It’s not always meant to be...

Your heart doesn't always (or even most of the time) do what you want it to. God says that you can't know a person's heart (Jeremiah 17:9). He can know our hearts, but our understanding can be shallow at best... which means that we probably can't predict them either.

There may be more to this... check back later. I need to figure out how to frame the story.

Shut Out

Sometimes I just want to shut it all out... everything and just focus on what's important. It's difficult dealing with competing priorities when everything is a priority, but that's life though. That's being an adult. You can't run away from your mistakes and the times that you've been most foolish and betrayed yourself. You just have to... I just have to possess the courage to reach out to my Savior and ask Him to pull me out of what I'm in. If we walk by faith and not by sight and I have no faith... only sight... then what am I really doing? Can I continue to exist off of my own whims? Well, sure but am I growing? No.

A lot of people talk about how they are going to do 'them,' like, I'ma do 'me.' I've been doing me for the past 24 years, especially the past 6.5. What has that really gotten me? Just a lot of confusion and hurt and uneasiness... nothin substantial. I feel estranged from the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. Hell, I feel estranged from myself. I'm not meant to be any other me than who God designed me to be, yet I REFUSE to make the effort to tap into that. What sense does that make?

And then there are the guys, spent all this time in the past entertaining a host of dudes that just really haven't been on my level in some way or another. When I say level, I don't mean that I'm better than them but I mean more like wavelength. Like, we just weren't on the same page, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole for like no reason. True love isn't supposed to be like that. God has someone for me, but I've been impatient as hell and there has been a lot of hurt (on both sides) as a result of my foolishness.

I don't believe in fairytales anymore... no more happily ever after. YET, time after time I continue to entertain these situations based on nothing, an empty, imagined hope when my hope should rest entirely and exclusively in God and His son crucified, MY savior.

I don't know why my life circumstance has to be in direct opposition to growing close to my savior, but I will tell you that ALL of this is for the birds. You can have this: the classes, the program, the job search... It's all worthless without Jesus in my life to provide fulfillment. You ask me now and part of me wants to tell you that no, moving to Tallahassee hasn't been worth it. The only true value I can see is that, if nothing else, it has shown me how much I need God and how absent He has been from the equation of my life.

I don't want to 'live' like this anymore. I'm so done.

It's time

It's time to recover. Time to recover from when it ended and what I thought the end symbolized. Time to step out of what could have been and what wasn't into what can be and what will. Time to take God up on His promises and rejoice in what he's doing in my life and in the lives of others. Time for me to no longer withdraw in pain when I see pics of them together. Time for me to let go. Time for me to move on completely acknowledging what I always knew: he wasn't meant to be mine... and that's ok.

What I think about love...

Love is something I've always had for my mom and sisters and dad on some level or another. It's the bending over backwards for my family members or close friends when they are being knuckleheads or just plain unpleasant... just sticking with them.

So yeah, that's that...

Now for me, on the other hand, the whole romantic love thing has played out as kind of a love-hate thing. When I was a young girl, I played into the happily ever after fairytales, then the teenage romantic, coming-of-age stories from the 80's like Say anything... oh and I like classic films that have all the glitz and glamor with a healthy dose of boy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love.

Given that background I always thought that I'd be "in love" with someone if not engaged by this point/age in my life. So when I realized that it wasn't going to happen I stopped believing in fairytales and happily-ever-afters.... at least by declaration. I still shed a tear at romantic comedies and secretly wish that some man would sweep me off of my feet. It's just now that I've lost faith in the idea of that happening....at least any time soon.

When I came to that realization I was mad. "God, how could you do this to me??" Now, while I'm still not happy with it, I'm almost to a point where I am fully accepting of the task at hand.

See, the thing is I must learn how to love God and follow/trust Jesus first before I can experience pure, romantic, Godly love with another human. And Lord knows I drag my feet and kick and scream in little tantrums and do my best to undermine the inevitable: I may impress guys and be wanted, guys may impress me to where I want them... but it will never be mutual until I rise to the occasion that Jesus has called me to.

It may sound extreme, but that has held true for the last few years. I admittedly am highly selective and rarely impressed with the guys I meet. Even then, I usually lose interest quickly when I see something that I ignored initially because I want it to "work" (whatever that really means). Either that or I maintain interest and they don't pursue.

