Pfabulous

I've been saying 'fabulous' a lot lately and using it to describe how I'm feeling. I'm just sooooo excited. Man, I have to go to class now. More later...

like tomorrow.
Posted on 1.30.2007 at 2:36 PM

gRudgES

Why do we (people) hold grudges and keep a record of stuff that certain people have done against us, or of stuff that people didn't really do to us but we associate them with anyway? Like, why because I'm linked to a situation that hurtful to you do you have to all of a sudden do the whole 'fake "Hi"' thing and smile because you feel like you're obligated t do so? Don't fake smile at me, I'm no longer in the business of faking smiles... you should quit too, it's liberating. This is a twisted world where many of us, most of us are walking around with these huge debilitating emotional scars that are at best hidden from eye of people who are at least making the effort to see them. Sadly, a lot of us don't even know we're hurting... that's scary, but to add insult to injury... we continually lash at each other in various ways, like "I'm hurting, so I don't want ol' girl to be happy." I wish we could all cut the crap and stop hiding behind these shrouds of pride that we nurse, having to remind ourselves every second of every day, 'I'm worth it, because I'm a good person, because I have all these things, because I can do this, because I'm better than they are."... when really we could be so much more if we didn't buy into the dog-eat-dog mentality of popular culture. I wonder why we have to spend so much time competing against, rather than loving, other people. I wonder why I've been hurt so much that I have to continually check my attitudes and actions for fear that I might become that 'angry black woman' that everyone has talked about, might know, but doesn't want to become. I just think, would it be so hard for you (some men) to just let down your guard, stop the games and love, and be loved. Why does it have to be a conquest, like divide, conquer and hurt? AHHHH! I used to wear my baby diamond ring on my left finger as a commitment to myself to not date for a while after my last boyfriend, but now I wear it for fear. I'm afraid that if I encounter more of the BS and get hurt one more time in the same way, I will become that angry, bitter woman and I'm not trying to be her, Lord help me.

On a lighter note, I had a fabulous day... I just wish it wasn't so cold.


Posted on 1.22.2007 at 5:07 PM

12-hour boyfriend

Yes, I had a significant other for a few hours last night... unfortunately it was only on camera. The significant thing about it though was that I reached some necessary realizations about life, about my life, about God's plan for me, about patience... You could say I had and epiphany...

We drove out to North Georgia to film an iMovie. I was playing someone's girlfriend in the film, which was weird for me having been single for quite a while, but cool. My co-star dude was cool as hell, personality off the chain and that made filming life so much easier... being that this was my acting debut (and probably the fall of my career at the same time, lol). Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I stayed up all night, yep... I still have not slept... anyways though... I thought a lot during my allnighter. I feel like I gained perspective on the whole relationship thing, finally. Last night on the way to the mountains I was thinking about patience and how I need some in this whole significant-other-acquiring deal, but at that point it felt more like a distant notion. However, this morning as the sun was rising over I-575 as we all headed back to the city it hit me like, 'Wow, I know so many cool guys that it's nice to be single sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time." The single life if spent wisely and treasured really is a beautiful thing. I can just up and randomly play girlfriend to a beautiful, cool dude with no worries and just have fun and just be me, as I'm continually figuring out who she is through such experiences. I like having roots and a place to rest but it's nice right now to just be able to pick up and do whatever (almost) not having to answer to anyone but God.... not that I'm being destructive. It's just nice to be free of wifely and girlfriendly pressures and duties and expectations and emotions. Also, I'm thinking if God is letting me keep all of these cool guys for friends, then I KNOW he's got an awesome man planned for me to meet (or maybe we've already met) and get together eventually in His perfectly Divine timing. I just need to walk in the patience and keep faith and hope in the revealing of His plan for my life. So what's the point in stressing over where I am right now. I'd do right to enjoy every moment so that I won't end up a middleaged wife who feels like she needs to revisit her 20's and pick up something she missed or let go of too quickly... or be that girlfriend who pressures her man to propose when he's not ready to be on that tip. I thank God that I can finally see that now.
Posted on 1.17.2007 at 3:03 PM

Fruta

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

So... I've read this pair of verses quite a few times before, but I never seriously considered the application beyond surface Christianity until today. For me, these verses (and their context Galatians 5) have two specific implications for my life. They are (and I hope this does not oversimplify things): (1) Seeing these fruits in my walk with God and in my day-to-day experiences/actions will show me whether or not I am led by the Spirit (a gift of God, not merely my own decision or efforts)... or giving in to the sinful nature (You're probably saying 'duh') (2) If I want to discern... by the grace of God... a person or situation to see if they are of God (or at least consistent with who they claim to be) I can scroll down the fruit of the Spirit checklist regarding the specific situation outwardly and what the Spirit is telling me inwardly (like a sixth sense). The latter of the two is probably the most meaningful to me at this moment in my life, however. I look at the fruit of the Spirit and I can apply it to current practical situations: relationship, school, career outlook. Then I can sift each situation through the fruit of the Spirit specifications, like am I patiently waiting/relying on God to provide me with Mr. Tailored-for-Me or am I frustrated and mad about being expected to patient? Why did I choose to re-apply to graduate school in the places I did?... What will my final decision be based on (provided I'm accepted to both)?... Thinking about my career situation would follow similar questioning, but overall discerning these things involves more than questioning. Asking a simple question provides initial on-the-spot screening but I think we really should ask the Holy Spirit to reveal dimensions of whatever or whomever we're dealing with that we can only see through spiritual sight.

