I'm flipping out right now. i really feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm spinning out of control. My body doesn't feel right. I feel so gone. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I can't eat. I'm bursting with things to say, and things that I want to do but they're all worthless. Everything feels worthless right now. I don't know if I want to be right here or over there. I've never felt like this before, but that makes sense because I've never been at this place in my life before with so much crap going on that I feel like I'm suffocating and Lord knows I've complicated my life for myself. What was I thinking?
I had to tell him I liked him. I'm leaving for FL in like 10 days and I had been carrying that on my heart since like, October. It had to come off my chest, carpe diem. I felt so heavy holding onto it... so I released it. Ever feel like someone could be so right for you... and then realize that there's no way that it could work in the present time? I had plenty of time to not tell him I liked him, but I had to let it out. Then I freaked out because I realized that if he was feeling me at all like that we might lose each other as friends. We can't be together right now. I know that, and it has nothing to do with distance. It's a maturity thing and you're not that man I need you to be right now. You'd hurt me (even though you wouldn't mean to) just because you still seem to be searching. Thinking about that hurts me, because I wanted so much for it to be right. I hate that I rocked the boat and didn't leave well enough alone. And you may never see this, because I may never give you the link. We'll probably never talk about this unless I bring it up, but I hope that you will be curious to see what's on my heart. I'm not out here playing games with you. You mean a lot to me, and I can't let a little thing like my feelings or emotions or whatever get in the way of our friendship. I really hope you can see where my heart is at here. That ecard took a lot for me. I don't know why I had to do it when clearly we talked about why I felt like I needed to leave ATL. I told you I was trying to step my spiritual game up. You understood what I meant. I know that I can't afford to have anyone limit me in that. That's all I've been allowing these past few years, spiritual limitations.
Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.
Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.
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