It's been so long since I've written I feel backed up. Unfortunately, I feel like I have lost much of what I had decided to say long ago. I spend so much time by myself and with my own thoughts that I work out plenty of ideas and situations in my mind but I forget to write them down... and then I forget them. For the past 3 days I've gone run-walking around campus. It's a turn of a new leaf for me, exercising and such. I have 10x the energy and I feel great. I think people can tell. Exercising has definitely been time for me to think a lot about stuff... I guess you could say the rest of this entry are things that I've thought about during my quiet (most of the time) times.
Why do I walk alone? Because I can, because no one desires to walk with me. On the surface, this is a direct response to people upset with me for walking at night (Its ok. I know y'all love me. I promise I pass a lot of police and other folk when I go), but metaphorically this about where I am in my personal life. The guy that does want to be with me hasn't found me or doesn't know it yet. Because God sees fit, I'm still in a season of being alone. It's just that, now, I choose not to be lonely. When my phone doesn't ring I barely notice now. The idea of it forever being just me and God is not so scary now. I just don't like when people are like, no, don't go there or do that by yourself. People act as if I have this great blooming social life. Even in Atlanta if I waited around to go somewhere I wanted to go with someone if I didn't take it upon myself to go alone, if necessary, it wasn't happening. I'm through with relying on others for the steps I'm taking. If I want to do it and I feel ok about by myself, then I will. God hasn't seen fit to give me a 24/7 companion other than Jesus (great companion, by the way) so I'm not counting on that. Life is too short for me to wait around for people to be there. People WILL be there at times, yes, but I like being myself and not asking for the permission to be just that. So when I decide I'm going to make moves please appreciate what I'm trying to do and maybe send up a prayer for me. Know that I love you though.
Rumor mill... Daily I'm learning bit by bit just how much people talk about each other's business. I don't want to be apart of it, but I know that I participate by listening. I need to stop that too. They will probably never get to know much about me. I don't want my life to be the topic of their discussion. The less they know (or think they know), the better. I guess that's part of why I'm quiet, I think so much in my personal time that maybe I don't have a lot of surfacey things to say, and maybe I just refuse to let people in. No, that's not it. I let people in, it's just that I'm not trusting. If I've ever confided in you about anything, don't take it for granted, because I don't just do that.
Significant other person... He doesn't exist... or does he? I'm really in some kind of God-induced time out here. Sometimes I want to laugh at His sense of humor, but other times I resent Him for having me out here like this. I can't be mad though. He's challenging me to focus on Him and not the absence of the guy... and not on the guy that I think is him. Perspective is a trip. I'm glad I've moved beyond Crystal v20 and v21 onto v23. I like v23, but I know that v24 will be even better if I continue to draw closer to God and buy into what He seems to be doing with me. I still feel like we'll spar on the "Mr. Right" issue, but I'll roll with the punches and grow from it. I've learned so much. I wouldn't give up the past 2+ years with/as myself for anything... even though some points really did suck at times, and definitely still do... taking myself to movies and dinners.... or going to such places with sub par guys who are a waste of my freaking time and effort. I'm so done with that, as I mentioned in the previous entry. That's why I put back on my purity ring, my please-don't-talk-to-me- because-i-got-this-ring-on, Oh-my-gosh-do-you-see-how-small-this-freaking-diamond-is- and-you-really-think-I'm-engaged?!-come-ON-now, please-don't-waste-my-time, antique white gold purity ring. :)
I think I've said enough.... lol.
Posted on 10.11.2007 at 1:51 AM
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