I'm the perpetually single friend while a few close friends and many associates have these great loves that have lasted for years (on again, off again as some may be) or there is a new significant other within a few short weeks or months of a break up. I've never had turn around like that... lol.

My lack of romance has caused me to take a practical stance on relationships to the point where I think some of my friends probably thinkg I'm an ogre, because they do things and put up with stuff that they probably shouldn't because they're "so in love." That's cute, it really is... but I can't fathom it anymore. So if you ask me what I think I will tell you.

I'm so far removed from what I thought being in love was that I can no longer empathize. That clashes with my being wired as a hopeless romantic it's just that marriage and "the rest of your life" are huge steps. So, if something fundamentally is practically "off", reason says you may want to try something else, unless God is clearly waving you onward.

I believe that He orders our steps and when He means for it to be, He puts the pieces neatly in place. There shouldn't be this angst about a relationship yet you continue anyway. Angst isn't a good look on anyone and shouldn't be linked to a relationship with someone you're holding on to in order to marry.

So yeah, I'm an ogre. The hopeless romantic in me has received a lethal injection of reality. The only thing that balances out my inability to empathize with "falling" for someone is seeing my mom's happily ever after: how she had me, got divorced and then married the man of her dreams six years later and this Tuesday they will have been married for 18 years and stilly happy. God's hand was clear in their union from the start, no angst. Love is not unsure.

Even though I often resent being alone and not having a 'boo' of my own, I thank God that I'm being spared the frustrations and hard decisions that can sometimes accompany a relationship... gotta find the silver lining somewhere I guess. :)

For real though, there's nothin wrong with being earmarked for God... at least for a while until He decides to share you with another of His own.

third wheel

My friend and I were talking about being third wheels today. She said that when there are three people, one person is inevitably third wheel. I was like nahhh. I think it's possible to include everyone who is involved in a small group of people, especially if an effort is made to do so.

Yes, that's me... the optimist. Boy did I get slapped in the face tonight.

I went to a probate with two of the new students in my program. They are in the same sorority and I usually feel ostracized when I'm around them... not that they mean to. I don't know why I decided I'd go to the probate, but I did. Well I know why I wanted to go, I had never been to a probate show for a multicultural greek organization. I figured it would be a lot of the same stuff I usually see, but why not check it out?

After being around my two new friends and feeling kinda left out, I fell back to stand with my boss and one of my other supervisors, both greek, different organization. Well, that also proved to be the wrong move. I was totally not apart of their conversation, and once I began to check my email and myspace on my phone, I made the executive decision to get the hell out of there (mind you, the show hasn't started yet). I got on the phone to call my homegirl, stepped outside to talk (loud inside with music playing) and kept it moving back to my car. Thank God I had driven myself or I would have been stuck. I hope they don't ask me about the show tomorrow and what I thought. I guess I will just say that I had to leave.

le freak

The more time that passes, the more I feel like a freak. Not a freak in the sexual way, but a spiritual freak. I am feeling more and more alone in my thoughts, beliefs, feelings about things. I feel free, but I get frustrated because I see the confused look in people's eyes... or that look like "this chick is crazy." No one is really trying to grapple with these concepts that have been adopted by my heart. At any rate, if you ask me what I think, I will tell you... and even if you don't ask, I might still tell you.

I'm tired of being party to oversimplified arguments and ways of thinking. Hardly anyone is GETTING it. Are so few people plugged in and capable of seeing what I've been shown? I know it's up to Him to reveal these things, but it's really uncomfortable being involved with comfortably status quo people. I'm the weirdo. I know. No one thinks like me, says the things that I say or has my aversions to things that are such popular cornerstones of our culture. It's not that I dare to be different, I have no choice. For a long time I tried to do the same things as everyone else and realized it wasn't fulfilling or completely lost a taste for it.

Maybe I haven't completely tasted and seen that the Lord is good... but I have certainly developed an anti-taste for many of the things that I know he hates.

That places me on an island most of the time... alone in a crowded room.

