I have to watch where I place my hopes... I've been guilty of placing them in the path of disaster and opening my heart too quickly. It's not folly... it's just sad. [Wow and my computer cut off while I was typing the extension to this entry. I must have said something I shouldn't have said. I'll try again]
So... maybe this should be about God... Ok. I went to Passion 07 this week. Passion is a conference for College Students to learn about and celebrate God, basically. Well I was really drained physically and emotionally, didn't feel like going and being around 24,000 people for the first few days of the new year... and I wasn't feeling the whole "Oh, let's all be Passionate about God" vibe either and I knew that wasn't something I could just 'act' out or pretend to be. I made myself continue with my commitment to go to the conference and the very first day I went to the store at the conference and they were selling John Piper's book When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy. The book's title may as well have been "Crystal this book is for you" because I had to buy it. I think that was my primary reason for being at Passion, to come across that book. In my reading so far, I've learned that Desire of God is a gift of God. That lightens my burden greatly because now I can put my energy into asking him to give me that Desire rather than hating myself and trying to figure out why I can't be one of those 'totally sold out for Jesus' Christians. I can be one by the grace of God. I just need the right perspective. I can gain perspective by reading His Word and also by reading supplementary material, like John Piper's book.
I'm now on a quest to gain a deep, relentless desire of God for who He is. I want to be one of those sold-out, when God says Jump-How High people. Those people have pleaded with and allowed God to open their eyes to see God for God's sake, his majesty and splendor... so much that He can be a beautiful obssession in their lives, the love of their lives, the apple of their eyes. That's where I want my spirituality to head in 2007. While God was speaking to me in this way I was going through a bit of a hurtful experience with someone and it had me feeling discouraged. Thankfully God was talking to me and all of the other things I was doing with the conference and with reading my new book were distractions from the situation. Still I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt and any corner of faith I probably had in dating and relationships as I knew them to be before has been dissipated, and rightfully so because my whole angle on that is/was in need of a complete overhaul. I'm not saying that walking with God and letting Him order my steps will keep me immune to hurts, but perhaps with him I'll stumble upon less heart landmines and be more discerning. Maybe the Holy Spirit will be gracious enough to whisper to me upfront, "That man is about those games." Or maybe God will grant me the wisdom to read between the lines to hear what whomever is actually saying to me. I absolutely refuse to participate in game playing or laying out strategy in a dating/relationship situation... but I guess my refusal to play games could render me the appearance of a fool because I'd rather think the best of someone, give them the benefit of a doubt or ask them up front what the deal is or if there's a problem... in hopes of getting a truthful answer. The truth can hurt badly, but maybe not so much to me as indifference. I don't have that characteristic that allows me to be indifferent to how people feel... but it doesn't help anything (esp. not me) to be angry or hateful, so I find that praying for the person is a better angle. Let me say this though, only through God's transforming of my heart has it been possible for me to pray for someone who it would be my gut reaction to curse, at least initially. I think, "Why me? I didn't ask for this, didn't even ask for you to approach me or call me in the first place." Then God reminds me that I didn't do all I could do to guard my heart and that I didn't consult Him about this. Maybe I cared too much, maybe he threatened this current development in my relationship with God and I needed this abrupt wrench in the fantastical vision that had invaded my mind, my misconstrual of the person and of the situation... but the fault was all mine, and this was a humbling experience I needed. Yes, I have recoiled, slightly hurt wanting to stick up for myself and point fingers and call names but I'm praying to forgive. I desperately want to... unfortunately the best thing I can conjure up on my own is indifference after I write this entry and speak of it no more... praying to forget? Not just yet. Sometimes you need to be fully aware of where you've been to see where God's taking you.
Posted on 1.4.2007 at 10:01 PM
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