Iight so I'm having a good week. The key word so far has been "provision", in the Godly sense. I don't have any of my textbooks and I have no money until Ga State decides to give me my finaid refund. I was freaking out about it, but my profs have been understanding. I can't buy my Ga Tech (I work there) parking permit until I get my refund so parking has been hella expensive... or at least it should be. Somehow it turns out that the parking attendant in the pay lot in which I park seems to unofficially close aroun 7:30-8:00pm. I try to hang around on campus until then so I can save the $10 for the day since I have to be up here every day... but it's nice that the lot attendant leaves so I don't have to use my food money on parking, lol. Let's see... I know that my classes are late in the day and that I have no excuse to be sleepy or sleep during them but during undergrad I nodded off or slept in most of my classes regardless of the time of day. Also I have a short attention span and all of my classes now are 2.5hrs long, some without breaks. Miraculously I have been beyond attentive in every class so far, listening to everything that is said and writing copious notes. I've been mentally part of discussion...at least. I still don't like talking in class, but being in class all week with most of the same people makes you way more comfortable. I'm sure my cohorts and I will be the best of friends by December. The social aspect of things makes being a grad school 'freshman' more bearable.
I have no idea what made my think to do this because there were a lot of people I could have asked but today I stopped by the office of someone who I know just recently finished law school and I asked her if she had any tips for me on how to be successful at all the reading I have to do in grad school. Her advice really helped and I assume that it will be work when I put it to action. It is nice to breathe right now though. Wednesday will be my breathing day since I don't have class on Thursdays and Fridays. I won't be slacking off, but some of the pressue will be gone at least... the pressure to have an assignment done or a reading due. This whole breathing thing is nice.
Posted on 8.30.2006 at 6:14 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
fluff class
So... today was my last day of classes for the week. Thank GOD, because I didn't know how I was going to do it another. I feel like I'm about to die when I'm in those 2.5hr long classes, and when I get home I'm sooooo tired. The class I had today was my fluff class. I mean, yeah, there is a point to it but it's pass/fail and it should be fun. It's called "Interpersonal Skills I". I wish I could have taken classes like that in undergrad (yay Tech)... but on a gloomier note, I just printed 103 pages of readings for class for next week... those are in addition to 80 or so pages that were handed to me in my intro class along with the Intro and first 2 chapters of a book I haven't been able to get yet.... craaaaaaaziness.
After class today I MARTA'd to Tech to check on some HR stuff and to get in my car and drive home. Instead of home, I ended up at walmart because I reasoned that if I were to go home I would have gone to sleep and missed church (at 7pm). I had mickey d's at walmart and bought a little cheap bible to keep in my car and then I drove to church around the corner :) I was nearly in the zone for praise and worship tonight, which is a blessing because I had been heavy hearted recently (esp this past sunday when I was regretting the everclear I had the previous evening... yah I know...everyone has their struggles and downfalls). The message was phenomenal. It was mostly a bible study on 3 foundational truths about Jesus Christ (which I will disclose further on in this entry). So basically, the foundational scriptures for the message were the following:
1 Cor 3:10-11
Deut 6:4-9
2 Tim 3:1-7
2 Peter 2:1-3
Matt 24:24
Gal 1:9
2 Tim 3:14-15
The above scriptures mostly stress the importance of knowing God's values and staying in the word of God so that you (as a Christian) will not be swayed into accordance with worldly values that do not reflect God's heart.
3 Foundational Truths about Jesus Christ (normally combatted by today's society) [I've included the supporting verses under each truth]
(1) Jesus is God.-John 1:14
-Phil 2:5-7
-John 14:6-7
-John 8:31-59
-Col 1:15-17
-Col 2:9
-Heb 1:8
(2) Jesus is the only way!(to the Father, God)
-John 14:6
-John 10:9
-John 3:35-36
(3) Jesus is coming back again.-Matt 24:29-44
-Acts 1:10-11
-1 Thess 5:2
-Rev 3:11
-Rev 22:11
-Rev 22:20
The message presenter also urged:
Don't forget about what's really important
-Advancement of God's Kingdom
-Jesus's Name made known
Isaiah 58 is a good place to look too.
Posted on 8.23.2006 at 11:34 PM
After class today I MARTA'd to Tech to check on some HR stuff and to get in my car and drive home. Instead of home, I ended up at walmart because I reasoned that if I were to go home I would have gone to sleep and missed church (at 7pm). I had mickey d's at walmart and bought a little cheap bible to keep in my car and then I drove to church around the corner :) I was nearly in the zone for praise and worship tonight, which is a blessing because I had been heavy hearted recently (esp this past sunday when I was regretting the everclear I had the previous evening... yah I know...everyone has their struggles and downfalls). The message was phenomenal. It was mostly a bible study on 3 foundational truths about Jesus Christ (which I will disclose further on in this entry). So basically, the foundational scriptures for the message were the following:
1 Cor 3:10-11
Deut 6:4-9
2 Tim 3:1-7
2 Peter 2:1-3
Matt 24:24
Gal 1:9
2 Tim 3:14-15
The above scriptures mostly stress the importance of knowing God's values and staying in the word of God so that you (as a Christian) will not be swayed into accordance with worldly values that do not reflect God's heart.
3 Foundational Truths about Jesus Christ (normally combatted by today's society) [I've included the supporting verses under each truth]
(1) Jesus is God.-John 1:14
-Phil 2:5-7
-John 14:6-7
-John 8:31-59
-Col 1:15-17
-Col 2:9
-Heb 1:8
(2) Jesus is the only way!(to the Father, God)
-John 14:6
-John 10:9
-John 3:35-36
(3) Jesus is coming back again.-Matt 24:29-44
-Acts 1:10-11
-1 Thess 5:2
-Rev 3:11
-Rev 22:11
-Rev 22:20
The message presenter also urged:
Don't forget about what's really important
-Advancement of God's Kingdom
-Jesus's Name made known
Isaiah 58 is a good place to look too.
Posted on 8.23.2006 at 11:34 PM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
grad school. changes
So... I started grad school yesterday. I found my classrooms with no trouble, and managed to walk around Ga State looking like I had actually gone there before.... except for the fact that I wasn't wearing stilettos and make up. Stuff like that wouldn't hurt my appearance, but I'd appreciate a guy more who thought I was attractive without all of the extra... plus I'm not up at Ga State trying to catch a dude (not that there's anything wrong with Ga State guys). I have a spiritual agenda that doesn't include trying to lure a man. If said man happens to come along while Jesus and I are bonding, then so be it. Though if I were into the business of allurement I know who I'd target, but I'm quite certain that I won't find him in my classes at State. Plus adding to my physical self wouldn't make me more alluring (if I am at all) to him, but my heart for God and love of others would.
The changes
I'm very pleased with the changes going on in my life now, my decisions to stay away from certain situations and cut ties with people I'd gotten mixed in with during the past year (namely a guy or two). One particular break was especially difficult for me even though the situation was the worst, but with God's strength I was able to say goodbye. I thought ahead about it though, and anticipated that the person would contact me within a few weeks (even though we had discussed that our affiliation was over and that we were to remove each other from our phones). Lo and behold he texted me today. It was a test, and I almost failed it because I thought about replying but when I reminded myself that it was in my best spiritual interest to not reply, I simply deleted the text. Re-admitting him into my life would screw up what I'm trying to do, and with where I'm trying to go I can't have dead weight. I don't know if anyone anyone anyone around me can see the change within me, but I'm seriously trying to do big spiritual things here and if I see that something or someone is a roadblock, I have to let that thing or that person go. Life is too crucial for that. God's plans for my life are too great for me to knowingly and willfully allow things to get in the way of that. Why should I delay in letting Him transform me into who I'm meant to be? I didn't see it before now because I was having "fun" but after all of the awful things I've been through emotionally and spiritually these past 14 months having lost my best friend and doing things on my own it has become clear to me, and I'm ready to walk in the Light and follow my Savior, because without Him I've realized that my life is crap.