Woman Up and Tell the Truth

Am I the only one who feels like this or are there other people who sometimes feel like they are falling behind in life? Every time I log on to facebook or myspace I notice a new engagment, marriage and/or pregnancy. And while I promise I'm happy for my friends and distant acquaintances (a.k.a facebook friends), sometimes I can't help but feel a slight twinge that I've missed some kind of life memo as to what I should be doing right now.

Yes, yes I know that what God has for me is for me and that what I must continue to do is put one foot in front of the other, trusting and relying on him to guide me through my life. While that is easier said than done, I do believe as much. Yes, my biological clock may have just begun to tick within my psyche, I must be honest with myself... if it really came down to it right now would I choose marriage over being single and joined with my family? Hmm... from this angle, being realistic I'd have to say "No." For that reason I know that it would take a hell of a person to get me to make that jump... which results in my increasing pickiness.

i know that God has placed someone out there for me, so when things don't line up in my relationships I no longer try to make square pegs fit round situations, I let it go.... but I'm reluctant to do so. Yes, it's been difficult for me and has required prayer. It's not always so simple to let go of someone that's not right for you but that you could still like... and then there's the issue of feeling comfortable around someone and having a person like that in your life that you know you can go to on a romantic companion kind of level and share day-to-day life situations and stories with. I mean who in their right mind would want to let that go looking from the surface of things.

If I let you go, then I go back to an empty apartment, my phone rings a lot less and I'm back to attending shows and things alone. Independence is nice, but I swear it gets old at times. So that's why I've had a tendency to hold on and really have to pray for a change of heart/mind/whatever it is to release my grip. I bet guys from the past have probably wondered how I lost interest so quickly and dropped them, well, it was prayer answered. God has a way of (after I ask Him to) aiding me in the release by showing me a lot of stuff that I don't like about a person... or opening my eyes to the pre-existing, yet previously ignored no-go's that would have been insurmountable with clear thinking and godly motives.

What to do with the trail of confused guys? Well, I've always hated hated HATED when guys *bleep*ing disappear and suddenly change without telling you what's up or what happened, like what changed. I mean that's flaky, be a man and say what's up. Don't be messy and non-confrontational when what you have to say might need to be said. People should know where they stand with you and how they got there. So...

...personal revelation: I've actually DONE that to some guys over the year. The ones that didn't have the chance to disappear have been disappeared on or avoided. Now, that's not grown woman behavior. I know what I want and what I don't want, so why not be honest and share that with the person respectfully? Maybe by some off chance what I need to tell that person is something they need to hear in order to take a new direction in life or just something to put their heart at ease so they won't be going through all of the possible permutations of what could have happened or what I might have thought. I mean, as a Christian I'm responsible for speaking the truth in love. So why do I shy away from being honest with those guys that were really nice to me, but just weren't, you know, "Mr. Him."? It wasn't their fault that they weren't right for me yet those are the hardest ones to confront about why things are just "off" and shouldn't continue... particularly when they are likely to challenge and disagree with you about it.

Even so, I've decided to be more honest in my dating and let folks know straight up what's up. if I think it should stop in its tracks then I'll initiate a "Nice knowing you, but have a great life and this is why" conversation. That's the least I can do, especially for those who have treated me so well. For every loser I've met I have been taken care of by dozens (an obvious exaggeration) of great guys... only, they're great for someone else.

This new approach of mine will be a challenge for me, but I bet, if nothing else, it will force me to contemplate issues that come up sooner and stop things quicker... instead of knowing that it's going nowhere, yet letting it continue. That's just shady and inconsiderate. If you're reading this and that's you that I did that to, I apologize. I shoulda womaned up and put my cards on the table, but I didn't.

paradigm shift

(I promise this isn't really about anyone, but a question...mentioned below... did inspire my writing it. The person who asked the question knows who he is.)

I can't really explain to you what's going on with me right now, but I know that it's a good thing. Finally, I'm making definitive steps in the right direction. Sadly, few of the people in my immediate space even GET what's going on with me... and it's pointless to try to explain it to everyone.

One of my friends yesterday asked me why I was making so many drastic changes with myself... with my tattoo, relationships, spiritually. Thing is, these changes are the direct result of the spiritual changes going on in my life. These outward changes represent what's going on inside my heart, a heart daily more poised toward God.

