My mom used to always say that to me when I would cry over some heartache or just plain be upset about a particular circumstance, and now it's her voice I hear in the back of my head. I had to make a HUGE decision tonight for once and for all... more like an hour ago. I had to let go, and letting go of people is quite hard for me to do. This was necessary, something I had to do for me and for my relationship with God. Dude was interfering with both. I've been celibate for well over 3 years, but I almost had sex with him. It's amazing what power the need for affection can have over a person (me) or just the types of behaviors I had allowed myself to submit to and accept in his presence. On one hand I felt secure and all warm and fuzzy, but on the other hand when he and I would talk I usually felt like I was crawling, groveling at his feet on my bare hands and knees vulnerable to any shift in temper or whatever else he might have. I mean, what the hell really? How could I subject myself to such foolery, such meaninglessness, such devalument. There I was attached to this guy for a while, since early March. I can't make total sense of it just yet, but from the BEGINNING I was deleting him from my phone like, This is a bad situation, but he kept calling and I kept answering and before I knew it I was too deep into the situation to try and pry myself loose. I'd pray, Lord help me, but I'd always be weak and find myself crawling back into his arms knowing that I was an object to him, but allowing me to fool myself into thinking that I was maybe just a little bit more because he seemed to be just as attached as I was. With every interaction whatever light I still held onto within dulled more and more until I found myself at that extremely low, out of touch part the other night where I almost yeilded the whole of my body to him. I know it's such a great blessing that God dug me out of that whole, even as I visited the guy tonight God put an anointing on me to give me the strength to do what I had to do, especially as I prayed 911. Of course homeboy's mixture of blatant lack of care and inability to understand helped the process, but still I cried. He had been the only anything, anyone I had held onto in/for months and to realize that he didn't give a crap was really a hit to the chest. How could I have walked toward this mirage for so long? I know what sincerity and Love look like, for the most part. I knew that this was not that, but my desires apparently overruled my ability to perceive reality and I found myself in the same situation I had once chided my homegirls for.
Now I'm sitting here in the student center alone at a ridiculous time of morning wondering how I will ever find the strength to not attempt to contact him again or to not answer in the off chance that he calls me, though clearly he said he'd be deleting my number in the morning, which hurt... but I urged him to delete it then and there... I nearly begged him to. I told him that I had to stop seeing him for my own good. I was getting swept in, caught up and he and I are after different things. He has little or no understanding or appreciation for spiritual matters. He and I had nothing to talk about. He was looking for sex and a nice warm body to be around, while I was looking for intimacy, companionship and security. I don't know how I can be expected to reach out to an intangible Jesus, but I know that reaching out to someone who's not on Jesus's team is painful and ends even more so. Shoot, reaching out to someone who IS on Jesus's team and losing them is also painful. People hurt, so I'm not interested in dealing with people anymore, which is weird because that's all I want to do with my life occupationally. I don't value my life much anymore. I say that because of how I've started driving... I only attempt to hold it together because I know that my family would miss me, especially my sisters, and I would miss them and my dying early is just NOT the answer here, so I've tried to tone it down but I'm always so upset. I hate my life, or lack thereof. What is life without intimacy?
But like mommy tells me, "This, too, shall pass." I will be ok. Earlier this night before I went over to dude's place I set an alarm on my phone calendar to finally call Damian. Interestingly I was listening to a sermon earlier tonight, and even though the pastor dude may not have been saying this, I felt like he was urging (me) to go sit at someone's feet, a spiritual leader's feet. I have never actively given myself over to someone to learn from them like that. Certainly there was SB, but there was a fight there. I wasn't like, "Teach me EVERYTHING you know." I obviously need something like that though. My parents have become insufficient in that way because the relationship we share will never be completely spiritually objective in the way that I need it to be, but I do love them and I appreciate the wisdom they do impart on me.
Right now I'm in the whimpy Christian phase, but I feel like REALLY soon I'm going to get pissed off about all of this and yell "Gimme my stuff back" to the devil. I feel like I'm starting to see this situation for what it is... If nothing else it has been humbling. Also it was a painful reminder that the only way to go is with Jesus and with people who are on his team (at least regarding significant others, but I do realize that I need some close friends that are in the spiritual fast lane... not completely pulled over, sliding backward or that just never even made it out of the garage). Spiritually, I definitely have the "check engine" light on and my friends as they are won't be able to reach me before I break down completely. No one understands.
I know it's ridic late, but on my way home I was thinking sooooooo much that I absolutely had to stop at the computer lab and write down everything I was thinking... hopefully this will be enough for me to get home and lay my head on, so that I can call Damian and employ his wisdom and guidance and just maybe then my healing process from the events, beginning with Wednesday June 29, 2005 and up until this morning, can begin definitively. Earlier this evening I would have told you that there was no hope for me, but I'm in a different place now. This is a new day for me, a new me.
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