On the verge

I feel...so... awful right now. I mean, I don't know how to feel. I feel like I'm going to crumble under all of this pressure, like I'm going to let everyone down, including myself. Like I'll always be alone. Like, I'll never learn the lesson of letting go. I feel so heavy. Sometimes breathing is too much of a task. I don't like to think about anything other than now, but it's like my past and the people from it are like a ball and chain, slowing my steps and affecting my cognitions. How can I be fully here if I'm so concerned with there? And then the outlook of the future seems so bleak, because all I want to do is be 'successful' at work and belong to someone other than God and myself. I'm sure God is trying to tell me I only need belong to Him for significance, but as usual, I'm so not trying to hear that. He doesn't have to come home to himself, but I do. I guess he would argue that I clearly have him to come home to.