It's amazing, but once I acted firmly (with the help and guidance of God) on some of my personal convictions, club-going, interactions with men, music and other media choices (very slowly) my outlook on life began to flip. I don't want to go back to where I was. A few years in prodigal land is MORE than enough for me. I'm ready for the real.

If you really want to understand what's going on with me, ask God. All I can tell you is that I'm experiencing a paradigm shift and a lot of things and actions and probably people will have to be removed from my life in order for me to continue on to where headed.

my roaring twenties... i'm done with this dance

In my Science, Technology and Modernism course in undergrad I wrote a paper about the 1920's, how it was a time of change and self discovery for many. It was also a time of mayhem, confusion, and foolishness (Artrease would probably appreciate that I added the latter word to the mix).

So yesterday, I was considering my life since I've been in my 20's and I realized that it's been my own personal decade of mayhem and foolishness so far... let's not forget the confusion. For the past few years I've been on nothing short of a downward spiral in pretty much all aspects of my life, minus my education (I graduated from GT and I'm about to graduate from FSU sooner than later).

My life is full of too many little pieces that don't fit together, too many pieces of me mixed in with pieces of the people around that I trust, plus those that hurt me along the way. It's a horrible way to exist and I've chosen it, chosen to be fragmented. I've been a willing participant in each and every dance that leads me further away from the direction I would like to sway in.

And then last night, was the last straw for me. I barked up a tree that I shouldn't have and what was going to happen inevitably did. i saw the thing that I wanted to ignore initially or that I had hoped was different. Imagine being told by someone you love (or at least think you do) in so many words that dealing with you and your feelings is a waste of time... especially your feelings. Imagine if that person didn't seem to (for even one moment) consider your feelings at all. I mean, I feel things and let people know, so shoot me for being human and tangible. I don't like to push people away. When I'm pushed away or jumped on or treated with inconsistent positive regard (whether or not you're like that to me or just like that to everyone) it hurts me, and after a point I just shut down.

People who are (or seem to be) incapable of empathizing are in direct opposition to what is at the very core of my personality, the core of how God has wired me to be. I am nothing if I can't place myself in someone else's shoes or consider their viewpoint for a moment... or at least attempt to... or maybe just offer up the patience it takes to hear them out and postpone judgment and hasty choices.

I'm sorry that my concerns turned out to be such a burden for him. I wish that I didn't want to see him. I could have dodged all of this mess. He has NO idea what the past few weeks have even been like for me. It doesn't appear that he cares. I can be ok with that, but he shouldn't get all upset with me and call me flaky when he turns around the following day and dismisses me like I wasn't even trying. I mean, excuse the hell out of me for wanting to do something right and not put myself in a position where I felt like I would be disrespectful and giving off an appearance that I want to avoid.

I did not sleep last night because I did not want to go to bed angry. It sincerely pisses me off that someone can show such little disregard for another's feelings and priorities. He is the only person to-date in my life whom I've given such leverage in dealing with my heart (dumb, I know) and I don't know why I do, because I can't cope. He shoves me away, pulls me back in, pushes me away again, pulls me back in again... each time I melt and fall back into that dysfunctional pattern. I can't be that person.

I value myself more than that. God values me more than that. God would NEVER speak to me in the way that he does. I deserve to deal with people who also value me enough to try and figure out how to address me and not just talk to me any kind of way and just spout off words at me. If he would breathe for a moment and listen between phrases it might actually be considered communication because I would have an opportunity to speak and give input rather than feel like I'm being interrogated. He shouldn't wait until after his entire tirade to ask for feedback. Why bother? What could there possibly be left to say when he's already made up his mind?

So now I'm just left with the pieces of this most recent, self-imposed fiasco of mine when I wasn't wise enough to let sleeping dogs lie and leave the door closed on this. I don't think I can fully voice my disappointment about this, not sure where I would start or end.

He should just know that he's managed to shut me down for a while. If he's even actually reading this, which I didn't exactly anticipate... He's probably thinking that I should have said all of this to him directly, and he's right, I should have... Problem is I don't want to talk to him at ALL this moment.

Also know that none of what I just wrote has been hastily stated, I had all night to calm down and think before saying my piece and I did. This is what was on my heart.