Posted on 8.22.2006 at 6:37 PM
The changes
I'm very pleased with the changes going on in my life now, my decisions to stay away from certain situations and cut ties with people I'd gotten mixed in with during the past year (namely a guy or two). One particular break was especially difficult for me even though the situation was the worst, but with God's strength I was able to say goodbye. I thought ahead about it though, and anticipated that the person would contact me within a few weeks (even though we had discussed that our affiliation was over and that we were to remove each other from our phones). Lo and behold he texted me today. It was a test, and I almost failed it because I thought about replying but when I reminded myself that it was in my best spiritual interest to not reply, I simply deleted the text. Re-admitting him into my life would screw up what I'm trying to do, and with where I'm trying to go I can't have dead weight. I don't know if anyone anyone anyone around me can see the change within me, but I'm seriously trying to do big spiritual things here and if I see that something or someone is a roadblock, I have to let that thing or that person go. Life is too crucial for that. God's plans for my life are too great for me to knowingly and willfully allow things to get in the way of that. Why should I delay in letting Him transform me into who I'm meant to be? I didn't see it before now because I was having "fun" but after all of the awful things I've been through emotionally and spiritually these past 14 months having lost my best friend and doing things on my own it has become clear to me, and I'm ready to walk in the Light and follow my Savior, because without Him I've realized that my life is crap.
Posted on 8.22.2006 at 6:37 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
frown
Everything has to change... now.
I'm finally getting my apartment in order (I just bought another chest of drawers from IKEA to accomodate for the REST of my clothes that won't fit anywhere else), so everything should be pulled together quite nicely and neatly by the time I get my living room set. If only my life were in a similar situation.
Like I said, "Everything has to change" and it will, beginning with where I spend my free time. There has been too much of a spiritual conflict between me and clubs, so I won't go. For now I'll say that's my final answer unless I find myself presented with a situation in which God would grant me peace about going. At the moment, I'm inwardly ok with chilling at lounges and conversing over one or two drinks... and also going to Apache Cafe for mic club, though the subject of that particular event is quite harsh. I don't feel 'out of place' there, guys don't grab at me there... so it's still ok for now. I like the craft of freestyling (so that's why I go), but I do wish that they would find better things to say to each other when they're competing. I have to change the music I'm listening to. This will probably be, by far, the hardest change for me to make. I could start by resetting all of the radio station presets in my car. I can also get the bible on cassette for probably REAL cheap right about now (I don't have a CD player in my car). Hm, that's what I'll do... bible on cassette. That's an excellent start. I can get rid of the music that I have that I know I probably shouldn't listen to... kinda like I did before, but for real.
more later
Posted on 8.16.2006 at 3:19 PM
I'm finally getting my apartment in order (I just bought another chest of drawers from IKEA to accomodate for the REST of my clothes that won't fit anywhere else), so everything should be pulled together quite nicely and neatly by the time I get my living room set. If only my life were in a similar situation.
Like I said, "Everything has to change" and it will, beginning with where I spend my free time. There has been too much of a spiritual conflict between me and clubs, so I won't go. For now I'll say that's my final answer unless I find myself presented with a situation in which God would grant me peace about going. At the moment, I'm inwardly ok with chilling at lounges and conversing over one or two drinks... and also going to Apache Cafe for mic club, though the subject of that particular event is quite harsh. I don't feel 'out of place' there, guys don't grab at me there... so it's still ok for now. I like the craft of freestyling (so that's why I go), but I do wish that they would find better things to say to each other when they're competing. I have to change the music I'm listening to. This will probably be, by far, the hardest change for me to make. I could start by resetting all of the radio station presets in my car. I can also get the bible on cassette for probably REAL cheap right about now (I don't have a CD player in my car). Hm, that's what I'll do... bible on cassette. That's an excellent start. I can get rid of the music that I have that I know I probably shouldn't listen to... kinda like I did before, but for real.
more later
Posted on 8.16.2006 at 3:19 PM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Sistren Adulthood
There are too many known unknowns and unknown unknowns between my most immediate younger sister and I. A lot of time I wonder how she views our family situation, our having different moms and only seeing her once a year for the past 13 of them. I have a lot of questions for her, and I think she might have some for me... so maybe it's time to clear the air.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
I'm still kickin
me (10:48:37 PM): yah, my homegirls did a verbal driveby on this drunk white guy
me(10:48:39 PM): last night
friend (10:49:59 PM): y
friend (10:50:08 PM): or wat did they say i guess
me (10:50:18 PM): they called him a f'ing cunt repeatedly
me (10:50:35 PM): because thats what he said to one of our friends in the restaurant/bar as we were leaving it
friend (10:51:02 PM): i coulda told them it was dumb to walk thru a thick crowd of drunk white people (mostly guys) anyway
me (10:51:14 PM): but i'm never in charge when we go out
me (10:51:15 PM): lol
friend (10:52:40 PM): shoulda whooped his ass
friend (10:52:43 PM): but thats just me
me (10:53:16 PM): well, i dont like to feel like my friends are adding to my endangerment while i'm out
me (10:53:33 PM): i'm 5'3 i'm not beating a grown man's ass
friend (10:53:54 PM): not that im telling u to fight
friend (10:54:09 PM): but there are plenty of ppl ur height that wont ever get messed with
me(10:54:33 PM): yah
me (10:55:02 PM): i jus didnt like how they handled it i guess, and i couldn't vibe with the satisfaction they felt at yelling at him out of the window
me (10:56:10 PM): but i'm not a vengeful person
me (10:56:17 PM): other things are more important to me
me (10:56:55 PM): i guess i feel like my friends can be reckless sometimes and i dont want to be dragged into a bad situation
friend (10:57:00 PM): ur def a stronger person than me
friend (10:57:07 PM): ya i def get u
me (10:57:40 PM): last night wasn't helped by the preceding night's behavior
me (10:57:45 PM): i guess that's why i'm on this kick
friend (10:59:38 PM): sounds like a great passes couple days
me (10:59:55 PM): my homegirl was cursing out of the window at other drivers in the parking lot at vegas nights
me (11:00:00 PM): i thought we were going to get shot
me (11:00:09 PM): she was the ONLY person in the wrong
me (11:01:06 PM): she CANT freaking drive
me (11:01:19 PM): but she wanted to yell and be mean psycho biyatch to others
me (11:01:25 PM): and we weren't at some upscale clube
me (11:01:30 PM): vegas nights is white tees
me (11:01:35 PM): i'm so done
me (11:01:36 PM): lol
friend (11:02:10 PM): dang
friend (11:02:15 PM): u gotta get ur ppls in check
me (11:02:26 PM): she will not drive me ever again
me (11:02:31 PM): if i can help it
friend (11:04:08 PM): prolly a good idea
me (11:05:06 PM): i really gotta stop straddling the fence spiritually abt my nightlife
friend (11:05:48 PM): whachu mean
me (11:06:44 PM): im jus havin a conflict between my going out and dancing up on guys to music that i know Jesus wouldn't be doin the pool palace too
me (11:07:05 PM): and knowing what i should be doing instead
me (11:07:06 PM): iono
me (11:07:24 PM): and the club is just a way for me to escape spiritual reality
me (11:07:39 PM): but do i really want to be grindin on some nameless dude when Jesus returns
me (11:08:43 PM): there are things that i have been doing over the past year that i dont have peace abt
me (11:08:59 PM): because i know that i'm choosing to go opposite of what i've been shown to be right
me (11:09:18 PM): i dont condemn others for doing the stuff but i feel like i dont have an excuse
friend (11:09:55 PM): i mean i feel where ur coming from
friend (11:10:11 PM): and u seem like u feel strong about it
friend (11:10:20 PM): but i mean is it so bad though?
