It is well...

I'm in a good place right now with most things. I can't go into details, but I can tell you that I have it made.... unfortunately my development in the spirtual sphere is lacking and I've done some things recently that I could kick my own a** for, but it is what it is. It would be wrong for me to say, however, that I haven't had my share of thrills but I can't keep goin on like this. There is no stability for me and I am starting to find myself in the company of people that I don't feel like I can trust. Before, I used to ask all the necessary questions, but now I leave a lot to chance and discovery... which is ok to a point, but it's hella easy to get hurt that way and not see it coming. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, allowing myself to get hurt even though I see it coming. Letting go has not been my strong point recently, but I've wised up and I can see that certain people should not and will not be apart of my life and thoughts any longer. I can't deal with the lack of friendly reciprocation... being made "an option" instead of a priority. I will simply choose to no longer care. These are matters that have been heavy on my heart and head lately. How long can I put up with being treated so wrongly? I know that love makes no record of wrongs, but at some point you have to cut yourself off from situations that are hurtful to you and hold you back. Well, consider me a bravebird (Amel Larrieux) free from the people that hinder me, where I'm trying to go with things. But yeah, aside from dealing with that and spiritual matters (tho I am getting there, and that's all that SHOULD matter) my life is starting to look a LOT better. I feel like I'm being set up for greatness on SO many levels, and with that my spirituality is moving in step and blessings are on my path.


Posted on 5.30.2006 at 10:49 PM

my life

My life is ecstatic moments juxtaposed with intense sadness: I finally graduate from GA Tech, but I'm still at a great loss, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even discuss it properly at any length. It's frustrating as hell.
Posted on 5.26.2006 at 12:05 PM

"Weary" by Amel Larrieux

(I'm feelin this song at the moment.)

This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song
(repeat)

whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard
Chorus

Posted on 5.23.2006 at 12:18 AM

DJ won't you play this girl a love song...

To hell with rationality. I'm sick of it and of delayed gratification and patience. I want to scream sometimes because I want my happily ever after NOW, the family of my own, the dream job, dream home... but I know that I won't be able to really appreciate any of those things if I don't start out with nothing. This staying up late is getting out of control too. I need to get into some kind of sleep groove. Hopefully now that Gabby will be home since school is over she can help me wake up cus I have just completely shut DOWN this past week at home, and it's really time to get on the ball... plus I have a lot of work to do before I go to ATL for the weekend (YES!). Also, I'm psyched about this BBQ I'm going to on Sunday. I think it will be a good atmosphere for real. I hope red head can go to it with me, if not I may DARE going by myself. I can handle it I think... what do you think? O wait, it doesn't matter does it? :) For real though, since I don't know anyone except the host and maybe one other person I'm going to need some back up so that I won't end up talking to myself... or worse, pull my classic retreat-into-a-corner-and-write-in-your-moleskine-notebook-because-you're-alone thing. I do that when I HAVE to attend weddings alone. No one should have to do that though, It's God awful unless you know most of the people attending. I'd feel better abt going alone if I knew the host well, but ~psh... I don't even know if it's fair for me to say that I "know" him... that's a strong word in this situation. It will be nice to encounter a bit of randomness while in in ATL for those few days though... and I'm sure there will be.
Posted on 5.21.2006 at 5:07 AM

excerpts from a secret place

So now I'm in that stage of being single where I pity myself, I think. Well, I know I pity myself, but is it a stage? Does self pity lead to bitterness, or is it vice versa? It would seem logically that self pity would lead to one being bitter and mad at the world, but I feel like I've already gone through the point where I'm bitter and mad at my situation. Self pity doesn't get you anywhere, but I think it gets you farther than bitterness. If you pity yourself you might at least want to make things right or seek something better. Bitterness is raising the white flag and saying that nothin can or will change. I KNOW that God has something or someone AMAZING for me waiting around the corner but I feel so heavy, heavy with my own doubts, human hesitations, laziness to submit my soul as collateral... so here I am, yet still.