Dear Mom

Mom did you ever know what it was like to be so young and want all these things... love, marriage, baby... and feel so far away from them?

hurts

I'm at this place right now where it kinda hurts me to write. My words are so heavy and laborious. Blogging and journaling, once like breathing, are now chores. That explains why I don't do it anymore. I think so many disturbing things from day to day, why would I go the extra mile and scribe them?


I wrote him a letter. I wrote him a letter expressing my curiosity about us. I wrote him a letter expressing my curiosity about us and whether or not he ever thought if it could happen again... or just happen. I guess you could say that his reply was hopeful. I can't say what my goal was in writing the message, to express how I felt maybe. I was hoping to open the door to investigation. He said a lot of things in his reply that pointed to the pragmatism of things: We were younger then.Yes. Maturity has come with time for both of us. I'm the first to admit that I'm a different person, still at the core I've remained Crystal. My personality is the same, just with improvements I hope. Then there's the whole distance thing, which I considered before opening my mouth. I have no intentions of staying or even job searching here in Florida. God has His way of making it known that our plans for ourselves are mere crap next to his so I can't say anything for sure, but I know that I don't want to be here. I'm looking at the mid-atlantic and southeast after I leave here.... but are the employers/institutions looking for me? Who knows?

Every now and then my heart flutters... but I can say now that I'm far from hopeless romantic. I won't deny romanticism, but hopeless? Naw. I'm not the 15 year old girl with unrealistic hopes and dreams anymore. I won't hang onto your every word. I won't stop my life so that I can revolve around you. I won't force something to be there that isn't, won't rely on you for my happiness and completion. I know that I can only get that with God.

In hindsight of my impulsive step to put myself out there and say how I was feeling, at the moment, I'm feeling like maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. That's not to say that I regret it persay... I got some things off of my chest that I wanted to say. I just wish I did a better job of standing back and letting God work. Don't I think if God wanted to let there be something between us that he would've without my help? Should I even be engaging in these conversations right now? My friend says I should just let it go.

I have a lot of praying to do. God and I have a lot to talk about... I have a lot of listening to do.

I don't know how I got here...

Where am I? How did I come to this place? I treat You as though You are nothing to me but a generous rich uncle whom I do not even know. I am completely and utterly driven by my own selfish desires, my own will. I act as though my life has nothing to do with You, like I have nothing to do with You. I've given myself over to myself and it's not fun. I mean it can be fun, but it's so pointless that I have NO peace about it at all.

I'm guilty of disbelief.

Easter again

It's only fair to acknowledge the fact that once again, I was not in the house of the Lord on Easter. Shameful track record.

This Easter found me at a Unitarian Universalist Church completing an assignment for Diversity class. I attended their Flower Communion Ceremony, which was quite interesting. I left early because I wasn't in accordance with giving glory to things but not talking about how great God is. I can't fault them for what they believe though, and they were quite nice to me while I was there.

Still, I experienced dissonance at the thought that I was not celebrating Easter in a Jesus-acknowledging place of worship. However, I didn't feel like it would have been right for me to feel guilty about not attending on Easter when I obviously haven't been all semester.

Grown... a plea

You forbid me to? Um, excuse me... I'm 24 now, no longer a teenager struggling to leave the house and get some independence, no matter how cruel it was. Wasn't that part of the deal of leaving the house, autonomy and decreased dependence on you to make decisions for me? And now you want to give me an ultimatum... want to forbid me to do something I want to do because you disagree with it?

Really, if I'm not living in the house anymore and I'm grown, how are you going to put me in this situation like this? Please let me be an adult. I moved to Tallahassee alone, now can I do this too? Mom says that we are blessed when we submit and obey, but I haven't signed up for a husband yet. What if one day I came to you and said I was gay (which won't happen, because I'm not), would you disagree and forbid that too? Don't you love me enough to let me make my own choice.

You love me so much that you would piss me off and make me face the choice of having a rift between us and your disapproval versus going against what I want to do. Thing is, if I don't do this, then there might always be a rift because you didn't 'let' me. I feel like you're controlling me, and it's very unfair. I've never been a major disappointment to you, and I don't want to be now... but I need you to let me do this... let me be me and find my own way.

At least you could ask me why. Can't you respect that I'm not where you are spiritually, let go and let God handle this. It's not worth my resenting you... but I think I might if you don't play fair.

