The Self Pity Stage

So now I'm in that stage of being single where I pity myself, I think. Well, I know I pity myself, but is it a stage? Does self pity lead to bitterness, or is it vice versa? It would seem logically that self pity would lead to one being bitter and mad at the world, but I feel like I've already gone through the point where I'm bitter and mad at my situation... or have negative reactions to all things dealing with romance and couples. I'm at the point now where though I'm slightly jealous of my homegirl's relationship, I'm really happy for them... like, I'm glad she has that. I only feel bad for myself that I don't, but not bitter. Self pity doesn't get you anywhere, but I think it gets you farther than bitterness. If you pity yourself you want to make things right or seek something better. Bitterness is raising the white flag and saying that nothin can or will change. I KNOW that God has something or someone AMAZING for me waiting around the corner but I feel so heavy, heavy with my own doubts, human hesitations, laziness to submit my soul as collateral... so here I am, yet still. Why won't/can't I let any other guy close to me? I mean like for real. I refuse to open myself emotionally past the limits of my more public blogs. That's because most don't get it and NO ONE gets me. If I were to start flapping my lips about the content of my heart it would go unheard and unappreciated. I'm tired of the games I play and that I'm subjected to. No one I choose for myself will EVER be good enough for me, so I'm putting my purity ring back on and I'm just going to let it be. Who knows when it will be replaced? I'm unavailable for as long as God says I am.

I hate myself so much for spiritually wasting this year that I've spent single... like for real. I've been so complacent as I become more and more spiritually hollow. I almost feel like I don't know how to stop and get back on track. I'm grateful that I don't have as much time to be at home in Augusta as I thought I did. I need to get back to ATL not for the night life or even for my couple of folk out there, but for my church. I MUST plant roots. I can no longer exist as a dormant seed that doesn't get attached and grow.