I'm flipping out right now. i really feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm spinning out of control. My body doesn't feel right. I feel so gone. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I can't eat. I'm bursting with things to say, and things that I want to do but they're all worthless. Everything feels worthless right now. I don't know if I want to be right here or over there. I've never felt like this before, but that makes sense because I've never been at this place in my life before with so much crap going on that I feel like I'm suffocating and Lord knows I've complicated my life for myself. What was I thinking?
{I deleted the portion that was here because it was too self-disclosing. If you really must read it, contact me}
Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.
Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.
Posted on 7.1.2007 at 1:38 AM
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