Lord I don't know what to do. Everything in me said "leave. what is this?" I couldn't see You. I couldn't concentrate. Yeah I could breathe and maybe it felt like You were there. I could tell that you had spoken to the man who spoke earlier. How am I suppose to concentrate on You and focus my heart on You with someone yelling, telling me to do so God? I don't function like that. Coaxing maybe, but not coercion, not yelling. Am I praising because someone told me to do it, or because I want to? Are my hands raised because I want him to shut up yelling or I want to do what most everyone else is doing? Where am I? Should I stay, or walk out of another service?
Did I just experience chaos, or was it divinely orchestrated. I felt so bad walking out, but I felt bad standing there too after a while. Are these people for real? Tell me that he is not honestly the only reason I'm still even here right now.... Here I am once again following a man in lieu of you... It must stop.
"...what was said to the rose to make it unfold...was said to me here in my chest"
Lord, I just want to be where I'm supposed to be. I'm so sick of being outside of what I'm supposed to be doing. Earlier I heard a word that I know was from You and then prayer, and then in the midst of it all I lost whatever grip I had. Is my issue that this church is more vocal that I'm used to or what? Is is a heart and spirit thing or a surface, Crystal thing? I need your wisdom so that I may discern the difference and act accordingly.
"If you want to draw close to me, and for me to draw near to you.... Repent so that you will no longer be heavy and stuck standing in the same place you've been in."
I can't detect your presences as long as I have all of this baggage of things I know need to be confessed and that I need to walk away from.
Change my heart Lord
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
A long walk...
So, I walked across Tallahassee (not really) from my apartment to CVS in the misty rain early this afternoon, wearing my red t-shirt with the Japanese design and the Kanji Character for "Love" that I was wearing when I got my first tattoos... yeah so too much information, I know.
Anyways...
At the beginning of my walk I saw a familiar face and then I had to have a conversation with myself about rather or not to stop, but I figured I'd make myself friendly. Too often I walk past people I "know" without saying hi (when they're not looking) because I feel like there's no point. I'm like, why do they want to be bothered with me? They're busy, etc. Excuses. I run away from letting people get to know me unless they are in my immediate circle. Not surprisingly, I have let a couple of people into my inner bubble since I've been here and that has added comfort to the large-scale incomfortability I experience day in and day out here. The fellowship piece is missing and my extracurricular/recreational piece is SCREAMING. I'm tired of going out and doing stuff I don't feel like doing and not having fun but going out because I'm tired of sitting in my apartment alone. i thank God for the resources he's presented me with here that have the potential to expand into well-rooted friendships. Without them, I might have considered getting an application together to transfer. No, I like FSU, I promise. I also promise you, though, that without a social/spiritual support system out here life means nothing to me and all I'd do from day to day would just be performing my daily tasks and necessary duties like a robot, counting down the days until graduation as if I'm in a cell. I can't talk much more about that piece of what I deal with, though, because of how it could be perceived. My experience and how it could be made better is something I'm going to research one day when I'm working on my doctorate.
So... as I was walking I wasn't thinking about that, or about how sticky my skin was and how my clothes were sticking... I was pondering the whole concept of shopping for a church, then about how I was urging my friend yesterday to not expect perfection, but to expect a congregation and pastor to be doing the best they can. Then I went back to my initial strong reaction of the church I visited last week and the idea of another try sounds reasonable. A lot of people probably don't care much for me the first few times interacting with me, but I appreciate their patience. My dad didn't like my Atlanta church when he went that one time, but it was where I needed to be. So, I'll try it again a time or two more. I need to be in a situation where I'm going to church and people expect me to be there so much to the point where they call me on a Sunday I didn't show up like, "Um... where were you Miss Thang." How long must I live without accountability?
It's not even about a "special someone" anymore. It can't even be about that. I'm not lonely. I'm just frustrated with sub par people. Every guy I meet right now that appears to be pursuing me, I've learned, is a potential waste of my freaking time. I don't have time to waste. I really don't, especially when no one is talking about ANYTHING. I refuse to have my time be wasted in that way any further. I'm shifting my paradigm... just making friends with guys I come into contact with. No 'dates' or empty promises or void statements. None of that crap. Anyone unwilling to be my friend from jump is going to be a waste of time. I'm glad I've figured that out.