I keep saying over and over and over and over that I'm over it and that I've moved on. We ended, I can be ok with that...right? I was good, but recently there are moments and days where I'm not so sure... or not sure that I should be.I know the fact that I think like that probably means the closure is not there, but I can't shake that notion no matter how I try. Reason will not take over. On the other hand, I'm mostly cool , able to confront this thing with my 'everything's-fabulous-with-me-and-seeing-you-doesn't-affect-me-a-bit' face, my game face that I wear all the time to ward off the pity from others. Also, why won't/can't I let any other guy close to me? I mean like for real. I've become my version of a stoic. I refuse to open myself emotionally past the limits of my more public blogs. That's because most don't get it and NO ONE gets me. If I were to start flapping my lips about the content of my heart it would go unheard and underappreciated. No one I choose for myself will EVER be good enough for me, so I'm putting my purity ring back on and I'm just going to let it be. Who knows when it will be replaced? I'm unavailable for as long as God says I am.

My one-year commitment to be single expires as of July 1st... (or June 29 if you wanna be technical) and I'm sad to say that I'm not excited at all. I'm pretty sure that come July 1st I won't be pullin out the Patron or hitting the club with the girls in celebration... (it is a Saturday tho and I may end up somewhere, just not in commemoration). This has been the longest year of my life and I'm so weary. I've done a lot of running around without getting anywhere. I hate myself so much for spiritually wasting this year that I've spent single... like for real. I've been so complacent as I become more and more spiritually hollow and it's been easy too since I don't have anyone spiritually on point that's close enough to REALLY call me out...would I even care if they did..? I almost feel like I don't know how to stop and get back on track. I'm grateful that I don't have as much time to be at home in Augusta as I thought I did. I need to get back to ATL, not for the night life or even for my couple of folk out there, but for my church. I MUST plant roots. I can no longer exist as a dormant seed that doesn't get attached and grow.

Posted on 5.20.2006 at 5:21 AM

not deep, but literal

Should I open my mouth
and risk halting
the earth's axial rotation
in search of relief
or resolution in this matter?

I'd only stop breathing.

a familiar melody

Simple Gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple,
'tis the gift to be free,
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.

Refrain:

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
'Til by turning, turning we come round right

'Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
'Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we'll all live together and we'll all learn to say,

Refrain:

'Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
'Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of "me",
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we'll all live together with a love that is real.

Refrain:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've (well at least those of us who are American bred) have all probably heard the melody that goes with these lyrics. I heard it on a show I was watchin on pbs (go figure) and I had NO idea that there were actually lyrics to go with it. If you would like to hear the melody, go to this website:

http://www2.gol.com/users/quakers/simple_gifts.htm

Posted on 5.16.2006 at 5:13 AM

The Self Pity Stage

So now I'm in that stage of being single where I pity myself, I think. Well, I know I pity myself, but is it a stage? Does self pity lead to bitterness, or is it vice versa? It would seem logically that self pity would lead to one being bitter and mad at the world, but I feel like I've already gone through the point where I'm bitter and mad at my situation... or have negative reactions to all things dealing with romance and couples. I'm at the point now where though I'm slightly jealous of my homegirl's relationship, I'm really happy for them... like, I'm glad she has that. I only feel bad for myself that I don't, but not bitter. Self pity doesn't get you anywhere, but I think it gets you farther than bitterness. If you pity yourself you want to make things right or seek something better. Bitterness is raising the white flag and saying that nothin can or will change. I KNOW that God has something or someone AMAZING for me waiting around the corner but I feel so heavy, heavy with my own doubts, human hesitations, laziness to submit my soul as collateral... so here I am, yet still. Why won't/can't I let any other guy close to me? I mean like for real. I refuse to open myself emotionally past the limits of my more public blogs. That's because most don't get it and NO ONE gets me. If I were to start flapping my lips about the content of my heart it would go unheard and unappreciated. I'm tired of the games I play and that I'm subjected to. No one I choose for myself will EVER be good enough for me, so I'm putting my purity ring back on and I'm just going to let it be. Who knows when it will be replaced? I'm unavailable for as long as God says I am.