me (11:10:29 PM): yah...
friend(11:10:32 PM): ur dancing
friend (11:10:40 PM): but ur not hooking up with all these ppl
me (11:10:40 PM): i can dance by myself
me (11:10:52 PM): and i usually do so that's not the issue really
friend (11:10:58 PM): u could also sit at home all day
me (11:11:01 PM): not the issue alone
me (11:11:15 PM): or i could go do something personally edifying
me (11:11:36 PM): the times where i've felt like im in the 'zone' and just straight peaceful about it
me (11:12:10 PM): have been when i've been out with other folk who are seeking God and doing stuff that my heart isn't mixed abt
friend (11:12:55 PM): naw i def see wat ur saying
friend (11:13:12 PM): and im def not putting down wat ur saying
me (11:13:13 PM): with the club thing its the music (lyric-wise), the physical presentation (skimpy clothes), mindset (ok with objectification... for females anyway), instant gratification
me (11:13:22 PM): o naw, i didnt thnk u were
me (11:13:29 PM): talking to u is actually me thinking thru it more
me (11:13:37 PM): cuz its been naggin me for sooo long
friend (11:13:49 PM): ya i mean i guess the way i see things now
friend (11:13:56 PM): is that if i died right now
friend (11:14:05 PM): and i go talk to god about my life
friend (11:14:18 PM): would i be ashamed of dancing with a girl out somewhere
friend (11:14:29 PM): i mean thats how i try to think of most things
me (11:14:43 PM): that's a good way to think abt it
friend (11:14:48 PM): is this something i'd be afraid to admit even though he knows
friend (11:14:57 PM): or could i say it and be coolwith it
friend (11:15:02 PM): ya i thought so
friend (11:15:09 PM): it helps me make better decisions i think
me (11:15:30 PM): yah, helps u know whether or not ur convicted abt something
friend(11:16:08 PM): and regret
friend (11:16:09 PM): i regret most of the stuff i do
friend (11:16:11 PM): which is one of the many reasons i have insomnia
friend (11:16:25 PM): but some stuff i do its just because im human and i make mistakes
. . .
me (11:17:06 PM): prob with me is that when i'm in these places i have this movie moment where i'm having a personal quiet time in the midst of all the madness
. . .
me (11:18:00 PM): in my personal quiet time its like a hear a voice saying, crystal, really.... look around
me (11:18:11 PM): is this the culture u want to endorse
me (11:18:49 PM): and i start feeling sorry for people who aren't able to step outside of the situation and see it more clearly
me (11:18:55 PM): like, see past it
me (11:19:13 PM): i know that for many people clubbing and dancing is church
friend (11:19:14 PM): or maybe there are ppl who could be xactly like u
friend (11:19:21 PM): ya tru
me (11:19:25 PM): very tru also
me (11:19:40 PM): i'm sure there are people in there fighting inwardly like me
me (11:19:55 PM): u kno how sometimes u feel like ur holding out on God
me (11:19:57 PM): ?
friend (11:20:07 PM): def
me (11:20:36 PM): i feel like God has looked over my life, pointed to nightlife and said, 'let me have that'
me (11:20:56 PM): and like a fussy 2 yr old i've shaken my head and whined/fussed 'no'
me (11:20:59 PM): just stubborn
me (11:21:06 PM): like what God has to offer isnt better
me (11:21:25 PM): perhaps i can't progress from my current situation if i won't hand this thing that i love over to him
me (11:22:15 PM): (current situation: still heartbroken)
friend (11:22:43 PM): those wonderful life dilemas
me(11:23:17 PM): i'm getting off of the fence
me (11:23:32 PM): i have to put clubbing behind me
me (11:23:41 PM): cuz i can't live like this anymore
friend (11:27:00 PM): u sure
me (11:28:31 PM): yah i'm sure
me (11:28:47 PM): since i keep feeling like that's what i should not being doing right now
friend (11:29:51 PM): ya i getcha
me(10:48:39 PM): last night
friend (10:49:59 PM): y
friend (10:50:08 PM): or wat did they say i guess
me (10:50:18 PM): they called him a f'ing cunt repeatedly
me (10:50:35 PM): because thats what he said to one of our friends in the restaurant/bar as we were leaving it
friend (10:51:02 PM): i coulda told them it was dumb to walk thru a thick crowd of drunk white people (mostly guys) anyway
me (10:51:14 PM): but i'm never in charge when we go out
me (10:51:15 PM): lol
friend (10:52:40 PM): shoulda whooped his ass
friend (10:52:43 PM): but thats just me
me (10:53:16 PM): well, i dont like to feel like my friends are adding to my endangerment while i'm out
me (10:53:33 PM): i'm 5'3 i'm not beating a grown man's ass
friend (10:53:54 PM): not that im telling u to fight
friend (10:54:09 PM): but there are plenty of ppl ur height that wont ever get messed with
me(10:54:33 PM): yah
me (10:55:02 PM): i jus didnt like how they handled it i guess, and i couldn't vibe with the satisfaction they felt at yelling at him out of the window
me (10:56:10 PM): but i'm not a vengeful person
me (10:56:17 PM): other things are more important to me
me (10:56:55 PM): i guess i feel like my friends can be reckless sometimes and i dont want to be dragged into a bad situation
friend (10:57:00 PM): ur def a stronger person than me
friend (10:57:07 PM): ya i def get u
me (10:57:40 PM): last night wasn't helped by the preceding night's behavior
me (10:57:45 PM): i guess that's why i'm on this kick
friend (10:59:38 PM): sounds like a great passes couple days
me (10:59:55 PM): my homegirl was cursing out of the window at other drivers in the parking lot at vegas nights
me (11:00:00 PM): i thought we were going to get shot
me (11:00:09 PM): she was the ONLY person in the wrong
me (11:01:06 PM): she CANT freaking drive
me (11:01:19 PM): but she wanted to yell and be mean psycho biyatch to others
me (11:01:25 PM): and we weren't at some upscale clube
me (11:01:30 PM): vegas nights is white tees
me (11:01:35 PM): i'm so done
me (11:01:36 PM): lol
friend (11:02:10 PM): dang
friend (11:02:15 PM): u gotta get ur ppls in check
me (11:02:26 PM): she will not drive me ever again
me (11:02:31 PM): if i can help it
friend (11:04:08 PM): prolly a good idea
me (11:05:06 PM): i really gotta stop straddling the fence spiritually abt my nightlife
friend (11:05:48 PM): whachu mean
me (11:06:44 PM): im jus havin a conflict between my going out and dancing up on guys to music that i know Jesus wouldn't be doin the pool palace too
me (11:07:05 PM): and knowing what i should be doing instead
me (11:07:06 PM): iono
me (11:07:24 PM): and the club is just a way for me to escape spiritual reality
me (11:07:39 PM): but do i really want to be grindin on some nameless dude when Jesus returns
me (11:08:43 PM): there are things that i have been doing over the past year that i dont have peace abt
me (11:08:59 PM): because i know that i'm choosing to go opposite of what i've been shown to be right
me (11:09:18 PM): i dont condemn others for doing the stuff but i feel like i dont have an excuse
friend (11:09:55 PM): i mean i feel where ur coming from
friend (11:10:11 PM): and u seem like u feel strong about it
friend (11:10:20 PM): but i mean is it so bad though?
