gRudgES

Why do we (people) hold grudges and keep a record of stuff that certain people have done against us, or of stuff that people didn't really do to us but we associate them with anyway? Like, why because I'm linked to a situation that hurtful to you do you have to all of a sudden do the whole 'fake "Hi"' thing and smile because you feel like you're obligated t do so? Don't fake smile at me, I'm no longer in the business of faking smiles... you should quit too, it's liberating. This is a twisted world where many of us, most of us are walking around with these huge debilitating emotional scars that are at best hidden from eye of people who are at least making the effort to see them. Sadly, a lot of us don't even know we're hurting... that's scary, but to add insult to injury... we continually lash at each other in various ways, like "I'm hurting, so I don't want ol' girl to be happy." I wish we could all cut the crap and stop hiding behind these shrouds of pride that we nurse, having to remind ourselves every second of every day, 'I'm worth it, because I'm a good person, because I have all these things, because I can do this, because I'm better than they are."... when really we could be so much more if we didn't buy into the dog-eat-dog mentality of popular culture. I wonder why we have to spend so much time competing against, rather than loving, other people. I wonder why I've been hurt so much that I have to continually check my attitudes and actions for fear that I might become that 'angry black woman' that everyone has talked about, might know, but doesn't want to become. I just think, would it be so hard for you (some men) to just let down your guard, stop the games and love, and be loved. Why does it have to be a conquest, like divide, conquer and hurt? AHHHH! I used to wear my baby diamond ring on my left finger as a commitment to myself to not date for a while after my last boyfriend, but now I wear it for fear. I'm afraid that if I encounter more of the BS and get hurt one more time in the same way, I will become that angry, bitter woman and I'm not trying to be her, Lord help me.

On a lighter note, I had a fabulous day... I just wish it wasn't so cold.


Posted on 1.22.2007 at 5:07 PM