Trying Patience

So now that he's acknowledged my "I like you" ecard, I can breathe just a little bit... Only, he hasn't said anything about what he thinks. He was like, we'll talk later... so now I have to do that whole eye-to-eye awkward, parasympathetic nervous system thing heart pounding, skin tempature rising, blood flowing rapidly. My body did that when I saw that I had received a text message from him and now it's definitely doing it just THINKING about talking with him (especially face-to-face about it). I'm flustered because I wish he would just say yes, no or maybe. He thinks I can sleep now, but I'm on Ambien that belongs to my dad (but he doesn't use it anymore apparently).

The thing now for me is patience really. I was bold in taking that ecard first step so I should take no more steps. I won't lead this, especially if it's going to be anything. That has to be up to him. I guess I wanted to make sure he was aware that there was a green light. Maybe he already knew that though. Gosh I'm going crazy here with anticipation, but like I said I gotta be patient. I was patient today with his initial response to my ecard. He eventually texted me and said he got it and that we'd talk. Despite all of my flipping out today, I didn't email or text or call him or whatever else like I probably wanted to. I have to put my eager girlness aside here, and let him be the man and basically call shots if they're to be called. Too bad I feel like I'm just being patient so that he can tell me he doesn't like me like that and that I'm moving anyway so why would it matter. Lord, can't I just ASK him what the bottom line is?? I know that I could, but the answer to that is no. It would be even less wise than the ecard. I still haven't told my mom about it... probably won't tell her until I'm heartbroken that he's not feeling me, or elated that he feels the same way. As a matter of fact I'm not talking to anyone else about it until he says something... I mean until we talk. It's not anyone else's business anyway, especially at this point. I just feel like I'm about to burst! Where is God in all of these developments. I'm feeling like I need to be in fasting and constant prayer right now trying to see what's going on. I can honestly say that I've not felt this serious before. Sure there were times where I wanted to be married, but I never felt like my own person then... and now here I am. I've been my own person for 2 WHOLE years to date, which I didn't plan this timing. It just happened like this. I reviewed my brief list of husband qualities and he's got everything except for the major God ones, but I know he has the potential. I like him for who he is now and who he could be. I've never been so open and ok about someone's flaws, but I'm ok. I wonder if I'm not supposed to be. We're not talking marriage here though, just potential. I don't need to be with someone who's legalistic about his life. I'd feel suffocated. In a way I feel like I've been there, but that's just because I wouldn't allow myself to be my own person.

I know that I've come a long way, and have gained perspective. Along the same lines, I know that I have so much more distance to grow, so much farther to go before I resemble who I need to be. I'm glad that the 'big move' is going to give me the opportunity to do that. Not quite sure what that means for 'the situation at hand' though. What made me do it? Was it my biological clock, my need to make sure I won't be alone (as best a human can)? Was it was genuine positive regard? I think it was. Why would I want to jump into a long distance relationship? I'm about to go to another location with all kinds of new guys... for at least two years. I keep talking with my friends about all the opportunities that must be down there. Plus, as my departure looms closer, these doors to all these guy opportunities have been opening up. Thing is, I pulled a virtual fortune cookie the other week and it said "Don't mistake temptation for an opportunity." These guy 'opportunities' I know have been temptations. I can't allow myself to settle for unattached affection and games. I refuse. I've taken a stand by the grace of God, even though I did slip and get VERY caught up a few weeks ago. God's love has allowed me to be free enough to not feel guilty about it. I thank Him for that. I'm trying to steer cleer of all of the boobie traps the devil seems to be throwing in my path.

In the thought of boobie traps I have to be sure that this thing with my friend is not also a temptation disguised as an opportunity. Is it a good thing to be down there in Fla already spoken for, but so far away? I see my future in this guy though... like for real. I don't think I'm delusional. Don't worry, I'm not telling him ANY of this....