On a lighter note... um, this week has been way better than any other week I've had in Tallahassee and I've been here since July 13. It was all God. I've put more effort into acknowledging Him and asking Him for guidance this week and just sharing my life with Him. Funny how easy it can be to do that when He's all you have. :o)
Posted on 9.21.2007 at 5:09 PM
Anyways...
At the beginning of my walk I saw a familiar face and then I had to have a conversation with myself about rather or not to stop, but I figured I'd make myself friendly. Too often I walk past people I "know" without saying hi (when they're not looking) because I feel like there's no point. I'm like, why do they want to be bothered with me? They're busy, etc. Excuses. I run away from letting people get to know me unless they are in my immediate circle. Not surprisingly, I have let a couple of people into my inner bubble since I've been here and that has added comfort to the large-scale incomfortability I experience day in and day out here. The fellowship piece is missing and my extracurricular/recreational piece is SCREAMING. I'm tired of going out and doing stuff I don't feel like doing and not having fun but going out because I'm tired of sitting in my apartment alone. i thank God for the resources he's presented me with here that have the potential to expand into well-rooted friendships. Without them, I might have considered getting an application together to transfer. No, I like FSU, I promise. I also promise you, though, that without a social/spiritual support system out here life means nothing to me and all I'd do from day to day would just be performing my daily tasks and necessary duties like a robot, counting down the days until graduation as if I'm in a cell. I can't talk much more about that piece of what I deal with, though, because of how it could be perceived. My experience and how it could be made better is something I'm going to research one day when I'm working on my doctorate.
So... as I was walking I wasn't thinking about that, or about how sticky my skin was and how my clothes were sticking... I was pondering the whole concept of shopping for a church, then about how I was urging my friend yesterday to not expect perfection, but to expect a congregation and pastor to be doing the best they can. Then I went back to my initial strong reaction of the church I visited last week and the idea of another try sounds reasonable. A lot of people probably don't care much for me the first few times interacting with me, but I appreciate their patience. My dad didn't like my Atlanta church when he went that one time, but it was where I needed to be. So, I'll try it again a time or two more. I need to be in a situation where I'm going to church and people expect me to be there so much to the point where they call me on a Sunday I didn't show up like, "Um... where were you Miss Thang." How long must I live without accountability?
It's not even about a "special someone" anymore. It can't even be about that. I'm not lonely. I'm just frustrated with sub par people. Every guy I meet right now that appears to be pursuing me, I've learned, is a potential waste of my freaking time. I don't have time to waste. I really don't, especially when no one is talking about ANYTHING. I refuse to have my time be wasted in that way any further. I'm shifting my paradigm... just making friends with guys I come into contact with. No 'dates' or empty promises or void statements. None of that crap. Anyone unwilling to be my friend from jump is going to be a waste of time. I'm glad I've figured that out.
On a lighter note... um, this week has been way better than any other week I've had in Tallahassee and I've been here since July 13. It was all God. I've put more effort into acknowledging Him and asking Him for guidance this week and just sharing my life with Him. Funny how easy it can be to do that when He's all you have. :o)
Posted on 9.21.2007 at 5:09 PM
A Long Walk....
So, I walked across Tallahassee (not really) from my apartment to CVS in the misty rain early this afternoon, wearing my red t-shirt with the Japanese design and the Kanji Character for "Love" that I was wearing when I got my first tattoos... yeah so too much information, I know.
Anyways...
At the beginning of my walk I saw a familiar face and then I had to have a conversation with myself about rather or not to stop, but I figured I'd make myself friendly. Too often I walk past people I "know" without saying hi (when they're not looking) because I feel like there's no point. I'm like, why do they want to be bothered with me? They're busy, etc. Excuses. I run away from letting people get to know me unless they are in my immediate circle. Not surprisingly, I have let a couple of people into my inner bubble since I've been here and that has added comfort to the large-scale incomfortability I experience day in and day out here. The fellowship piece is missing and my extracurricular/recreational piece is SCREAMING. I'm tired of going out and doing stuff I don't feel like doing and not having fun but going out because I'm tired of sitting in my apartment alone. i thank God for the resources he's presented me with here that have the potential to expand into well-rooted friendships. Without them, I might have considered getting an application together to transfer. No, I like FSU, I promise. I also promise you, though, that without a social/spiritual support system out here life means nothing to me and all I'd do from day to day would just be performing my daily tasks and necessary duties like a robot, counting down the days until graduation as if I'm in a cell. I can't talk much more about that piece of what I deal with, though, because of how it could be perceived. My experience and how it could be made better is something I'm going to research one day when I'm working on my doctorate.