But yeah, I could go on and on about that... I just wanted to share what I saw.
Posted on 1.16.2007 at 1:03 PM

Bless the Lord, O my soul

So today I log on to see if my FSU application is complete and I see that they have received my GSU transcript, but not my GT transcript and I sent them in the same envelope so I had to call up there... After being on hold for a long time, they tracked my transcript down...along with GRE scores (even though they aren't official). I don't know why I let myself worry so much as if God hasn't had my back so far. Even when I sometimes feel like He's 'messed me up' I can look back on it later and see part of the purpose. I mean, I'm going through things right now...those of you who know me know that... and honestly I do feel a little neglected in one facet of my life, but in the back of my heart I still feel on some levels like He's rooting for me and has things all under control. I guess my primary frustration with that is God's timing, eternally it's perfect but from a human standpoint it seems like forever and I wonder when my happily ever after is going to begin but then I am reminding that it started when Jesus was on the cross and said "It is finished!" That exclamation became the period at the end of my sentence, the death sentence I was doomed to serve and all there was left for me to do was believe it, accept it, and walk in it. But still... frustration is real, and so is lonliness and discontent, so I've been praying to be content with where I am in life and with who God is. I want to be ok with the idea that God is all I have, because in reality, He is. He's the only entity that I can't shake or lose, or that won't be shady and disppear on me, or get so mad at me that He drops out of the picture or hold a grudge... though I understand that I can do things to be distanced from Him, He'll never drop out of the picture. He can handle the realness, the real imperfect me without running off like a scared bunny. That's comforting, but is that enough?
Posted on 1.12.2007 at 1:53 PM

Beach Chair

For some reason I love the last track on Jay-Z's new album. It must be the contemplative, somber element of it... kinda like lost one, but moreso. I've been looking at my life now in comparison to last semester, last month even and I'm like wow. I have a brand new sense of focus, more drive and I feel refreshed. I'm ready to be a straight A student again... instead of a slacker (I haven't felt like that since 10th grade)...

gotta run, more later
Posted on 1.11.2007 at 1:59 PM

Desiring to Desire God in 2007

I have to watch where I place my hopes... I've been guilty of placing them in the path of disaster and opening my heart too quickly. It's not folly... it's just sad. [Wow and my computer cut off while I was typing the extension to this entry. I must have said something I shouldn't have said. I'll try again]

So... maybe this should be about God... Ok. I went to Passion 07 this week. Passion is a conference for College Students to learn about and celebrate God, basically. Well I was really drained physically and emotionally, didn't feel like going and being around 24,000 people for the first few days of the new year... and I wasn't feeling the whole "Oh, let's all be Passionate about God" vibe either and I knew that wasn't something I could just 'act' out or pretend to be. I made myself continue with my commitment to go to the conference and the very first day I went to the store at the conference and they were selling John Piper's book When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy. The book's title may as well have been "Crystal this book is for you" because I had to buy it. I think that was my primary reason for being at Passion, to come across that book. In my reading so far, I've learned that Desire of God is a gift of God. That lightens my burden greatly because now I can put my energy into asking him to give me that Desire rather than hating myself and trying to figure out why I can't be one of those 'totally sold out for Jesus' Christians. I can be one by the grace of God. I just need the right perspective. I can gain perspective by reading His Word and also by reading supplementary material, like John Piper's book.

I'm now on a quest to gain a deep, relentless desire of God for who He is. I want to be one of those sold-out, when God says Jump-How High people. Those people have pleaded with and allowed God to open their eyes to see God for God's sake, his majesty and splendor... so much that He can be a beautiful obssession in their lives, the love of their lives, the apple of their eyes. That's where I want my spirituality to head in 2007. While God was speaking to me in this way I was going through a bit of a hurtful experience with someone and it had me feeling discouraged. Thankfully God was talking to me and all of the other things I was doing with the conference and with reading my new book were distractions from the situation. Still I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt and any corner of faith I probably had in dating and relationships as I knew them to be before has been dissipated, and rightfully so because my whole angle on that is/was in need of a complete overhaul. I'm not saying that walking with God and letting Him order my steps will keep me immune to hurts, but perhaps with him I'll stumble upon less heart landmines and be more discerning. Maybe the Holy Spirit will be gracious enough to whisper to me upfront, "That man is about those games." Or maybe God will grant me the wisdom to read between the lines to hear what whomever is actually saying to me. I absolutely refuse to participate in game playing or laying out strategy in a dating/relationship situation... but I guess my refusal to play games could render me the appearance of a fool because I'd rather think the best of someone, give them the benefit of a doubt or ask them up front what the deal is or if there's a problem... in hopes of getting a truthful answer. The truth can hurt badly, but maybe not so much to me as indifference. I don't have that characteristic that allows me to be indifferent to how people feel... but it doesn't help anything (esp. not me) to be angry or hateful, so I find that praying for the person is a better angle. Let me say this though, only through God's transforming of my heart has it been possible for me to pray for someone who it would be my gut reaction to curse, at least initially. I think, "Why me? I didn't ask for this, didn't even ask for you to approach me or call me in the first place." Then God reminds me that I didn't do all I could do to guard my heart and that I didn't consult Him about this. Maybe I cared too much, maybe he threatened this current development in my relationship with God and I needed this abrupt wrench in the fantastical vision that had invaded my mind, my misconstrual of the person and of the situation... but the fault was all mine, and this was a humbling experience I needed. Yes, I have recoiled, slightly hurt wanting to stick up for myself and point fingers and call names but I'm praying to forgive. I desperately want to... unfortunately the best thing I can conjure up on my own is indifference after I write this entry and speak of it no more... praying to forget? Not just yet. Sometimes you need to be fully aware of where you've been to see where God's taking you.
Posted on 1.4.2007 at 10:01 PM