Realizations

I've been feeling uneasy about my dating situation, because there hasn't been sure footing. I keep second guessing myself and the man. I can't remember a time in my young adult life where I allowed someone to make me feel so insecure, and I refuse to blame it on the pregnancy. Last night after he fell off of the radar earlier in the evening, I had a lot of time to think. Perhaps thinking is sometimes clearer when a person is sleeping.

I'm not sure about the man, in terms of having significant other potential for me any time soon. We clearly want different things at the moment. I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down and have a family. I've done school and I've begun my career, now I want my love. However, more important than that, it is time for me to make a clean break from my past. Leaving Atlanta was the first main break from that... but even though I've lived away from there for nearly three years, that separation has taken forever. I am JUST now making the official separation. I still care very much about my friends there, but it's time to dig my heels in and grow some adult roots here in Virginia. God wants me to be here for some reason... or a few reasons.

The second main break is a break from my past actions and thoughts. For a long time I've been in a holding pattern in my friendships and dating relationships. My relationships with friends have been pretty shallow, when it comes to God... for the most part. I do have a few friends that partner with me and we support each other in our walks with God. My dating relationships have been horrible, to say the very least. Each time, for the past few years, I say that I am looking for someone specific and not making allowances for the sake of not being alone. However, I've compromised and lost so much. No relationship should come between me and my heavenly Father. If I'm dating a man that takes me away from my spiritual path (or that I allow to take me away from it... or step backward), then he's not who God has for me... or at least not in that moment. I should respect that and step back. It's so easy to get caught up in winning affections and ignore the big picture initially. Eventually, all that I'm left with is the big picture. The longer I hang on, the more uneasy I get and the spiritual nudges are hard to ignore... it's not working... it's not working... it's not working.

Part of why it's so important for me to have close friends that I can lean on in my spiritual walk is so they can help me find a husband! Lol! But seriously, if I don't feel comfortable bringing up a guy to my friends that I know are walking with God then there is a problem. I should be able to discuss full details with them as far as the extent of my relationship with the guy without any shame or hesitation. It should be held in the light. Sadly, I can't do that with this guy. I have compromised too much in the way of my values and things I know to be true, particularly with regards to physical contact.

A male friend told me once that: "A man should never subject a woman to his uncertainty." That's a true statement. A confused or undecided man is not dateable. I can't join with a man in a meaningful, intimate way (beyond friendship) as he is trying to get himself together... especially knowing that our desires for the moment don't align. I want to enter into a relationship that leads into marriage and he knows he's not ready yet because there are things he wants to/needs to do for himself. While it's not fair for an uncertain man to pursue a woman who clearly wants more... it's also unfair for a woman, realizing that the man is not ready, to pursue the man who clearly does not want more. It's a gross distortion of reality and an uphill battle that neither should undertake. I can't speak for the man... but the woman is clearly NOT herself in this situation.

A woman deserves to be pursued by a man that wants her, a man with a plan. That's God's design... even better (in my opinion of course) if they are friends first. You'd think, as much as I've written about refusing to settle for a less-than situation, that I would have learned this lesson by now... but perhaps I'm ready this time to truly take my hands off the wheel, step back, and submit to Jesus as Lord of my relationships.