Sunday, July 22, 2007
On the verge
I feel...so... awful right now. I mean, I don't know how to feel. I feel like I'm going to crumble under all of this pressure, like I'm going to let everyone down, including myself. Like I'll always be alone. Like, I'll never learn the lesson of letting go. I feel so heavy. Sometimes breathing is too much of a task. I don't like to think about anything other than now, but it's like my past and the people from it are like a ball and chain, slowing my steps and affecting my cognitions. How can I be fully here if I'm so concerned with there? And then the outlook of the future seems so bleak, because all I want to do is be 'successful' at work and belong to someone other than God and myself. I'm sure God is trying to tell me I only need belong to Him for significance, but as usual, I'm so not trying to hear that. He doesn't have to come home to himself, but I do. I guess he would argue that I clearly have him to come home to.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
So... Tallahassee... FSU
Yes... Here I am, no longer living in Atlanta. I guess I'm ok with that, well I have to be anyway. I appreciate all of you that have called to check up on me even though I haven't reached out to anyone just yet. This week and next week I'm going through (Yes, 'going through' because it is quite trying) Head Staff training for housing. I'm making it though. I've made the decision to be ultra super positive and to not complain or whine, because everyone's transition is hard. I have my game face on, even though 3/5 of my things are still in Atlanta, and I'm living in a temporary apartment. It could always be worse.
I credit my mental success (thus far) to Jesus, because he's really holding me together when I would otherwise feel like I should crumble under all of this pressure... and now, when any other time previous in my life I would be all tears, I can be all smiles and professional and positive.... no, not fake... just adults. That's not to say that adults don't cry. I've had a moment or two since I've been here... It's just that I have my game face on and I'm welcoming this challenge as something that can only and will only make me better if I embrace it, instead of fighting it. This time in my life is supposed to be scary, my first true professional experience and I'm kind of being thrown in... like I can't swim yet, but I'm getting thrown into the deep end.
That metaphor, however, does not capture the reality of the experience though. My FSU housing family has been so supportive, so while it feels like I'm being thrown in, there are people already in the water ready and willing to guide me in whichever way they can. Then I look around at all of these people that I admire and I've decided that if all of these other people made it through this experience (or similiar to mine) in one piece, then maybe there's hope for me. Besides knowing that Jesus has my back, constantly reminding myself that this has been done before gives me peace in the midst of all this transition. I mean, I'm not even staying in my own place yet which really frustrated me that I'd have to go through all of training before moving into my aparment... but it's ok. I can work around that... I have no cable, but I'll survive with my limited DVD collection and the 4 or 5 channels that my new antenna gives me access to. :) I AM, however, eating well. Those of you who know me KNOW that I LOVE FOOD... so I have not skipped a culinary beat.
I get lonely at moments, but on my first official day, God blessed me with a new friend... or cousin I should say. I call her my cousin. We clicked from the beginning, so it's nice to know that someone REALLY has my back out here on a homegirl level. I mean professionally, I do have a lot of support, but nothing compares to a homegirl, sista-to-sista (especially in Christ) type of connection. That's why I really see her as a gift from God, like we're here leaning on Him and each other. If it wasn't for the fact that she and I are in this together, I probably would have already had more "moments" since I've been here, but for now I'm ok. I'm also not kidding myself that I will definitely have "oreo cookie moments" when I have to take a moment and go off by myself with a blanket and some cookies and shed a few tears. Mistakes will be made, and I'm ok. If you don't make mistakes, you don't learn. I mean they hurt, but you're better for them in the end.
I'll be better after my two years at FSU (if I don't end up staying longer). I promise I'll do better at keeping in touch with everyone, but I'm really going through a bootcamp at the moment, so it's all I can do to answer the phone when y'all think of me. I promise to write again... soon. Maybe this weekend, or within a week.
I credit my mental success (thus far) to Jesus, because he's really holding me together when I would otherwise feel like I should crumble under all of this pressure... and now, when any other time previous in my life I would be all tears, I can be all smiles and professional and positive.... no, not fake... just adults. That's not to say that adults don't cry. I've had a moment or two since I've been here... It's just that I have my game face on and I'm welcoming this challenge as something that can only and will only make me better if I embrace it, instead of fighting it. This time in my life is supposed to be scary, my first true professional experience and I'm kind of being thrown in... like I can't swim yet, but I'm getting thrown into the deep end.
That metaphor, however, does not capture the reality of the experience though. My FSU housing family has been so supportive, so while it feels like I'm being thrown in, there are people already in the water ready and willing to guide me in whichever way they can. Then I look around at all of these people that I admire and I've decided that if all of these other people made it through this experience (or similiar to mine) in one piece, then maybe there's hope for me. Besides knowing that Jesus has my back, constantly reminding myself that this has been done before gives me peace in the midst of all this transition. I mean, I'm not even staying in my own place yet which really frustrated me that I'd have to go through all of training before moving into my aparment... but it's ok. I can work around that... I have no cable, but I'll survive with my limited DVD collection and the 4 or 5 channels that my new antenna gives me access to. :) I AM, however, eating well. Those of you who know me KNOW that I LOVE FOOD... so I have not skipped a culinary beat.
I get lonely at moments, but on my first official day, God blessed me with a new friend... or cousin I should say. I call her my cousin. We clicked from the beginning, so it's nice to know that someone REALLY has my back out here on a homegirl level. I mean professionally, I do have a lot of support, but nothing compares to a homegirl, sista-to-sista (especially in Christ) type of connection. That's why I really see her as a gift from God, like we're here leaning on Him and each other. If it wasn't for the fact that she and I are in this together, I probably would have already had more "moments" since I've been here, but for now I'm ok. I'm also not kidding myself that I will definitely have "oreo cookie moments" when I have to take a moment and go off by myself with a blanket and some cookies and shed a few tears. Mistakes will be made, and I'm ok. If you don't make mistakes, you don't learn. I mean they hurt, but you're better for them in the end.
I'll be better after my two years at FSU (if I don't end up staying longer). I promise I'll do better at keeping in touch with everyone, but I'm really going through a bootcamp at the moment, so it's all I can do to answer the phone when y'all think of me. I promise to write again... soon. Maybe this weekend, or within a week.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Crawling out of my skin right now...
I'm flipping out right now. i really feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm spinning out of control. My body doesn't feel right. I feel so gone. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I can't eat. I'm bursting with things to say, and things that I want to do but they're all worthless. Everything feels worthless right now. I don't know if I want to be right here or over there. I've never felt like this before, but that makes sense because I've never been at this place in my life before with so much crap going on that I feel like I'm suffocating and Lord knows I've complicated my life for myself. What was I thinking?
{I deleted the portion that was here because it was too self-disclosing. If you really must read it, contact me}
Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.
Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.
Posted on 7.1.2007 at 1:38 AM
{I deleted the portion that was here because it was too self-disclosing. If you really must read it, contact me}
Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.
Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.
Posted on 7.1.2007 at 1:38 AM
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