Poof

Why can't it just be like "Girl, I met this awesome guy, Jesus, and He's precisely all I've ever wanted and needed. I know this is going to last!"? Why is it instead: girl meets boy, girl hopes high and these hopes are dashed by boy inevitably (because boy is human)? How do I continue on expecting so much and always getting the short end of the stick? You would think I'd stop being so easily amused by these jokers or at least I'd learn to no hope so high. Ok, so you meet a guy who seemingly has similar beliefs and seems to be deeply interested in you... that does NOT qualify him as an automatic Mr. Right... or even a suitable date and it CERTAINLY does not give you license to flitter around on cloud 9, head over heels.

It's just that I'm a damsel in distress waiting for a Prince Charming to scale infinite obstacles and save me from my castle of despair where feelings of lonliness are sometimes restrained but mostly reign supreme, and I search for comfort only to find it in temporary manifestations: fleeting excitement like clubs, parties and drinking and keeping company with guys who I feel have potential... or maybe far from it. This perpetuates an unfulfilling cycle of almost-steady disappointment... yet my hopes won't die. They'll contine to slay me, however, until I shift them to hope in my ETERNAL heavenly father. Maybe then I'll be slower, at least, to mistake situations for what they aren't or fudge good situations with hopes of unrealistic outcomes and seeking for needs to be met in the wrong channels.

So now I must "woo-sah" and say "What next Lord?... Passion 07? Alright then." One can only pray but so much to not care that he (whomever he is) may have lost interest. . . I'd just prefer that you hurt my feelings directly rather than tip-toeing around them. Trust... liking you is not falling for you (if that's what you're afraid of), and I'm not trying to be a friendly fixture if you don't want me to be. Just say the words and I'll "Poof!" with no regrets know that God has ordained my steps, which may seem like missteps, and failure is an opportunity to learn.

Thin skin is a sign of a Christ deficiency. When you're getting what you need from Him, it's harder to be hurt... harder to be sensitive (at least sensitive for your sake. Sensitivity to others feelings/needs is different)... more in a bit maybe.
Posted on 12.27.2006 at 12:14 AM

Romance is NOT dead...

It seems that God had plans for my week in New Orleans that I had not conceived of in the least. Apparently (like I've been told so many times) when you're not expecting it God brings refreshing new situations into your life, in my case, a new friend. Had you asked me about this outcome as a possibilty before the trip I wouldn't have guessed in a million years that things would be like this... And then I came back and my grades were tight. God's really been overtly blessing me. I mean I know I stay blessed up, but sometimes they're blessings in disguise like brokenness and sadness... hmm, maybe I'll finish this later.
Posted on 12.24.2006 at 2:11 AM

Ok, so excuse my French, but I'm feeling really shitty and I hate my life right now... yes, I do understand that it could be a LOT worse but knowing that only makes me grateful; It doesn't make me hurt any less. No one seems to understand that or the complexities of what all I'm struggling with internally. I guess expecting them to be able to in the first place would give people too much credit... I know that Student Affairs is something I want to do, but I'm having a hard time pulling myself together to scrape together my application and time is running out. Today when I called my mom she was talking about how I should write about my life as an essay for graduate school. She says that my life so far has been quite remarkable. I guess I try not to think about my life much at all or think highly of myself. I am, and that's all. I exist, nothing special about that or me. I have noticed that other people tend to feel differently about my existence but what good is there in my own celebration of me? O Jesus why can't you be in the flesh again, the thought of reaching out to a merely spritual, non-physical You earnestly strikes me as impossible and depressing. I guess I'm scared that if I go for it completely and seek you that I won't find anything... my hopes will be dashed... again. You know that You've never ever let me down, but I'm having a hard time feeling like that seeing as how I feel let down right now. I want to open up but I feel like I have no one to open up to. No one has time for all the stuff I deal with in my head and heart on a day to day basis. I'm starting to get tired of being asked how I am because I feel forced to lie, especially when I know people can see that something's up and are genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. Maybe I'm so stealthfully secure in my ability to listen to others that I feel there is no one else like me who can listen to me... but Sean listened. Ok well maybe there will never ever be anyone to match or top Sean's ability to hear me...besides God who I'm afraid will turn out to not actually be there and I know that this all sounds crazy and my spirituality should be about beliefs, not feelings and emotions but that's like asking me to cut off limbs... and I don't know where to start. I just have to get out of here, out of my body out of ATL. I need to get the hell away from all of these familiar people and familiar places that I harbor all of the old feelings towards and who will always relate the same to me. I just want all of this to end. I want to be happy for a while. Why is calling out to what seems like thin air so freaking hard. Devil I know you don't want me to succeed, this is probably all you... I know I can push through this with God, or do I know. There is no room for doubt here. Do you know what it's like to be alone all of the freaking time? Every where I realllllly want to go, I take myself, by myself. It's not that I don't ask people.... they're just not available. No one is ever freaking available. I'm melting down and there is freaking nobody anywhere. I have to stay strong for everyone else, but I'm so dead. I can't feel my anything... just pain. I don't even know if I really feel pain. I'm so messed up. I can't see my future. I can barely see two steps in front of me and none of this stuggle even seems worth it. I just want to die... sometimes.

Some Stuff I said about Male/Female Interactions

As far as chivalry, I see the decline. I personally believe that romance is dead until something or someone happens in my life to convince me otherwise.... but back to chivalry um, it's a cycle... many women allow themselves to buy into the demeaning musical culture, many guys do less to impress as a result, women accept this, guys continue. Why would a guy do more if you'll accept less...
If you are willing to answer to 'psssst' and 'hey shawty' or 'ooo you have a fat ass' then why should he say 'excuse me miss...' and attempt to have an intelligent conversation with you? As far as the whole independent woman thing I agree with complementarity, but not equality of the sexes. Equality would mean that we are exactly the same... and we are not. I'm not a man, and I don't want to be a man. I want to be married and submit to my husband as head of our household and be supportive. You may think that weak of me, but you can't have two leaders in a situation... and omg, I am so freaking tired of these weak men who don't know how to take charge with anything besides their genitalia or their stature or affiliations or their material position... people used to have hearts and values. Dude, just because you have a Mercedes it is NOT ok for you to blow the horn at me and expect me to approach your car. I do NOT approach cars. Cars dont impress me, and damn sure don't make a man...

Win me over with your winning personality and heart for Jesus and service, not your swagger and confidence in something fleeting... but I guess that speaks again to the failing values on both ends. Plenty of people just want someone to sleep with and be casual with. To be seeking something serious (like marriage) at my age makes me one of few and also a casuality in the current 'war' between the sexes, but why does it have to be a war? I want to love you. Can't you just love me and see me for who I am instead of the part of me that lies between my legs? Are you taking my number so you can get to know me, or do you just want it so you can fill some personal quota you have? or do you need someone to call or text when you're tipsy and the club and want a warm place to rest your head?... Ugh!! I can't even say anything else, I'm so done with all of this.

I really don't want to become a people hater

...but as soon as I get over the jab from one person here comes a left hook. I know I'm not supposed to expect anything from anyone but God, but it humanly natural to expect at least one or two people to vouch for you... and sometimes they do but having someone's back ALL the time would be an act of perfection. Who am I to demand or expect perfection from anyone? Isn't it safer to believe the truth, people are people and they let you down. I'll be let down a lot more times in my life and I'll let people down a lot more times before I die. That's just real. Naturally that hurts and it seems to me that we shouldn't look to those that hurt us to deal with our hurt, that's God's job.... but why is that so easy to forget?... so easy to forget the transgressions others make against us. On the other hand I do think my fair-weather-friend quota is about full. I'm tired of people that can only deal with and appreciate me when I'm sunny and cheery and don't seem to care to dig deeper... maybe if you did you'd see all the ish I been struggling with the past few months.... but once again that's not your job, to deal with my heart. Ironically though, I've apparently been charged with the duty of listening to your struggles so much so that you may think you share an intimate friendship with me that's really unilateral, but maybe you simply haven't been charged with the duty of knowing and listening to me, dealing with my heavy. On the other hand it's probably mostly me, withholding myself because I'm tired of putting myself out there heartwise and recoiling back in pain. There's only one safe outlet for me and He's listening out for me 24/7, waking and sleeping... I need only to break the silence.
Posted on 11.14.2006 at 11:41 PM

Does not adhere to wounds

Everything you do seems to scream
"Look at me, I'm hot stuff, I'm special.
I'm a big deal, love me."
But how do you know how much
of you is really you, no extra bells and whistles?
and that people are 'loving' you for the right reasons?
For who you are and who you aren't
Who you have the potential to become,
and who you will never be.
Child of God covered by the blood of His Son,
don't you know that this is merely an extension
to the bandage you wear inwardly, you know
the one that dictates the moves you make
but that you swear doesn't exist?
No manmade thing you add to yourself will
make you a man or prove your manhood...
you knew that right?
Bandages are meant to be worn temporarily
but in order to heal you must let the hurt surface and air out.

And I must willfully accept and follow my own advice.
Posted on 11.14.2006 at 12:10 PM

You should get one too

Have you ever been so out of touch you didn't know what you felt? I am so out of touch with my heart that I can't tell what's wrong with it specifically. On a broad perspective the answer to what's wrong with me is [that I'm] hiding and holding back my heart from God. It's like covering up and nursing an infected wound that needs healing ointment to even hope to get better. I don't know what to plead for because I don't know my heart specifics but surely I haven't asked. There's so much wrong and hurt in there... all tightly packed into a clenched fist of insecurity, standoffishness and hardened sensitivity. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be complete but I don't know how to reach out and appeal to the help of the nonphysical, heavenly realms. I have little faith but do I really have anything more to lose right now?? I'm no longer bright-eyed and hopeful. It feels like those closest to me are slipping away. . .
Posted on 11.13.2006 at 3:59 PM

Romance is dead... for me for now.