I hate myself so much for spiritually wasting this year that I've spent single... like for real. I've been so complacent as I become more and more spiritually hollow. I almost feel like I don't know how to stop and get back on track. I'm grateful that I don't have as much time to be at home in Augusta as I thought I did. I need to get back to ATL not for the night life or even for my couple of folk out there, but for my church. I MUST plant roots. I can no longer exist as a dormant seed that doesn't get attached and grow.

I thought it would last forever, but forever has come and gone much in the same way me and you did. It's no longer us against the world, its just me... or that's how it feels...but I'm quite used to that now. I don't know if I'm ready for the next paradigm shift confronting my life.

i like this poem

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

~Maya Angelou
Posted on 5.13.2006 at 3:24 PM

So... a LOT has happened.

Graduation and Friendship

I survived finals week and all of the stuff I had to do. I graduated this past Saturday with High Honors from Georgia Institute of Technology and a Bachelor's Degree in Science, Technology and Culture (whatever that is). My graduation celebration (thank ya laude) was on point because it was a room full of people that I love and that love me... as a matter of fact they did one of those things where everyone says something to you about what you mean to them. Let me tell you, I was suprised by most of the stuff I heard, and the reactions..folk crying talking about me? I mean, are you serious? I just go through my life doing what I feel is best for others, filling in gaps where I think I might need to, focusing on being a friend in the ways that seem most crucial, but I NEVER EVER thought that was special. I usually go around thinking that my attempts at being a good friend are shoddy at best, and who could ever think that being my friend is valuable? I tell you, it really meant a lot to me to hear that. I cried most of the time. I think God may have used my graduation gathering as a preview of who is going to be there for me... especially when I need folk more as I try to stand on my own two feet. There were a couple of people who fit in this category that weren't able to make it, but I know they have my back too... although one of them might not be who one would expect. I think the theme of my Senior year at Tech, especially Spring semester, was friendship. I did my best to develop it, cultivate it, embrace it, flow with it. Everything fell into place and I seriously feel that I know now who is and who isn't a friend. That doesn't mean I can't be a friend to people who aren't my friend but its unfortunate that there are people in my life who are soooooo wrapped up in their own issues and things that they don't really know how to be there for someone because they are so completely focused on themselves. I hope I never get like that. I will be the first to admit that I'm selfish as hell, and I might even cringe if a friend of mine needs me to come get them at some random location at a really bad time for me... but then I lecture myself about being a friend and I get off of my ass and do what needs to be done, not because I want them to do the same for me one day (though possible) but because its the RIGHT thing to do. One facet of love is putting yourself on the backburner. If YOU and everything that it encompasses blocks that ability most of the time, then your love function is simply malfunctional and you will continue to be the friend that your other friends carry... in a parasitic way even. Lacking in your ability to love doesn't make you a bad person however, because our ability to love is of God and comes from Him so it's not something anyone can boast in. I'll just say that God has seriously shown me who my real friends are blatantly and by giving me the ability to discern my friendships. I'm so grateful for that.

Looking toward the future...