me (11:10:29 PM): yah...
friend(11:10:32 PM): ur dancing
friend (11:10:40 PM): but ur not hooking up with all these ppl
me (11:10:40 PM): i can dance by myself
me (11:10:52 PM): and i usually do so that's not the issue really
friend (11:10:58 PM): u could also sit at home all day
me (11:11:01 PM): not the issue alone
me (11:11:15 PM): or i could go do something personally edifying
me (11:11:36 PM): the times where i've felt like im in the 'zone' and just straight peaceful about it
me (11:12:10 PM): have been when i've been out with other folk who are seeking God and doing stuff that my heart isn't mixed abt
friend (11:12:55 PM): naw i def see wat ur saying
friend (11:13:12 PM): and im def not putting down wat ur saying
me (11:13:13 PM): with the club thing its the music (lyric-wise), the physical presentation (skimpy clothes), mindset (ok with objectification... for females anyway), instant gratification
me (11:13:22 PM): o naw, i didnt thnk u were
me (11:13:29 PM): talking to u is actually me thinking thru it more
me (11:13:37 PM): cuz its been naggin me for sooo long
friend (11:13:49 PM): ya i mean i guess the way i see things now
friend (11:13:56 PM): is that if i died right now
friend (11:14:05 PM): and i go talk to god about my life
friend (11:14:18 PM): would i be ashamed of dancing with a girl out somewhere
friend (11:14:29 PM): i mean thats how i try to think of most things
me (11:14:43 PM): that's a good way to think abt it
friend (11:14:48 PM): is this something i'd be afraid to admit even though he knows
friend (11:14:57 PM): or could i say it and be coolwith it
friend (11:15:02 PM): ya i thought so
friend (11:15:09 PM): it helps me make better decisions i think
me (11:15:30 PM): yah, helps u know whether or not ur convicted abt something
friend(11:16:08 PM): and regret
friend (11:16:09 PM): i regret most of the stuff i do
friend (11:16:11 PM): which is one of the many reasons i have insomnia
friend (11:16:25 PM): but some stuff i do its just because im human and i make mistakes
. . .
me (11:17:06 PM): prob with me is that when i'm in these places i have this movie moment where i'm having a personal quiet time in the midst of all the madness
. . .
me (11:18:00 PM): in my personal quiet time its like a hear a voice saying, crystal, really.... look around
me (11:18:11 PM): is this the culture u want to endorse
me (11:18:49 PM): and i start feeling sorry for people who aren't able to step outside of the situation and see it more clearly
me (11:18:55 PM): like, see past it
me (11:19:13 PM): i know that for many people clubbing and dancing is church
friend (11:19:14 PM): or maybe there are ppl who could be xactly like u
friend (11:19:21 PM): ya tru
me (11:19:25 PM): very tru also
me (11:19:40 PM): i'm sure there are people in there fighting inwardly like me
me (11:19:55 PM): u kno how sometimes u feel like ur holding out on God
me (11:19:57 PM): ?
friend (11:20:07 PM): def
me (11:20:36 PM): i feel like God has looked over my life, pointed to nightlife and said, 'let me have that'
me (11:20:56 PM): and like a fussy 2 yr old i've shaken my head and whined/fussed 'no'
me (11:20:59 PM): just stubborn
me (11:21:06 PM): like what God has to offer isnt better
me (11:21:25 PM): perhaps i can't progress from my current situation if i won't hand this thing that i love over to him
me (11:22:15 PM): (current situation: still heartbroken)
friend (11:22:43 PM): those wonderful life dilemas
me(11:23:17 PM): i'm getting off of the fence
me (11:23:32 PM): i have to put clubbing behind me
me (11:23:41 PM): cuz i can't live like this anymore
friend (11:27:00 PM): u sure
me (11:28:31 PM): yah i'm sure
me (11:28:47 PM): since i keep feeling like that's what i should not being doing right now
friend (11:29:51 PM): ya i getcha
love this poem by Maya Angelou
(featured in Madea's Family Reunion)
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Vegas crap (thanks Kelvin)/I Know/Where da cash at?/Phil 4:19
Vegas Crap
So... I went to Vegas Nights last night. I guess you could say I went because I was bored and it was free (cuz I'm broke). I've decided that from now on I will only be geeked up or slizzard off of Jesus, so for all intents and purposes I was sober this go around, which isn't really a good thing for me at Vegas Nights personality-wise. When we got there we walked to the bathroom at the back and my butt was grabbed at least twice along with my waist and the waistline of my pants, my arm, hand. I expected this, but everyone was more agressive than usual, which was crazy because I was dressed QUITE conservatively, jeans shirt, no midriff, cleavage, toes were covered lol. Why did I subject myself to all of this knowingly?? I guess I went to be around my girls, and I was quite excited when my nostalgic homie decided to come with. I was DEF. glad he was there with us, because it made the other guys more bearable and repelled a few I'm sure. Even so as SOON as we got there in the midst of the dance floor thickness (an abundance of UG-ly thuglike guys) I found myself texting my brother about to whine to him about coming to pick me up and take me home. I decided to be a big girl and stay though, and homie took good care of me. I did dance toward the end of the night... alone though. I turned about 7 guys down. I've decided that I no longer dance with people I don't know in clubs, which means that I'm only dancing with friends and acquaintances... sounds weird, but I'm 'ticky' like that. It worked like a charm at Sutra last Thursday.... not so well at Vision last Thursday, but I wasn't even dancing then. I gave this guy who had been nice to me my card... with my name, blog address and email (nope, not my phone number). I doubt he'll contact me, but either way it doesn't matter.
I Know
I have to say this, it's not a good habit to cut people off with saying "I know" all the time, especially when it's highly possible that the person speaking to you might actually know a little more about something than you do. It's good to humble yourself and hear what they have to say. People can surprise you with how much insight they actually have. Also, there is something to be said for general consideration and decorum, particularly toward people you know nothing about (who can be potentially dangerous), especially when you're not alone. People are crazy, don't piss someone off unecessarily by joining the ranks.Try to consider the well-being of the people with you, if not yourself. If you say something that starts a fight, I'm going to be like Joan (from Girlfriends) and not jump in it. I refuse to fall victim to a "nigga moment"(preciate cha Aaron McGruder) that doesn't even belong to me.
Proverbs pertaining to listening to advice [I'm not including the text to these, but you can look them up easily on biblegateway.com ..... I did spell out the last one because I think it is most poignant, though all are quite relative and provide insight]
10:17
12:1
12:15
13:3
15:18
15:32
16:18
18:1
19:20 (Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. ")
Where da cash at? (behind that preposition)
So I get back from Vegas Nights and I check my account last night. I was supposed to get paid the remainder of my salary for teaching English last month AND my balance had not changed! Naturally I was/am quite salty, but I expected things to not work out with my check today. Sadly, it has been my experience that black organizations tend to not be as reliable with providing the appropriate amount of pay on time. This particular organization has been okay in the past three years that I've worked for them, however, far from splended or timely on many an occasion. This morning at 4 I emailed three of the main people at the organization that have a say in how much I am to get paid and when, because I didn't know who to talk to about not receiving my much-needed money. I was sooooo upset.... but then I gained perspective.
Phil 4:19 (And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.')
