So now I'm in that stage of being single where I pity myself, I think. Well, I know I pity myself, but is it a stage? Does self pity lead to bitterness, or is it vice versa? It would seem logically that self pity would lead to one being bitter and mad at the world, but I feel like I've already gone through the point where I'm bitter and mad at my situation. Self pity doesn't get you anywhere, but I think it gets you farther than bitterness. If you pity yourself you might at least want to make things right or seek something better. Bitterness is raising the white flag and saying that nothin can or will change. I KNOW that God has something or someone AMAZING for me waiting around the corner but I feel so heavy, heavy with my own doubts, human hesitations, laziness to submit my soul as collateral... so here I am, yet still.
I keep saying over and over and over and over that I'm over it and that I've moved on. We ended, I can be ok with that...right? I was good, but recently there are moments and days where I'm not so sure... or not sure that I should be.I know the fact that I think like that probably means the closure is not there, but I can't shake that notion no matter how I try. Reason will not take over. On the other hand, I'm mostly cool , able to confront this thing with my 'everything's-fabulous-with-me-and-seeing-you-doesn't-affect-me-a-bit' face, my game face that I wear all the time to ward off the pity from others. Also, why won't/can't I let any other guy close to me? I mean like for real. I've become my version of a stoic. I refuse to open myself emotionally past the limits of my more public blogs. That's because most don't get it and NO ONE gets me. If I were to start flapping my lips about the content of my heart it would go unheard and underappreciated. No one I choose for myself will EVER be good enough for me, so I'm putting my purity ring back on and I'm just going to let it be. Who knows when it will be replaced? I'm unavailable for as long as God says I am.
My one-year commitment to be single expires as of July 1st... (or June 29 if you wanna be technical) and I'm sad to say that I'm not excited at all. I'm pretty sure that come July 1st I won't be pullin out the Patron or hitting the club with the girls in celebration... (it is a Saturday tho and I may end up somewhere, just not in commemoration). This has been the longest year of my life and I'm so weary. I've done a lot of running around without getting anywhere. I hate myself so much for spiritually wasting this year that I've spent single... like for real. I've been so complacent as I become more and more spiritually hollow and it's been easy too since I don't have anyone spiritually on point that's close enough to REALLY call me out...would I even care if they did..? I almost feel like I don't know how to stop and get back on track. I'm grateful that I don't have as much time to be at home in Augusta as I thought I did. I need to get back to ATL, not for the night life or even for my couple of folk out there, but for my church. I MUST plant roots. I can no longer exist as a dormant seed that doesn't get attached and grow.
Posted on 5.20.2006 at 5:21 AM
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