I always cry

I always cry when I leave home (Atlanta or Augusta... doesn’t matter which) to drive back to Tallahassee, back to school... back to here. Try as I might to enjoy being here, the positives (the couple of friendships I’ve made, my adorable staff members) are unable to outweigh my unhappiness.

I won’t claim that I was happy when I got here. I know it’s not that bad here. It’s not bad... maybe just bad for me? I don’t know if I purposely do it or I just can’t, but I can’t seem to get connected to this place and see it as more than a pit stop in my journey of things I want to accomplish. I say, you can be anywhere for two years.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision in coming to FSU, but deep down I know that all of my strife and uncomfortable-ness will pay off once I graduate from our awesome program. And like I said, I’ve made a couple of friends. I don’t regret coming to FSU I guess... or even Tallahassee (as much as I dislike it). I just wish I were happy here.

I understand that, even with all the external and situational factors that I feel are weighing me down, happiness is really a state of heart. I feel happy at home with my family, because my heart is full. They are the closest I’ve come to completion on this earth.

But I wonder when I will make the time to look up... Most of the time i feel like I’m just wasting away here and have little look forward to...and I spend my time anticipating the next time I get to leave or graduation.

It has to get better.

Excuse the hell out of me for being told to spread the information and make sure everyone knew. I'm so glad that I don't have to deal with stuff like this next year. I mean I know all the days won't be so sunny, but do things have to be so crappy a large part of the time.

I just want to break away now. I'm so tired of doing this. I'm so tired of being here. Why do I have to be here? The walls are closing in on me and I need to be out of here and away from all of this. Who needs this?

Why is it so hard to let go? Why can't I just be happy that they're happy? It's not like I didn't feel like they'd end up together for crying out loud, I spoke it. What is this stupid, wrong desire to not want your ex to be happy? It's stupid. It's not God-like at all. It's downright sinful.

How am I just going to fall to pieces after seeing them together? I KNEW they were together for a while. I felt that. Why am I so upset now? I just want to be together with someone... it has nothing to do with him... or her. I'm happy that they're together. God obviously designed their relationship. I mean if it's God's plan then what's the big idea? How dare I sit up and trip, even though I feel overlooked... but what have I done to yield myself to being prepared for being with who God has for me? Nothing. I'm so pathetic. I must rebuke these selfish thoughts and get past this and let it all go for once and for all, so that I can be free.

the key

So... the key to happiness is gratefulness? Contentment IS happiness? How do I all of a sudden be content with where I am, who I have and what I have though? Ask God to make me aware of what He has done and continually does in my life.

Nappyversary... Yes, that's what I said.

So, earlier today (which was January 15) was my Nappyversary... the day I chopped off my relaxed hair and went completely natural (not to mention nappy). As I've said before, January 15th just happened to be the date I went. I didn't intentionally choose Dr. King's birthday, but I like the coincidence. I think that he would have supported my decision to go natural and be me. :o)

Looking Back...

At lot has changed with my hair since last January for sure.
It's much longer, although not ponytail length. By the grace of God, as the year progressed I became quite good at styling my hair with the twists and twist outs and figuring out the appropriate products to use. I've loved the experience. I even loved what I had to go through to get to where my hair is currently... even trying to always have a wrap that coordinated with my outfit and looking a hot mess anyway,despite my efforts.

Changes

When I was in Atlanta last year up until the past summer, playing and basically taking a break from intense school work and having fun with my friends... I had the time to devote to self styling my hair. However, once I moved to Tallahassee and the sh*t basically hit the fan and reality came crashing down on me, I realized that I needed a stylist, because I didn't have the time or energy to devote hours to hairstyling any more.

At the suggestion of one of my supervisors, I checked out Cassinova's Salon where, by chance, I got linked up with Free, a stylist certified to do natural hair. When I first went to her she asked me if I had considered locking my hair, because my coil pattern was so tight and consistent. I was like nah... can't do that. I got cornrows styled up into a ponytail so that I could wear and afro puff piece. (Hey don't laugh. I was trying something different.) My goodness, I felt so self conscious with that thing pinned on. I went swimming with it the day after I got it and refused to let my head get anywhere near the water. I was nervous about gusts of wind, even though I had like 20 pins in it to make sure it was firmly attached. After that I went to Free and got my hair done in two strand twists.