Somehow with the writing of my blog on October 20th came an internal resolution to not return to my home. Everything is pain. Everyone is pain. I'm so broken I should be in a full body cast, and going to the place I left is like ripping off a huge scab and pouring on it the most irritating alcohol ever. There is fellowship in suffering.... but what if there is suffering in fellowship? What if fellowship IS the suffering? I guess if everything is suffering though, what does it really matter? Somewhere during all the madness I built an impenetrable bubble around me. Now I'm at the point where I've lost sight "me." Who am I? This person that desperately wants to love and be loved, yet as a result of life's recency, now feels that romance is dead and would sooner die than open up again... although closedness is a form of death in itself.
Posted on 11.11.2006 at 5:57 PM

My Katrina Heart

I'm realizing that itt's easier to exclude yourself from something real than to be a part of it, and easier to shut people out than to let them see the real you. For the longest time I've been talking about my desire for intimacy only to realize that I'm scared of it. If I let people get truly close to me and I get close to them, then they'll eventually see the ugliest of my flaws... yes I do admit to having many. I guess what's even scarier is being informed of the flaws and issues I didn't know that I had and facing the pain and challenge of working through them with Jesus and those close to me. More and more I'm seeing that a life without intimacy is a form of ignorance and this ignorance is not blissful in the least. It's just ignorant, lonely and frustrating. Am I more content to walk in the dark of who I am than to begin the process of coming to grips with my own dark heart to move toward personal spiritual change? Why is it so much easier to sit in despair's mire than to reach out to Him and claim, embrace my identity. I'll admit that work is not one of my strong points so that's probably a factor but that can't be it. I'm sure that God won't reject me with the covering of His precious Son, my savior, but does it scare me to really begin the process and realize that, He (Jesus) really IS there waiting patiently to dialogue with me and gut this house that I call my heart. My heart is like a house affected by hurricane Katrina, flooded to the roof with human sins and impurities, hurts, disappointment, abandonment, isolation, fear, rejection, dark motives... a house that has been ignored and essentially left to its own devices, to stew in its own shortcomings and destruction, everything untouched. It's so devestatingly hopeless that I don't even want to return, but that's what it will take...

"...but Katrina was an act of God though... and God don't make mistakes." ~A.Linton
Posted on 10.29.2006 at 11:01 PM

If I... This is why

My trust is hard to come by these days and easy as hell to lose. Life right now concerning people is like, don't get your hopes up. Expect things to not work out (esp. with males). Expect to be hurt and maybe it won't hurt so much when you are, and by all means don't tell anybody how you feel because they won't understand... or maybe they'll take for granted that you confided in them. So this is what pessimism is like. I don't know how people make it without Jesus... because if I had to rely on people or one person to have my back all the time or for me to remain sane, I'd be up a creek. That's not to say that I don't have a person or two that has my back, but it's rare to find someone who has it 24/7. There has to be that ONE relationship in life that doesn't involve pain inflicted from the other person... and that doesn't happen with people. It’s not meant to. We're imperfect, so naturally we're going to hurt and be hurt, intentionally and unintentionally. It seems like every time I look up my circle of confidence gets smaller and smaller, not that it was ever big in the first place. If it's not smaller the dynamics are definitely changing. I'll be there for you as best I can, and I'll continue know a lot about you and your life, because listening and empathizing is what I do... but from now on I chose to keep me to myself.. If I start to seem distant from you, that’s because I am… maybe I’m trying to put some arm length there. Perhaps how we relate is eclipsing who I’m supposed to be becoming. It hurts now to open up and attempt to trust flesh and blood. My heart’s tired, and it’s been kicked and shoved and pierced and shattered and never healed so it bruises easily. It belongs to Jesus. He can work His mastership on it and show me an intimacy that’s safe because I can’t, I REFUSE to continue on like this with all of this tip-of-the-iceberg-ness. I want to be fully known and understood, and only Jesus can do that. I see that now, so if continuing to have you in my life keeps me from Him I’m sorry but I’m choosing Him. I CAN’T do this anymore.
Posted on 10.25.2006 at 1:47 AM

Some days it aint sunny but it ain't so hard

Wow, I didn't even notice the coming and going of the 18th in any particular significance. Maybe things really have gotten better. I was proud of myself for not noticing. I have no need for a moment or day of silence to reflect on what was... or maybe that's what this is. Some break ups really do have a deep and lasting impact, and I have been trying to figure out why. Why is it that, after you're not used to seeing the person, you forgot what they smell like or how they sound when they sneeze and you realize that your existence no longer has anything to do with theirs, it can even be a lingering thought? Then I took a step back. There's still hurt, a deep hurt. Why? Well I think a big part of it is the harsh truth that something you thought you knew was going to work out didn't at all and you lost a friend, which is especially crazy when you're still in a situation where you can't act like they don't exist... or worse, you may have to interact like everything is all cute, cool and good like nothing ever happened, like there isn't still some carry-over hurt there.

So I guess you could say I see my leaving ATL as a deliverance on a few levels. I get a fresh start. I don't do too well with routine but at the same time I'm a habit former and find myself in ruts (more like unhealthy patterns) so I need a change of scenery for a while. Plus, I just realized something this weekend. I do love my homegirls but this weekend I saw how cool it can be to interact with people who have no prior knowledge of me (other than what my dad might have said about me in class, he's a professor). I get to be EXACTLY who I am right now, not the conglomerate of who I used to be and who I'm expected to be. On Saturday I was out with 3 people I've never hung out with before and for once I just felt relaxed like I could be me. I mean it coulda been the people too (I did meet this really cool guy) . I didn't feel like I had to impress them or had to act a certain way (because to act different would interfere with how I usually or used to act and would merit explanation). As a result of this, I was quite bubbly and carefree cracking jokes and having a lot of fun. Now I'm not saying I don't have fun with my folk, but this was a good, different fun.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

I'm really trying to cling to that verse right now. I'd be lying if I said I liked life in its totality right now. I'm not so pessimistic as to say that I'll never reach a point where I do. Sure there will always be pleasant and unpleasant things but I'm aiming for contentment.
Posted on 10.20.2006 at 4:33 PM

swagger

One thing I remembered I strongly disliked today is men who walk with a swagger. Ok, I don't hate the men but if you walk like you think (or know) that your package is bigger than everyone else, or you want people to think you're the ish because you know you probably aren't or even if you actually are it is exceedingly annoying to me. It's an overdose of self pride on display and that's not the kind of man I'm checking for. I just think there is something to be said for someone who places a value on humility rather than making much of himself.
Posted on 10.17.2006 at 12:21 AM

real talk

Disclaimer: This is not to step on toes, hurt feelings, make anyone feel bad and all that jazz. I just felt like I had to express this to order my thoughts and realize what I was feeling. I would prefer that you DO NOT COMMENT. If you would like to pray for me though, feel free.

I'm starting to get a lil tired of people telling me what to do about my spiritual relationship, trying to tell me they are/have been through/know what's going on with me (even if that may be true). It's like how can you tell someone (me) what they should feel or how they feel about something. You can make suggestions but don't tell me that doing exactly what you did is going to make my situation turn out like yours. I'm realizing that if expect my walk to be any particular way other than as God designed it then I might be missing the point of whatever situations I find myself in. I'm sorry that I make things difficult for myself by constantly jumping from side to side and sometimes chilling on the fence, one foot in both pastures. I have my good and my bad days. This has been a bad/off week for me, but please by all means don't tell me what I need to do or (even worse) what I should be doing. If anything has become blatant to me it's that I need to get on up OUT of Atlanta for a while. My church is even a distraction and I hate that every time I go I have to fight previous emotional ties or just the fact that the acquaintances I have (except for small group and e cubed) are all tied to an entity that I want to be completely free of, and maybe even forget. I don't want to think about these things at church. I thought it was a sanctuary but I have no peace when I'm there. I feel like a poser too. I'm not feeling ANYTHING right now, not church, not school, not work, not anything. All I want to do is write and sleep. I probably write in my sleep. I just don't know it. I feel suffocated because everyone is telling me what to do about this or about this and the noise is so loud that I can't hear anything so I shut it ALL out. I'd rather hit my low point and actually FEEL something (I know that's a strong thing to seek) than continue to be surrounded by these padded walls and never encounter brutual reality. How will I ever figure out where the end of myself is if people keep trying to tell me who I am and who I should be? What's a breakthrough when there is no adversity to break through. I'm tired of this 'life' sugarcoated and misrepresented, Christianity idealized and intangible, unreachable. In my mind I walk a path that's un-trekable. Yes, Pastor you did point out to me that "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." I even wrote about what I experienced that night and it has helped me immensely in my practical life. I'm really going all 'carpe diem' on my adultness.

I don't know what it is but when I realized that my academic life was completely unsure that mechanism in my heart that was so eager to walk down the 'path God has for me' loosened and I began to hang on for dear life, like at any moment I would experience my own personal Katrina. It would be fair to say that right now I am QUITE disturbed and very upset. I think I hide my distress well, but I'm holding on by a very thin thin thin spider silk strand of faith. I'm trying to thank You (LORD) for everything in my life that you've done and are doing now. I know I can't get mad whenever I face adversity but then sometimes I'm like "bring it on",not that I want You to be tempted but because instead of yielding my 'life' and self to You I just flip the heck out and forget who I belong to. I use my 'old' life as a crutch to help me cope with the day-to-day. Instead of taking further time to ponder what's off (nearly everything), it's easier to go out with a homegirl, even if it's a random run to CVS or I get all hyped up for no reason when I really wish that I was capable of being hyped up about You. Wait, I won't say that because 'hype' is temporary. For once I'd like to experience what a deep rooted joy and peace is but as soon as I begin to seek that I feel an artificial sense of 'ok' and it's like cool, why bother?? Then 'why bother' expands to 'maybe 'need' is a strong word, I don't need you because I got this.' That's disturbing because how can the created exist independently of the Creator? It can't. It will wither and fade away, or maybe end up in a mental institution or physically dead. With my whims and indecision and indeterminance and lack of focus I've backed the Holy Spirit living within me into the ICU like it's been in a horrible car crash and is paralyzed and may need a heart transplant (which I know may not make sense). My God, my God I walked off a plank tonight, hand-in-hand with a friend. It's like my body (flesh, active physical me) is in a soundproof diorama of my environment and I(my mind, my heart) is looking into it and trying to flag my body down to say "no, don't step there! don't make that move" only I'm behind a two way mirror and it's still to bright on the inside of the diorama to reveal the observer (me) on the outer side. [Most of you will probably not get (at all) what I was trying to say with that metaphor because it's really weird, but the good thing is that this is not about whether or not you understand it or me.] I keep feeling like it may take a really low or dark point for me to really see God. In the meantime I feel like I'll just go insane dealing with the day-to-day realities and uncertainties of what society terms 'growing pains.' An onlooker might decide that what I'm experiencing is 'normal' whatever that means. Right now I have no interest in normal.... or even what other people have to say to me about this right now... or what you might think of me in this moment... or what you ever thought in the first place. I'm not there yet... wherever 'there' is.