So... as I was walking I wasn't thinking about that, or about how sticky my skin was and how my clothes were sticking... I was pondering the whole concept of shopping for a church, then about how I was urging my friend yesterday to not expect perfection, but to expect a congregation and pastor to be doing the best they can. Then I went back to my initial strong reaction of the church I visited last week and the idea of another try sounds reasonable. A lot of people probably don't care much for me the first few times interacting with me, but I appreciate their patience. My dad didn't like my Atlanta church when he went that one time, but it was where I needed to be. So, I'll try it again a time or two more. I need to be in a situation where I'm going to church and people expect me to be there so much to the point where they call me on a Sunday I didn't show up like, "Um... where were you Miss Thang." How long must I live without accountability?
It's not even about a "special someone" anymore. It can't even be about that. I'm not lonely. I'm just frustrated with sub par people. Every guy I meet right now that appears to be pursuing me, I've learned, is a potential waste of my freaking time. I don't have time to waste. I really don't, especially when no one is talking about ANYTHING. I refuse to have my time be wasted in that way any further. I'm shifting my paradigm... just making friends with guys I come into contact with. No 'dates' or empty promises or void statements. None of that crap. Anyone unwilling to be my friend from jump is going to be a waste of time. I'm glad I've figured that out.
On a lighter note... um, this week has been way better than any other week I've had in Tallahassee and I've been here since July 13. It was all God. I've put more effort into acknowledging Him and asking Him for guidance this week and just sharing my life with Him. Funny how easy it can be to do that when He's all you have. :o)
Anyways...
At the beginning of my walk I saw a familiar face and then I had to have a conversation with myself about rather or not to stop, but I figured I'd make myself friendly. Too often I walk past people I "know" without saying hi (when they're not looking) because I feel like there's no point. I'm like, why do they want to be bothered with me? They're busy, etc. Excuses. I run away from letting people get to know me unless they are in my immediate circle. Not surprisingly, I have let a couple of people into my inner bubble since I've been here and that has added comfort to the large-scale incomfortability I experience day in and day out here. The fellowship piece is missing and my extracurricular/recreational piece is SCREAMING. I'm tired of going out and doing stuff I don't feel like doing and not having fun but going out because I'm tired of sitting in my apartment alone. i thank God for the resources he's presented me with here that have the potential to expand into well-rooted friendships. Without them, I might have considered getting an application together to transfer. No, I like FSU, I promise. I also promise you, though, that without a social/spiritual support system out here life means nothing to me and all I'd do from day to day would just be performing my daily tasks and necessary duties like a robot, counting down the days until graduation as if I'm in a cell. I can't talk much more about that piece of what I deal with, though, because of how it could be perceived. My experience and how it could be made better is something I'm going to research one day when I'm working on my doctorate.
So... as I was walking I wasn't thinking about that, or about how sticky my skin was and how my clothes were sticking... I was pondering the whole concept of shopping for a church, then about how I was urging my friend yesterday to not expect perfection, but to expect a congregation and pastor to be doing the best they can. Then I went back to my initial strong reaction of the church I visited last week and the idea of another try sounds reasonable. A lot of people probably don't care much for me the first few times interacting with me, but I appreciate their patience. My dad didn't like my Atlanta church when he went that one time, but it was where I needed to be. So, I'll try it again a time or two more. I need to be in a situation where I'm going to church and people expect me to be there so much to the point where they call me on a Sunday I didn't show up like, "Um... where were you Miss Thang." How long must I live without accountability?
It's not even about a "special someone" anymore. It can't even be about that. I'm not lonely. I'm just frustrated with sub par people. Every guy I meet right now that appears to be pursuing me, I've learned, is a potential waste of my freaking time. I don't have time to waste. I really don't, especially when no one is talking about ANYTHING. I refuse to have my time be wasted in that way any further. I'm shifting my paradigm... just making friends with guys I come into contact with. No 'dates' or empty promises or void statements. None of that crap. Anyone unwilling to be my friend from jump is going to be a waste of time. I'm glad I've figured that out.
On a lighter note... um, this week has been way better than any other week I've had in Tallahassee and I've been here since July 13. It was all God. I've put more effort into acknowledging Him and asking Him for guidance this week and just sharing my life with Him. Funny how easy it can be to do that when He's all you have. :o)
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