I dragged myself to church last night. I had missed out on a few weeks and I kept telling myself yesterday that I HAD to get there last night... even if that meant getting to church 2hrs early (which I did and walked to Walmart to get food and such). Let me tell you, it wasn't easy because on Wednesdays it always seems like this cloud of depression comes over me and all I want to do is go home and lie across the bed in front of the tv so that's why I said I dragged myself. I usually succumb to my urge to go directly home, but I'm so glad that God enabled me to overcome myself this time...
You see as hard as it seems for me to get to church (feelin so heavy) the times I make it there (esp. Wed nights) I expect God to speak to me in a BIG way. I've definitely felt like that the most recent few times I've been. I guess you could say when I got there last night I still had expectations, but I was so so so discouraged. I felt defeated. I guess I wasn't the only one though, because the worship leader cued in on it and was saying that so many of us in the crowd looked so downtrodden and heavy and he gave us a pep talk of sorts. It took me a minute, but I began to warm up and realize why I was there (to praise God) and whose I am (God's). I wasn't fully aware of it then, but by moving me to submit my heart to Him in praise and worship, God had me right where He needed me to be to hear what He was going to say later... or maybe what he's been screaming all alone.
Pastor got up there and said "For as a man thinketh in his heart so is he... Proverbs 23:7"... It hit me. All along I had seen that verse in terms of the outcome being evidence of the heart, like if you are really mean you're mean in your heart. When Pastor said it this time though, I began to understand it better. There's Hope in that verse, opportunity to change. I saw that God has been changing me, working through my life, but my thoughts haven't changed much and until my thoughts toward myself and Jesus and my relationship with Him change, the big things He's doing can't really take root. Pastor said, "There are many of you who already have victory, you just have to change your thinking. You have to choose victory. Victory belongs to you." Now I had always heard the whole "victory" thing and was like yeah yeah yeah. I never felt that until last night. I have victory in my life. I can see some of that now (I won't say that I see it all because that would be misleading). My thinking will change in the areas of my past failures, fears and hurts and my vision of my self in Christ will change and I can be free if I recognize and acknowledge that I've already won (Revelations). No one is telling me that life will be easy (I've figured that out now) but I will choose Christ's perspective not my own.
Pastor said point blank, "The way you think about life will determine your destiny."
I know that most of you don't know me at all, and those of you who think you know me really don't know much about me at all because I'm usually in the listener's chair (which is ok). Even so I want you to understand why this message was such a break through for me. I have been having the most AWFUL self-defeating thoughts for the longest time, like for forever... they got better in my last relationship, but when that ended I think they got worse. I've been so defeated in how I think about myself in relationship to Jesus (I'm horrible, I suck, I'll NEVER be close to Him at all), how I think about my physical appearance (I'm not pretty or beautiful or anything, people are just being nice when they say that), how I view myself as a woman/adult (I'll never grow up or be sophisticated like the other females my age, I look young so people don't respect me as an adult anyway... that's why the lady right before last night's service overlooked me when she was inviting all the women to the Women's ministry event on Friday night), and more devestatingly in how I view my future ( I hate school, I'll never make it through this graduate school program, I'll never get married, never have children, Who'd want to marry me anyway?!).
It wasn't until my spirit heard what God was speaking to me last night that the pandemonium in my head slowed to a halt and I realized for real that God knows exactly what my purpose is in Him and that "my best and brightest days" truly ARE ahead of me and the sooner I start believing that, the better. I have to view myself as God sees me, not as the devil wants me to see myself. If I keep looking at myself asI think others see me or who I would be WITHOUT God, I'll always defeat myself and never get anywhere.
I'm so thankful that God saw fit to free me from what I was going through internally. I know that I have to work at maintaining healthful thoughts through prayer and staying in His Word, but finally I feel like I've at least stepped off on the right foot.
Jesus IS the way. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Posted on 9.21.2006 at 10:44 AM
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