Posted on 10.6.2006 at 3:55 AM

Whimsical Anonymous

You could say that 9 to 5 is the way to do things and all life is about is work. We go to school when we're younger to be exposed to a variety of things primarily so that we'll make an informed decision when we have to choose what we're going to be for the rest of our lives. But what about being ourselves? Is that ok? Why do we work so hard to maintain so much stuff that means nothing? Work supercedes home and family forsaking an feigned, uncertain comfortability and fertile soil for our children as we work our lives away. Why do our children do homework late into the night? All to get a secondary education that will catapult them into a higher education to help them secure that 9 to 5 which will then place them in the same predicament. Who's taking care of home? Without a mate, who's taking care of me? Making sure that I eat my three meals a day and such? I can't very well create a home for myself if all I do is work and home is primarily for sleep.

I'm not against working, because that's built into the design, but I'm sorry... making a living should never get in the way of living. I think if more people understood that a lot would be different.

That's why when I hear songs like "Letting Go" by Janelle Monae and "Waltz" by Fiona Apple I feel like they get it. I'm ok with dropping everything (my work) to live for a moment and have a time out, because those moments are what I'll remember when I'm older. I'll remember how me and my homegirl randomly walked to Georgia State one beautiful afternoon or how we ended up at a happy hour in a secluded spot or that flower I discovered when I stopped to look. Yeah, I'm a dreamer and I can be criticized for living in the not-present and it's a thing that I love/hate about myself, but when it's all said and done I've learned to appreciate and expect surprises from the tangential.

I'm havin a good day. I finally picked my bible back up and read some of Matthew last night. It had been a minute since I did some reading on my own. I don't know why I just kept hesitating and procrastinating... much worse than how I do for school. I'm glad I came to my senses last night though.

I used to think my friends didn't understand what I've been going through, but I'm learning that they get me a lot more than I think. That's encouraging. I'm also learning to value any moment in which a person decides to divulge a part of themselves to me, you know, those real moments that go behind "how are you? i'm fine." It's just a really nice human moment when a person is willing to cut through the superficiality of things and be straight up, "Life's a struggle right now." That helps other people know that they aren't alone, man.

Time for me to leave for class though.
Posted on 9.26.2006 at 11:30 AM

hills and valleys

Last Wednesday was one of the higher points in my recent life... well, today... not so much. I'm making it but I'm upset about stuff, which is crazy because it doesn't do any good to be upset about things you have no control over whatsoever. I'm upset about being in school for another 3 years, which is something I do have control over. I'm not going to be stupid and quit the program for the simple fact that I hate being in school, but I find a couple of my classes to be quite loathesome and I would really like to just go along my merry way. I'm probably trippin a little because Monday is my worst day. I have the two classes I don't like today from 1-3:30 and from 4:30 to 7:00pm. The 4 o'clock class is my intro class and my prof likes to use the entire time. I can imagine myself leaving class early when we "fall back" for daylight savings time. A week ago a student at the college of education was mugged by 5 people. What the heck? Anyways, I'm having a bad day, so if you have a second say a quick prayer for me so I can make it thru these dreadful classes today.

ciao.
Posted on 9.25.2006 at 11:06 AM

Flip your thinking

I dragged myself to church last night. I had missed out on a few weeks and I kept telling myself yesterday that I HAD to get there last night... even if that meant getting to church 2hrs early (which I did and walked to Walmart to get food and such). Let me tell you, it wasn't easy because on Wednesdays it always seems like this cloud of depression comes over me and all I want to do is go home and lie across the bed in front of the tv so that's why I said I dragged myself. I usually succumb to my urge to go directly home, but I'm so glad that God enabled me to overcome myself this time...

You see as hard as it seems for me to get to church (feelin so heavy) the times I make it there (esp. Wed nights) I expect God to speak to me in a BIG way. I've definitely felt like that the most recent few times I've been. I guess you could say when I got there last night I still had expectations, but I was so so so discouraged. I felt defeated. I guess I wasn't the only one though, because the worship leader cued in on it and was saying that so many of us in the crowd looked so downtrodden and heavy and he gave us a pep talk of sorts. It took me a minute, but I began to warm up and realize why I was there (to praise God) and whose I am (God's). I wasn't fully aware of it then, but by moving me to submit my heart to Him in praise and worship, God had me right where He needed me to be to hear what He was going to say later... or maybe what he's been screaming all alone.

Pastor got up there and said "For as a man thinketh in his heart so is he... Proverbs 23:7"... It hit me. All along I had seen that verse in terms of the outcome being evidence of the heart, like if you are really mean you're mean in your heart. When Pastor said it this time though, I began to understand it better. There's Hope in that verse, opportunity to change. I saw that God has been changing me, working through my life, but my thoughts haven't changed much and until my thoughts toward myself and Jesus and my relationship with Him change, the big things He's doing can't really take root. Pastor said, "There are many of you who already have victory, you just have to change your thinking. You have to choose victory. Victory belongs to you." Now I had always heard the whole "victory" thing and was like yeah yeah yeah. I never felt that until last night. I have victory in my life. I can see some of that now (I won't say that I see it all because that would be misleading). My thinking will change in the areas of my past failures, fears and hurts and my vision of my self in Christ will change and I can be free if I recognize and acknowledge that I've already won (Revelations). No one is telling me that life will be easy (I've figured that out now) but I will choose Christ's perspective not my own.

Pastor said point blank, "The way you think about life will determine your destiny."

I know that most of you don't know me at all, and those of you who think you know me really don't know much about me at all because I'm usually in the listener's chair (which is ok). Even so I want you to understand why this message was such a break through for me. I have been having the most AWFUL self-defeating thoughts for the longest time, like for forever... they got better in my last relationship, but when that ended I think they got worse. I've been so defeated in how I think about myself in relationship to Jesus (I'm horrible, I suck, I'll NEVER be close to Him at all), how I think about my physical appearance (I'm not pretty or beautiful or anything, people are just being nice when they say that), how I view myself as a woman/adult (I'll never grow up or be sophisticated like the other females my age, I look young so people don't respect me as an adult anyway... that's why the lady right before last night's service overlooked me when she was inviting all the women to the Women's ministry event on Friday night), and more devestatingly in how I view my future ( I hate school, I'll never make it through this graduate school program, I'll never get married, never have children, Who'd want to marry me anyway?!).

It wasn't until my spirit heard what God was speaking to me last night that the pandemonium in my head slowed to a halt and I realized for real that God knows exactly what my purpose is in Him and that "my best and brightest days" truly ARE ahead of me and the sooner I start believing that, the better. I have to view myself as God sees me, not as the devil wants me to see myself. If I keep looking at myself asI think others see me or who I would be WITHOUT God, I'll always defeat myself and never get anywhere.

I'm so thankful that God saw fit to free me from what I was going through internally. I know that I have to work at maintaining healthful thoughts through prayer and staying in His Word, but finally I feel like I've at least stepped off on the right foot.

Jesus IS the way. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Posted on 9.21.2006 at 10:44 AM

Until then... I'm Done

Is it too much to ask for someone tangible to love and who loves me back romantically? Why does every love endeavor end in a dead end? Why is Mr. Right a fluid concept that flows right past me, right through me, right over me? I waste my time pining over the wrong so-and-so's. The wrong guys approach me and I'm sick of being alone, but I'm sick of keeping a list of male friends that I know are willing to keep me company. I don't want to live like this. One would think that the farther I trek into this situation of companionless my standards would loosen, instead the list of criteria grows spiritually. It seems like the Holy Spirit is pointing out all of the No-No's and adding more things that I should be seeking in an intended day-by-day and I know that's a blessing but Lord Jesus how long must I be out here like this? I'm not feeling it anymore. I thought we had decided on a year and then Warrior for Christ, amazing, strong man of God was supposed to come and whisk me off of my feet and all of this would be over... but you've just left me here in the mire of my discontentment and I'm trying to be happy, but I'm really not feeling this. This isn't what I thought I was looking for when I said, "Ok God, I'll follow you." I feel like I've been left high and dry and there isn't anything I can do about anything but just sit and wait for the love that will never come.

You're so disconnected from me.To think that we ever could be again was ludicrous and I know it. Things being in perspective now, I don't think that's something I even want anymore.

Skippin

I skipped my evening class yesterday. I realllly didn't feel like going because I wasn't prepared, so I took that extra time and prepared for class today, only to get an email saying that the stuff that was due today is no longer due, which is a pain. I'd rather be ahead than behind though. My intro to school psych class is kicking my butt because my teacher gives us volumes and volumes of reading to do weekly. This week is better already though because tomorrow I have my favorite class, interpersonal skills. It's like this counseling-type class. It's the one class out of 4 that doesn't stress me out. It doesn't hurt that it's also pass/fail :)

Having said that, I'm running to class (more like to the trolley, to Marta, to 5 points, to class... ugh)

ciao
Posted on 9.12.2006 at 11:38 AM

5 years

5 years ago today I was a Senior in high school who knew absolutely nothing about being adult and living on her own... and now I'm a first year graduate student who's seeing a little clearer into the adult thing and realizes that she's not feeling it.

A lot is going on with me right now... I guess that's why I don't write much recently.

