Feeling some kinda way

Yesterday morning (technically) I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep within 30 minutes. I decided to get out of bed, and all I could think about was eating breakfast because I was hungry and realizing I only had one egg, no oatmeal, etc. I was due for a grocery store run anyway, so I decided to do the 'unthinkable'... I went to Walmart before dawn! I hate Walmart, but it was actually pleasant before dawn. There were no long lines and I wasn't tripping over other shoppers. I got a parking spot up front, just past the handicapped parking. I now have NO excuse to eat take out (unless someone else is paying), because I have more than enough food... especially vegetables. Well, actually, I am going to have to make a protein run soon and get some more chicken and meat. With the exception of buying kitchen stuff, like a baking sheet and place mats,I stuck to my list VERY well. I made lots of trips in between my car and the inside of my apartment once I got home though. That's annoying, it'd be nice to have help.

It doesn't seem that help is for me though. Clearly I'm supposed to essentially be doing most of this alone. If not, I feel like God would have sent me some more help. My friends are supportive, but this pregnancy is just a whole lot of me. My parents seem to be more controlling that supportive much of the time. My sisters are excited, but I don't know how excited they'd be if they truly knew how hard this was for me by myself. I try to be excited about my little girl who's coming, but it's hard to see past the struggle and all of the things that are unsettled regarding her. It sucks, and I'm not going to lie, I RESENT my situation right now. Why did God choose to allow this to happen to me like this? Never in a million years would I have thought that my first pregnancy would be almost hateful... I run the spectrum from 'can't wait to meet her' to 'maybe I should just stop living' (in my deepest darkest moments). I never get so swept up into my negative emotions to consider ending my life for real, but sometimes I do think things would be better for both of us right now if neither of us existed.

But I chose to stand up for life, and now that I'm starting to see how hard it is... I second guess whether or not I could have made the same decision if I had a better look into what it would look like. I would like to think that I'd never have seriously considered abortion though. God only knows. I hope he blesses me for keeping her, even though that's not why I chose to keep her. It felt like the only thing to do. I would carry to full term and KEEP my baby. I need to name her Mia, because it means "mine" and she's all mine.

Still, it all leaves me feeling some kinda way...