Lord I don't know what to do. Everything in me said "leave. what is this?" I couldn't see You. I couldn't concentrate. Yeah I could breathe and maybe it felt like You were there. I could tell that you had spoken to the man who spoke earlier. How am I suppose to concentrate on You and focus my heart on You with someone yelling, telling me to do so God? I don't function like that. Coaxing maybe, but not coercion, not yelling. Am I praising because someone told me to do it, or because I want to? Are my hands raised because I want him to shut up yelling or I want to do what most everyone else is doing? Where am I? Should I stay, or walk out of another service?
Did I just experience chaos, or was it divinely orchestrated. I felt so bad walking out, but I felt bad standing there too after a while. Are these people for real? Tell me that he is not honestly the only reason I'm still even here right now.... Here I am once again following a man in lieu of you... It must stop.
"...what was said to the rose to make it unfold...was said to me here in my chest"
Lord, I just want to be where I'm supposed to be. I'm so sick of being outside of what I'm supposed to be doing. Earlier I heard a word that I know was from You and then prayer, and then in the midst of it all I lost whatever grip I had. Is my issue that this church is more vocal that I'm used to or what? Is is a heart and spirit thing or a surface, Crystal thing? I need your wisdom so that I may discern the difference and act accordingly.
"If you want to draw close to me, and for me to draw near to you.... Repent so that you will no longer be heavy and stuck standing in the same place you've been in."
I can't detect your presences as long as I have all of this baggage of things I know need to be confessed and that I need to walk away from.
Change my heart Lord
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