First and foremost, I'm drowning in grad school work... not that I don't have the time to complete it all, it's just that I can't seem to find any grounding, concentration, self-discipline, or any of those things one needs to suceed in a course of study that requires a ridiculous amount of reading. O yeah, did I mention that I hate to read? I prefer books on tape, but I doubt that my textbooks and random Psych articles are. To say that I need balance is an understatement. I'm not getting work done on the work end or the school work end and commuting is tiring and I just want to lie down when I get home. My parents are like, that's being adult, it doesn't get less complicated than that. Now I'm rethinking the whole thing. American adults work entirely too much. What is life? Why don't most working American adults have much of one outside of their occupation? I'm moving to France (not really, but I like the idea of a shorter work week). Life is short. I would like a LOT more time to enjoy it.

Sadly, I'm losing a good friend of mine and I don't know if I'll get that person back when it's all said and done. It's worth being patient though and seeing what happens, but I miss them already. Who knows, maybe it was one of those situations where God only allows you to be in that person's life (and vice versa) temporarily for whatever reason. I am understanding more now that sometimes ( a lot of times) you have to let go and let be, so that's what I'm doing.

I'm serving in the ministry at my church in two specific areas that are related. That hasn't jumped off completely just yet. That's a blessing though because I don't know how to manage what I am actively doing, let alone the whole aspect of eating, sleeping and exercising. I hate feeling like I'm just all over the place. I have too much going on, and I can't pin myself down to get anything done. It's scary actually. I've been praying on it though, and I know it will get better because my attitude is changing.

Well, I left Augusta around 3:30am (a few hrs ago) to get to ATL early enough to avoid traffic and ensure that I was at work on time... which means that I had about an hour and a half of sleep, so I'm going to take a cat nap at my desk until the office opens officially at 8am... then it's back on the grind. Man, what's all of this for? I just want to go play outside...



Posted on 9.11.2006 at 6:27 AM

funds

I STILL don't have my finaid refund check from GSU which means I dont have any books.
Posted on 9.6.2006 at 4:05 PM

Greener grass

It's so easy to not be happy with what you have or where you are in life. Sometimes I look around me and I'm like wow, that person has a job doing this or this person is having this particular life experience. I have to remind myself that God really is in control and before I was born He knew me, and He has plans for me. So, why is it so easy to be concerned with what I feel like I'm lacking or missing? 'The Lord is my Shepherd. I have everything I need.'-Psalm 23:1 Why must contentment be something that must be striven for? I wish it came naturally, and perhaps it does for some people. The grass is not usually greener on the other side, it's a mirage... I mean unless the situation is extreme or something like that.
Posted on 9.2.2006 at 10:12 PM

Search my heart O God

Sis and I never had that talk, but Godwilling we will have the time one day.

So yeah, mom worried me a little today. She had overheard me say something last night that made her caution me to make sure I wasn't serving in this particular ministry for any reason other than God. I assured her that my reason had nothing do do with that situation, but she was just like, make sure your intentions are pure because God wants you to seek just Him. In the coming days, weeks or so I will ask God to search my heart because He knows it wayyyyyy better than I think I do or ever could. I don't want to be making what I believe to be a huge step in my spiritual life because deep down I'm trying to get my ex back. I sat out for a year and I really feel like the time is right now for me to get involved in this . I've always wanted to serve there and I desperately need the support network and comraderie. I can also reason that I can get support from my smallgroup, but I feel like I need to be surrounded by as much support as possible. Even so, I need to be sure that my heart is not wrong in this thing. I want to be so sold out to Jesus that I forgot me and dude ever even dated or that I still love him and would like to get back together. This year is sooooo not about anything between me and him. It's really about how God is going to use the ministry we serve in to impact Atlanta's college and single population. From the meeting the other night it's clear that God has big big big plans for this ministry, for our congregation, for the unchurched in Atlanta. I'm really excited about all of it, but I'm worried that I won't be able to do everything plus school. I'll be working at GT, taking classes at school, working in this ministry in some capacity, and also working on the staff of a newspaper for the ministry that's over this ministry. I know I can do it because people have gone through grad school with husbands, children, full-time jobs and probably serving in church so I don't know what busy is. I have nothing to complain about. My situation is no way near too big for God. He can certainly take care of me and everything I'm signing up for 1 million fold. I need to get wayyy better at trusting him and not taking strength inventory based on my strength apart from Him, because without him I have none.

I'm in a somewhat familiar place right now where I begin to have gut reactions to things that I know aren't right, and I actually act to remove myself from them. I'm even looking at pledging from a different angle without anyone overtly saying anything to me about it. There was a time when I was prepared to be completely sold out to an organization regardless of the bad things, and now I can't see past the lacking character. I still make distinctions between grad and undergrad chapters and such, but they are starting to meld into the same image for me. I just feel so good. I hope that by grace I will continue to walk toward Jesus, not stand still, not move backward but actually walk up. I'm so excited.

But I was serious, I want to forget that me and dude ever had a relationship and make sure this is all about my love for Jesus and desire to walk in His footsteps and spread the gospel to the lost masses through Him, and him only.

Iight so I'm having a good week. The key word so far has been "provision", in the Godly sense. I don't have any of my textbooks and I have no money until Ga State decides to give me my finaid refund. I was freaking out about it, but my profs have been understanding. I can't buy my Ga Tech (I work there) parking permit until I get my refund so parking has been hella expensive... or at least it should be. Somehow it turns out that the parking attendant in the pay lot in which I park seems to unofficially close aroun 7:30-8:00pm. I try to hang around on campus until then so I can save the $10 for the day since I have to be up here every day... but it's nice that the lot attendant leaves so I don't have to use my food money on parking, lol. Let's see... I know that my classes are late in the day and that I have no excuse to be sleepy or sleep during them but during undergrad I nodded off or slept in most of my classes regardless of the time of day. Also I have a short attention span and all of my classes now are 2.5hrs long, some without breaks. Miraculously I have been beyond attentive in every class so far, listening to everything that is said and writing copious notes. I've been mentally part of discussion...at least. I still don't like talking in class, but being in class all week with most of the same people makes you way more comfortable. I'm sure my cohorts and I will be the best of friends by December. The social aspect of things makes being a grad school 'freshman' more bearable.

I have no idea what made my think to do this because there were a lot of people I could have asked but today I stopped by the office of someone who I know just recently finished law school and I asked her if she had any tips for me on how to be successful at all the reading I have to do in grad school. Her advice really helped and I assume that it will be work when I put it to action. It is nice to breathe right now though. Wednesday will be my breathing day since I don't have class on Thursdays and Fridays. I won't be slacking off, but some of the pressue will be gone at least... the pressure to have an assignment done or a reading due. This whole breathing thing is nice.


Posted on 8.30.2006 at 6:14 PM

fluff class

So... today was my last day of classes for the week. Thank GOD, because I didn't know how I was going to do it another. I feel like I'm about to die when I'm in those 2.5hr long classes, and when I get home I'm sooooo tired. The class I had today was my fluff class. I mean, yeah, there is a point to it but it's pass/fail and it should be fun. It's called "Interpersonal Skills I". I wish I could have taken classes like that in undergrad (yay Tech)... but on a gloomier note, I just printed 103 pages of readings for class for next week... those are in addition to 80 or so pages that were handed to me in my intro class along with the Intro and first 2 chapters of a book I haven't been able to get yet.... craaaaaaaziness.

After class today I MARTA'd to Tech to check on some HR stuff and to get in my car and drive home. Instead of home, I ended up at walmart because I reasoned that if I were to go home I would have gone to sleep and missed church (at 7pm). I had mickey d's at walmart and bought a little cheap bible to keep in my car and then I drove to church around the corner :) I was nearly in the zone for praise and worship tonight, which is a blessing because I had been heavy hearted recently (esp this past sunday when I was regretting the everclear I had the previous evening... yah I know...everyone has their struggles and downfalls). The message was phenomenal. It was mostly a bible study on 3 foundational truths about Jesus Christ (which I will disclose further on in this entry). So basically, the foundational scriptures for the message were the following:

1 Cor 3:10-11
Deut 6:4-9
2 Tim 3:1-7
2 Peter 2:1-3
Matt 24:24
Gal 1:9
2 Tim 3:14-15

The above scriptures mostly stress the importance of knowing God's values and staying in the word of God so that you (as a Christian) will not be swayed into accordance with worldly values that do not reflect God's heart.

3 Foundational Truths about Jesus Christ (normally combatted by today's society) [I've included the supporting verses under each truth]
(1) Jesus is God.-John 1:14
-Phil 2:5-7
-John 14:6-7
-John 8:31-59
-Col 1:15-17
-Col 2:9
-Heb 1:8

(2) Jesus is the only way!(to the Father, God)
-John 14:6
-John 10:9
-John 3:35-36

(3) Jesus is coming back again.-Matt 24:29-44
-Acts 1:10-11
-1 Thess 5:2
-Rev 3:11
-Rev 22:11
-Rev 22:20

The message presenter also urged:

Don't forget about what's really important
-Advancement of God's Kingdom
-Jesus's Name made known

Isaiah 58 is a good place to look too.

Posted on 8.23.2006 at 11:34 PM

grad school. changes

So... I started grad school yesterday. I found my classrooms with no trouble, and managed to walk around Ga State looking like I had actually gone there before.... except for the fact that I wasn't wearing stilettos and make up. Stuff like that wouldn't hurt my appearance, but I'd appreciate a guy more who thought I was attractive without all of the extra... plus I'm not up at Ga State trying to catch a dude (not that there's anything wrong with Ga State guys). I have a spiritual agenda that doesn't include trying to lure a man. If said man happens to come along while Jesus and I are bonding, then so be it. Though if I were into the business of allurement I know who I'd target, but I'm quite certain that I won't find him in my classes at State. Plus adding to my physical self wouldn't make me more alluring (if I am at all) to him, but my heart for God and love of others would.