I loved the look. It was very neat and streamlined... got me thinking about dreadlocks, which I had thought about before, but I was like nah, nah... I told dad I wouldn't. I kept on styling it with the Afro puff as the focal point. Then I went to Tuskegee's Homecoming and did giant twists so that I could do a twist out. I hadn't done a twist out with twists so big before. The first night worked like a charm,the next day (after re-twisting them to sleep and then untwisting)... it was a HOT mess. Hair going in every direction. For some reason girls kept coming up to me saying that my hair looked cute, but they were either being nice or mocking me but I held my head up high and managed to put it behind a cloth band for the step show later that night.
I had a lot of fun at Tuskegee and someone inspired me to lock my hair, so literally days later I was at Free's getting starter locks on November 7 (my patna's birthday). I want black Barbie hair now... and the only way for my hair to get as long as I want it to be is to lock it. Plus, I appreciate the smooth lines of well-kept locks.

Since my hair is so 'tight' it's beginning to lock fast. I wear hats more often now because my scalp gets cold... Before I had plenty of hair blocking my scalp so that's a big, yet welcome, change for me.

Attitudes

So, unlike I had predicted, my dad did not have a cow when I told him that I was locking my hair. Even though we had previously agreed that I was not locking my hair, he took it all in stride. I'm so proud of the progress he's made in his attitude towards my hair. It's grown on him and he thought that my fluffy naps (when styled) were cute and and he EVEN likes the locks. In fact, I think he likes the locks better because they are neater. I think my mom and sister (younger one) are about the same towards my hair, mostly accepting of it and just going with whatever flow I'm on.

The Future

I'm still very happy that I decided to cut my hair and rise to the I'm looking forward to seeing how my hair looks when it locks up and all the things I will be able to do with it. Sometimes I contemplate about returning to a perm because I feel like people make particular judgments on the kind of person I am based on my hair... the selection of men has DEFINITELY changed. Even so, I'm going to stick to keeping my hair the way it makes me happy and Mr. Him, whomever he is, will fall into step and appreciate it.

just another dude

Just another one like all the other ones are you? Right when I thought the monotony would stop. It wouldn't matter if you were a special dude or just another dude now though, because everyone just turns into the next dude anyway.

the continuation

...And I did hear from him this morning. I don't think he could tell that I had been asleep, or maybe. Yeah I guess he did acknowledge it because I said something about how I needed to wake up. So... there is sooooo much I need to learn about him and his beliefs. My research of his name and family restaurants have brought me to http://www.kingdomofyah.com/index.html. So is he an African Hebrew Israelite... or linked to that whole thing? If so, the way I feel about that is that we should strictly be friends because it sounds like a cult to me, but what does God want me to do.

magic

I was taken aback by the way he grabbed my hand as I tried to remain steady on my own, so I shook it away. This was not something unusual for me to do. Guys grab my hand all the time, it's unsolicited, and I shake my hand free... and I don't feel bad about it. For some reason, though, I felt compelled to catch up with him and apologize. I'm not sure why I felt like I should make amends. Maybe I didn't want him to think I was some stuck up, haughty person. Even so, when I began to apologize it began the rest of the night. We skated together and talked. Skating together was fun, and he skates well... but I'm not sure that you can call what I was doing skating. It was more like rolling. I had to be boring him to death with my non adventurous skating.

As soon as I got to skating I was telling Ms. V that skating was going to be my new hobby and that I was going to buy skates. Before that, earlier in the day I had told Cic that I really needed a hobby... well there you have it. Maybe I will hear from Mr. A. R. soon.

the hour I first believed

Believe all or none of it. You can't just be on board and only believe part of it. You have to buy into it completely. Choose to believe. Let go.

Enough of this

Enough of this... I'm just ready to be who I am. Why is it so hard to live in and be content with the present though? That's what I will pray for, that I can live for the present and hope for the future without creating my own God-absent vision of what it should/could be like. If his word is a lamp unto my feet I shouldn't be making up what He has yet to reveal to me. Not thinking very far ahead is difficult for me though. I'm a visionary. I like to think far into the future and consider what is and what could be, but I guess that's hurting me know... because I wear my heart on my sleeve.