So I've been in a little bit of an emotional slump for quite a while now. I realize that I can't put a finger on it, so now when people ask me what's wrong I don't know what to tell them really. Plus, I actually hate whining. I can't stand the fact that I'm sitting here thinking that my life is wrong when there are so many other people who are having so much harder times than me, like what the heck? So maybe that's why I can't speak up. Maybe it's that I'm just too prideful to admit that my life sucks, and I don't know what specifically is wrong with me.
There are so many people available to me whose garments I could tug to get their attention so that I can spill my life guts, but I'm just frozen in place. Perhaps I'm waiting for some miracle to pull me out of this slump that I'm in and get me onto a newer, brighter track filled with intimacy. That's what it is! Intimacy, I haven't tapped into any of that in a long time. I don't know how to open up to anyone anymore. It used to be that I had writer's block, but I could share what I was thinking/feeling. Now I can write my life away but if I have to audibly relate issues I can't. I'm ashamed of myself, who I've become. Who am I?! Who is this chick who is just clawing at a chance for companionship, a chance to not be alone for at least a while. I buy things to make myself feel better. I take showers to pass the time...alone. It's quite pathetic I must say, but the lonliness is quite sickening. I'm sorry but reading a cold, physically lifeless book like the Bible doesn't seem like a promising avenue to not feeling lonely. My faith is seriously waning in that respect, but from time to time I do reach out to you, Jesus, in prayer and by reading the Living Word that You are. Ok, I have to admit that I feel better when I do that actually, but show me show me show me Lord who it is that I should open up to. I know that I can't be intimate like that with more than 2 or 3 people at one time, so who should it be? I'm losing sight of You, definitely losing sight of myself and who I once thought I was, and I can't even see myself now... certainly not as you see me.
I confess, Lord, that I've begun to habitually choose anything and everything, music, club, interpersonal interactions, food, television, over You. In order to step out of this I need You to pull me through. Lead me to that person, those people, who are going to be loving, but put it to me straight in a 'no nonsense' kind of way. My close friends can't keep it spiritually real with me, because they know little of spiritual things. I can't be a beacon around them because my light is buried in a cave. The cave of my selfishness, my lonliness and my shame/pride, my unwillingness to change, but the knowing that I need to... and ASAP. I'm scrugglin spiritually for real. Inwardly I'm just falling apart. I just don't feel right, and I know I'm out of place. Most of what I do conflicts with what I know to be true. I've been feeling like this for a long time, it's not really one thing, more like a mixture of things. Like I've just been letting up on everything, and I'm really mad at the road I've begun to travel sexually. If I don't stop, like NOW, I'ma end up sleepin with someone, and that hasn't happened since freshman year of college because by the grace of God I've been sticking to my guns... but now I feel like I'm on train that is going to crash and carry me along with it and I can't even scream loud enough to stop it. I'm losing my value...
I have to let go of this world, if I am going to latch onto You in a meaningful way. I have to not only 'appear' different, but I must actually BE different. There is a war going on within me and no one is winning. I'm certainly losing. I think I've actually all but given up, my recent experiences show that. I bought this bag today that I've been looking at for a while. It's by NOTW (not of this world): An identity set apart, Purpose: To Save and Empower lives, Message: Not of this world. Jesus. Col 2:8
If only one day I could live up to that.
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