I'm realizing that itt's easier to exclude yourself from something real than to be a part of it, and easier to shut people out than to let them see the real you. For the longest time I've been talking about my desire for intimacy only to realize that I'm scared of it. If I let people get truly close to me and I get close to them, then they'll eventually see the ugliest of my flaws... yes I do admit to having many. I guess what's even scarier is being informed of the flaws and issues I didn't know that I had and facing the pain and challenge of working through them with Jesus and those close to me. More and more I'm seeing that a life without intimacy is a form of ignorance and this ignorance is not blissful in the least. It's just ignorant, lonely and frustrating. Am I more content to walk in the dark of who I am than to begin the process of coming to grips with my own dark heart to move toward personal spiritual change? Why is it so much easier to sit in despair's mire than to reach out to Him and claim, embrace my identity. I'll admit that work is not one of my strong points so that's probably a factor but that can't be it. I'm sure that God won't reject me with the covering of His precious Son, my savior, but does it scare me to really begin the process and realize that, He (Jesus) really IS there waiting patiently to dialogue with me and gut this house that I call my heart. My heart is like a house affected by hurricane Katrina, flooded to the roof with human sins and impurities, hurts, disappointment, abandonment, isolation, fear, rejection, dark motives... a house that has been ignored and essentially left to its own devices, to stew in its own shortcomings and destruction, everything untouched. It's so devestatingly hopeless that I don't even want to return, but that's what it will take...
"...but Katrina was an act of God though... and God don't make mistakes." ~A.Linton
Posted on 10.29.2006 at 11:01 PM
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