The changes

I'm very pleased with the changes going on in my life now, my decisions to stay away from certain situations and cut ties with people I'd gotten mixed in with during the past year (namely a guy or two). One particular break was especially difficult for me even though the situation was the worst, but with God's strength I was able to say goodbye. I thought ahead about it though, and anticipated that the person would contact me within a few weeks (even though we had discussed that our affiliation was over and that we were to remove each other from our phones). Lo and behold he texted me today. It was a test, and I almost failed it because I thought about replying but when I reminded myself that it was in my best spiritual interest to not reply, I simply deleted the text. Re-admitting him into my life would screw up what I'm trying to do, and with where I'm trying to go I can't have dead weight. I don't know if anyone anyone anyone around me can see the change within me, but I'm seriously trying to do big spiritual things here and if I see that something or someone is a roadblock, I have to let that thing or that person go. Life is too crucial for that. God's plans for my life are too great for me to knowingly and willfully allow things to get in the way of that. Why should I delay in letting Him transform me into who I'm meant to be? I didn't see it before now because I was having "fun" but after all of the awful things I've been through emotionally and spiritually these past 14 months having lost my best friend and doing things on my own it has become clear to me, and I'm ready to walk in the Light and follow my Savior, because without Him I've realized that my life is crap.
Posted on 8.22.2006 at 6:37 PM

frown

Everything has to change... now.

I'm finally getting my apartment in order (I just bought another chest of drawers from IKEA to accomodate for the REST of my clothes that won't fit anywhere else), so everything should be pulled together quite nicely and neatly by the time I get my living room set. If only my life were in a similar situation.

Like I said, "Everything has to change" and it will, beginning with where I spend my free time. There has been too much of a spiritual conflict between me and clubs, so I won't go. For now I'll say that's my final answer unless I find myself presented with a situation in which God would grant me peace about going. At the moment, I'm inwardly ok with chilling at lounges and conversing over one or two drinks... and also going to Apache Cafe for mic club, though the subject of that particular event is quite harsh. I don't feel 'out of place' there, guys don't grab at me there... so it's still ok for now. I like the craft of freestyling (so that's why I go), but I do wish that they would find better things to say to each other when they're competing. I have to change the music I'm listening to. This will probably be, by far, the hardest change for me to make. I could start by resetting all of the radio station presets in my car. I can also get the bible on cassette for probably REAL cheap right about now (I don't have a CD player in my car). Hm, that's what I'll do... bible on cassette. That's an excellent start. I can get rid of the music that I have that I know I probably shouldn't listen to... kinda like I did before, but for real.

more later
Posted on 8.16.2006 at 3:19 PM

Sistren Adulthood

There are too many known unknowns and unknown unknowns between my most immediate younger sister and I. A lot of time I wonder how she views our family situation, our having different moms and only seeing her once a year for the past 13 of them. I have a lot of questions for her, and I think she might have some for me... so maybe it's time to clear the air.

I'm still kickin

me (10:48:37 PM): yah, my homegirls did a verbal driveby on this drunk white guy
me(10:48:39 PM): last night
friend (10:49:59 PM): y
friend (10:50:08 PM): or wat did they say i guess
me (10:50:18 PM): they called him a f'ing cunt repeatedly
me (10:50:35 PM): because thats what he said to one of our friends in the restaurant/bar as we were leaving it
friend (10:51:02 PM): i coulda told them it was dumb to walk thru a thick crowd of drunk white people (mostly guys) anyway
me (10:51:14 PM): but i'm never in charge when we go out
me (10:51:15 PM): lol
friend (10:52:40 PM): shoulda whooped his ass
friend (10:52:43 PM): but thats just me
me (10:53:16 PM): well, i dont like to feel like my friends are adding to my endangerment while i'm out
me (10:53:33 PM): i'm 5'3 i'm not beating a grown man's ass
friend (10:53:54 PM): not that im telling u to fight
friend (10:54:09 PM): but there are plenty of ppl ur height that wont ever get messed with
me(10:54:33 PM): yah
me (10:55:02 PM): i jus didnt like how they handled it i guess, and i couldn't vibe with the satisfaction they felt at yelling at him out of the window
me (10:56:10 PM): but i'm not a vengeful person
me (10:56:17 PM): other things are more important to me
me (10:56:55 PM): i guess i feel like my friends can be reckless sometimes and i dont want to be dragged into a bad situation
friend (10:57:00 PM): ur def a stronger person than me
friend (10:57:07 PM): ya i def get u
me (10:57:40 PM): last night wasn't helped by the preceding night's behavior
me (10:57:45 PM): i guess that's why i'm on this kick
friend (10:59:38 PM): sounds like a great passes couple days
me (10:59:55 PM): my homegirl was cursing out of the window at other drivers in the parking lot at vegas nights
me (11:00:00 PM): i thought we were going to get shot
me (11:00:09 PM): she was the ONLY person in the wrong
me (11:01:06 PM): she CANT freaking drive
me (11:01:19 PM): but she wanted to yell and be mean psycho biyatch to others
me (11:01:25 PM): and we weren't at some upscale clube
me (11:01:30 PM): vegas nights is white tees
me (11:01:35 PM): i'm so done
me (11:01:36 PM): lol
friend (11:02:10 PM): dang
friend (11:02:15 PM): u gotta get ur ppls in check
me (11:02:26 PM): she will not drive me ever again
me (11:02:31 PM): if i can help it
friend (11:04:08 PM): prolly a good idea
me (11:05:06 PM): i really gotta stop straddling the fence spiritually abt my nightlife
friend (11:05:48 PM): whachu mean
me (11:06:44 PM): im jus havin a conflict between my going out and dancing up on guys to music that i know Jesus wouldn't be doin the pool palace too
me (11:07:05 PM): and knowing what i should be doing instead
me (11:07:06 PM): iono
me (11:07:24 PM): and the club is just a way for me to escape spiritual reality
me (11:07:39 PM): but do i really want to be grindin on some nameless dude when Jesus returns
me (11:08:43 PM): there are things that i have been doing over the past year that i dont have peace abt
me (11:08:59 PM): because i know that i'm choosing to go opposite of what i've been shown to be right
me (11:09:18 PM): i dont condemn others for doing the stuff but i feel like i dont have an excuse
friend (11:09:55 PM): i mean i feel where ur coming from
friend (11:10:11 PM): and u seem like u feel strong about it
friend (11:10:20 PM): but i mean is it so bad though?
me (11:10:29 PM): yah...
friend(11:10:32 PM): ur dancing
friend (11:10:40 PM): but ur not hooking up with all these ppl
me (11:10:40 PM): i can dance by myself
me (11:10:52 PM): and i usually do so that's not the issue really
friend (11:10:58 PM): u could also sit at home all day
me (11:11:01 PM): not the issue alone
me (11:11:15 PM): or i could go do something personally edifying
me (11:11:36 PM): the times where i've felt like im in the 'zone' and just straight peaceful about it
me (11:12:10 PM): have been when i've been out with other folk who are seeking God and doing stuff that my heart isn't mixed abt
friend (11:12:55 PM): naw i def see wat ur saying
friend (11:13:12 PM): and im def not putting down wat ur saying
me (11:13:13 PM): with the club thing its the music (lyric-wise), the physical presentation (skimpy clothes), mindset (ok with objectification... for females anyway), instant gratification
me (11:13:22 PM): o naw, i didnt thnk u were
me (11:13:29 PM): talking to u is actually me thinking thru it more
me (11:13:37 PM): cuz its been naggin me for sooo long
friend (11:13:49 PM): ya i mean i guess the way i see things now
friend (11:13:56 PM): is that if i died right now
friend (11:14:05 PM): and i go talk to god about my life
friend (11:14:18 PM): would i be ashamed of dancing with a girl out somewhere
friend (11:14:29 PM): i mean thats how i try to think of most things
me (11:14:43 PM): that's a good way to think abt it
friend (11:14:48 PM): is this something i'd be afraid to admit even though he knows
friend (11:14:57 PM): or could i say it and be coolwith it
friend (11:15:02 PM): ya i thought so
friend (11:15:09 PM): it helps me make better decisions i think
me (11:15:30 PM): yah, helps u know whether or not ur convicted abt something
friend(11:16:08 PM): and regret
friend (11:16:09 PM): i regret most of the stuff i do
friend (11:16:11 PM): which is one of the many reasons i have insomnia
friend (11:16:25 PM): but some stuff i do its just because im human and i make mistakes
. . .
me (11:17:06 PM): prob with me is that when i'm in these places i have this movie moment where i'm having a personal quiet time in the midst of all the madness
. . .
me (11:18:00 PM): in my personal quiet time its like a hear a voice saying, crystal, really.... look around
me (11:18:11 PM): is this the culture u want to endorse
me (11:18:49 PM): and i start feeling sorry for people who aren't able to step outside of the situation and see it more clearly
me (11:18:55 PM): like, see past it
me (11:19:13 PM): i know that for many people clubbing and dancing is church
friend (11:19:14 PM): or maybe there are ppl who could be xactly like u
friend (11:19:21 PM): ya tru
me (11:19:25 PM): very tru also
me (11:19:40 PM): i'm sure there are people in there fighting inwardly like me
me (11:19:55 PM): u kno how sometimes u feel like ur holding out on God
me (11:19:57 PM): ?
friend (11:20:07 PM): def
me (11:20:36 PM): i feel like God has looked over my life, pointed to nightlife and said, 'let me have that'
me (11:20:56 PM): and like a fussy 2 yr old i've shaken my head and whined/fussed 'no'
me (11:20:59 PM): just stubborn
me (11:21:06 PM): like what God has to offer isnt better
me (11:21:25 PM): perhaps i can't progress from my current situation if i won't hand this thing that i love over to him
me (11:22:15 PM): (current situation: still heartbroken)
friend (11:22:43 PM): those wonderful life dilemas
me(11:23:17 PM): i'm getting off of the fence
me (11:23:32 PM): i have to put clubbing behind me
me (11:23:41 PM): cuz i can't live like this anymore
friend (11:27:00 PM): u sure
me (11:28:31 PM): yah i'm sure
me (11:28:47 PM): since i keep feeling like that's what i should not being doing right now
friend (11:29:51 PM): ya i getcha

love this poem by Maya Angelou

(featured in Madea's Family Reunion)