So there I was pissed about my sad account balance and feeling like the organization had broken its promise to pay me. I took a shower, still pissed... and then I was like, 'Lord if I hadn't put that tithe and offering in the basket on Sunday I'd be able to take myself to ColdStone and get that waffle cone I've been looking forward to all week.' I was mostly jesting, because I know God has a sense of humor but then I started thinking that maybe God was trying me out to see if I would flip over this money situation. Then it occured to me that maybe I should be praying about all of this, in lieu of storming to campus and demanding my money. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would precede my own steps in dealing with this matter and that I would have the right attitude. I understood/understand the the issue was/is not whether or not I will have enough money to survive off of until I am paid, but whetherI trust God to continue His divine provision in my life. He has made it clear to me that He does not intend for me to starve or go without what I need, so I figured that I should trust Him (now only if I were that mature regarding love and relationships). So yeah, I attacked the situation calmly and prayerfully and I should be receiving the money by Tueday, I pray. There is nothing like money, or lack thereof, to have a Christian lose his/her anointing though. Last night after I prayed I flipped through my study bible to see specifically what Jesus had to say about money and "needs" and I was lead to Psalm, specifically Psalm 23:1 where it says, "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. " Or in other words, "The LORD is my shepherd, I have EVERYTHING I need." That says to me that my blessings will be abundant... once again if I could translate this faith to my relationships or how I view that whole significant other situation, but it is what it is.
Wow, writing this took me over two hours because I was flipping (electronically) through Proverbs so I'm going to end it now... plus I'm quite hungry and have a headache because of it. I think I'll go sit beside the pool and read more.
Posted on 8.11.2006 at 4:13 PM
So... I went to Vegas Nights last night. I guess you could say I went because I was bored and it was free (cuz I'm broke). I've decided that from now on I will only be geeked up or slizzard off of Jesus, so for all intents and purposes I was sober this go around, which isn't really a good thing for me at Vegas Nights personality-wise. When we got there we walked to the bathroom at the back and my butt was grabbed at least twice along with my waist and the waistline of my pants, my arm, hand. I expected this, but everyone was more agressive than usual, which was crazy because I was dressed QUITE conservatively, jeans shirt, no midriff, cleavage, toes were covered lol. Why did I subject myself to all of this knowingly?? I guess I went to be around my girls, and I was quite excited when my nostalgic homie decided to come with. I was DEF. glad he was there with us, because it made the other guys more bearable and repelled a few I'm sure. Even so as SOON as we got there in the midst of the dance floor thickness (an abundance of UG-ly thuglike guys) I found myself texting my brother about to whine to him about coming to pick me up and take me home. I decided to be a big girl and stay though, and homie took good care of me. I did dance toward the end of the night... alone though. I turned about 7 guys down. I've decided that I no longer dance with people I don't know in clubs, which means that I'm only dancing with friends and acquaintances... sounds weird, but I'm 'ticky' like that. It worked like a charm at Sutra last Thursday.... not so well at Vision last Thursday, but I wasn't even dancing then. I gave this guy who had been nice to me my card... with my name, blog address and email (nope, not my phone number). I doubt he'll contact me, but either way it doesn't matter.
I Know
I have to say this, it's not a good habit to cut people off with saying "I know" all the time, especially when it's highly possible that the person speaking to you might actually know a little more about something than you do. It's good to humble yourself and hear what they have to say. People can surprise you with how much insight they actually have. Also, there is something to be said for general consideration and decorum, particularly toward people you know nothing about (who can be potentially dangerous), especially when you're not alone. People are crazy, don't piss someone off unecessarily by joining the ranks.Try to consider the well-being of the people with you, if not yourself. If you say something that starts a fight, I'm going to be like Joan (from Girlfriends) and not jump in it. I refuse to fall victim to a "nigga moment"(preciate cha Aaron McGruder) that doesn't even belong to me.
Proverbs pertaining to listening to advice [I'm not including the text to these, but you can look them up easily on biblegateway.com ..... I did spell out the last one because I think it is most poignant, though all are quite relative and provide insight]
10:17
12:1
12:15
13:3
15:18
15:32
16:18
18:1
19:20 (Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. ")
Where da cash at? (behind that preposition)
So I get back from Vegas Nights and I check my account last night. I was supposed to get paid the remainder of my salary for teaching English last month AND my balance had not changed! Naturally I was/am quite salty, but I expected things to not work out with my check today. Sadly, it has been my experience that black organizations tend to not be as reliable with providing the appropriate amount of pay on time. This particular organization has been okay in the past three years that I've worked for them, however, far from splended or timely on many an occasion. This morning at 4 I emailed three of the main people at the organization that have a say in how much I am to get paid and when, because I didn't know who to talk to about not receiving my much-needed money. I was sooooo upset.... but then I gained perspective.
Phil 4:19 (And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.')
So there I was pissed about my sad account balance and feeling like the organization had broken its promise to pay me. I took a shower, still pissed... and then I was like, 'Lord if I hadn't put that tithe and offering in the basket on Sunday I'd be able to take myself to ColdStone and get that waffle cone I've been looking forward to all week.' I was mostly jesting, because I know God has a sense of humor but then I started thinking that maybe God was trying me out to see if I would flip over this money situation. Then it occured to me that maybe I should be praying about all of this, in lieu of storming to campus and demanding my money. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would precede my own steps in dealing with this matter and that I would have the right attitude. I understood/understand the the issue was/is not whether or not I will have enough money to survive off of until I am paid, but whetherI trust God to continue His divine provision in my life. He has made it clear to me that He does not intend for me to starve or go without what I need, so I figured that I should trust Him (now only if I were that mature regarding love and relationships). So yeah, I attacked the situation calmly and prayerfully and I should be receiving the money by Tueday, I pray. There is nothing like money, or lack thereof, to have a Christian lose his/her anointing though. Last night after I prayed I flipped through my study bible to see specifically what Jesus had to say about money and "needs" and I was lead to Psalm, specifically Psalm 23:1 where it says, "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. " Or in other words, "The LORD is my shepherd, I have EVERYTHING I need." That says to me that my blessings will be abundant... once again if I could translate this faith to my relationships or how I view that whole significant other situation, but it is what it is.
Wow, writing this took me over two hours because I was flipping (electronically) through Proverbs so I'm going to end it now... plus I'm quite hungry and have a headache because of it. I think I'll go sit beside the pool and read more.
Posted on 8.11.2006 at 4:13 PM
Feeling good Feeling great
I feel good today, broke as I am... can't even afford ice cream. However, I don't feel like writing another blog entry today, so you'll have to refer to http://satelliteselah.easyjournal.com for the goodness.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
[no title]
I don't know how I can do all of the things I want to do and fit where I want to fit when you're still an issue that ails me from time to time.
So Sick
You could say today's been a good day. I rolled out of bed around 1:30pm or so, showered and came down to the computer. Oh yeah, I grabbed myself a brownie out of the fridge for brunch, lol. The brownies I made last night have chocolate chips and walnuts in them... kinda yummy, but I only made them because I knew there would be a few folk over to eat them. I'm not trying to be fat, and I know they have a ridiculous amount of calories per brownie. Enough talk of brownies...
I've been feeling blah today. I haven't had a reason to go ANYWHERE, not campus, not the store, not down the street... nowhere. That's weird because I always have somewhere to go, but there's no point in wasting gas or just wasting money otherwise for absolutely nothing. I don't have anyone to visit. I'm sick of reading and watching the stupid TV like that's supposed to be something special. I really can't wait for classes to start so that something substantial will fill my time a bit. My sis is coming next week and that will be cool, but I can't bear the idea of no interaction with other humans. These lame rent office people certainly aren't the folk I want to interact with. They are fake as hell to say the least and I hate being here. I'm only here to use the computer, but I think that I may start going to the library so I can get up outta here until I get my laptop.
