Love is something I've always had for my mom and sisters and dad on some level or another. It's the bending over backwards for my family members or close friends when they are being knuckleheads or just plain unpleasant... just sticking with them.
So yeah, that's that...
Now for me, on the other hand, the whole romantic love thing has played out as kind of a love-hate thing. When I was a young girl, I played into the happily ever after fairytales, then the teenage romantic, coming-of-age stories from the 80's like Say anything... oh and I like classic films that have all the glitz and glamor with a healthy dose of boy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love.
Given that background I always thought that I'd be "in love" with someone if not engaged by this point/age in my life. So when I realized that it wasn't going to happen I stopped believing in fairytales and happily-ever-afters.... at least by declaration. I still shed a tear at romantic comedies and secretly wish that some man would sweep me off of my feet. It's just now that I've lost faith in the idea of that happening....at least any time soon.
When I came to that realization I was mad. "God, how could you do this to me??" Now, while I'm still not happy with it, I'm almost to a point where I am fully accepting of the task at hand.
See, the thing is I must learn how to love God and follow/trust Jesus first before I can experience pure, romantic, Godly love with another human. And Lord knows I drag my feet and kick and scream in little tantrums and do my best to undermine the inevitable: I may impress guys and be wanted, guys may impress me to where I want them... but it will never be mutual until I rise to the occasion that Jesus has called me to.
It may sound extreme, but that has held true for the last few years. I admittedly am highly selective and rarely impressed with the guys I meet. Even then, I usually lose interest quickly when I see something that I ignored initially because I want it to "work" (whatever that really means). Either that or I maintain interest and they don't pursue.
I'm the perpetually single friend while a few close friends and many associates have these great loves that have lasted for years (on again, off again as some may be) or there is a new significant other within a few short weeks or months of a break up. I've never had turn around like that... lol.
My lack of romance has caused me to take a practical stance on relationships to the point where I think some of my friends probably thinkg I'm an ogre, because they do things and put up with stuff that they probably shouldn't because they're "so in love." That's cute, it really is... but I can't fathom it anymore. So if you ask me what I think I will tell you.
I'm so far removed from what I thought being in love was that I can no longer empathize. That clashes with my being wired as a hopeless romantic it's just that marriage and "the rest of your life" are huge steps. So, if something fundamentally is practically "off", reason says you may want to try something else, unless God is clearly waving you onward.
I believe that He orders our steps and when He means for it to be, He puts the pieces neatly in place. There shouldn't be this angst about a relationship yet you continue anyway. Angst isn't a good look on anyone and shouldn't be linked to a relationship with someone you're holding on to in order to marry.
So yeah, I'm an ogre. The hopeless romantic in me has received a lethal injection of reality. The only thing that balances out my inability to empathize with "falling" for someone is seeing my mom's happily ever after: how she had me, got divorced and then married the man of her dreams six years later and this Tuesday they will have been married for 18 years and stilly happy. God's hand was clear in their union from the start, no angst. Love is not unsure.
Even though I often resent being alone and not having a 'boo' of my own, I thank God that I'm being spared the frustrations and hard decisions that can sometimes accompany a relationship... gotta find the silver lining somewhere I guess. :)
For real though, there's nothin wrong with being earmarked for God... at least for a while until He decides to share you with another of His own.
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