Graduation and Friendship
I survived finals week and all of the stuff I had to do. I graduated this past Saturday with High Honors from Georgia Institute of Technology and a Bachelor's Degree in Science, Technology and Culture (whatever that is). My graduation celebration (thank ya laude) was on point because it was a room full of people that I love and that love me... as a matter of fact they did one of those things where everyone says something to you about what you mean to them. Let me tell you, I was suprised by most of the stuff I heard, and the reactions..folk crying talking about me? I mean, are you serious? I just go through my life doing what I feel is best for others, filling in gaps where I think I might need to, focusing on being a friend in the ways that seem most crucial, but I NEVER EVER thought that was special. I usually go around thinking that my attempts at being a good friend are shoddy at best, and who could ever think that being my friend is valuable? I tell you, it really meant a lot to me to hear that. I cried most of the time. I think God may have used my graduation gathering as a preview of who is going to be there for me... especially when I need folk more as I try to stand on my own two feet. There were a couple of people who fit in this category that weren't able to make it, but I know they have my back too... although one of them might not be who one would expect. I think the theme of my Senior year at Tech, especially Spring semester, was friendship. I did my best to develop it, cultivate it, embrace it, flow with it. Everything fell into place and I seriously feel that I know now who is and who isn't a friend. That doesn't mean I can't be a friend to people who aren't my friend but its unfortunate that there are people in my life who are soooooo wrapped up in their own issues and things that they don't really know how to be there for someone because they are so completely focused on themselves. I hope I never get like that. I will be the first to admit that I'm selfish as hell, and I might even cringe if a friend of mine needs me to come get them at some random location at a really bad time for me... but then I lecture myself about being a friend and I get off of my ass and do what needs to be done, not because I want them to do the same for me one day (though possible) but because its the RIGHT thing to do. One facet of love is putting yourself on the backburner. If YOU and everything that it encompasses blocks that ability most of the time, then your love function is simply malfunctional and you will continue to be the friend that your other friends carry... in a parasitic way even. Lacking in your ability to love doesn't make you a bad person however, because our ability to love is of God and comes from Him so it's not something anyone can boast in. I'll just say that God has seriously shown me who my real friends are blatantly and by giving me the ability to discern my friendships. I'm so grateful for that.
Looking toward the future...
The road that lies ahead of me is somewhat marked, but it's not paved (if you consider pavement the "how"). I don't know where I'm going to work next year, where to look, if I can even afford to work as a full time student, where I'm going to live... I'm finding myself compeltely overwhelmed with all the decisions that need to be made in the near future, decisions I can seriously think about now that I've graduated. I say passively that they "need to be made" because I know that ultimately I must look to God to aid me in making the right decisions, those that are best for me. God has really been trying to pull me aside and say "come let me hollatcha" and I've been pushing him away with "no God, I need to finish this paper," "not now God, I need to go to work... pack" and even "Not right now God, I want to stay in Atlanta and do my own thing for just a little while longer because I know that going home to Augusta means I will have no choice but to spend time with you." Well, now that I AM home, I realize that God is most likely going to use this time (if I cooperate) to give me the oppurtunity to draw near to Him, so that he can draw near to me and give me the inside spiritual scoop on my life and what needs to happen next and things. I seriously want to be wise and listen, but part of me is like no, keep running around... but I already know that it gets me nowhere. As I was driving home late tonight I kept thinking about how I've graduated, and yet I have NO peace. I have not been able to breathe and think about the fact that I did graduate... that's not good, but its because my life is piecy and I've been doing my utmost to leave God out, brushing him away like "Lord, I got this." Thinking I'm living "the good life" like T.I. and saying "It's a Celebration B*tches" like ya boi Kanye when really my life is so spiritually off that I can't tell whether I'm coming or going. I didn't take advantage of my last few opportunities to go to Destiny before I left town and now, I'm in Augusta where I will ironically go to church WEEKLY and not be fed. Maybe that's the point, I can't rely on Pastor for the meal I have to seek it myself.... I'm tired of writing now, and it's really time for me to go to bed, but I'm sure all of these issues will come up again.
ciao
Posted on 5.12.2006 at 3:24 AM
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