Oh yeah, this is really nice to know... Me and my homegirl were in my room last night (she was braiding my hair) and this ridiculously large waterbug or whatever it was ran across my wall and we both jumped up and let out bloodcurdling screams quite a few times and it wasn't even that late and no one came to see if we were ok, so now I don't feel safe at all in this dang place. I mean, God forbid I get stabbed to death or something while I'm living here and people hear it and don't give a crap. I mean, really? I may as well be living on an island, because Lord knows I feel like I'm on one. I don't have anyone to reach out to or anything, I mean not really. I have folk, but no advocate. I hate being so isolated and so out of touch. Honestly I'm kinda pissed that I wasn't able to go to church last night because of my hair. We had started it Tuesday night and it wasn't in the condition for me to show up at church with it like that. It's sad too, because on Tuesday night I had felt so delivered from Monday night's experience that I was soooooo excited about being able to go to church on Wednesday... for real. I feel like a punk for letting my plans get messed up, but at the same time the fact that my hair is STILL not done and we're moving onto a night 3 means that maybe it was a good decision for me to stay and let her do my hair. I will be missing service on Sunday too because my sister's coming to town and I'm taking her to Augusta to see mommy and them. I'd have to leave AUG at 12 to make the 2pm and I know how my family hates for me to rush to leave town. I'm sure leaving early will be worth it though.
Life is good, I can't deny. There's nothing surfacely wrong, but I seriously have the blues. I guess I contemplate my future too often and I don't see anyone... and I'll admit that I'm fighting the urge to covet what others have. I wish that "I" would lose importance in my life, you know... that I would fade into the background and lose "Me" in something meaningful. This focusing on myself is a slow killer and before I know it will have me and I won't be able to shake loose.
I've been feeling blah today. I haven't had a reason to go ANYWHERE, not campus, not the store, not down the street... nowhere. That's weird because I always have somewhere to go, but there's no point in wasting gas or just wasting money otherwise for absolutely nothing. I don't have anyone to visit. I'm sick of reading and watching the stupid TV like that's supposed to be something special. I really can't wait for classes to start so that something substantial will fill my time a bit. My sis is coming next week and that will be cool, but I can't bear the idea of no interaction with other humans. These lame rent office people certainly aren't the folk I want to interact with. They are fake as hell to say the least and I hate being here. I'm only here to use the computer, but I think that I may start going to the library so I can get up outta here until I get my laptop.
Oh yeah, this is really nice to know... Me and my homegirl were in my room last night (she was braiding my hair) and this ridiculously large waterbug or whatever it was ran across my wall and we both jumped up and let out bloodcurdling screams quite a few times and it wasn't even that late and no one came to see if we were ok, so now I don't feel safe at all in this dang place. I mean, God forbid I get stabbed to death or something while I'm living here and people hear it and don't give a crap. I mean, really? I may as well be living on an island, because Lord knows I feel like I'm on one. I don't have anyone to reach out to or anything, I mean not really. I have folk, but no advocate. I hate being so isolated and so out of touch. Honestly I'm kinda pissed that I wasn't able to go to church last night because of my hair. We had started it Tuesday night and it wasn't in the condition for me to show up at church with it like that. It's sad too, because on Tuesday night I had felt so delivered from Monday night's experience that I was soooooo excited about being able to go to church on Wednesday... for real. I feel like a punk for letting my plans get messed up, but at the same time the fact that my hair is STILL not done and we're moving onto a night 3 means that maybe it was a good decision for me to stay and let her do my hair. I will be missing service on Sunday too because my sister's coming to town and I'm taking her to Augusta to see mommy and them. I'd have to leave AUG at 12 to make the 2pm and I know how my family hates for me to rush to leave town. I'm sure leaving early will be worth it though.
Life is good, I can't deny. There's nothing surfacely wrong, but I seriously have the blues. I guess I contemplate my future too often and I don't see anyone... and I'll admit that I'm fighting the urge to covet what others have. I wish that "I" would lose importance in my life, you know... that I would fade into the background and lose "Me" in something meaningful. This focusing on myself is a slow killer and before I know it will have me and I won't be able to shake loose.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
Geeked up
I'm having an abfab day today. I feel great. The sun is high in the sky and birds are chirping their glad hearts out. God really pulled me out of a deep hole. I'm determined to do things differently with my life now.
This, too, shall pass [catharsis]
My mom used to always say that to me when I would cry over some heartache or just plain be upset about a particular circumstance, and now it's her voice I hear in the back of my head. I had to make a HUGE decision tonight for once and for all... more like an hour ago. I had to let go, and letting go of people is quite hard for me to do. This was necessary, something I had to do for me and for my relationship with God. Dude was interfering with both. I've been celibate for well over 3 years, but I almost had sex with him. It's amazing what power the need for affection can have over a person (me) or just the types of behaviors I had allowed myself to submit to and accept in his presence. On one hand I felt secure and all warm and fuzzy, but on the other hand when he and I would talk I usually felt like I was crawling, groveling at his feet on my bare hands and knees vulnerable to any shift in temper or whatever else he might have. I mean, what the hell really? How could I subject myself to such foolery, such meaninglessness, such devalument. There I was attached to this guy for a while, since early March. I can't make total sense of it just yet, but from the BEGINNING I was deleting him from my phone like, This is a bad situation, but he kept calling and I kept answering and before I knew it I was too deep into the situation to try and pry myself loose. I'd pray, Lord help me, but I'd always be weak and find myself crawling back into his arms knowing that I was an object to him, but allowing me to fool myself into thinking that I was maybe just a little bit more because he seemed to be just as attached as I was. With every interaction whatever light I still held onto within dulled more and more until I found myself at that extremely low, out of touch part the other night where I almost yeilded the whole of my body to him. I know it's such a great blessing that God dug me out of that whole, even as I visited the guy tonight God put an anointing on me to give me the strength to do what I had to do, especially as I prayed 911. Of course homeboy's mixture of blatant lack of care and inability to understand helped the process, but still I cried. He had been the only anything, anyone I had held onto in/for months and to realize that he didn't give a crap was really a hit to the chest. How could I have walked toward this mirage for so long? I know what sincerity and Love look like, for the most part. I knew that this was not that, but my desires apparently overruled my ability to perceive reality and I found myself in the same situation I had once chided my homegirls for.
Now I'm sitting here in the student center alone at a ridiculous time of morning wondering how I will ever find the strength to not attempt to contact him again or to not answer in the off chance that he calls me, though clearly he said he'd be deleting my number in the morning, which hurt... but I urged him to delete it then and there... I nearly begged him to. I told him that I had to stop seeing him for my own good. I was getting swept in, caught up and he and I are after different things. He has little or no understanding or appreciation for spiritual matters. He and I had nothing to talk about. He was looking for sex and a nice warm body to be around, while I was looking for intimacy, companionship and security. I don't know how I can be expected to reach out to an intangible Jesus, but I know that reaching out to someone who's not on Jesus's team is painful and ends even more so. Shoot, reaching out to someone who IS on Jesus's team and losing them is also painful. People hurt, so I'm not interested in dealing with people anymore, which is weird because that's all I want to do with my life occupationally. I don't value my life much anymore. I say that because of how I've started driving... I only attempt to hold it together because I know that my family would miss me, especially my sisters, and I would miss them and my dying early is just NOT the answer here, so I've tried to tone it down but I'm always so upset. I hate my life, or lack thereof. What is life without intimacy?
But like mommy tells me, "This, too, shall pass." I will be ok. Earlier this night before I went over to dude's place I set an alarm on my phone calendar to finally call Damian. Interestingly I was listening to a sermon earlier tonight, and even though the pastor dude may not have been saying this, I felt like he was urging (me) to go sit at someone's feet, a spiritual leader's feet. I have never actively given myself over to someone to learn from them like that. Certainly there was SB, but there was a fight there. I wasn't like, "Teach me EVERYTHING you know." I obviously need something like that though. My parents have become insufficient in that way because the relationship we share will never be completely spiritually objective in the way that I need it to be, but I do love them and I appreciate the wisdom they do impart on me.
