours I will be loading up the car with my mom and sister heading to the beach for a few days. Normally this would be exciting to me. I like the beach, but I have been DRAGGING my feet and not wanting to go, took me forever to muster the momentum to pack. My BFF, her mother, aunt cousin and a friend of the family will all be there and I guess I just don't feel like being around a whole bunch of extra people for an extended amount of time. I thought about it further and it's close quarters, limited personal autonomy on my part (having to flow with the group probably) and just ugh, I'm not in the mood.
Further evaluation... I'm not happy and on this trip I will have to pretend to be and I don't have the energy for that right now, nor the interest in hearing someone try to fix my problems by prescribing me some list of what they think I need to do so quick surfacey fix. I'm tired of people trying to help me out with the fact that I think/worry too much by telling me to stop thinking or to not worry. What the hell? Do you know that if I was able to do that then I would be able to sleep well at night, which I don't and I haven't for years.
If this is what adult life will continue to be for me, you can take it back. I don't want it. I understand that I'm not supposed to be circumstancially happy but have joy in the Lord. That just hasn't become real to me yet. I am ashamed that with all God has done for me, some of which I've explained in blog entries, He's still not real to me. I've not yet seen the cross. It hasn't all clicked for me. I know it all must be true, but my heart doesn't believe it. Thus, unhappy me... unwilling and unable to let go of all the stuff I've been holding on to for forever and walk by faith. I don't know how to do it. I'm just panicking. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I say that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, but I act and live like I don't believe it.
All I know is that I'm tired of being sad and being down on myself, wondering what's wrong with me, why isn't my life how I want it to be? Why am I not ok with how it is now? In a few short hours I will be loading up the car with my mom and sister heading to the beach for a few days. Normally this would be exciting to me. I like the beach, but I have been DRAGGING my feet and not wanting to go, took me forever to muster the momentum to pack. My BFF, her mother, aunt cousin and a friend of the family will all be there and I guess I just don't feel like being around a whole bunch of extra people for an extended amount of time. I thought about it further and it's close quarters, limited personal autonomy on my part (having to flow with the group probably) and just ugh, I'm not in the mood.
Further evaluation... I'm not happy and on this trip I will have to pretend to be and I don't have the energy for that right now, nor the interest in hearing someone try to fix my problems by prescribing me some list of what they think I need to do so quick surfacey fix. I'm tired of people trying to help me out with the fact that I think/worry too much by telling me to stop thinking or to not worry. What the hell? Do you know that if I was able to do that then I would be able to sleep well at night, which I don't and I haven't for years.
If this is what adult life will continue to be for me, you can take it back. I don't want it. I understand that I'm not supposed to be circumstancially happy but have joy in the Lord. That just hasn't become real to me yet. I am ashamed that with all God has done for me, some of which I've explained in blog entries, He's still not real to me. I've not yet seen the cross. It hasn't all clicked for me. I know it all must be true, but my heart doesn't believe it. Thus, unhappy me... unwilling and unable to let go of all the stuff I've been holding on to for forever and walk by faith. I don't know how to do it. I'm just panicking. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I say that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, but I act and live like I don't believe it.
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