Ok, so excuse my French, but I'm feeling really shitty and I hate my life right now... yes, I do understand that it could be a LOT worse but knowing that only makes me grateful; It doesn't make me hurt any less. No one seems to understand that or the complexities of what all I'm struggling with internally. I guess expecting them to be able to in the first place would give people too much credit... I know that Student Affairs is something I want to do, but I'm having a hard time pulling myself together to scrape together my application and time is running out. Today when I called my mom she was talking about how I should write about my life as an essay for graduate school. She says that my life so far has been quite remarkable. I guess I try not to think about my life much at all or think highly of myself. I am, and that's all. I exist, nothing special about that or me. I have noticed that other people tend to feel differently about my existence but what good is there in my own celebration of me? O Jesus why can't you be in the flesh again, the thought of reaching out to a merely spritual, non-physical You earnestly strikes me as impossible and depressing. I guess I'm scared that if I go for it completely and seek you that I won't find anything... my hopes will be dashed... again. You know that You've never ever let me down, but I'm having a hard time feeling like that seeing as how I feel let down right now. I want to open up but I feel like I have no one to open up to. No one has time for all the stuff I deal with in my head and heart on a day to day basis. I'm starting to get tired of being asked how I am because I feel forced to lie, especially when I know people can see that something's up and are genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. Maybe I'm so stealthfully secure in my ability to listen to others that I feel there is no one else like me who can listen to me... but Sean listened. Ok well maybe there will never ever be anyone to match or top Sean's ability to hear me...besides God who I'm afraid will turn out to not actually be there and I know that this all sounds crazy and my spirituality should be about beliefs, not feelings and emotions but that's like asking me to cut off limbs... and I don't know where to start. I just have to get out of here, out of my body out of ATL. I need to get the hell away from all of these familiar people and familiar places that I harbor all of the old feelings towards and who will always relate the same to me. I just want all of this to end. I want to be happy for a while. Why is calling out to what seems like thin air so freaking hard. Devil I know you don't want me to succeed, this is probably all you... I know I can push through this with God, or do I know. There is no room for doubt here. Do you know what it's like to be alone all of the freaking time? Every where I realllllly want to go, I take myself, by myself. It's not that I don't ask people.... they're just not available. No one is ever freaking available. I'm melting down and there is freaking nobody anywhere. I have to stay strong for everyone else, but I'm so dead. I can't feel my anything... just pain. I don't even know if I really feel pain. I'm so messed up. I can't see my future. I can barely see two steps in front of me and none of this stuggle even seems worth it. I just want to die... sometimes.