Right now I'm in the whimpy Christian phase, but I feel like REALLY soon I'm going to get pissed off about all of this and yell "Gimme my stuff back" to the devil. I feel like I'm starting to see this situation for what it is... If nothing else it has been humbling. Also it was a painful reminder that the only way to go is with Jesus and with people who are on his team (at least regarding significant others, but I do realize that I need some close friends that are in the spiritual fast lane... not completely pulled over, sliding backward or that just never even made it out of the garage). Spiritually, I definitely have the "check engine" light on and my friends as they are won't be able to reach me before I break down completely. No one understands.
I know it's ridic late, but on my way home I was thinking sooooooo much that I absolutely had to stop at the computer lab and write down everything I was thinking... hopefully this will be enough for me to get home and lay my head on, so that I can call Damian and employ his wisdom and guidance and just maybe then my healing process from the events, beginning with Wednesday June 29, 2005 and up until this morning, can begin definitively. Earlier this evening I would have told you that there was no hope for me, but I'm in a different place now. This is a new day for me, a new me.
Now I'm sitting here in the student center alone at a ridiculous time of morning wondering how I will ever find the strength to not attempt to contact him again or to not answer in the off chance that he calls me, though clearly he said he'd be deleting my number in the morning, which hurt... but I urged him to delete it then and there... I nearly begged him to. I told him that I had to stop seeing him for my own good. I was getting swept in, caught up and he and I are after different things. He has little or no understanding or appreciation for spiritual matters. He and I had nothing to talk about. He was looking for sex and a nice warm body to be around, while I was looking for intimacy, companionship and security. I don't know how I can be expected to reach out to an intangible Jesus, but I know that reaching out to someone who's not on Jesus's team is painful and ends even more so. Shoot, reaching out to someone who IS on Jesus's team and losing them is also painful. People hurt, so I'm not interested in dealing with people anymore, which is weird because that's all I want to do with my life occupationally. I don't value my life much anymore. I say that because of how I've started driving... I only attempt to hold it together because I know that my family would miss me, especially my sisters, and I would miss them and my dying early is just NOT the answer here, so I've tried to tone it down but I'm always so upset. I hate my life, or lack thereof. What is life without intimacy?
But like mommy tells me, "This, too, shall pass." I will be ok. Earlier this night before I went over to dude's place I set an alarm on my phone calendar to finally call Damian. Interestingly I was listening to a sermon earlier tonight, and even though the pastor dude may not have been saying this, I felt like he was urging (me) to go sit at someone's feet, a spiritual leader's feet. I have never actively given myself over to someone to learn from them like that. Certainly there was SB, but there was a fight there. I wasn't like, "Teach me EVERYTHING you know." I obviously need something like that though. My parents have become insufficient in that way because the relationship we share will never be completely spiritually objective in the way that I need it to be, but I do love them and I appreciate the wisdom they do impart on me.
Right now I'm in the whimpy Christian phase, but I feel like REALLY soon I'm going to get pissed off about all of this and yell "Gimme my stuff back" to the devil. I feel like I'm starting to see this situation for what it is... If nothing else it has been humbling. Also it was a painful reminder that the only way to go is with Jesus and with people who are on his team (at least regarding significant others, but I do realize that I need some close friends that are in the spiritual fast lane... not completely pulled over, sliding backward or that just never even made it out of the garage). Spiritually, I definitely have the "check engine" light on and my friends as they are won't be able to reach me before I break down completely. No one understands.
I know it's ridic late, but on my way home I was thinking sooooooo much that I absolutely had to stop at the computer lab and write down everything I was thinking... hopefully this will be enough for me to get home and lay my head on, so that I can call Damian and employ his wisdom and guidance and just maybe then my healing process from the events, beginning with Wednesday June 29, 2005 and up until this morning, can begin definitively. Earlier this evening I would have told you that there was no hope for me, but I'm in a different place now. This is a new day for me, a new me.
Monday, August 7, 2006
Crippled
I am highly upset about my phone not working in my apt area over the past two days... now I'm really on an island. I don't trust now. I don't trust anyone to listen to how I feel and respond appropriately. Also, I'm no longer interested in opening up to someone just so I can be hurt all over again. I'm still licking my wounds. All I do is pout now. I didn't even attempt the charade yesterday at church. God knows what's up. At the same time I don't want to open up and drag someone else into how crappy I feel. I mean I know that's like saying that people are weak, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I mean that if someone is feeling great why should they have to worry about how I feel? Maybe that's why I don't speak up. It's not that it ever bothers me when people bring their problems to me, so why am I tripping? Also, I don't like the staff at my apt complex. I would like to move, although I'm sure most other people are equally as fake. It is nice to know, however, that this is not my imagination.
Sunday, August 6, 2006
I'll tell you how I feel when I figure it out
So I've been in a little bit of an emotional slump for quite a while now. I realize that I can't put a finger on it, so now when people ask me what's wrong I don't know what to tell them really. Plus, I actually hate whining. I can't stand the fact that I'm sitting here thinking that my life is wrong when there are so many other people who are having so much harder times than me, like what the heck? So maybe that's why I can't speak up. Maybe it's that I'm just too prideful to admit that my life sucks, and I don't know what specifically is wrong with me.
There are so many people available to me whose garments I could tug to get their attention so that I can spill my life guts, but I'm just frozen in place. Perhaps I'm waiting for some miracle to pull me out of this slump that I'm in and get me onto a newer, brighter track filled with intimacy. That's what it is! Intimacy, I haven't tapped into any of that in a long time. I don't know how to open up to anyone anymore. It used to be that I had writer's block, but I could share what I was thinking/feeling. Now I can write my life away but if I have to audibly relate issues I can't. I'm ashamed of myself, who I've become. Who am I?! Who is this chick who is just clawing at a chance for companionship, a chance to not be alone for at least a while. I buy things to make myself feel better. I take showers to pass the time...alone. It's quite pathetic I must say, but the lonliness is quite sickening. I'm sorry but reading a cold, physically lifeless book like the Bible doesn't seem like a promising avenue to not feeling lonely. My faith is seriously waning in that respect, but from time to time I do reach out to you, Jesus, in prayer and by reading the Living Word that You are. Ok, I have to admit that I feel better when I do that actually, but show me show me show me Lord who it is that I should open up to. I know that I can't be intimate like that with more than 2 or 3 people at one time, so who should it be? I'm losing sight of You, definitely losing sight of myself and who I once thought I was, and I can't even see myself now... certainly not as you see me.
I confess, Lord, that I've begun to habitually choose anything and everything, music, club, interpersonal interactions, food, television, over You. In order to step out of this I need You to pull me through. Lead me to that person, those people, who are going to be loving, but put it to me straight in a 'no nonsense' kind of way. My close friends can't keep it spiritually real with me, because they know little of spiritual things. I can't be a beacon around them because my light is buried in a cave. The cave of my selfishness, my lonliness and my shame/pride, my unwillingness to change, but the knowing that I need to... and ASAP. I'm scrugglin spiritually for real. Inwardly I'm just falling apart. I just don't feel right, and I know I'm out of place. Most of what I do conflicts with what I know to be true. I've been feeling like this for a long time, it's not really one thing, more like a mixture of things. Like I've just been letting up on everything, and I'm really mad at the road I've begun to travel sexually. If I don't stop, like NOW, I'ma end up sleepin with someone, and that hasn't happened since freshman year of college because by the grace of God I've been sticking to my guns... but now I feel like I'm on train that is going to crash and carry me along with it and I can't even scream loud enough to stop it. I'm losing my value...
