Search my heart O God

Sis and I never had that talk, but Godwilling we will have the time one day.

So yeah, mom worried me a little today. She had overheard me say something last night that made her caution me to make sure I wasn't serving in this particular ministry for any reason other than God. I assured her that my reason had nothing do do with that situation, but she was just like, make sure your intentions are pure because God wants you to seek just Him. In the coming days, weeks or so I will ask God to search my heart because He knows it wayyyyyy better than I think I do or ever could. I don't want to be making what I believe to be a huge step in my spiritual life because deep down I'm trying to get my ex back. I sat out for a year and I really feel like the time is right now for me to get involved in this . I've always wanted to serve there and I desperately need the support network and comraderie. I can also reason that I can get support from my smallgroup, but I feel like I need to be surrounded by as much support as possible. Even so, I need to be sure that my heart is not wrong in this thing. I want to be so sold out to Jesus that I forgot me and dude ever even dated or that I still love him and would like to get back together. This year is sooooo not about anything between me and him. It's really about how God is going to use the ministry we serve in to impact Atlanta's college and single population. From the meeting the other night it's clear that God has big big big plans for this ministry, for our congregation, for the unchurched in Atlanta. I'm really excited about all of it, but I'm worried that I won't be able to do everything plus school. I'll be working at GT, taking classes at school, working in this ministry in some capacity, and also working on the staff of a newspaper for the ministry that's over this ministry. I know I can do it because people have gone through grad school with husbands, children, full-time jobs and probably serving in church so I don't know what busy is. I have nothing to complain about. My situation is no way near too big for God. He can certainly take care of me and everything I'm signing up for 1 million fold. I need to get wayyy better at trusting him and not taking strength inventory based on my strength apart from Him, because without him I have none.

I'm in a somewhat familiar place right now where I begin to have gut reactions to things that I know aren't right, and I actually act to remove myself from them. I'm even looking at pledging from a different angle without anyone overtly saying anything to me about it. There was a time when I was prepared to be completely sold out to an organization regardless of the bad things, and now I can't see past the lacking character. I still make distinctions between grad and undergrad chapters and such, but they are starting to meld into the same image for me. I just feel so good. I hope that by grace I will continue to walk toward Jesus, not stand still, not move backward but actually walk up. I'm so excited.

But I was serious, I want to forget that me and dude ever had a relationship and make sure this is all about my love for Jesus and desire to walk in His footsteps and spread the gospel to the lost masses through Him, and him only.