I've never had so many conflicting emotions in my life. Pregnancy has definitely taken my toll on how I emotionally navigate my life. At times hormones DO get the best of me, but I'm convinced that I've been on my best behavior.... despite the fact that pre-pregnancy I was prone to the occasional spas-out.
So why was today such a trip?... extreme high (totally elated about my day at work, almost teared up when I shared good news with a student) to extreme low (despair, reminded that I'm doing this thing alone). The despair was only intensified by the fact that I had no one to share my happiness with and that my current condition, as well as some of my foolishness in the past I feel, inhibits my ability (or more my willingness) to connect with someone... or let myself get too attached. I call it guarding my heart, but maybe I'm being overly careful.
How can I be overly careful in my situation? If I mess up, I'm messing up mine AND my child's lives. I'm not just f'ing up my own situation anymore. There's an even larger picture to think about these days. So no matter how much I like you, I might feel that the wall I've built around my heart might need to be a little taller and stronger now than my previous days. No matter how smitten I might actually be, I can't reveal all of it.... but you can trust that I will own up to it once I see that you might really stick around.
I'm a big girl now, that means being mature about things. Actions do speak louder than words, but it's wise to read both actions and words. I totally love it if your actions show that you have a sincere interest in getting to know me as a person and all that... but I listen intently, and if your words show me that you might not be able to back-up all of this newlyfound interest with something that resembles a commitment right now then my guard needs to stay where it is. I love openness because people tell you who they are... and it signals me to act accordingly, something that I am FINALLY learning to do, but pregnancy makes it sooooo difficult. I want someone now more than ever, yet I have to be that much more careful and self-aware. I must know who it is that I want and why so that I'm not leading on some poor soul.
Perhaps it's better for all parties ever involved if I just stay put? Perhaps never speaking up and deciding that keeping in contact would have been the better thing to do?... maybe I could relieve some of the anguish I feel now when certain things don't happen as I expected them to, when I don't get the responses I think I should get.
I just don't understand how I can go from euphoria to feeling like my life is in shambles in the span of a few hours... but I do know it's not fair for me to subject someone else to it.
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