hurts

I'm at this place right now where it kinda hurts me to write. My words are so heavy and laborious. Blogging and journaling, once like breathing, are now chores. That explains why I don't do it anymore. I think so many disturbing things from day to day, why would I go the extra mile and scribe them?


I wrote him a letter. I wrote him a letter expressing my curiosity about us. I wrote him a letter expressing my curiosity about us and whether or not he ever thought if it could happen again... or just happen. I guess you could say that his reply was hopeful. I can't say what my goal was in writing the message, to express how I felt maybe. I was hoping to open the door to investigation. He said a lot of things in his reply that pointed to the pragmatism of things: We were younger then.Yes. Maturity has come with time for both of us. I'm the first to admit that I'm a different person, still at the core I've remained Crystal. My personality is the same, just with improvements I hope. Then there's the whole distance thing, which I considered before opening my mouth. I have no intentions of staying or even job searching here in Florida. God has His way of making it known that our plans for ourselves are mere crap next to his so I can't say anything for sure, but I know that I don't want to be here. I'm looking at the mid-atlantic and southeast after I leave here.... but are the employers/institutions looking for me? Who knows?

Every now and then my heart flutters... but I can say now that I'm far from hopeless romantic. I won't deny romanticism, but hopeless? Naw. I'm not the 15 year old girl with unrealistic hopes and dreams anymore. I won't hang onto your every word. I won't stop my life so that I can revolve around you. I won't force something to be there that isn't, won't rely on you for my happiness and completion. I know that I can only get that with God.

In hindsight of my impulsive step to put myself out there and say how I was feeling, at the moment, I'm feeling like maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. That's not to say that I regret it persay... I got some things off of my chest that I wanted to say. I just wish I did a better job of standing back and letting God work. Don't I think if God wanted to let there be something between us that he would've without my help? Should I even be engaging in these conversations right now? My friend says I should just let it go.

I have a lot of praying to do. God and I have a lot to talk about... I have a lot of listening to do.