The road that lies ahead of me is somewhat marked, but it's not paved (if you consider pavement the "how"). I don't know where I'm going to work next year, where to look, if I can even afford to work as a full time student, where I'm going to live... I'm finding myself compeltely overwhelmed with all the decisions that need to be made in the near future, decisions I can seriously think about now that I've graduated. I say passively that they "need to be made" because I know that ultimately I must look to God to aid me in making the right decisions, those that are best for me. God has really been trying to pull me aside and say "come let me hollatcha" and I've been pushing him away with "no God, I need to finish this paper," "not now God, I need to go to work... pack" and even "Not right now God, I want to stay in Atlanta and do my own thing for just a little while longer because I know that going home to Augusta means I will have no choice but to spend time with you." Well, now that I AM home, I realize that God is most likely going to use this time (if I cooperate) to give me the oppurtunity to draw near to Him, so that he can draw near to me and give me the inside spiritual scoop on my life and what needs to happen next and things. I seriously want to be wise and listen, but part of me is like no, keep running around... but I already know that it gets me nowhere. As I was driving home late tonight I kept thinking about how I've graduated, and yet I have NO peace. I have not been able to breathe and think about the fact that I did graduate... that's not good, but its because my life is piecy and I've been doing my utmost to leave God out, brushing him away like "Lord, I got this." Thinking I'm living "the good life" like T.I. and saying "It's a Celebration B*tches" like ya boi Kanye when really my life is so spiritually off that I can't tell whether I'm coming or going. I didn't take advantage of my last few opportunities to go to Destiny before I left town and now, I'm in Augusta where I will ironically go to church WEEKLY and not be fed. Maybe that's the point, I can't rely on Pastor for the meal I have to seek it myself.... I'm tired of writing now, and it's really time for me to go to bed, but I'm sure all of these issues will come up again.

ciao
Posted on 5.12.2006 at 3:24 AM

A Certain Comfort

Having you around was nice,

Not because I didn't want to be alone

(I've learned to be alone quite well)

or because no one else was available.

I enjoy your company.

In Disdain of pop 'love'

What is sentiment?
It has no place here anymore.
In a soul where romantic dreams
once ruled freely, scepticism has taken over
and reason infiltrates the remains of the sentimental sacred,
the happily-ever-afters and visions of walking to the altar in alabaster radiance.
Is there no end to this cyclical heart's journey?
You're found, you're lost and found again, maybe...
or you thought you were found in the first place,
but not really.

You're still lost as ever
the search has only paused.

Damn

I just saw my very blunt and very skinny friend in the library. She says out of the blue, "Have you gained weight?" Taken aback I didn't really know what to say. She was like, "I was wondering, you just look fatter."

That's it people. I'm not going to eat ever again.
Posted on 5.1.2006 at 4:00 PM

hold the toast

It's not yet time to celebrate, but I believe that I shall by the end of today... provided I am able to stay awake the whole time. My sleep schedule is in a dire state of confusion, just like my room... Yesterday around this time I finally finished that stupid paper I've been complaining about and then I went directly to church for the 8am service. I hadn't been in two weeks (yes, that means I did in fact miss the Easter service). I'm glad I went, but maybe I was a bit disappointed that the sermon was mostly about getting involved in ministry. I guess that is one of my bigger problems tho, I'm not rooted anywhere.

Oh yeah, part of me feels like it's spinning out of control and I'm going to mess up some lives (including mine) if I don't look to God for a grip. I feel like the Holy Spirit has been whispering some good news to me about my guy status, but every time, I push it away because I'm afraid that what I think I'm hearing is only a reflection of my desires. And how can I hear anything with the pure mayhem I've bred? Why would God even want to tell me anything good? I keep running away, away from everything I know to be true. At church yesterday I bought David Crowder Band's "A Collision" CD. I believe there must be healing there or something I'm supposed to hear because there was no way I could just NOT buy it. So it's actually 7:35am now and I'm in the library listening to 'Rescue is Coming' by David Crowder. I love this song. Tonight was my first time listening to it, but it hits home for me and the music is just so endearing and it makes you think. It's definitely good journal entry writing music, but most of their music is. Perhaps that's why I like their stuff so much.

I'm delirious... stayed up all night, stayin up all of today (hopefully)... it's shower time, plus I need to move my car before I get a ticket.

ciao.
Posted on 5.1.2006 at 7:08 AM