Shut Out

Sometimes I just want to shut it all out... everything and just focus on what's important. It's difficult dealing with competing priorities when everything is a priority, but that's life though. That's being an adult. You can't run away from your mistakes and the times that you've been most foolish and betrayed yourself. You just have to... I just have to possess the courage to reach out to my Savior and ask Him to pull me out of what I'm in. If we walk by faith and not by sight and I have no faith... only sight... then what am I really doing? Can I continue to exist off of my own whims? Well, sure but am I growing? No.

A lot of people talk about how they are going to do 'them,' like, I'ma do 'me.' I've been doing me for the past 24 years, especially the past 6.5. What has that really gotten me? Just a lot of confusion and hurt and uneasiness... nothin substantial. I feel estranged from the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. Hell, I feel estranged from myself. I'm not meant to be any other me than who God designed me to be, yet I REFUSE to make the effort to tap into that. What sense does that make?

And then there are the guys, spent all this time in the past entertaining a host of dudes that just really haven't been on my level in some way or another. When I say level, I don't mean that I'm better than them but I mean more like wavelength. Like, we just weren't on the same page, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole for like no reason. True love isn't supposed to be like that. God has someone for me, but I've been impatient as hell and there has been a lot of hurt (on both sides) as a result of my foolishness.

I don't believe in fairytales anymore... no more happily ever after. YET, time after time I continue to entertain these situations based on nothing, an empty, imagined hope when my hope should rest entirely and exclusively in God and His son crucified, MY savior.

I don't know why my life circumstance has to be in direct opposition to growing close to my savior, but I will tell you that ALL of this is for the birds. You can have this: the classes, the program, the job search... It's all worthless without Jesus in my life to provide fulfillment. You ask me now and part of me wants to tell you that no, moving to Tallahassee hasn't been worth it. The only true value I can see is that, if nothing else, it has shown me how much I need God and how absent He has been from the equation of my life.

I don't want to 'live' like this anymore. I'm so done.