In my Science, Technology and Modernism course in undergrad I wrote a paper about the 1920's, how it was a time of change and self discovery for many. It was also a time of mayhem, confusion, and foolishness (Artrease would probably appreciate that I added the latter word to the mix).
So yesterday, I was considering my life since I've been in my 20's and I realized that it's been my own personal decade of mayhem and foolishness so far... let's not forget the confusion. For the past few years I've been on nothing short of a downward spiral in pretty much all aspects of my life, minus my education (I graduated from GT and I'm about to graduate from FSU sooner than later).
My life is full of too many little pieces that don't fit together, too many pieces of me mixed in with pieces of the people around that I trust, plus those that hurt me along the way. It's a horrible way to exist and I've chosen it, chosen to be fragmented. I've been a willing participant in each and every dance that leads me further away from the direction I would like to sway in.
And then last night, was the last straw for me. I barked up a tree that I shouldn't have and what was going to happen inevitably did. i saw the thing that I wanted to ignore initially or that I had hoped was different. Imagine being told by someone you love (or at least think you do) in so many words that dealing with you and your feelings is a waste of time... especially your feelings. Imagine if that person didn't seem to (for even one moment) consider your feelings at all. I mean, I feel things and let people know, so shoot me for being human and tangible. I don't like to push people away. When I'm pushed away or jumped on or treated with inconsistent positive regard (whether or not you're like that to me or just like that to everyone) it hurts me, and after a point I just shut down.
People who are (or seem to be) incapable of empathizing are in direct opposition to what is at the very core of my personality, the core of how God has wired me to be. I am nothing if I can't place myself in someone else's shoes or consider their viewpoint for a moment... or at least attempt to... or maybe just offer up the patience it takes to hear them out and postpone judgment and hasty choices.
I'm sorry that my concerns turned out to be such a burden for him. I wish that I didn't want to see him. I could have dodged all of this mess. He has NO idea what the past few weeks have even been like for me. It doesn't appear that he cares. I can be ok with that, but he shouldn't get all upset with me and call me flaky when he turns around the following day and dismisses me like I wasn't even trying. I mean, excuse the hell out of me for wanting to do something right and not put myself in a position where I felt like I would be disrespectful and giving off an appearance that I want to avoid.
I did not sleep last night because I did not want to go to bed angry. It sincerely pisses me off that someone can show such little disregard for another's feelings and priorities. He is the only person to-date in my life whom I've given such leverage in dealing with my heart (dumb, I know) and I don't know why I do, because I can't cope. He shoves me away, pulls me back in, pushes me away again, pulls me back in again... each time I melt and fall back into that dysfunctional pattern. I can't be that person.
I value myself more than that. God values me more than that. God would NEVER speak to me in the way that he does. I deserve to deal with people who also value me enough to try and figure out how to address me and not just talk to me any kind of way and just spout off words at me. If he would breathe for a moment and listen between phrases it might actually be considered communication because I would have an opportunity to speak and give input rather than feel like I'm being interrogated. He shouldn't wait until after his entire tirade to ask for feedback. Why bother? What could there possibly be left to say when he's already made up his mind?
So now I'm just left with the pieces of this most recent, self-imposed fiasco of mine when I wasn't wise enough to let sleeping dogs lie and leave the door closed on this. I don't think I can fully voice my disappointment about this, not sure where I would start or end.
He should just know that he's managed to shut me down for a while. If he's even actually reading this, which I didn't exactly anticipate... He's probably thinking that I should have said all of this to him directly, and he's right, I should have... Problem is I don't want to talk to him at ALL this moment.
Also know that none of what I just wrote has been hastily stated, I had all night to calm down and think before saying my piece and I did. This is what was on my heart.
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