Am I the only one who feels like this or are there other people who sometimes feel like they are falling behind in life? Every time I log on to facebook or myspace I notice a new engagment, marriage and/or pregnancy. And while I promise I'm happy for my friends and distant acquaintances (a.k.a facebook friends), sometimes I can't help but feel a slight twinge that I've missed some kind of life memo as to what I should be doing right now.
Yes, yes I know that what God has for me is for me and that what I must continue to do is put one foot in front of the other, trusting and relying on him to guide me through my life. While that is easier said than done, I do believe as much. Yes, my biological clock may have just begun to tick within my psyche, I must be honest with myself... if it really came down to it right now would I choose marriage over being single and joined with my family? Hmm... from this angle, being realistic I'd have to say "No." For that reason I know that it would take a hell of a person to get me to make that jump... which results in my increasing pickiness.
i know that God has placed someone out there for me, so when things don't line up in my relationships I no longer try to make square pegs fit round situations, I let it go.... but I'm reluctant to do so. Yes, it's been difficult for me and has required prayer. It's not always so simple to let go of someone that's not right for you but that you could still like... and then there's the issue of feeling comfortable around someone and having a person like that in your life that you know you can go to on a romantic companion kind of level and share day-to-day life situations and stories with. I mean who in their right mind would want to let that go looking from the surface of things.
If I let you go, then I go back to an empty apartment, my phone rings a lot less and I'm back to attending shows and things alone. Independence is nice, but I swear it gets old at times. So that's why I've had a tendency to hold on and really have to pray for a change of heart/mind/whatever it is to release my grip. I bet guys from the past have probably wondered how I lost interest so quickly and dropped them, well, it was prayer answered. God has a way of (after I ask Him to) aiding me in the release by showing me a lot of stuff that I don't like about a person... or opening my eyes to the pre-existing, yet previously ignored no-go's that would have been insurmountable with clear thinking and godly motives.
What to do with the trail of confused guys? Well, I've always hated hated HATED when guys *bleep*ing disappear and suddenly change without telling you what's up or what happened, like what changed. I mean that's flaky, be a man and say what's up. Don't be messy and non-confrontational when what you have to say might need to be said. People should know where they stand with you and how they got there. So...
...personal revelation: I've actually DONE that to some guys over the year. The ones that didn't have the chance to disappear have been disappeared on or avoided. Now, that's not grown woman behavior. I know what I want and what I don't want, so why not be honest and share that with the person respectfully? Maybe by some off chance what I need to tell that person is something they need to hear in order to take a new direction in life or just something to put their heart at ease so they won't be going through all of the possible permutations of what could have happened or what I might have thought. I mean, as a Christian I'm responsible for speaking the truth in love. So why do I shy away from being honest with those guys that were really nice to me, but just weren't, you know, "Mr. Him."? It wasn't their fault that they weren't right for me yet those are the hardest ones to confront about why things are just "off" and shouldn't continue... particularly when they are likely to challenge and disagree with you about it.
Even so, I've decided to be more honest in my dating and let folks know straight up what's up. if I think it should stop in its tracks then I'll initiate a "Nice knowing you, but have a great life and this is why" conversation. That's the least I can do, especially for those who have treated me so well. For every loser I've met I have been taken care of by dozens (an obvious exaggeration) of great guys... only, they're great for someone else.
This new approach of mine will be a challenge for me, but I bet, if nothing else, it will force me to contemplate issues that come up sooner and stop things quicker... instead of knowing that it's going nowhere, yet letting it continue. That's just shady and inconsiderate. If you're reading this and that's you that I did that to, I apologize. I shoulda womaned up and put my cards on the table, but I didn't.
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