The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Vegas crap (thanks Kelvin)/I Know/Where da cash at?/Phil 4:19

Vegas Crap

So... I went to Vegas Nights last night. I guess you could say I went because I was bored and it was free (cuz I'm broke). I've decided that from now on I will only be geeked up or slizzard off of Jesus, so for all intents and purposes I was sober this go around, which isn't really a good thing for me at Vegas Nights personality-wise. When we got there we walked to the bathroom at the back and my butt was grabbed at least twice along with my waist and the waistline of my pants, my arm, hand. I expected this, but everyone was more agressive than usual, which was crazy because I was dressed QUITE conservatively, jeans shirt, no midriff, cleavage, toes were covered lol. Why did I subject myself to all of this knowingly?? I guess I went to be around my girls, and I was quite excited when my nostalgic homie decided to come with. I was DEF. glad he was there with us, because it made the other guys more bearable and repelled a few I'm sure. Even so as SOON as we got there in the midst of the dance floor thickness (an abundance of UG-ly thuglike guys) I found myself texting my brother about to whine to him about coming to pick me up and take me home. I decided to be a big girl and stay though, and homie took good care of me. I did dance toward the end of the night... alone though. I turned about 7 guys down. I've decided that I no longer dance with people I don't know in clubs, which means that I'm only dancing with friends and acquaintances... sounds weird, but I'm 'ticky' like that. It worked like a charm at Sutra last Thursday.... not so well at Vision last Thursday, but I wasn't even dancing then. I gave this guy who had been nice to me my card... with my name, blog address and email (nope, not my phone number). I doubt he'll contact me, but either way it doesn't matter.

I Know

I have to say this, it's not a good habit to cut people off with saying "I know" all the time, especially when it's highly possible that the person speaking to you might actually know a little more about something than you do. It's good to humble yourself and hear what they have to say. People can surprise you with how much insight they actually have. Also, there is something to be said for general consideration and decorum, particularly toward people you know nothing about (who can be potentially dangerous), especially when you're not alone. People are crazy, don't piss someone off unecessarily by joining the ranks.Try to consider the well-being of the people with you, if not yourself. If you say something that starts a fight, I'm going to be like Joan (from Girlfriends) and not jump in it. I refuse to fall victim to a "nigga moment"(preciate cha Aaron McGruder) that doesn't even belong to me.

Proverbs pertaining to listening to advice [I'm not including the text to these, but you can look them up easily on biblegateway.com ..... I did spell out the last one because I think it is most poignant, though all are quite relative and provide insight]
10:17
12:1
12:15
13:3
15:18
15:32
16:18
18:1
19:20 (Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. ")

Where da cash at? (behind that preposition)

So I get back from Vegas Nights and I check my account last night. I was supposed to get paid the remainder of my salary for teaching English last month AND my balance had not changed! Naturally I was/am quite salty, but I expected things to not work out with my check today. Sadly, it has been my experience that black organizations tend to not be as reliable with providing the appropriate amount of pay on time. This particular organization has been okay in the past three years that I've worked for them, however, far from splended or timely on many an occasion. This morning at 4 I emailed three of the main people at the organization that have a say in how much I am to get paid and when, because I didn't know who to talk to about not receiving my much-needed money. I was sooooo upset.... but then I gained perspective.

Phil 4:19 (And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.')

So there I was pissed about my sad account balance and feeling like the organization had broken its promise to pay me. I took a shower, still pissed... and then I was like, 'Lord if I hadn't put that tithe and offering in the basket on Sunday I'd be able to take myself to ColdStone and get that waffle cone I've been looking forward to all week.' I was mostly jesting, because I know God has a sense of humor but then I started thinking that maybe God was trying me out to see if I would flip over this money situation. Then it occured to me that maybe I should be praying about all of this, in lieu of storming to campus and demanding my money. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would precede my own steps in dealing with this matter and that I would have the right attitude. I understood/understand the the issue was/is not whether or not I will have enough money to survive off of until I am paid, but whetherI trust God to continue His divine provision in my life. He has made it clear to me that He does not intend for me to starve or go without what I need, so I figured that I should trust Him (now only if I were that mature regarding love and relationships). So yeah, I attacked the situation calmly and prayerfully and I should be receiving the money by Tueday, I pray. There is nothing like money, or lack thereof, to have a Christian lose his/her anointing though. Last night after I prayed I flipped through my study bible to see specifically what Jesus had to say about money and "needs" and I was lead to Psalm, specifically Psalm 23:1 where it says, "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. " Or in other words, "The LORD is my shepherd, I have EVERYTHING I need." That says to me that my blessings will be abundant... once again if I could translate this faith to my relationships or how I view that whole significant other situation, but it is what it is.

Wow, writing this took me over two hours because I was flipping (electronically) through Proverbs so I'm going to end it now... plus I'm quite hungry and have a headache because of it. I think I'll go sit beside the pool and read more.






Posted on 8.11.2006 at 4:13 PM

Feeling good Feeling great

I feel good today, broke as I am... can't even afford ice cream. However, I don't feel like writing another blog entry today, so you'll have to refer to http://satelliteselah.easyjournal.com for the goodness.

[no title]

I don't know how I can do all of the things I want to do and fit where I want to fit when you're still an issue that ails me from time to time.

So Sick

You could say today's been a good day. I rolled out of bed around 1:30pm or so, showered and came down to the computer. Oh yeah, I grabbed myself a brownie out of the fridge for brunch, lol. The brownies I made last night have chocolate chips and walnuts in them... kinda yummy, but I only made them because I knew there would be a few folk over to eat them. I'm not trying to be fat, and I know they have a ridiculous amount of calories per brownie. Enough talk of brownies...

I've been feeling blah today. I haven't had a reason to go ANYWHERE, not campus, not the store, not down the street... nowhere. That's weird because I always have somewhere to go, but there's no point in wasting gas or just wasting money otherwise for absolutely nothing. I don't have anyone to visit. I'm sick of reading and watching the stupid TV like that's supposed to be something special. I really can't wait for classes to start so that something substantial will fill my time a bit. My sis is coming next week and that will be cool, but I can't bear the idea of no interaction with other humans. These lame rent office people certainly aren't the folk I want to interact with. They are fake as hell to say the least and I hate being here. I'm only here to use the computer, but I think that I may start going to the library so I can get up outta here until I get my laptop.

Oh yeah, this is really nice to know... Me and my homegirl were in my room last night (she was braiding my hair) and this ridiculously large waterbug or whatever it was ran across my wall and we both jumped up and let out bloodcurdling screams quite a few times and it wasn't even that late and no one came to see if we were ok, so now I don't feel safe at all in this dang place. I mean, God forbid I get stabbed to death or something while I'm living here and people hear it and don't give a crap. I mean, really? I may as well be living on an island, because Lord knows I feel like I'm on one. I don't have anyone to reach out to or anything, I mean not really. I have folk, but no advocate. I hate being so isolated and so out of touch. Honestly I'm kinda pissed that I wasn't able to go to church last night because of my hair. We had started it Tuesday night and it wasn't in the condition for me to show up at church with it like that. It's sad too, because on Tuesday night I had felt so delivered from Monday night's experience that I was soooooo excited about being able to go to church on Wednesday... for real. I feel like a punk for letting my plans get messed up, but at the same time the fact that my hair is STILL not done and we're moving onto a night 3 means that maybe it was a good decision for me to stay and let her do my hair. I will be missing service on Sunday too because my sister's coming to town and I'm taking her to Augusta to see mommy and them. I'd have to leave AUG at 12 to make the 2pm and I know how my family hates for me to rush to leave town. I'm sure leaving early will be worth it though.

Life is good, I can't deny. There's nothing surfacely wrong, but I seriously have the blues. I guess I contemplate my future too often and I don't see anyone... and I'll admit that I'm fighting the urge to covet what others have. I wish that "I" would lose importance in my life, you know... that I would fade into the background and lose "Me" in something meaningful. This focusing on myself is a slow killer and before I know it will have me and I won't be able to shake loose.

Geeked up

I'm having an abfab day today. I feel great. The sun is high in the sky and birds are chirping their glad hearts out. God really pulled me out of a deep hole. I'm determined to do things differently with my life now.

This, too, shall pass [catharsis]

My mom used to always say that to me when I would cry over some heartache or just plain be upset about a particular circumstance, and now it's her voice I hear in the back of my head. I had to make a HUGE decision tonight for once and for all... more like an hour ago. I had to let go, and letting go of people is quite hard for me to do. This was necessary, something I had to do for me and for my relationship with God. Dude was interfering with both. I've been celibate for well over 3 years, but I almost had sex with him. It's amazing what power the need for affection can have over a person (me) or just the types of behaviors I had allowed myself to submit to and accept in his presence. On one hand I felt secure and all warm and fuzzy, but on the other hand when he and I would talk I usually felt like I was crawling, groveling at his feet on my bare hands and knees vulnerable to any shift in temper or whatever else he might have. I mean, what the hell really? How could I subject myself to such foolery, such meaninglessness, such devalument. There I was attached to this guy for a while, since early March. I can't make total sense of it just yet, but from the BEGINNING I was deleting him from my phone like, This is a bad situation, but he kept calling and I kept answering and before I knew it I was too deep into the situation to try and pry myself loose. I'd pray, Lord help me, but I'd always be weak and find myself crawling back into his arms knowing that I was an object to him, but allowing me to fool myself into thinking that I was maybe just a little bit more because he seemed to be just as attached as I was. With every interaction whatever light I still held onto within dulled more and more until I found myself at that extremely low, out of touch part the other night where I almost yeilded the whole of my body to him. I know it's such a great blessing that God dug me out of that whole, even as I visited the guy tonight God put an anointing on me to give me the strength to do what I had to do, especially as I prayed 911. Of course homeboy's mixture of blatant lack of care and inability to understand helped the process, but still I cried. He had been the only anything, anyone I had held onto in/for months and to realize that he didn't give a crap was really a hit to the chest. How could I have walked toward this mirage for so long? I know what sincerity and Love look like, for the most part. I knew that this was not that, but my desires apparently overruled my ability to perceive reality and I found myself in the same situation I had once chided my homegirls for.

