If I... This is why

My trust is hard to come by these days and easy as hell to lose. Life right now concerning people is like, don't get your hopes up. Expect things to not work out (esp. with males). Expect to be hurt and maybe it won't hurt so much when you are, and by all means don't tell anybody how you feel because they won't understand... or maybe they'll take for granted that you confided in them. So this is what pessimism is like. I don't know how people make it without Jesus... because if I had to rely on people or one person to have my back all the time or for me to remain sane, I'd be up a creek. That's not to say that I don't have a person or two that has my back, but it's rare to find someone who has it 24/7. There has to be that ONE relationship in life that doesn't involve pain inflicted from the other person... and that doesn't happen with people. It’s not meant to. We're imperfect, so naturally we're going to hurt and be hurt, intentionally and unintentionally. It seems like every time I look up my circle of confidence gets smaller and smaller, not that it was ever big in the first place. If it's not smaller the dynamics are definitely changing. I'll be there for you as best I can, and I'll continue know a lot about you and your life, because listening and empathizing is what I do... but from now on I chose to keep me to myself.. If I start to seem distant from you, that’s because I am… maybe I’m trying to put some arm length there. Perhaps how we relate is eclipsing who I’m supposed to be becoming. It hurts now to open up and attempt to trust flesh and blood. My heart’s tired, and it’s been kicked and shoved and pierced and shattered and never healed so it bruises easily. It belongs to Jesus. He can work His mastership on it and show me an intimacy that’s safe because I can’t, I REFUSE to continue on like this with all of this tip-of-the-iceberg-ness. I want to be fully known and understood, and only Jesus can do that. I see that now, so if continuing to have you in my life keeps me from Him I’m sorry but I’m choosing Him. I CAN’T do this anymore.
Posted on 10.25.2006 at 1:47 AM