I have to let go of this world, if I am going to latch onto You in a meaningful way. I have to not only 'appear' different, but I must actually BE different. There is a war going on within me and no one is winning. I'm certainly losing. I think I've actually all but given up, my recent experiences show that. I bought this bag today that I've been looking at for a while. It's by NOTW (not of this world): An identity set apart, Purpose: To Save and Empower lives, Message: Not of this world. Jesus. Col 2:8
If only one day I could live up to that.
There are so many people available to me whose garments I could tug to get their attention so that I can spill my life guts, but I'm just frozen in place. Perhaps I'm waiting for some miracle to pull me out of this slump that I'm in and get me onto a newer, brighter track filled with intimacy. That's what it is! Intimacy, I haven't tapped into any of that in a long time. I don't know how to open up to anyone anymore. It used to be that I had writer's block, but I could share what I was thinking/feeling. Now I can write my life away but if I have to audibly relate issues I can't. I'm ashamed of myself, who I've become. Who am I?! Who is this chick who is just clawing at a chance for companionship, a chance to not be alone for at least a while. I buy things to make myself feel better. I take showers to pass the time...alone. It's quite pathetic I must say, but the lonliness is quite sickening. I'm sorry but reading a cold, physically lifeless book like the Bible doesn't seem like a promising avenue to not feeling lonely. My faith is seriously waning in that respect, but from time to time I do reach out to you, Jesus, in prayer and by reading the Living Word that You are. Ok, I have to admit that I feel better when I do that actually, but show me show me show me Lord who it is that I should open up to. I know that I can't be intimate like that with more than 2 or 3 people at one time, so who should it be? I'm losing sight of You, definitely losing sight of myself and who I once thought I was, and I can't even see myself now... certainly not as you see me.
I confess, Lord, that I've begun to habitually choose anything and everything, music, club, interpersonal interactions, food, television, over You. In order to step out of this I need You to pull me through. Lead me to that person, those people, who are going to be loving, but put it to me straight in a 'no nonsense' kind of way. My close friends can't keep it spiritually real with me, because they know little of spiritual things. I can't be a beacon around them because my light is buried in a cave. The cave of my selfishness, my lonliness and my shame/pride, my unwillingness to change, but the knowing that I need to... and ASAP. I'm scrugglin spiritually for real. Inwardly I'm just falling apart. I just don't feel right, and I know I'm out of place. Most of what I do conflicts with what I know to be true. I've been feeling like this for a long time, it's not really one thing, more like a mixture of things. Like I've just been letting up on everything, and I'm really mad at the road I've begun to travel sexually. If I don't stop, like NOW, I'ma end up sleepin with someone, and that hasn't happened since freshman year of college because by the grace of God I've been sticking to my guns... but now I feel like I'm on train that is going to crash and carry me along with it and I can't even scream loud enough to stop it. I'm losing my value...
I have to let go of this world, if I am going to latch onto You in a meaningful way. I have to not only 'appear' different, but I must actually BE different. There is a war going on within me and no one is winning. I'm certainly losing. I think I've actually all but given up, my recent experiences show that. I bought this bag today that I've been looking at for a while. It's by NOTW (not of this world): An identity set apart, Purpose: To Save and Empower lives, Message: Not of this world. Jesus. Col 2:8
If only one day I could live up to that.
Saturday, August 5, 2006
Scotty's callin me...
So... I made it to Vision before it closed. It would have been fun had my girls been there. It was nice that I got in for free though.
Things have been a little crucial relationally for me lately, and I know I've lost perspective on what I desire in a mate. As a matter of fact I had to pull out my "Desired Husband Qualities" list this afternoon. I started it on 8.28.05. It has 22 items/criteria on it, and they are mostly related to things of a spiritual nature. I did not reduce the list to the trivial, plus I figure if God is sending someone to me I know he knows what I need in addition to what I've listed and he understands what I find to be aesthetically appealing. 1 or 2 of the criteria could be waived in an extreme situation tho, so they probably are a bit superficial. Overall I think I did well. Now for where I went wrong:
In dealing with guys for the past year I forgot to pull out my list as a reference and see if they were measuring up, which probably sounds quite anal and scripted, but I would have gotten in a lot less trouble had I done that. Maybe I'd even be less jaded with the whole thing. I wasn't going to share the entire list with you, but I figured I'd share the most important just so you can get an idea of where my head is.
desired husband qualities (excerpted and in no particular order)
(1)Acceptance of Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior
(2)Loves God with all of his heart
(3)Desires to follow the Lord
(4)Close personal relationship with Jesus
(5)Understanding of a Godly household
(6)Knows what it means to be man of God
(7)Prayerful
(8)Guided by the Holy Spirit
That's where my heart is with finding a mate...or being found by him. Unfortunately that part of the list has not meshed well with anyone I've talked to recently. That's why it's like hitting my head up against a wall repeatedly, so stupid, so unecessary, so out of the way.
I'm weary.
Posted on 8.5.2006 at 4:19 PM
Things have been a little crucial relationally for me lately, and I know I've lost perspective on what I desire in a mate. As a matter of fact I had to pull out my "Desired Husband Qualities" list this afternoon. I started it on 8.28.05. It has 22 items/criteria on it, and they are mostly related to things of a spiritual nature. I did not reduce the list to the trivial, plus I figure if God is sending someone to me I know he knows what I need in addition to what I've listed and he understands what I find to be aesthetically appealing. 1 or 2 of the criteria could be waived in an extreme situation tho, so they probably are a bit superficial. Overall I think I did well. Now for where I went wrong:
In dealing with guys for the past year I forgot to pull out my list as a reference and see if they were measuring up, which probably sounds quite anal and scripted, but I would have gotten in a lot less trouble had I done that. Maybe I'd even be less jaded with the whole thing. I wasn't going to share the entire list with you, but I figured I'd share the most important just so you can get an idea of where my head is.
desired husband qualities (excerpted and in no particular order)
(1)Acceptance of Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior
(2)Loves God with all of his heart
(3)Desires to follow the Lord
(4)Close personal relationship with Jesus
(5)Understanding of a Godly household
(6)Knows what it means to be man of God
(7)Prayerful
(8)Guided by the Holy Spirit
That's where my heart is with finding a mate...or being found by him. Unfortunately that part of the list has not meshed well with anyone I've talked to recently. That's why it's like hitting my head up against a wall repeatedly, so stupid, so unecessary, so out of the way.
I'm weary.
Posted on 8.5.2006 at 4:19 PM
Friday, August 4, 2006
Damaged, not anymore
If being single and not being over your ex is like being damaged goods... consider me like new because I've been fixed. That's not to say I feel any hatred or dislike, but sometimes you just know what it is and what it isn't.
Posted on 8.4.2006 at 4:39 PM
Posted on 8.4.2006 at 4:39 PM
Damaged, not anymore
If being single and not being over your ex is like being damaged goods... consider me like new because I've been fixed. That's not to say I feel any hatred or dislike, but sometimes you just know what it is and what it isn't. Plus I'm sick and tired of being injured. Relationally I've been hopping around on my weak, broken 'I-still-love-him' foot for a year and some change now. That's certainly been hindering forward movement for me, and I've been wondering if it's even been worth it. Opportunity has passed me by because of my self-imposed ailment, and I don't like that. So, now that I've said what I had to say to you regarding everything I'm closing that chapter. Maybe some day 'friends' will be a realistic possibility.
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