Now I'm sitting here in the student center alone at a ridiculous time of morning wondering how I will ever find the strength to not attempt to contact him again or to not answer in the off chance that he calls me, though clearly he said he'd be deleting my number in the morning, which hurt... but I urged him to delete it then and there... I nearly begged him to. I told him that I had to stop seeing him for my own good. I was getting swept in, caught up and he and I are after different things. He has little or no understanding or appreciation for spiritual matters. He and I had nothing to talk about. He was looking for sex and a nice warm body to be around, while I was looking for intimacy, companionship and security. I don't know how I can be expected to reach out to an intangible Jesus, but I know that reaching out to someone who's not on Jesus's team is painful and ends even more so. Shoot, reaching out to someone who IS on Jesus's team and losing them is also painful. People hurt, so I'm not interested in dealing with people anymore, which is weird because that's all I want to do with my life occupationally. I don't value my life much anymore. I say that because of how I've started driving... I only attempt to hold it together because I know that my family would miss me, especially my sisters, and I would miss them and my dying early is just NOT the answer here, so I've tried to tone it down but I'm always so upset. I hate my life, or lack thereof. What is life without intimacy?

But like mommy tells me, "This, too, shall pass." I will be ok. Earlier this night before I went over to dude's place I set an alarm on my phone calendar to finally call Damian. Interestingly I was listening to a sermon earlier tonight, and even though the pastor dude may not have been saying this, I felt like he was urging (me) to go sit at someone's feet, a spiritual leader's feet. I have never actively given myself over to someone to learn from them like that. Certainly there was SB, but there was a fight there. I wasn't like, "Teach me EVERYTHING you know." I obviously need something like that though. My parents have become insufficient in that way because the relationship we share will never be completely spiritually objective in the way that I need it to be, but I do love them and I appreciate the wisdom they do impart on me.

Right now I'm in the whimpy Christian phase, but I feel like REALLY soon I'm going to get pissed off about all of this and yell "Gimme my stuff back" to the devil. I feel like I'm starting to see this situation for what it is... If nothing else it has been humbling. Also it was a painful reminder that the only way to go is with Jesus and with people who are on his team (at least regarding significant others, but I do realize that I need some close friends that are in the spiritual fast lane... not completely pulled over, sliding backward or that just never even made it out of the garage). Spiritually, I definitely have the "check engine" light on and my friends as they are won't be able to reach me before I break down completely. No one understands.

I know it's ridic late, but on my way home I was thinking sooooooo much that I absolutely had to stop at the computer lab and write down everything I was thinking... hopefully this will be enough for me to get home and lay my head on, so that I can call Damian and employ his wisdom and guidance and just maybe then my healing process from the events, beginning with Wednesday June 29, 2005 and up until this morning, can begin definitively. Earlier this evening I would have told you that there was no hope for me, but I'm in a different place now. This is a new day for me, a new me.

Crippled

I am highly upset about my phone not working in my apt area over the past two days... now I'm really on an island. I don't trust now. I don't trust anyone to listen to how I feel and respond appropriately. Also, I'm no longer interested in opening up to someone just so I can be hurt all over again. I'm still licking my wounds. All I do is pout now. I didn't even attempt the charade yesterday at church. God knows what's up. At the same time I don't want to open up and drag someone else into how crappy I feel. I mean I know that's like saying that people are weak, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I mean that if someone is feeling great why should they have to worry about how I feel? Maybe that's why I don't speak up. It's not that it ever bothers me when people bring their problems to me, so why am I tripping? Also, I don't like the staff at my apt complex. I would like to move, although I'm sure most other people are equally as fake. It is nice to know, however, that this is not my imagination.

I'll tell you how I feel when I figure it out

So I've been in a little bit of an emotional slump for quite a while now. I realize that I can't put a finger on it, so now when people ask me what's wrong I don't know what to tell them really. Plus, I actually hate whining. I can't stand the fact that I'm sitting here thinking that my life is wrong when there are so many other people who are having so much harder times than me, like what the heck? So maybe that's why I can't speak up. Maybe it's that I'm just too prideful to admit that my life sucks, and I don't know what specifically is wrong with me.

There are so many people available to me whose garments I could tug to get their attention so that I can spill my life guts, but I'm just frozen in place. Perhaps I'm waiting for some miracle to pull me out of this slump that I'm in and get me onto a newer, brighter track filled with intimacy. That's what it is! Intimacy, I haven't tapped into any of that in a long time. I don't know how to open up to anyone anymore. It used to be that I had writer's block, but I could share what I was thinking/feeling. Now I can write my life away but if I have to audibly relate issues I can't. I'm ashamed of myself, who I've become. Who am I?! Who is this chick who is just clawing at a chance for companionship, a chance to not be alone for at least a while. I buy things to make myself feel better. I take showers to pass the time...alone. It's quite pathetic I must say, but the lonliness is quite sickening. I'm sorry but reading a cold, physically lifeless book like the Bible doesn't seem like a promising avenue to not feeling lonely. My faith is seriously waning in that respect, but from time to time I do reach out to you, Jesus, in prayer and by reading the Living Word that You are. Ok, I have to admit that I feel better when I do that actually, but show me show me show me Lord who it is that I should open up to. I know that I can't be intimate like that with more than 2 or 3 people at one time, so who should it be? I'm losing sight of You, definitely losing sight of myself and who I once thought I was, and I can't even see myself now... certainly not as you see me.

I confess, Lord, that I've begun to habitually choose anything and everything, music, club, interpersonal interactions, food, television, over You. In order to step out of this I need You to pull me through. Lead me to that person, those people, who are going to be loving, but put it to me straight in a 'no nonsense' kind of way. My close friends can't keep it spiritually real with me, because they know little of spiritual things. I can't be a beacon around them because my light is buried in a cave. The cave of my selfishness, my lonliness and my shame/pride, my unwillingness to change, but the knowing that I need to... and ASAP. I'm scrugglin spiritually for real. Inwardly I'm just falling apart. I just don't feel right, and I know I'm out of place. Most of what I do conflicts with what I know to be true. I've been feeling like this for a long time, it's not really one thing, more like a mixture of things. Like I've just been letting up on everything, and I'm really mad at the road I've begun to travel sexually. If I don't stop, like NOW, I'ma end up sleepin with someone, and that hasn't happened since freshman year of college because by the grace of God I've been sticking to my guns... but now I feel like I'm on train that is going to crash and carry me along with it and I can't even scream loud enough to stop it. I'm losing my value...

I have to let go of this world, if I am going to latch onto You in a meaningful way. I have to not only 'appear' different, but I must actually BE different. There is a war going on within me and no one is winning. I'm certainly losing. I think I've actually all but given up, my recent experiences show that. I bought this bag today that I've been looking at for a while. It's by NOTW (not of this world): An identity set apart, Purpose: To Save and Empower lives, Message: Not of this world. Jesus. Col 2:8

If only one day I could live up to that.

Scotty's callin me...

So... I made it to Vision before it closed. It would have been fun had my girls been there. It was nice that I got in for free though.

Things have been a little crucial relationally for me lately, and I know I've lost perspective on what I desire in a mate. As a matter of fact I had to pull out my "Desired Husband Qualities" list this afternoon. I started it on 8.28.05. It has 22 items/criteria on it, and they are mostly related to things of a spiritual nature. I did not reduce the list to the trivial, plus I figure if God is sending someone to me I know he knows what I need in addition to what I've listed and he understands what I find to be aesthetically appealing. 1 or 2 of the criteria could be waived in an extreme situation tho, so they probably are a bit superficial. Overall I think I did well. Now for where I went wrong:

In dealing with guys for the past year I forgot to pull out my list as a reference and see if they were measuring up, which probably sounds quite anal and scripted, but I would have gotten in a lot less trouble had I done that. Maybe I'd even be less jaded with the whole thing. I wasn't going to share the entire list with you, but I figured I'd share the most important just so you can get an idea of where my head is.

desired husband qualities (excerpted and in no particular order)
(1)Acceptance of Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior
(2)Loves God with all of his heart
(3)Desires to follow the Lord
(4)Close personal relationship with Jesus
(5)Understanding of a Godly household
(6)Knows what it means to be man of God
(7)Prayerful
(8)Guided by the Holy Spirit

That's where my heart is with finding a mate...or being found by him. Unfortunately that part of the list has not meshed well with anyone I've talked to recently. That's why it's like hitting my head up against a wall repeatedly, so stupid, so unecessary, so out of the way.

I'm weary.

Posted on 8.5.2006 at 4:19 PM

Damaged, not anymore

If being single and not being over your ex is like being damaged goods... consider me like new because I've been fixed. That's not to say I feel any hatred or dislike, but sometimes you just know what it is and what it isn't.
Posted on 8.4.2006 at 4:39 PM

Damaged, not anymore

If being single and not being over your ex is like being damaged goods... consider me like new because I've been fixed. That's not to say I feel any hatred or dislike, but sometimes you just know what it is and what it isn't. Plus I'm sick and tired of being injured. Relationally I've been hopping around on my weak, broken 'I-still-love-him' foot for a year and some change now. That's certainly been hindering forward movement for me, and I've been wondering if it's even been worth it. Opportunity has passed me by because of my self-imposed ailment, and I don't like that. So, now that I've said what I had to say to you regarding everything I'm closing that chapter. Maybe some day 'friends' will be a realistic possibility.

Makeda

Makeda is the Ethiopian name for the Queen of Sheba... it's also the name of one of my favorite songs, by Les Nubians. What does this have to do with anything?! Well, I'm going natural with my hair. I'm tired of striving for a grade of hair that God clearly did not intend for me to have. So why should I expensively modify the hair God has given me once of month? I understand that my natural hair is nappy as hell... but I think it's worth a try since I feel so deeply about it. I've been on this tip for months now and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that this hair relaxer situation is undermining the design that God has for my hair. However, if it doesn't work out my hair does grow quite fast and relaxers will probably always be around. I just thought that now would be a good time for me to try and work with what God gave me. How dare society standards tell me that straight, european-like hair is best for me... or looks the best on me or on anyone else for that matter. Who defined "good" hair? My hair is just fine.

