Wow, I didn't even notice the coming and going of the 18th in any particular significance. Maybe things really have gotten better. I was proud of myself for not noticing. I have no need for a moment or day of silence to reflect on what was... or maybe that's what this is. Some break ups really do have a deep and lasting impact, and I have been trying to figure out why. Why is it that, after you're not used to seeing the person, you forgot what they smell like or how they sound when they sneeze and you realize that your existence no longer has anything to do with theirs, it can even be a lingering thought? Then I took a step back. There's still hurt, a deep hurt. Why? Well I think a big part of it is the harsh truth that something you thought you knew was going to work out didn't at all and you lost a friend, which is especially crazy when you're still in a situation where you can't act like they don't exist... or worse, you may have to interact like everything is all cute, cool and good like nothing ever happened, like there isn't still some carry-over hurt there.
So I guess you could say I see my leaving ATL as a deliverance on a few levels. I get a fresh start. I don't do too well with routine but at the same time I'm a habit former and find myself in ruts (more like unhealthy patterns) so I need a change of scenery for a while. Plus, I just realized something this weekend. I do love my homegirls but this weekend I saw how cool it can be to interact with people who have no prior knowledge of me (other than what my dad might have said about me in class, he's a professor). I get to be EXACTLY who I am right now, not the conglomerate of who I used to be and who I'm expected to be. On Saturday I was out with 3 people I've never hung out with before and for once I just felt relaxed like I could be me. I mean it coulda been the people too (I did meet this really cool guy) . I didn't feel like I had to impress them or had to act a certain way (because to act different would interfere with how I usually or used to act and would merit explanation). As a result of this, I was quite bubbly and carefree cracking jokes and having a lot of fun. Now I'm not saying I don't have fun with my folk, but this was a good, different fun.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28
I'm really trying to cling to that verse right now. I'd be lying if I said I liked life in its totality right now. I'm not so pessimistic as to say that I'll never reach a point where I do. Sure there will always be pleasant and unpleasant things but I'm aiming for contentment.
Posted on 10.20.2006 at 4:33 PM
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