Don't get me wrong though... I'm not on an "I am not my hair" kick. I think India Arie is quite crazy for shaving almost all of her hair off and then having the nerve to draw a curl on her forehead. I thought her hair was cute all the other ways she's had it fixed since she's been in the public eye. I guess she begged to differ, but she could use a little more hair I think, be it nappy or straight... so don't worry, I'm not chopping my hair off just yet. I just feel like I'm betraying a part of myself by chemically modifying it every month and not attempting to let it be. I strongly doubt that I will go for locks though. I like combing through my hair and such.

Ok, I'll stop writing about this now. I'm sure you're like "Enough already." I'm watching Jerry Maguire. I love this movie, but I do need to stop watching love stories and such, so that I can patiently wait for God to write my own instead of living in a constant state of discontentment and lonliness. Oops I've said too much about how I feel.

Gnight.

Challenged...

Yay so guess what, thanks to the big hearts and help of VL and JO I am finally done grading. I'm not completely happy though because I was a b*tch to one of my students for like no reason. If you're reading this, once again, I'm sorry. I tried to right my wrong, and hopefully it will go through by the appropriate time tomorrow. I'm excited about the banquet tomorrow though, and a little scared because I have to walk up and speak in front of my students, their families and my supervisors. Anyone who knows me know that I don't 'do' microphones and large groups. Before this summer with Challenge actually, I didn't even 'do' the whole teaching thing, my biggest fear actually. When I begged to get the position back though (they had tried looking for someone else) I knew that if I got it my shyness would have to be left behind. I think I have been quite transparent and approachable to my students though. I think they've observed me being myself for the most part, maybe a more conservative, semi-professional me... but me none the less. Today one of my supervisors asked me what I thought about one of my students and I was like they're really cool and then he told me that she had said I was her favorite teacher. I just thought that was so sweet, honestly I teared up just a little. Helping others and trying to impact their lives positively in some way is something dear to my heart, so even if she didn't really learn anything if I helped to make her Challenge experience a little more pleasant than I feel great about it. Also, I read one of my students papers today... actually I saved it as the last paper I would grade because I wanted to make sure I read it as carefully as possible and I was just so proud of how she wrote and how much she had improved with one of the things we had worked on. I don't know why God has given me such a heavy heart for people in terms of interpersonal relationships and the baackdrop of education, but feeling like you've found your niche or just a snippet of your passion is just sooooo awesome.
Posted on 7.27.2006 at 11:55 PM

Single living's moment of zen...

Yeah so I thought I didn't like not having roomates. I do hate coming home to an empty apartment almost as much as I hated cleaning up after other people and overexposure to significant others. Sometimes I wish I at least had an animal, but I honestly think I would learn to dislike that situation too. I knew that living alone would grow on me though. Last night as I was getting increasingly tired of grading papers and listening to music one of the songs from my Salsa CD came on, so I was like... "I think I'll dance." So, I'm up in my apartment at 1am or so Salsa dancing away, improvising up a storm. At this point I was still wearing my outfit from earlier, but a half an hour later I decided I was hot so I ended up in my underwear (yeah, I know... too much info). Obviously if I had roomates I couldn't do that, or if I did I'd end up with some blackmail pictures lying around that I would need to take care of.

On the flip...

I haven't heard anything back yet, but on the spiritual level God seems to be yelling, "Wait my daughter, I gotchu! For real..."... So I will just listen to that, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't salty. Some things won't resolve themselves until things stop being so unilateral. I feel like this has become a roadblock in my endeavor to planting myself in a circle of godly friends, but I'm probably just my own roadblock.... whatever.

Posted on 7.26.2006 at 6:38 PM

Writer's cramps

I have stuff to write about, but I can't or don't want to write about it. It's weird...?? It's just not what I'm interested in. I will tell you this though...

I went to church today and the message was on managing your emotions. I guess I needed to hear it. I'm usually quite in touch with what I feel but I tend to be ruled by emotions at times which makes me unpredictable in a bad way... so I was definitely in tune to that part of the message. At the end Mrs. Keitt asked anyone who felt like they were just straight up emotionally spent to stand so she could pray for them. For a second I was like, "That's me" but after thinking about it I was like, naw you're trippin because you're ok. That would have been me a few months ago but God is really doing a lot over here. I have my sad moments, but I'm fully aware of Gods in-controlness. It's just that at this particular moment I'm having difficulty being patient in watchin his plan for my life unfold because, let's face it, most of us have our own plans for how our lives should go so when God starts freestyling (from our point of view) it's like huh? and then it gets really frustrating because stuff you're wanting to happen doesn't happen or it takes a while longer to happen and it's happening all around you. At the same time you keep trying to remind yourself that God has your best interest at heart and he's not going to let you down. Actually what He has planned for your life is so much greater than you could fathom... but it's hard to prevent your humanity from getting in the way of your having peace about what's going on in your life when you think that more should be happening than what actually is. To let God have it all is actually radical thought, because doesn't society kinda teach us that we have to pretty much be control freaks and have our own backs at all times? So here many of us are strugglin, trying to keep up with the hustle and bustle and the making ends meet of every day life instead of focusing on what's real, what's eternal, what's meaningful... Jesus. I'm working on shifting my focus and prioritizing accurately, but its a process... well I'm going to grade papers or something now. I'm glad I don't have to teach at 8am tomorrow tho, YES! I'm sooo sleeping in until 11am when I tutor, but ok... ciao.
Posted on 7.24.2006 at 12:40 AM

focused man

There have been no blatant miracles so far today, but I did scare the mess out of EMB today while driving earlier tho, sorry E! I don't take serious risks with people's chirren in the car though so she didn't have to worry. I let VJL down earlier today and I feel bad. I was supposed to be at my apt for her to set up some stuff for later and I got there too late. She'll forgive me tho, but I still feel a lil bad. I'm still anticipating the outcome of what I did earlier this week. I'm pretty settled regarding that, not wishy washy at all. It's just unfortunate that it has taken the BS of 365+ days to get to where I am and to see what I see and what I understand. Life is a journey though, and I've been learning soooo much. I'd rather be on this side of things than the previous side I was on.
Posted on 7.22.2006 at 10:20 PM

"Fed" disclaimer

By calling my apartment a "cubby" I was describing it in spatial terms to the other apartments. I'm not trying to say that it's really small or that I'm not thankful for it. I've been blessed to be in such a nice place... but I'm starting to realize that I would like to own something that stands alone.
Posted on 7.22.2006 at 1:39 PM

Fed

I went to the grocery store today on $5 right... spent $4.26 actually... good for me.

But... I just got a call offering me a sweeeeeet graduate assistant position. YES! God is really laying out the professional red carpet for me. It's just in my more personal life where He seems to be turning his back on me, though I know that's not the situation...but still. Anyways, getting this assistantship is like soooooo prayer answered in a major way on so many different levels, for real. I'm going to be madd frugal though because I want a house. I would like to own something that is not a cubby hole surrounded by other cubbies. I don't have to have a pool or tennis court right now like I do at my apt. I'm already wanting to not live in such close quarters worrying about disturbing the neighbors if I have loud guests. Actually by the time this lease is up I want to leave this place. If things line up appropriately professionally and financially that might be a somewhat realistic goal, but I have to live lightly and become super saver... starting with my teacher pay for Challenge. I have all kinds of ideas as to how to make and save money most effectively, but I know it would be wise to check out this book by Dr. Celvia Stovall (or Dr. Celvia S. Dixon) called Financial Facts for Females and talk to some people at church as well. :)

Happy Friday
Posted on 7.21.2006 at 2:25 PM

A poem goes here

... but it hasn't happened yet.

All Things Good, Ecclesiastes

Last night I fell asleep reading my bible... I always have the best sleep that way...

Anyways, a lot is going on right now. Firstly, I barely have anything to eat and no money. That's frustrating, because anyone who knows anything about me knows that not only do I like to eat, but I tend to be quite picky... Ramen is not going to cut it. Secondly, I made a big move yesterday in my personal (yes, too personal for the blog) life. That's all I will say about that particular situation, but it is what it is. I'll accept what happens or doesn't happen or whatever.

So today, I learned that good things happen to good people. I know that people say bad things happen to good people and stuff, but God flipped it on me: "In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Here's what actually happened:

I'm sitting in the business center at my complex waiting for VJL to get here (she needed to use my apt for something) and she calls like, "I'm here... wait what's your car look like? I think they're towing your car...yeah, that's your car?!" Naturally I'm like wtf, nawwwww, couldn't be not at the place that I spend nearly a grand in rent every month. I ran outside and they were. Long story short I had misunderstood (not been told) about some parking nuances concerning the complex and they were towing my freaking car and it was $75 to get my car off the back of the tow truck. I have significantly less than that to my name right now.

I look at the situation though... why is this bad thing happening to me?? I look at it again. VJL got here and saw my car being towed, she paid the tow truck driver for me and she wouldn't have even been here had I not said, sure you can use my place. Honestly, I didn't feel like letting her use it at first, but I was like, hey you know what, she's your homegirl it's her passion. I just yeilded my apartment not looking for anything in return, just out of love... but had I not done that I would be so out of luck right now. I probably wouldn't even know my car was gone and I definitely wouldn't have the means to get to the towing place and it would have been a lot more expensive. So don't tell me that God is not looking out for his people. He is watching, He is listening, He is caring and I know that He has my best interest at heart and I'm so blessed, even in the crappiest of times (which feels like now for me, no food, no companion) but I'm good. He's got me.

I fell asleep reading the bible last night, but you know what... I was reading it. I just learned a lot last night and today about adult life. It really freaking sucks on the hustle and bustle side of things... all of this paper chasing and such and whenever you think you're ahead someone screws you over. In Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how meaningless all of it really is on that non-personal level:

A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? 26 To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. ~Ecclesiastes 2:24-26
Posted on 7.20.2006 at 6:38 PM